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AIBU?

how do i handle this family feud?

342 replies

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 10:55

I am in my late 20s, my parents always raised us to get along and we have quite a strong family unit with very supportive parents. However after an incident with my sister[which I cannot explain here as it is much too personal and much too complicated but believe me it is very bad] I have decided my sister is dead to me as her actions were unforgivable. I never confronted her over what she did as it is too awkward a situation but just gave her silent treatment for months with one word answers until I eventually confessed all to my parents who had sussed something was up at Halloween when I was home visiting. [I am from Glasgow but live in Cornwall] who were both horrified and in denial about what i told them.

They tried to say i had interpreted it all wrong[despite hard evidence I was right] when i have a feeling my mum knew i was telling the truth and knew it already but my dad certainly did not. In reality they just did not want to hear what i was saying as it was way too damaging to deal with and it is rather unfixable really. I told them my sister was dead to me as were her kids because I did not want any more association with her and I did not want any more interaction with them before l left. Due to this fight I am very unwilling to be around the family home anymore as my sister also poisoned other family members against me and my sister and her kids are always visiting as they live nearby. One night my mum even rang me and my sister was in the background and she tried to include my sister in the convo and I sent her a strongly worded text after telling her never to do that again. Now, my mum rang me yesterday and said my brother is getting married in august and she wants me home for it.

I really don't want to go back. I know my parents would have told my sister what i said and try a mediation and really i can't face her or i don't want to have to chat to her if she tries to make excuses [lies] for what she did as it is too much of a horrible thing to talk about and frankly i don't want to even hear what she has to say as I despise her and think she is poison. I am just thinking of ringing sick to the wedding, what should i do? And please do not say maybe i have misunderstood the situation as I know for certain my sister did what she did and there was no misunderstanding.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 22/04/2018 11:01

Your parents are awful for not calling your sister to account for what she did. You were right to go NC.

How close are you to DB? Will you be sad to miss his wedding?

If you have any decent family members, now is the time to build separate relationships with them. Tell them the lies your sisters told.

Don't cut yourself off from everyone, because that way you leter your sister win.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 11:06

I’m sorry OP, I know how that feels.

I went NC with my brother earlier this year, for unforgivable behaviour all my life but the straw that broke the camel’s back was before and after our Mum died. I haven’t told my Dad, because he’s not strong enough. But long story short the rest of our family believed my brother’s shite so I don’t talk to them either (bar my dad and my Mum’s brother).

I don’t have any advice, just lots of solidarity.

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 11:06

I am not overly close but we were still quite close in age and it would cause alot of upset if i was not there. I do not want to spoil his day or the day in general for my parents who would be very upset if i did not go as they did nothing wrong.

As for telling the other family members, i believe many know what my sister did but they are very close to her and would not take sides. I f anything they would take her side actually. It is so complicated.

OP posts:
ImSoExhausted · 22/04/2018 11:07

What did she do? Why have you cut contact with her children? Surely it's not their fault??

NeedForBlossom · 22/04/2018 11:08

Tell your mum you won't be at the wedding, it's not fair on your brother to plan for you if you won't be there.

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 11:08

I went to a counselor [the samaritans] about it and he couldn't believe how messy the situation was, he did not know what to suggest.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 11:09

Family can be complicated, especially if a manipulator is involved.
And it’s soul destroying being the only one who sees what they are and what they’re capable of.
Even on her deathbed my mother was devastated when my brother showed his true colours, it broke her heart.

NeedForBlossom · 22/04/2018 11:09

X posted. But you can't go and ignore your sister, that really won't work.

Bishybarnybee · 22/04/2018 11:10

Lacucracha, how can you possibly get that from what OP has written here? We have no idea what the issue is about or whether OP or sister are in the wrong.

Any mum would be distressed that her children were not talking, and would want all her children at their sibling's wedding. Without knowing the original situation, we have no idea who's being unreasonable here.

Not saying OP should tell all, just that she can't get any meaningful feedback based on what is given here.

RedHelenB · 22/04/2018 11:13

Can't you go to the wedding but not socialise with your sister?

KriticalSoul · 22/04/2018 11:15

I think you ought to go for your brother, this is about him, not your sister.

You don't have to be anything other than polite if your sister attempts to talk to you, hopefully a wedding ought to be big enough that you can mostly avoid each other for the day.

I do think its a shame that you've cut her kids off though. My uncle fell out with my mom and her sisters and went NC with the whole family, and I can quite honestly say, 30 years later i'm still angry and upset that he cut me and my brother dead as we had nothing what-so-ever to do with his fall out with my mother and aunts. He is still my uncle and I loved him and I miss him and my aunt.

My ex sil has done the same after she left my brother and 3 years later i'm still having to explain to my kids why she doesn't see them and they think she hates them too, so there you go.

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 11:16

''Can't you go to the wedding but not socialise with your sister?''

i was thinking that but it's still so awkward seeing her there with her kids and her husband, i just don't want to be near them.

OP posts:
Smeddum · 22/04/2018 11:18

OP do what you’re comfortable with. If it’s going to cause you distress or worry, don’t do it.
I’m not sure why it’s you who should be obligated to think about family, when from what you’ve written that’s a one way thing.

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 11:20

''Any mum would be distressed that her children were not talking, and would want all her children at their sibling's wedding.''

yea that is it, my parents are not bad ppl-they are very decent and have devoted their lives to us but they just want us to get along and they don't know how to handle a situation like this. None of the blame is on them.

OP posts:
Witchend · 22/04/2018 11:20

We can't really be helpful here.
We don't know what your dsis has done. Saying you've hard evidence doesn't really cut it, as I've had people show me things they think are hard evidence, and to my unbiased mind I can see, if anything, they're evidence the other way.
Even if you tell us, we've only got your side, whereas presumably your mum also has your dsis side, which probably shows you in as bad a light as you are painting her.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/04/2018 11:21

Unfair to your brother to drop out on the day. Work out a way of going and avoiding her or decline and celebrate with him separately.

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 11:24

''What did she do? Why have you cut contact with her children? Surely it's not their fault??''

already said i did not want to go into it,as for cutting out her kids no it is not their fault but when you have a huge fallout with your sibling, their kids come as part of the package unfortunately and it would not be appropriate for me to still be nice to them.

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 22/04/2018 11:27

It's hard to give advice with out all of the facts but I understand if you don't want to say what your sister did as it could be very outing.

As a mother myself I would be upset if my children were not talking and initially try to fix it. I don't think this makes your mom a bad person. I think you should have a conversation with your mom and tell her that you don't want to talk to your sister right now and that if she keeps interfering you will end up falling out with her too and you don't want that to happen. Say you will speak to your síster in your own time. Even if it's not true it will give her hope and hopefully make her back off if she thinks it will be sorted eventually.

The fued is between you and your sister but you seem intent on dragging the rest of the family into it and that makes you very unreasonable. Even if the whole family knows what the sister did they have every right to stay neutral as they love you both. Expecting them to take sides is childish and petty. As is missing your brothers wedding. He didn't do anything to you. I also don't get why your upset with her children either??

I haven't spoken to my brother in nearly 10yrs but I don't let that effect my relationship with the rest of my family including his daughters.

I know you feel hard done by but you need to remember this fight is between you and your sister. Keep it that way.

Viviennemary · 22/04/2018 11:28

You need to give some idea of what your sister did for anybody to make any sort of judgement as to whether or not you are being unreasonable. What you think is very bad somebody else may see it as not that bad at all.

Viviennemary · 22/04/2018 11:29

And I agree that you are the one who is making it into a family feud rather than a falling out between you and your sister.

Lacucuracha · 22/04/2018 11:31

OP, I think your parents and other relatives should take some blame actually.

When my DB was abusive to me and tried to spread lies, my mum came down on him so hard and the earth was scorched.

Because she knew I had nothing wrong. She would have done the same for any of her children.

Your parents are letting you take the fall for their own ineffectuality in calling their daughter to account. I'm afraid your parents are not blameless.

shanefolan29 · 22/04/2018 11:31

''My uncle fell out with my mom and her sisters and went NC with the whole family, and I can quite honestly say, 30 years later i'm still angry and upset that he cut me and my brother dead as we had nothing what-so-ever to do with his fall out with my mother and aunts.''

sounds very like my situation- does your uncle live close? does he have kids [your cousins] and do you have any contact with them? Sadly if you fall out with a sibling maintaining contact with their kids is not appropriate.

OP posts:

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HazelBite · 22/04/2018 11:31

I am in a similar situation , my younger sister and her DH behaved unforgivably (before and after my Fathers death).
She needs to apologise unreservedly before I will ever socialise / have anything much to do with her.
However we come from a large extended family and of course there were the inevitable weddings, funerals etc none of which I felt I should miss out on.
I am civil (but distant) when I come across my sister, make polite but general conversation if I have to but generally avoid I avoid her and her DH which is not difficult in a big social setting.
i also send Christmas cards each year and a voucher to each of her sons (who I have never met).
I feel I am being the grown up here and I put on a civil public face at these family events. It is not really difficult and over the years has got easier.
Also over the years her true character has emerged amd affected other family members (who initially criticised me for not "making up")
I now look the better person, and she is now not invited to any family get togethers.
for the sake of your parents and brother I would go to the wedding, ask to not be seated anywhere near her, politelt acknowledge her prescence but not engage if she tries to "explain/talk deeply" keep your cool and acknowledge her dc's as well.
You do not have to be friendly, you don't like her or her behaviour, she has behaved unforgivably towards you, but your icy politeness will (believe me) unnerve her and shows you to others to be the better person.

Smeddum · 22/04/2018 11:32

And I agree that you are the one who is making it into a family feud rather than a falling out between you and your sister

How so?

lovetheway · 22/04/2018 11:32

their kids come as part of the package unfortunately and it would not be appropriate for me to still be nice to them.

I'm sorry but that's just mean and petty. No matter how 'right' you think you are, this attitude will leave you very isolated.

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