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To feel utterly shite about going back to work?

(17 Posts)
DrTorres Sun 22-Apr-18 23:50:55

Back to work in two weeks after almost a year of maternity leave. DD2 will be ten months when I go back. I know she’s my last one.

I’ve been phasing her into nursery (her older sister has been there since the same age and it has been wonderful) and it’s going well. She seems to like it. So childcare-wise I think we are set.

But I feel sick to my stomach this time round. I love being home for the girls and dedicating all of my time and energy to them. We have a good routine going. They eat well, I have energy and capacity to do fun stuff with them. I’m not stressed and snappy. Last time round I felt ready to go back but not this time. My career is full on, demanding and time consuming and while I won’t be working during time spent with the girls (every night at the kitchen table once they are asleep is the most likely scenario) it just won’t be the same.

DD2 is an absolute sweetheart. She’s hilarious and affectionate and so, so attached to me. I can’t bear the idea of leaving her in nursery three days per week (8-6 - unavoidably long days). She’ll wonder where I’ve gone.

There is no way I can not work. We have done the sums. Also if I leave my career it’s unlikely I’ll get back in in five years when they’re both at school - competitive and fast-moving area. DH keeps saying it’s really for the best and it’s better for me in the long run, he reckons I would be bored at home eventually, and what would I do once the girls are at school etc. I haven’t said much to him (because what’s the point, it won’t change anything) but I feel utterly cut up about it.

Can anyone relate? Can anyone make me feel better? 😞

Fruitcorner123 Sun 22-Apr-18 23:58:41

I can totally relate. I am going back in sept after what will be almost a year with my DD2. I have been through this twice before but its still heartbreaking. I would love to have more time with her. We literally wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage if I didn't go back.

Is there any way you could look at maybe reducing to 2 or 2.5 days? Is there any way you could have a year back and in that year really save and then cut your hours? I am thinking of trying to do something along those lines and it is giving me hope

Ultimately though we are among the lucky few who can afford to at least be part time. Once you get back it really won't feel as awful as it does now and I definitely think we make more of the time together the less of it we have. I often get to the end of a week of my mat leave and wonder why i've wasted time

Other things you could fo to make your two days together more special is look at getting a cleaner so that you don't spend your days off doing jobs round the house and make sure you discuss with DH how household jobs are going to be distributed once you are working.

flowers I know how you feel and it sucks

TheBigFatMermaid Mon 23-Apr-18 00:03:43

You will work three days but still be able to do all bedtimes! I think the bond you have created will stay very strong! Of course you will worry, you would not be the good mum you are if you didn't, it it will be fine! Hard but fine!

DrTorres Mon 23-Apr-18 00:04:03

Honestly it has been the fastest year of my whole life. I cannot believe it’s almost over. It has just zipped past.

I can’t cut my hours any more. I’m lucky they let me do three days and I suspect after a while they’ll want me to increase to four. Hopefully not till the girls are older though.

Sorry you’re feeling it too. It’s so unfair.

Ruleof4 Mon 23-Apr-18 00:11:56

I’ve been in exactly the same situation. I did more days but less hours per day second time around so that come the end of school both my daughters and I were pretty much home together. I found because the youngest was a lot more affectionate once I came home to her, the flurry of excitement more than made up for it. Also having a big sister, she developed a lot faster and understood the concept of why and when I work. Each week is now a countdown to the exciting weekend plans; some as simple as a different breakfast to the weekday routine! If you need you’re job, don’t concentrate on the’feeling crappy’ part. Maybe starting planning some quality time in now to keep you motivated! Good luck

Fruitcorner123 Mon 23-Apr-18 00:14:48

Other thing to tell yourself is what a good role model you are for your girls and how proud they will be of you.(not that a sham wouldn't be but it's good that they see you have a career as well as Daddy.)

Colonelpopcorn Mon 23-Apr-18 00:17:22

Ah this makes me so nervous. I’ve not had baby yet but due back to work in August. (Own business) and I just know I’m going to hate going back so soon. sad

mumofteens12 Mon 23-Apr-18 00:19:34

I relate so well! I was literally heartbroken leaving her - she didn't settle at nursery at first and I cried so many tears but 7 years on she talks so fondly about her time at nursery and once she was at school I was sooo glad I'd gone back to work when she was a baby. I would have hated to be looking for work after a 4/5 year gap. My job is v demanding and full on but I think it is slightly easier for the familiarity. Imagine starting a new job when they're at school and having to take time off when they're ill. Honestly all round it's better to feel the pain now for the benefits later.

SoaveSally Mon 23-Apr-18 00:27:11

From what you have stated you need to go back to work. Try to think that it is for three days, therefore you will have four days with your dds.

BakedBeans47 Mon 23-Apr-18 00:52:00

From what you have stated you need to go back to work. Try to think that it is for three days, therefore you will have four days with your dds

This. I don’t really get why it’s “unfair” either OP. It is what it is, it’s understandable that you find it hard, but it’s not “unfair”, it’s just life.

I’ve always had to work too, I’ve always done 4 days a week since mine were babies, and I have never got upset about it, it just had to happen. I am sure when you are back at work it won’t be so bad and you can enjoy the 4 days a week you get to spend with them flowers

DrTorres Mon 23-Apr-18 07:14:57

Thank you for the replies. I’m going to just have to make the most of the days we do have together.

I know really that it’s not “unfair” and it just is what it is. I still feel sad and guilty.

LaurieMarlow Mon 23-Apr-18 07:27:52

You have to focus on the fact that going back to three days is great. Lots of people don't get that option.

You know it's the right thing for the family, so just get on with it.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 23-Apr-18 07:29:51

I 100% relate OP

Second mat leaves are always the better ones !

You will be ok . And things change and nothing stays the same for ever . If you want a change it can and will happen

stopfuckingshoutingatme Mon 23-Apr-18 07:31:32

And it’s 3 days ? That’s great

Pity me ! 5 days sad

Aaaalltheboys Mon 23-Apr-18 07:45:44

I find it really helpful to work out how I'm going to spread leave throughout the year so I know the dc have stretches of x amount and then I get lovely time off with them. Also booking holidays away if funds permit!

My second dc adapted swimmingly to being away from me and the first dc needs me less already (sob) so although neither of them are at school yet I am already feeling the benefit of being back at work and being able to provide more in terms of activities, holidays, letting them attend friends parties etc which all matter to them and would be tough without my income.

Only other really good tip I read was to try not to view anything as a permanent decision. Going back doesn't mean you're stuck with that. If it isn't working 3 months in you can reassess hours/role/childcare arrangements etc.

Best of luck op, our kids are all lucky we worry so much about them!

villainousbroodmare Mon 23-Apr-18 09:35:31

I'm due twins in 3 weeks. I will have to return to work at 6-8 weeks for financial reasons. We are all pretty sad about it. I'm better off than most. Tempted to offer you a biscuit tbh grin

mehhh Mon 23-Apr-18 09:50:55

I can relate to this so much.. I'm due to go back in July after my first baby and although I'm lucky to be able to go back part time i just really love being at home with baby, I will have been off for a year but it's gone so fast

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