Aibu to just not reply to this friend

[Ffsjeez]

Group of friends from school and we've all got along. But one Friend has always been a bit flakey and a bit childish. Started going out with a guy about four years ago who was bad news, got her into lots of debt and generally just awful. Anyway she's the sort that can pick you up and ditch you when a new man comes along or new friends etc and since him she's got worse. Apparently her DP thinks we're all rubbish friends to her and she was telling me this last year.

In the last few years she's not bothered ever coming to things, says she has no money, never makes any effort to meet up but then is always on FB going on holiday to the US, buying new car etc.

The others have got fed up and drifted from her. I made quite a bit of effort to stay in touch until last year where for the nth time she cancelled on me an hour before meeting up and since then I haven't bothered much either - cue lots of messages suddenly asking why I've cut her out when she sees we've met up without her. I've explained I haven't and she needs to make an effort and that also Im not responsible for things others organise and she needs to be more proactive with the rest of them but not much has changed.

I haven't heard or seen her in a few months and today I get this message "why did you bother convincing me you weren't trying to cut me out of your life?"

It's really pissed me off. AIBU not to reply and just block and if IABU what should I say instead? I don't want this to escalate. Her DP is a pretty nasty character and last time they fell out with a friend they reported them for working cash in hand whilst claiming JSA.

[sonjadog]

I would just tell her what you wrote her. Be factual and clear. Don't get into a debate.

[Ffsjeez]

so you think it's not just worth ignoring? I feel that she will just reply and it will go on and on

[KeepServingTheDrinks]

How about something v short that puts the onus back on her? A reminder that friendship is a two-way street, and when she cancels with short notice (regularly) that sends you a message.

Or ignore.

Depends on how much - if at all - you'd welcome her back into your life?

[Shizzlestix]

Just ignore. She’s not worth your energy.

[Tansie1]

Yes, you have 2 choices- ignore, or repeat what you said before; then ignore.

Friendship is a two-way street.

[CrispsForTea]

People like this can't see that they're in the wrong. I once received a message like this in a similar situation, replied, and tbh it just started another argument, so I really wouldn't bother. It's clear from her message that she hasn't changed, otherwise it would be something like "sorry I was a bit of a rubbish friend a few years ago, but I'm in town next week would you like to meet up".

[Ellendegeneres]

I mean... what has she got on you? You mention her dp reporting someone working cash in hand as some kind of nudge to what a prick he is, but what’s he gonna do/ say if you just don’t reply? Or if you do?

Personally I’d reply ‘look, I told you before- if you don’t make an effort to meet up with people, they drift apart. I’m not convincing you of anything, you draw from that what you will. But where I’m concerned, the last x amount of times I’ve asked you to do something you’ve dropped out at last minute or not turned up (whatever the case is) so I’m done trying to be your friend when it’s a one way street. Hope I’ve left nothing for misinterpretation!’

[Ffsjeez]

yes I agree. The accusatory tone has really hacked me off. She was like this at school, childish and immature but we are now in our 30s ffs!

My DP thinks I should just ignore as she will never see it any other way and it will just cause an argument.

[Mousefunky]

Block her. I had a friend that was only ever interested in me when she was single, she ditched me whenever she found a boyfriend. She is no longer a friend.

[Ffsjeez]

I think he could just send me an intimidating message - he's a bit of a thug. Hopefully he can't do anything.

[sonjadog]

I think it would be okay to ignore if that's what you want to do. I think it depends on whether or not you feel on the background of your friendship that she deserves an explanation. If you don't think that, then just don't answer. As you say, she is unlikely to accept it without an argument.

[Ellendegeneres]

Oh Christ if he’s a thug and you’re intimidated by him/them as a couple, then I’d block and ignore- claim ignorance, you never received the message. Wash your hands of them. Twats

[Pixilicious]

I'd been inclined to reply 'I've made as much effort with you as you have with me'

[Ellendegeneres]

Sorry op, I didn’t mean it in a snarky way by asking what she or he had on you- but I guess I’ve never had issues with an ex friends dp in that way. Ugh. Fuck them, you’ve tried to be her friend, she’s made no effort and is being confrontational in the message

[MinorRSole]

I would just ignore that - the tone of it would piss me off and I couldn't be bothered communicating with someone so demanding. She will eventually learn the hard way that she's just bloody hard work and nobody has time for it now. Do not feel guilty, you've done nothing wrong

[TheDowagerCuntess]

I would likely just ignore.

Otherwise Pixilicious's message is good. With maybe, 'our friendship has run its course' added to the end to really close things down.

And then block.

[lynzpynz]

Id just say as a previous poster has said that you haven’t ‘cut her out’ but friendship is a two way street. Ask her when was the last time she proactively organised anything or contacted you for something or indeed turned up to something you organised?

She sounds a bit toxic tbh - you might be better to let her drift... If her partner is so intimidating also that you worry you can’t speak candidly to her then that’s not very healthy to be around either!

[TammySwansonTwo]

I would try again, once, to explain that you and others have been upset that she hasn’t really shown much interest in meeting up, has cancelled and that as a result you’ve drifted apart. Say that you really did try to keep up contact but felt it was one sided at the time. Maybe she really doesn’t get why and is hurt, but if she didn’t change after that then I’d be done

[Ffsjeez]

yeh I completely agree. I think the thing to do would be to ignore. I think I'm so cross with how she's spoken to me. Out of all our friends I'm the only who stuck around making an effort and I'm just amazed at the brazen cheek and entitlement. I feel like telling her off and what I really think of her but that would be the wrong thing. I'm tempted to send Pixilicious's message.

And no worries ellendegeneres I didn't take it like that. I realise it sounded like I had something to hide but it's more I feel that with people like that they'll look for anything to try and cause trouble for you.

[Tistheseason17]

Ignore and block- YANBU. Everyone has met someone like this...

[pasturesgreen]

Like my dear departed Gran was fond of saying, the telephone works both ways. You have explained already that she needs to make more of an effort. She hasn't listened. Not your problem. I'd ignore any further contact.

[eddielizzard]

i would ignore. no point saying anything as you've made it clear before. she's a victim in her eyes. nothing's her fault.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Intimidating message?

Well that one's easy.

'Oh hi X, to be honest I rather expected to receive something like this from you once F told you of our disagreement. Let me be very clear: you so much as think of sending me wannabe-intimidating texts like this again, and I'll be going straight to the police. Don't contact me again.'

[Thequeenisdeadboys]

I would just reply..
If I wanted to cut you out of my life I would.
Carry on like this and I will.
fuck off
Love,
Ffsjeez

[TERFragetteCity]

Just reply 'who is this?'