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Was He BU?

(34 Posts)
IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 01:49:49

Today we went out for the day, me my DD9 and New OH.
We went bowling and to the cinema. At bowling initially nobody was in the lane next to us. It's fairly new and appeared to have nowhere near enough bowling balls, had to hunt for one light enough for DD to use. We were having great fun and really enjoying ourselves. Halfway through our game a dad and 3 children arrived in the next lane and started to play. There was now just one 'childs' bowling ball available between 4 children. I noticed and asked the attendants if they could provide any more, they also went off to look.
Meanwhile DD's turn had come round. The 'child' ball was being held by one of the children in the next lane but the Dad was just having his first turn.
New OH just walked over, took the ball out the childs Hands and gave it to my DD to use. No 'would you mind if' or anything similar. He must have seen my face and the look on the other dads face as he then said something along the lines of 'well it's DD's turn now and the other child can't use it until her dads had his turn'
I was gobsmacked but didn't say anything at the time as I didn't want to cause a scene and I wasn't able to afterwards as DD was with us.
I'm not sure if I'm over reacting but it made me hugely uncomfortable. Should I be worried?

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 23-Apr-18 01:51:13


Is he generally socially intelligent? Caring? Empathetic?

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 01:56:42

Thanks for responding, yes I would say he appears to be all 3.

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 23-Apr-18 01:59:39

Some people without children (and with...) don't really think of children as being human beings. Also, is it possible he thought the other child 'stole' the ball to use when it was for your lane? I'm clutching at straws here.

How 'new' is he?

Greenyogagirl Mon 23-Apr-18 02:00:03

How old was the child? Did you not ask him about it later?

AnotherRandomMale Mon 23-Apr-18 02:05:33

Sounds like a massive asshat to me, very nasty way to treat the other child.

If I was the other Dad I would be visualising a 14 pound ball hitting him in the face with my arm still connected to it. Some men would act that out.

I can't find a way of justifying his behaviour but perhaps in his mind this was some way of demonstrating his chest-beating alpha male credentials as custodian & protector of you & your child. Worrying.

Dvg Mon 23-Apr-18 02:06:35

... he really just took it?.... normally people just say there borrowing it and will give it back after.... Even to other adults let alone children, you don't just take it silently... I'm kind of laughing at how un normal that is XD

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 02:07:14

Hes pretty new but has met DD before, she really likes him and keeps asking me if he can come out with us etc.

He has a 6 yr old son he sees every other weekend so I'd think he knows about children. Although he did say today it had been years since he'd been bowling.

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 02:09:23

I will be talking to him about it but didn't want to do it while DD was with us so there was no opportunity afterwards

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 23-Apr-18 02:11:01

Well it's definitely strike one. If he's pretty new, now is the time to suss out if he's a keeper.

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 02:12:10

Another I did wonder if that's what it was,

DvG yes he took it without saying anything until he saw mine and the other dads faces, then presumably realised how bad it was and said something

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 02:13:58

MrsTerry strike one is correct!
I was just so surprised, I don't know him really well but it was out of character enough for me to be gobsmacked

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 23-Apr-18 02:15:49

Anyone can pretend to be nice for a few weeks. So this is either a moment of ill-considered silliness that you can talk about or... it's the mask slipping.

You sound sensible enough to know the difference. smile

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 02:25:33

MrsTerry thanks I really hope it's the first. Either way we will be talking about it tomorrow

Graphista Mon 23-Apr-18 02:25:39

How new? I'd be very surprised if you've known him for any length of time and he's not displayed any similar behaviour before.

And him being a weekend dad means nothing - maybe part of the reason he's no longer with ex is cos he's shit with kids!

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 02:30:04

Graphiste just a few months, but he hasn't displayed that kind of behaviour around me before. And yes obviously having a child of his own doesn't necessarily make him good with kids

Jon66 Mon 23-Apr-18 02:34:01

The other family sound v rude. Perhaps he didn't want a discussion about it so just took it.

Graphista Mon 23-Apr-18 02:34:27

Then I'm sorry but you don't know him nearly well enough to be involving him with your child anyway.

My advice would be no more involvement with your child at least for several more months and seriously consider the relationship overall.

He sounds like a right twat!

Very easy for at least first 6 months to have a facade of a personality.

I don't understand parents involving new boyfriends/girlfriends in their children's lives before they've been together AT LEAST 6 months AND where you've seen them in a variety of settings. How does he treat waiters, bar staff and similar? How did you meet him?

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 02:41:11

Graphista we have been out together many times and he has so far treated bar and waiting staff very nicely. There have been no alarm.

And whilst I thank you for responding, my post did not ask what you thought about my parenting choices. Whatever you may think, for your own reasons, I know that I am best placed to decide how soon my child does or doesn't meet somebody.

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 02:44:07

Jon66 I don't think they were rude, the children were ( at a guess ) aged between 8 and 12 ish so I imagine hadn't realised that holding onto the 1 'child' ball could be a problem.

liminality Mon 23-Apr-18 02:56:41

What, he passed a bowling ball to another kid? I can't really see the problem tbh. It might be a bit graceless, but I would err on saying he made a minor social faux pas rather than is a psycho you should bin, especially taking into account all your other comments about him.

And a few months in is definitely early enough to introduce someone to your children. You don't want to be 6 months into a relationship and completely attached to your new partner and then discover there is a great rift between them and your kids.

Graphista Mon 23-Apr-18 03:05:25

Fine pointless people bothering to advise you then.

We see it ALL the time on mn people rushing into relationships without any consideration for how it affects their children. You BARELY know this guy but think it's appropriate to allow your child to form an attachment to him - on your head be it your poor child.

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 08:06:34

Liminality thanks for that. That's kind of my thinking with this too. I have done it the other way and it didn't work for us.

I try to be very careful and have no intention of any new man affecting my DD's life in a negative way. Just because DD keeps asking if new OH can come out with us does not mean I keep saying yes.

RiceBaby Mon 23-Apr-18 09:44:16

It'snot that big a deal.

IndieTara Mon 23-Apr-18 11:31:35

It definately bothered me and I'm going to talk to him about it tonight

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