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AIBU to want to be allowed to keep in touch with ex?

(41 Posts)
47onions Mon 23-Apr-18 16:59:15

I have an ex, from about 6 years ago, we share many mutual friends so occasionally end up bumping into each other at social events. DP has met him several times and comes with me to the odd social event.

I enjoy keeping in touch with him and we update each other on the going ons of each others lives, there's nothing more than friendship there, hasn't been for years.

DP hates that I don't hate him. He treated me fairly, he was the only guy to have respect for me and a decent moral compass. Our break up was probably about as good as break ups get.

AIBU to want to be able to keep in touch without DP freaking out?
We were friends for years before I met DP. He's someone I can talk to easily but not often.

Merryoldgoat Mon 23-Apr-18 17:01:55

From the info you’ve given it’s perfectly reasonable to want to stay friends with him.

If your DP is trying to dictate who you can and can’t see i think that’s unacceptable.

qwertyuiopy Mon 23-Apr-18 17:02:21

”he was the only guy to have respect for me and a decent moral compass.”

Before your husband I presume shock

I presume your husband is jealous. Does he have any female friends?

TERFragetteCity Mon 23-Apr-18 17:03:14

I am friends with several of my exes.

Not sure we have even discussed my OH's opinion of this.

captainBligh Mon 23-Apr-18 17:05:12

While you aren't being unreasonable, I can't bring myself to say that your DH is being unreasonable.

I would leave ex boyfriends in the past (where they belong) and concentrate on my marriage.

47onions Mon 23-Apr-18 18:31:44

@qwertyuiopy

Meant to say he's the only guy to be that respectful out of all the ex's :p that would have made more sense!

Nope, DP doesn't really have any female friends, he only has 1 ex and didn't end on friendly terms so I can understand how he might not understand a nice break up 😂

DroningOn Mon 23-Apr-18 18:34:39

Is it possible to get DP and exH to meet/begin to like each other?

If your DP sees that exH is a good guy etc he's likely to be much less threatened by it all

47onions Mon 23-Apr-18 18:36:06

@DroningOn
They've met, spent time together at social events but DP doesn't like to, doesn't like him at all despite the fact they have so much in common

47onions Mon 23-Apr-18 18:36:48

Also I've never married wink

DroningOn Mon 23-Apr-18 18:37:32

Testosterone has so much to answer for....

47onions Mon 23-Apr-18 18:40:42

@DroningOn
Yes it does 😂
I just wish he could accept that a few times a year we'll end up bumping into each other and have a catch up. I shouldn't have to feel guilty for seeing an old friend!

troodiedoo Mon 23-Apr-18 18:42:23

Agree with @captainBligh

Why did you split up with him?

SpringNewStart Mon 23-Apr-18 18:44:33

I have a great relationship with my exH, very pally but only because we have a child together so we need to co-parent. I think it would be weird to have the relationship we do if it wasn’t for this, if I didn’t need to see him again, I wouldn’t.

GreasyFryUp Mon 23-Apr-18 18:45:19

Your DP is being unreasonable and needs to get to the bottom of his jealousy.

I've been holidays/days out with my ex and his family, my DP and all our kids. We are all grown up....

47onions Mon 23-Apr-18 18:46:23

@troodiedoo
Our relationship had become long distance for quite a while, and every time i saw him it was more and more like meeting an old friend instead of a boyfriend. Just fell out of love I guess.

AlmostAJillSandwich Mon 23-Apr-18 18:48:08

Some people honestly just don't feel you can be "just friends" with an ex, they think on at least one persons end there's going to be some residual feelings, and in a lot of cases there are.

Others just don't like knowing theres still emotional intimacy between their partner and an ex they shared physical intimacy with, it can cause jealousy and insecurity.

I personally am like your current DP, i wouldn't be comfortable if someone i was dating was still friends with an ex. For me it's both of the above, i'd worry either my partner or the ex might still have feelings and that under the right circumstances (e.g, both being drunk, or a tragedy where one is supporting the other emotionally, or even just being the same place alone together and one admitting to feelings) and that they could end up crossing the line from friendship, to cheating.
I also admit i am a jealous person and i would hate knowing someone who has kissed, touched, slept with, and otherwise seen my partner naked and been intimate, was still in the picture. BUT maybe thats because i'm still a virgin and waiting for the one to settle down with, my last partner had been with 3 women before me and it used to make me envious and unhappy knowing he'd been with other women, and while he'd be my first/only (hoped for only but splits happen) i'd only be "number 4" to him.

I'm insecure and i would find myself comparing myself to them in every way, and im also very self critical with little self esteem so i'd probably judge them better every time.

It is ultimately up to YOU if you are friends with this man, but don't dismiss how your current partner feels, as it will only make things worse. Accept his feelings are real and not something he's chosen to feel, he can't help it, even if you don't understand them. Don't get angry with him, but try to talk to him why he feels as he does, without hostility, and maybe you can put his mind at rest. He may of course decide he can't come to terms with it, and it may end up ending your relationship.

Mightymucks Mon 23-Apr-18 18:51:13

I suspect if we heard his side of it he would probably say that he had a very strong feeling there was unfinished business there and he didn’t feel it was entirely platonic.

47onions Mon 23-Apr-18 18:53:28

@AlmostAJillSandwich
I don't drink so the drunk circumstances will never occur. We've supported each other through two close friends suicides these past 6 years. I've always been honest with DP and try to discuss things openly.

We've had a few conversations about this, all calm and we've both listened to each other. However he still turns around and says he doesn't like him/The fact we still talk occasionally. I don't think that will change. :/

WingsofNylon Mon 23-Apr-18 18:54:16

I never really understand posts like this. Is this friendship really worth upsetting the person you love? Nothing wrong with being in the same circle, but drop the pally life updates. Show you partner some kindness and understanding. Is it really worth upsetting him?

Sure there are lots of people who would be fine with it but there are just as many who wouldn't.

lindyhopy Mon 23-Apr-18 18:54:24

I understand from your point of view that keeping in touch with him is innocent but to your husband this is someone that your shared your life with and you still think of as a great guy. Out of respect for your relationship you should leave your ex in the past.

Thebluedog Mon 23-Apr-18 18:58:10

I’m the same, I have a few ex’s that I see as part of my hobby. We parted on decent terms and I now consider them friends. I text them now and again and generally keep in touch. My dp had issues at first, he has the same hobby so we are very often out as friends for days, even weekends away. I think it’s just a bloke thing. But I simply ignored him as he seemed to dislike them for no other reason than they were ex’s. We are a few years down the road now and he’s used to it.

AlmostAJillSandwich Mon 23-Apr-18 18:58:53

I guess it's not insecurity of something happening then, and just not being ok with the fact he's someone you've loved and been intimate with then. And that's not going to change, he can't help that he feels that way, it's just how he feels. Guess you have to decide which is more important, him being comfortable, happy and secure in your relationship, or your friendship with your ex.

optimuss Mon 23-Apr-18 19:32:01

My best friend is my ex, who my current partner is now also very close friends with. We fell out of love (understatement) but definitely didn't fall out of friendship so it would seem a bit strange to me to let that go! I think I would feel a bit claustraphobic if my DP had a problem with it.

procrastinationsupremo Mon 23-Apr-18 19:42:50

When I first got to know my now husband, one of the things I really liked about him was that he was still friends with several of his ex girlfriends. I thought it showed that he had obviously been decent and loving etc. whilst he was with them and enough of a grown up to end things amicably. I never felt threatened by any if them though and they all went out of their way to be friendly and lovely to me/respect appropriate boundaries etc. I wonder is there any specific reason your partner doesn't like seeing your ex? Do you tend to slip into talking about the good old days? Is he quite physically affectionate etc?

I'm lucky to not be a jealous person and perhaps you are too, but if your partner is otherwise a decent person and you love him, I don't think there's much point in just laying down the law about this friendship. Jealousy and insecurity isn't something you can just snap out of, so I think you either have to discuss whether there are some changes you can make to help make your partner feel more comfortable, consider letting your friendship go, or understand that this is likely to prove a bone of contention in your relationship that may cause resentment to build up over time and maybe even an eventual split.

willynillypie Tue 24-Apr-18 11:17:21

I would put DP and his feelings first. It's an issue that would bother a lot of people so he isn't being unreasonable. Neither are you, but I would still think it's worth sparing the feelings of someone I love.

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