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AIBU?

To be slightly miffed about what happened to a gift

18 replies

Tararaboomdieh · 22/04/2018 06:47

My in laws are from (and still live in another country) - low income place, different culture etc. Have always been financially supported by us - although BIL now has a very good business (but the business requires a lot of work from DH here for it to work).

My FIL has an smartphone but for some reason wanted a new one and asked for a specific big brand expensive one a couple of times. I’m not sure why - as he uses the old one - but I assume it doesn’t work in some way as he’s not very technical so I assume(d) it’s not just wanting the next thing.

I found him a refurbished one online from a reputable company - looked as good as new - and bought for £160. I set it up, installed all the apps etc and DH arranged for someone to take it over.

We asked a number of times if he was using it yet, but he hadn’t got new SIM yet, wanted to get a cover first etc and we stopped asking.

Anyway I asked yesterday if he was using yet and it turns out his other DIL (ie DH’s DB’s DW)’s smartphone broke and he gave her the new smartphone. She lives with them and in their culture is probably considered as close (maybe closer) than his actual daughters who live with their in laws - if that’s relevant.

So - AIBU to be a bit miffed that I went out of the way to get him something I thought he really wanted - and at not inconsiderable expense - for him to just give it away. My better side says I should be pleased that he’s generous enough to do this but I can’t help feeling it’s more for show over there - ‘look at me, my DIL got me this gift... and now look at me, I gave this gift to my other DIL’.

For what it’s worth, if DHs DB had asked him to get SIL a
phone and send it (they’re much more expensive there), we would have done so, and almost certainly not have taken the money for it in the end (although would have ordered on the basis that they would be paying for it).

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 22/04/2018 06:57

I understand that you're annoyed, but there's not a damn thing you can do about it. Let it go and think long and hard before being so generous again.

NotTakenUsername · 22/04/2018 07:02

I always struggle with these threads because I don’t think YABU at all, but I am basing that on a completely different set of cultural rules and values.

KeepCalm · 22/04/2018 07:03

I'd be put out too but chalk it up and wouldn't do it again lightly....

Lacucuracha · 22/04/2018 07:07

It's annoying because he wasn't upfront about it.

What's happening now that BIL has a business? Is he contributing equally to household expenses?

Caillou · 22/04/2018 07:11

I am in a similar situation, DH is from a different culture, country, all his family are there,

We don't mind bringing a few things here and there but we are both completely annoyed by the full shopping list of things that can definitely be bought over there but must be gifted from us to them as it looks better to say they are imported....

sentMai · 22/04/2018 07:13

I'd be annoyed in your shoes but have travelled and lived around the world and have learnt that it can be nearly impossible to judge others and their cultures by your values.

Your FiL may be doing it for recognition for conspicuous generosity. It may be that he simply thought someone else would gain more from the phone than he would.

On the whole, let it go but do consider it next time before giving an expensive gift.

Thank you for being "miffed" instead of 'beyond livid' or 'sick with anger' Smile

Tararaboomdieh · 22/04/2018 07:18

Yes - I guess I do need to stop giving it headspace. I feel a bit silly that I didn’t see it coming - although I did smell a rat and deep down it I probably did expect it would end up with one of my BILs! I just know I’ll struggle not to react when it’s inevitably brought up when I see them and he’ll do the ‘I’m an old man, why would I need such a phone’. Grrr!

I don’t want her to feel bad as SIL is 20 yrs younger than me and seems perfectly nice.

It annoys me too though when DH gives all his (many) DSISes a cash gift (say £30 each) when we go over, and those who live abroad just automatically gift it on to SIL. I guess it’s a culture thing but I feel like saying next time don’t give those ones anything!

OP posts:
MagnifyingGlassSearch · 22/04/2018 07:28

What country is this?

FinallyHere · 22/04/2018 07:38

My better side says I should be pleased that he’s generous enough to do this but I can’t help feeling it’s more for show over there - ‘look at me, my DIL got me this gift... and now look at me, I gave this gift to my other DIL’.

For what it’s worth, if DHs DB had asked him to get SIL


What is your point? Do you begrudge providing FIL with an opportunity to show generosity? Would you prefer that you and your 'better half' to have been given two opportunities to be the generous givers?

Nowadays, we are so used to knowing people from different cultures, that it can paradoxically be more difficult to understand the differences in culture. For example,

feel like saying next time don’t give those ones anything!

To understand that that would be like for them you would need to think of something that is so accepted in your culture that you do it almost automatically, certainly with out consciously thinking about it. Its impossible for someone outside your culture to choose something, but you will, if you think about it. Something that if you didn't, you would feel awful. Not just oh, i didn't hold open a door today and just let a door bang on a little old lady, more i did 'x' and now its preying on my mind that i am a bad person.

Think' whether to pick up your baby to comfort when they are crying territory '

I'm not suggesting that these culturally ingrained 'the way we do things around here' cannot be changed. It is not reasonable to think that they will change just because you, one single 'outsider' tells them to keep the money for themselves. There is some research that suggests that people need to see / read / hear a message seven times from an authoritative source before they will change.

Tararaboomdieh · 22/04/2018 07:41

Lacucuracah - we still ‘fund’ FIL and MIL, BIL covers his own expenses. I’m fine with that as I never ever want anyone to be able to say that we let the in laws go without (which they probably wouldn’t but others possibly would despite us having paid for everything for the last 20 yrs and DH for 10 years before that).

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 07:51

I really think you don’t know what goes on in other people’s heads. In your place, I’d be pissed off as well. But you appear to appreciate your fil didn’t do it to be malicious and although I would consider it devious, I’ve learnt some cultures would consider what he was done perfectly normal. Life is full of lessons, isn’t it?

Tararaboomdieh · 22/04/2018 07:52

FinallyHere - very interesting. It’s definitely not that I wanted to be the generous giver x2 - it’s more...

  1. the implied assumption that people from abroad can just give expensive presents

  2. that (from my cultural viewpoint) he didn’t appear to appreciate the gift and will somehow both downplay it and big it up at the same time (although I deep down know he did appreciate it)

  3. I feel I’ve been ‘played’ and should have seen it coming - even though I probably would have done the same thing had I seen it coming - I would just have felt better about it.

    Ps - this all sounds like it’s eating me up. It’s really isn’t - slightly miffed covers it. Just trying to keep my bitchy thoughts here rather than express in real life!!!
OP posts:
FinallyHere · 22/04/2018 08:02

Ah, yes, i get the feeling of having been ‘played’

Maybe the different culture is just a convenient hook to hang it on, lots of families have ways of working that see odd to outsiders. I think accepting that is how it is might help you let it go.

Antigonads · 22/04/2018 08:03

When you learn to keep your bitchy thoughts to yourself rather than blurt them out after a few wines do please let me know how you do it.

TroysMammy · 22/04/2018 08:26

Antigonads and when you have something nice to say you can let us know too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/04/2018 10:35

@TroysMammy
I think you misunderstood the post. Antigonads is saying she has difficulty when she drinks a few glasses of wine.

Flockoftreegulls · 22/04/2018 10:44

I think this is cultural. I have a close friend who is from a Middle East country.
She lives in the UK and when she goes home to visit she gets an extensive list of presents to bring back which she nearly bankrupts herself to pay for. It's the done thing and you can't leave people out, they get very upset.
I can see why it annoys you but I don't think it's worth getting upset over. Maybe you could ask your DH to explain the mindset a bit more. It might make you feel a bit better.
They probably have a perception that everyone in the UK is rich - certainly you are rich compared to most people in their country and they most likely show off to the neighbours and extended family.

UrsulaPandress · 22/04/2018 11:54

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