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AIBU?

To have not given my savings to my DM?

131 replies

CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 12:40

NC a bit outing.

I've been low contact with my DM since DS was born 9 months ago (not my choice). I used to visit her more than she would visit me anyway, but once DS was born her house was a no-go for me - her and her DP chain smoke in the house and they have two untrained dogs (one jumps up on people, the other I've not met as is still a puppy). She has only visited me once since DS was born (she lives 5 miles away) and ignores suggestions of meeting for coffee.

Anyway, I cracked and decided to call her and find out why she's been avoiding me. Short answer - I knew she was struggling for money, had savings, but decided to buy a house rather than help her out.

For reference she is always struggling for money as her and DP don't work (Her DP does some dodgy cash-in-hand stuff from time to time). She has twice over the past 6 years come into some amounts of money but it ended up being dwindled away (in the £10,000s each time). As she stopped getting child benefit and child tax credits last year, her outgoings are now higher than her incomings.

I haven't had any monetary support from either of my DPs. I've paid for everything myself and have been putting money aside for a couple of years. Neither myself or DP are high earners but we are generally comfortable (though money is tight on Mat Leave). I fell pregnant, we decided to buy thinking it would be easier to get a mortgage before DS was born. The savings were always for a house.

My DM thinks it's my job to support her because that's what children do. She's in her late 40s so I'm not sure I could afford to take care of her for the rest of her life even if she wanted me to. I have 2 other brothers, but one is NC with her, the other doesn't work so it's my job to help her out.

She has borrowed money before, but never paid back. She wasn't asking for a loan this time.

WIBU to use my savings on a house deposit or did I have a duty to give her some of that money instead?

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 22/04/2018 12:42

Fuck that. She's young enough to work and you are not there to subside her lifestyle choices.

PineappleYum · 22/04/2018 12:43

YADNBU

Her being low/no contact is a win for you.

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/04/2018 12:45

First things first , there's a very true old saying never lend more than you can afford to lose .

My DM thinks it's my job to support her because that's what children do. That certainly isn't a British cultural expectation; neither is the norm. I know it happens in Irish communities and some Asian communities, but it certainly isn't a mainstream British attitude.

Lastly. Don't ever discuss finances with any one other than your bank manager or your partner. That nails dead any expectation of heling/lending/loaning. .

pitterpatterrain · 22/04/2018 12:45

Huh. YANBU

PalePinkSwan · 22/04/2018 12:45

Absolutely no obligation to help her out. She’s still young - she can get a job or manage on benefits like everybody else.

CruCru · 22/04/2018 12:47

Of course you’re not unreasonable. You sound pretty sensible.

Raffles1981 · 22/04/2018 12:47

My DM and her DP are quite similar. Never working, always dealing in cash in hand jobs and being totally stupid with money. You have to ask yourself what would they spend the money on? And why, when you are sensible, after you have had a baby does she expect you to keep her in the manner she is accustomed to. If you really feel you should give her some money (fwiw I don't think you should give her a penny) offer to pay some bills directly. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know. Speaking from experience (I lent my DM and DP a lot of money some years ago) giving her anything will be a mistake. You have a child you need to build a future for. If she cannot see that and be proud that you are doing that, then she's not worth your time.

wink1970 · 22/04/2018 12:47

I don’t think there’s a big enough NO for this.

HELL NO - you should not help her out, you are definitely not BU.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 22/04/2018 12:48

You are definitely not being unreasonable to spend your savings on a house deposit.
Looking at it dispassionately it sounds like giving her your savings would be throwing good money after bad anyway.
Why doesn’t she work? I’m also in my late 40s, it is not old, and unless she has significant health issues there is no reason why she should be dependent on anyone, least of all her children.
It’s your responsibility now to provide for your baby, not for your mother. My guess is there’s a reason why your other brother is NC.
Take care of yourself and your baby Flowers

Thebluedog · 22/04/2018 12:48

Not a chance I’d lend her money

Outlookmainlyfair · 22/04/2018 12:48

YADNBU - she is a shocker to ask!

DancingLedge · 22/04/2018 12:49

no no no no

Barring family help with unexpected catastrophes, which is not what you're talking here, why should you subsidise her?

The fact that you're even wondering is unusual.

Angrybird345 · 22/04/2018 12:50

You were right.... she’s off her rocker. Tell them to get a bloody job each.

MayFayner · 22/04/2018 12:52

I know it happens in Irish communities

I'm Irish and no one I know supports their parents. It's very common for parents to gift at least part of a house deposit to their adult children though.

OP don't feel guilty. Your own family unit and home come first.

IlikemyTeahot · 22/04/2018 12:52

Sorry but your mum sounds like a right C.F. no way is she entitled to any of your savings....as you said, she had opportunities and she made her own bad decisions and I'm aware there are reason s people may be out of work but at 40 years old expecting you to take care of her is dreadfully selfish. I think you need to be blunt here and let DM know she will not be getting access to your savings as they are in place to make sure you don't end up in her position. Your savings are for your security and that of your DP, DCs only. If your feeling generous offer to teach her how to budget her money properly so she can start to put away her own savings.
I may be in the minority here but (assuming they're not disabled or anything) as long as they have food on their table they should be left to it and suffer the consequences of their laziness if that doesnt spur them on to sort themselves out financially then thats the life they've chosen and they shouldn't be shamelessly hinting at their kids to bail them out.
And OP do not let your DM guilt trip you!

Cracklesfire · 22/04/2018 12:52

Not your responsibility. We’re heading for the same situation with my MIL but my opinion is if we start taking on financial responsibility for her now we’ll be stuck forevermore. We’ve already loaned money/bought big items for her that are never paid back. She’s awful with money and like your DM has come into large sums of over last ten years which have been frittered away on nothing.

Your DC are your priority and your DM shouldn’t be holding that against you.

flumpybear · 22/04/2018 12:53

Is this serious!? She and her partner don't work and want you to not buy a house and support them j stead of them getting s
Job

  • on your bike would be my response, mum or otherwise - blooody lazy fuckers!


Do NOT waste your life or your chance of
A home on them
HollowTalk · 22/04/2018 12:53

Are you kidding? Don't give her a penny. Or, rather, give her what she gave you when she had those lump sums.

CapedCricket · 22/04/2018 12:55

My DP of course agrees it's ridiculous and is angry on my behalf. Ive just found myself questioning whether I was BU as I've had no idea why she stopped talking to me. I've spend so many nights trying to figure out what I may have done and it really hadn't crossed my mind that this would be an issue.

I think the saddest thing is that my DM wouldn't be able to pick my DS out of a line-up due to this.

OP posts:
bonnyshide · 22/04/2018 12:59

It is your job to support yourself and your own child. Which you and DH are doing.

YANBU

What kind of a GM ignores her new grandchild because she wants money (and gets a new puppy whilst struggling financially wtf?) she is a 'taker'....

Extravagant · 22/04/2018 13:00

Just wow! How ridiculous - if anything, she should be giving you money to help out with getting on the housing ladder and the new baby! Don't even let the thought of guilt cross your mind.

Caribou58 · 22/04/2018 13:01

YANBU. She and partner could work. They choose not to.

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frasier · 22/04/2018 13:02

You are perfectly in the right to do whatever you wish with your own money and your mother sounds like a nightmare.

swampytiggaa · 22/04/2018 13:04

OP my mom is in her very late 80’s. she has never asked for financial help and is quite likely to bung money in my account if she thinks I am short for any reason.

I am in my late 40’s and am planning on working as long as I can to support myself and to help out my children.

She is a proper CF

Enjoy your immediate family and your stability x you have done the right thing for you all x

ErrmWTAF · 22/04/2018 13:05

YANBU

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