Up-rooting my family - AIBU?(60 Posts)
DH and I have lived up north for 10 years now. We have good work, primary school and nursery on our doorstep... life is easy. DD is in year 1 and DS starts school this September.
Life should be great but it isn't - because I'm homesick for life down south and have been for 10 years.
I've talked to DH about it over the years but it got so bad at Christmas I said I couldn't see me living up north for much longer and he agreed to start looking for jobs down south because he wants me to be happy. He's amazing and I love him so much. He would be leaving behind his family and friends up here.
So I'm putting us through applying for two new jobs, buying a new house and trying to get both of our children into the same school down south. Not to mention breaking it to MIL that we're moving 200 miles away. We'll be living close to my family and friends down south so kids lose one Grandma and gain another.
Your opinions won't change my course of action but I suppose if you were to say "yes you're being selfish but I understand why" I would feel better about putting my family through this.
I suppose the real question is why are you homesick, will the past 10 years have changed it beyond your expectations and what will you do if your DH becomes as unhappy as you are now?
Some folk get home sick and somen don't. If your dh grasps your suffering +it's solution then what a man!!
The only thing is he would lose a dm and gain a mil!! Does that worry him?? . Imo dc need a happy dm more than gps!!
Be prepared for mil making long stays with you during holidays - more mn threads there likely!
It’s been ten years for him so it’s your “turn”.
Kids are young enough...I assume you won’t go if it means you’re worse off financially or otherwise.
So, it’s no big deal, right?!
So what you want is some relief from the guilt? Which bit do you feel guilty about? Your children are young, so that's not a factor really, it's more your OH? Is your happiness going to cause him to be miserable or will he adapt because he doesn't care as much where he lives as you do?
Personally, what would affect me most is the change of jobs, unless you are miserable currently. Adapting to a new role, new team, new boss is not easy, but again, it depends on what you do.
YBU you've asked so I'll tell you I think you're being very selfish.
And what happens if you aren't happier down south?
What are you homesick FOR? is it family? friends? is it a particular town? what will you find in the south that you're not finding in the north?
I'm wondering if there is really something else at the root of this...
What are you home sick for exactly?
We have often discussed moving, leaving the country even. It’s a nice fantasy that we revisit every once in a while when life gets a bit beige. The honest answer is no we don’t want to put our kids through that. They’re not even that old but I want them to feel secure and rooted and I wouldn’t forgive myself if they resented us for tearing them away. On the flip side they may have a dramatically better quality of life where you go and may be so glad you did it! I’m a firm believer in doing what’s best for you and yours. If this is what you feel is best then you should do it hope that helps
Be prepared for your house in the south to be a box!
How is it selfish to move?
I’m missing something, clearly...
I'm homesick because I think I have a fragile sense of identity, not sure who I am. It's not lack of friends as I've made a couple of good friends since I've moved here. It's the familiarity of life down south that I miss, even the accent. I feel my accent changing and it's making my identity even more wobbly. I can't imagine retiring up here and if that's the case I don't want to stay much longer.
I don't think DH would be as unhappy as me, he's much more easy-going and accepting of situations than me. We would visit his family regularly during the school holidays.
Thank you April, my DH is amazing. Yes he's not that keen on my mum but then he's not that keen on his either. We're rock solid together, thank goodness.
We can just about afford to move south - that's another reason I want to go now (other than while kids are young) as in a few more years we might not be able to afford a house there.
Exactly Swing, I feel guilty. Kids will adapt and I will be fine in whatever job I do. Most important thing is DH is okay with job and life down south.
I know I'm being selfish Purple and DH has said the same - what if life isn't better down south. I can't answer that but in my heart I know I'll be more settled down south.
I see where you are coming from OP but if you are building this Utopian fantasy, reflecting on your life 10 years ago, all your friends will have moved on, you're not going to walk back in and pick it up where you left off.
Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.
Well the kids are little and if your OH doesn't mind much, then why not do it. The issue would be if he can't get a job that would mean your lifestyle remains the similar. Maybe the worry is the 'what if'?
These jobs you've applied for, are they to the same level of what you are doing now? What would happen if one gets a job right away but the other doesn't?
I think what you need to make sure is that you are not rushing it because you are desperate to get out.
.. a fragile sense of identity isn't going to be miraculously 'cured' by a move down south. My home is/was wherever my loved ones are/were. If you're not happy in your own skin now, with a loving, supportive husband, 2 children, good work etc, you won't be when you move either.
And what accent are you talking about exactly? RP? The south is increasingly multi-cultural too you know - we have people from all corners of the world with lots of different accents.
I think maybe you have some anxiety and confidence issues. I also think you're deluded in thinking your 'identity' problems are going to be magically solved with a move.
I think you are putting too much time into believing that Down South is the answer.
Friends move on
Life is different with kids
The south is going to be a lot of commuting, traffic, queues and waiting lists for everything worthwhile ...
And expensive ....
And very expensive ...
Don’t base life on when you have a break -
I hadn't actually thought about my south friends moving on and not being around like before - it's a good point. My best friend will be living a short bus journey away which is important to me and she's the only one who knows how I feel other than my family. Definitely can't tell MIL, I think she'll be so upset.
Need to wait for DH to get a job first as his work is more specialised. As soon as he has a job lined up we sell/buy house and I start applying for jobs. Don't think it'll happen before the summer holidays so I'll need to stay up here with kids until September anyway.
Thanks Twitter, it's very true. A counsellor told me home is in your heart. I'm not built like that but I really wish I was. I wish my family was enough up here to ground me. Your words are making me think very deeply.
My accent is rural Oxfordshire - not RP, I think it sounds country bumpkin. I'm trying to keep my feet on the ground and telling myself with my identity issues I will probably feel rubbish if/when we move as I'll have to get used to a different place again. But I'm hoping with all the familiar landmarks around me and showing my family everything I know down there that will help.
Yes it's going to be expensive and that's why I want to go now while we can afford it.
I should have put a few smiley faces in OP as I suspect I'm coming across a bit harsh , which isn't intentional I'm just aiming for honesty! Thanks for taking my comments so positively.
Do you think you might have 'lost' yourself in being a wife, mother and good employer rather than being in the north? And that living in the north coincides with wifehood / motherhood etc and the disappearance of RabbitHole? Awful cliches but would you feel better if you found yourself a new role? eg school govenor, chair of PTA, local neighbourhood watch coordinator..? Is there something that you would like to do for you alone?
People always say that kids will 'adapt'. But isn't that because they really don't get a choice?
They may adapt, but how do you know they'll be happy?
Thanks Twitter, I don't feel I lost myself becoming a mum like I've heard other mums say. I think it's been good for my identity. I can't believe I've had them and I'm proud of both them and me. I'm wary of taking on things outside of homelife as I want time to do homework and after school clubs with them.
I feel awful about taking my kids away from their friends - especially my DD. She's at school with kids she went to nursery with. I think they adapt a lot better than adults to new situations though. It worries me whether they'll be happy with a new school.
I'm the complete opposite of you in that I'm a northerner that's been down south for 16 years and I'm quite homesick. I think there was more of a sense of community as everyone knows each other and life is simpler. However - I know I'm probably not being rational at all and the occasional homesick pangs can be dispelled as I know it wouldn't be the same as it was when I was at school. I think you should probably stick where you are to be perfectly honest.
Other reason I want to move back south is my mum is getting older and I want to be nearby.
Stupid thing is when DH and I got together I suggested we live up here as I thought it would be easier on him. It's come back to bite me!
Applejack - it's very different up here. Down south people come across as more polite to me. Up here people are very honest and don't spare your feelings - I don't think I'll ever get used to this but I think it's probably done my kids good giving them a tougher outer shell than they might have started out with down south which I'm grateful for. My mum lives in a southern village where people say hello and it has a good community feel.
This was dh 10 years away from home then we moved back to his home town. He got a shock tbh. His group of friends had made new friends and just weren't the same anymore - only could fit him in now and then. Work wasn't as good and he just didn't fit with being away for so long and it was a long adjustment. He fell out with his mum because he thought everything would go smoothly like when we used to visit for holidays but again his parents had their own lives. It was a massive adjustment for him and for first 2/3 years he thought he had made a mistake BUT we were stuck as we had brought a house. Things are better now but he still regrets it
As someone who moved to live where DH grew up I completely understand.
I just don't feel at home here. 8 years and counting
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