To even contemplate this?

[123whatsmyusername]

I’m in a right mess. In March, DH and I made the heart-breaking decision to end a pregnancy at 19 weeks after tests revealed our baby had a chromosomal abnormality which would have given her basically zero quality of life. When we found out, we also found out it was caused by chromosomal abnormality I have (I am a carrier and therefore this doesn’t affect me health-wise).

We’ve been talking about the future and we are being referred for PGD IVF, which could potentially eliminate this happening again (providing it is successful, obviously). However, DH is keen to try for a baby naturally. There is around a 50% of conceiving a baby with the same abnormality. We have no living children and so desperately want to have a family. Our daughter took 18 months to conceive.

AIBU for contemplating trying for a baby naturally knowing the same thing could happen? What would you do in this situation?

[PurpleDaisies]

I wouldn’t risk having another TFMR. I’d do the IVF. Sorry you’re in this position.

[BoxsetsAndPopcorn]

I couldnt try naturally and wouldn't let DH talk me into it.

[FizzyGreenWater]

Nice that he person who doesn't have to live with the consequent procedure if you don't get lucky is perfectly fine with taking the chance 😡

Not sure what to say that's good about your DH here, really the only reasonable outlook a decent man could have is a. I don't want either of us, but especially you, to have to go through that again and b. The decision here is really yours, as you are the one who will actually have to shoulder the worst of it.

😡

[Poshindevon]

Sorry your in this awful position. You and your husband are being very unreasonable to try for a child naturally. Its not the lottery its a childs life you are gambling with.
You have a viable option with IVF take it.

[UpstartCrow]

Yanbu. But in your position I'd be asking some hard questions about your DH's attitude.

[lindyhopy]

I wouldn't even think about trying naturally if IVF is an option. I don't understand why your DP would put you through all of the weeks of worry and potential termination. Hope you have a family member who can speak to him to make him see how unreasonable he is being and how horrible this would be for you.

[SweetEnough]

Sorry for your loss

A friend had a child who died before they were a year old, due to a genetic condition that was not diagnosed until birth. She had a 50% chance of it happening if she tried again. Her 2nd child is happy and healthy, she and everybody else were worried but she wanted to try.

It's something only you can decide, but it is YOUR decision, not your dh's. He will grieve but not the same as you, take his reasons on board but don't feel obliged to agree.

Honesty, I wouldn't be able to. I would feel guilty and that I was to blame although you are not in anyway it is how I would feel. I would go with ivf and expect my dp to support that decision.

[Idontdowindows]

Ask your husband why he wants you to potentially have to go through a termination again and if he thinks terminations are a walk in the park?

All he has to do is ejaculate, you have to do all the rest to build that baby, and he's asking an awful lot of you.

[NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom]

There is no way I'd do this in your position, there is a 50% that you will have to go through that same heartbreak all over again-why would you put yourself through that?

[powershowerforanhour]

100% chance of weeks of worry and a 50% chance of another termination. I think I'd go for the IVF.

[littlecabbage]

Personally, I woukd choose IVF rather than risk another late termination. And what if it takes you a long time to conceive again? I presume the IVF is free due to your genetic circumstances?

I am sorry for your loss xx

[ScipioAfricanus]

IVF absolutely. You’re talking a 50% chance, not 10 or even 20%. I don’t understand your husband’s attitude at all. Maybe he thinks you’ve had your bad luck but obviously he should know that’s not how probability works.

I’m sorry for your loss.

[GilligansKitchenIsland]

What a difficult position for you to be in, OP! I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter
I don't think this situation is as straightforward as "her body, her choice" as PPs make it out to be. There's also a father here who lost a child at quite a late stage of development, and he's presumably aware thay he could lose another child by going the natural conception route.
Why is he so keen to go down this route, OP? How did you both deal with the impact of losing your daughter previously? How do you think you would deal with a repeat of that scenario, particularly if you felt like you had been talked into it by your DH? Not questions you have to answer here, but worth considering.
IVF is by no means an easy route; it can be really gruelling. This scenario could equally be framed as '100% chance of stress due to IVF vs a 50-50 chance of a healthy baby or another termination'.
I don't envy you this decision at all. Is there a genetic counsellor at your hospital you and your DH can talk to?

[Knittedfairies]

There is no way that I would consider trying to conceive naturally given the odds and I speak as a carrier of a chromosome abnormality. My daughter is ‘just’ a carrier like me, but my son is affected. It is very hard knowing I have passed this on to my children; you have an opportunity I never had.

[tigerrun]

Why would he want to put you through that? Why not the IVF? As someone who went through to 20 weeks not knowing if the pregnancy was viable (potential heart issue seen at 12 weeks), but with a positive outcome I am thankful for daily I would put no one through that, friend or foe. Stand your ground & good luck OP (& sorry for your loss )

[123whatsmyusername]

Thank you for all of your replies - you pretty much sum up what I’ve been feeling. Gillians - thank you for not tearing strips out of him.
I guess I don’t know what I feel right now. He’s just so desperate for a baby (as am I) and I feel so inadequate for having this abnormality that I’ve romanticised the fact that we could potentially have a healthy baby natural.
Sometimes you just need outsiders’ perspectives.