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To be moody about this

(173 Posts)
HoarseMackerel Sun 22-Apr-18 13:43:17

My adult son has his own place.
I brought both my children up on my own an we're close but I'm also careful to make sure I am not an annoying mother who calls and texts too much.
I pop in once a week, with him letting me know which day as he has early and late finishes and if convenient.
Sometimes, if he's not sure of his hours, I'll say to text when he knows.
Guaranteed, I won't hear from him. I used to text to remind him but stopped after a while as I felt I was chasing. We make plans for some weekends but I'm never quite sure if he will be there on time or will just generally drag his heels or try and get me to pick him up, even if it's a 20 mile round trip in the wrong direction from where we're going, even though we agreed he'd come on the train and meet at the station. It doesn't cost anymore for the forward journey for a number of destinations, so no loss to him.
Just to mention, I've done everything for my children. Helped and supported them, put them first and always say how proud I am.
My daughter was a victim of a serious crime and even though at times, I've wanted to be a panicky, over protective mother, I've gritted my teeth and made sure I have let them live their lives.
Thursday we went out for a meal (no negotiation over turning up as it was my daughter's birthday), had a lovely time.
He said he'd come over today as he knew my daughter was away but he said he would call/text before to make final plans. We had something in mind.
No call or text. I called last night. No answer. I called this morning. He eventually called me back and said he had stuff to do and I could come to him later if I wanted to. He knows I'm coming over later anyway as I'm meeting friends. So we've gone from day out to come over to me much later as you're around anyway (I'd already told him I would drop him home).
It's every single time! He messes me about, doesn't reply, doesn't answer his phone and if he does call me back, it's to mess me about some more.
His father hasn't bothered with either of the children for years and I know that they deserve better but he's got better, he's got me!
I was angry this morning at yet another let down. I went out for a walk and thought I'll see how I feel and now I feel really down and upset at this happening again.
I should probably give him a taste of his own medicine but with the dismal way his father treated him, I don't like the thought of doing this. A young adult should be able to rely on their mother but he's pushing all my buttons!

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 Sun 22-Apr-18 13:50:49

I'm not sure but perhaps for now as your children are older and have their own things going on then it's time to take a step back.

Possibly not what you want to hear but now is the time to be putting yourself first.

Birdsgottafly Sun 22-Apr-18 13:53:31

You need to lower your expectations. You want him to give you a lot of his free time. I don't see one of my Adult DD's for months, because I wouldn't dream of demanding her free time.

Why do you expect so much contact? Personally i would just congratulate myself in raising someone who has a good work ethic and lots of friends to spend time with.

I was Widowed, my Dh was seriously ill from when my youngest was 18 months old. I did what you do as a Parent and got on with it. It doesn't deserve an obligation on their part.

I go on holiday, meet up on Christmas etc with my children, but wouldn't sulk or stamp my feet the way you are, if it couldn't happen. You are cutting off your nose to spite yourself.

HollowTalk Sun 22-Apr-18 13:57:01

Could you have a regular night when he comes to dinner at your house?

You need to find a way of meeting him where you don't feel as though you're begging for attention. From his point of view, he probably is busy and full of his new life - I'm sure he doesn't intend to hurt you.

HoarseMackerel Sun 22-Apr-18 13:59:51

To be clear. Most arrangements are initiated by him. As previously stated, I make sure he knows that I'm not expecting continuous attention and I do my own thing.
It's the last minute let downs I don't like.
I work full time too, so not wanting to be making arrangements 24/7!

ScabbyHorse Sun 22-Apr-18 15:04:12

Yes you are, a bit. You are expecting too much from him. For some reason he is afraid to tell you outright and is showing you instead.

HoarseMackerel Sun 22-Apr-18 15:58:56

I'm not really sure if anyone has actually read anything I've posted!
He asks me if I can come round and then can't stick to a plan. I'm perfectly happy doing my own thing but haven't arranged anything because of him requesting we meet and then just changing everything or not being where he said he'd be.
He's not just recently moved out. He's been living on his own for years.
He's not some sort of high flying executive in a demanding job working long hours.
I'd happily not contact him until he finally notices but was asking if it was a good idea to do that?
I'm not needy or desperate to see him but obviously enjoy his company as he is my son. I DO NOT CONSTANTLY DEMAND HIS ATTENTION.
If he doesn't want to see me, then he probably needs to stop asking me to come over or asking me if I want to do anything with him.
Also, if he doesn't want to see me, he needs to man up and say what the issue is.
I personally think it's just laziness, so if he can't be arsed, why doesn't he just say? He will have to understand that it works both ways.
I kept my day clear today to accommodate the fact he wanted to meet up!
Surely someone can understand what I'm saying!
As for sulking and stamping my feet, I think I'm entitled to be annoyed that I've made plans around him and he's messed them up again last minute.

HoarseMackerel Sun 22-Apr-18 16:01:49

If he was my partner and I was telling you that we make plans and he always lets me down, I'm sure I'd be told to leave him/dump him but just asking what you do if it's your child?
Do you just dump them too and show no interest?

keepthepeace Sun 22-Apr-18 16:05:21

"He asks me if I can come round and then can't stick to a plan."
"I kept my day clear today to accommodate the fact he wanted to meet up!"

Why are you putting up with this? Take a step back and leave him to it. If he wants to see you, he will.

You are making it easy for him to mess you about because you are keeping days clear. A whole day! Give him a time limit. If he's not at your place by x time or doesn't reply by Y time, you're unavailable!

user764329056 Sun 22-Apr-18 16:07:48

Just step back and relax

Doyoumind Sun 22-Apr-18 16:10:43

I think you're letting him behave like this. Even as adults, children often take their parents for granted. He's not seeing the let downs as a big deal. Tell him they are for you. When he suggests something, start saying no. Plan to see him less and he's more likely to stick to plans.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 Sun 22-Apr-18 16:14:55

Yes, don't be available. And when he asks why you say because he doesn't keep to plans.

He's an adult so he should be treated like one.

seventh Sun 22-Apr-18 16:15:29


You expect one hell of a lot from your DS

Unreasonable? Yes. Imo you are being unreasonable and needy.

Sorry 😐

HoarseMackerel Sun 22-Apr-18 16:19:45

Thanks for the replies!
This is what I'm trying to say.
I'm already part way to instigating this during the week.
I probably didn't explain that part properly. If he wants me to go round during the week but he's not sure of his hours, if I don't hear, I don't go.
Sometimes he'll text me last minute saying to come that evening and I've started to refuse, one of those times having genuinely made other plans.
I just feel sad that I've had to do this and would be upset if I didn't hear from him much due to laziness on his part.
The plan for today, he was really up for it but same behaviour, so yes you're right, I need to start saying no and saying I'm sick of the being messed about!
For info, these days are never wasted after he has let me down.
I work full time and I went out 4 nights last week. I'm doing washing, cooking and my garden!

HoarseMackerel Sun 22-Apr-18 16:22:12

Another one who obviously hasn't read it properly!
Just for info again: I DON'T MAKE THE PLANS, HE DOES AND THEN MESSES ME ABOUT but thanks for your contribution seventh!

seventh Sun 22-Apr-18 16:42:20

My apologies. I must have misread

Then ....based on your caps sentence confused I'd avoid organising anything with him

Seems little point organising events/meets if you're almost sure he's going to let you down

Why do it?

I hope it works out for you 👍

HoarseMackerel Sun 22-Apr-18 16:49:39

Maybe don't call someone needy if you haven't even had the decency to read the post properly?
The fact that I'm trying to get the balance right between not abandoning my son (who has already been abandoned by his other parent and others) and not letting him walk all over me, is quite a big deal for me.
We've been through a lot as a family.

He's now phoning me on the hour. I've not answered at the moment. Not to be difficult or horrible. I'll answer when I'm not quite so annoyed about today's let down.

bonpinkbon Sun 22-Apr-18 16:53:49

Simple take a step back and when he wants to see you say he has to come to you.

Gemini69 Sun 22-Apr-18 16:53:54

Start saying NO flowers

PookieDo Sun 22-Apr-18 16:59:57

I don’t see threads like this much that strike such resonance with me

I am the child in this scenario. I’m not always proud of myself over it either. I don’t not turn up but I avoid and ignore. I really do find weekly contact expectation just too much to handle. It isn’t like we aren’t close, it’s just that spending time with my mother in her 60’s doesn’t get me done all the things I need to do, it’s like formal ‘time out’ from everything - her life is less busy than mine, so I get it. Seeing me is a pastime she can afford. For me, it’s precious spare time that I find more of an obligation and worse so if I am made to feel guilty about it. Your last passive aggressive post is exactly how my mother reacts too - like AFTER ALL SHE HAS DONE FOR ME.

I can tell you why he makes these promises and breaks them, it’s because he feels guilty about keep breaking them, so says what you want to hear and then cannot be bothered. And you will always be there for him, so he doesn’t have to really make any effort with you

I would back off.

Do you have other hobbies/interests? I would get busy. Once he sees that you are busy he’s less likely to keep doing this guilt thing of making plans with you (as he feels bad) then breaking them (as he’s busy)

2andcountingtodate Sun 22-Apr-18 17:18:33

I would speak to him and tell him you are happy to meet less frequently as it appears that works for him and you dont want him stressing about trying to fit in weekly meetups.

If you make plans say for a sunday i would say 'ok you let me know by friday when you want to meet or ill make plans'. If he doesnt let you know then you do your own thing and say let him come to you.

HoarseMackerel Sun 22-Apr-18 17:35:50

Pookie Doo really?!
You are another one who hasn't really read it. Practically everything you've tried to compare to your own situation is not what has happened here!
'Do you have other hobbies/interests?'Mentioned my own busy life previously.
'Seeing me is a pastime she can afford' good for her! Already mentioned a number of situations suggesting that I'm nothing like your mother!
You sound like a terrible child trying to justify your bad treatment of your mother by trying to compare. Have you asked her if she's got any other hobbies?! Perhaps tilt your head to one side and say it in a squeaky voice to make it a bit more patronising?!

AmberNectarine Sun 22-Apr-18 17:43:44

Wow, I can't imagine why he doesn't turn up... hmm

I think Pookie was trying to give you another perspective, even if the situation doesn't EXACTLY match your own.

Not necessary to jump on her like that.

Allthebestnamesareused Sun 22-Apr-18 17:44:41

You mention if it was a partner ....

But it isn't it is your adult child who is living his life. It is time to step back a bit and let him do his thing. He will be round when he choses or when he needs you. My oldest and I touch base by facebook but don't have to have physical contact to feel part of each other's lives. My parents live abroad so I don't seem them often

If he senses your apparent anger he will probably step away rather than closer.

Highhorse1981 Sun 22-Apr-18 17:48:19

How old is your son

I’ve not read any other thread like yours beforehand.

Why? Because by the time nothersbhave adult children they know them well enough not to be surprised at this kind of behaviour.

I reckon he’s a young adult and self absorbed and busy. Build your own life and he’ll bevine more considerate

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