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my husband is being a dick(139 Posts)
I've posted about my husband before. We're not really very compatible and have had a rocky 10 years of marriage, bit love things about each other as well and wanted to make it work. So we had lots of ups and downs.
I feel like I'm nearing the end of my tether now and as close as I've ever been to asking him to leave - the trouble is, i cant understand how he thinks he's eight and he can't understand how i think I'm right. Meaningful discussion is very difficult because we're both utterly frustrated and pissed off with the other so not really listening. Some perspective would be useful as he definitely thinks IABU.
The issue is he thinks I am controlling and I think he is disrespectful. This manifests in lots of ways but one example is the row that blew up yesterday. He had planned to go out with a friend straight from work, said he'd only be half an hour then home. Yesterday morning i asked when he planned to be home and he said he'd prob stay about an hour then come home. I clarified so will you be home for tea? And he said yes.
After work he popped home first to change car for bike, me and dd were in the garden, it was literally 5 mins, he gave us both a kiss and i asked again when to expect him... He said an hour, but as he was cycling it'd be a bit longer so again I clarified 'about half 7 then? We'll have dinner for then' and he agreed.
When there was no sign of him at 7.45 i rang and asked if he was on his,way, he said no but he'd leave in 10 mins, is that alright? I said we're hungry and he said start without me, i said can't you cone now and he said no so i said fine, see you soon. I wasn't happy but i wasn't going to make a massively big deal it of it.
He came home at 8.30, so we'd finished tea, i was playing with dd before bed. He came in and put her to bed, i put the TV on, was on my phone. I was pissed off with him so didn't say much but didn't blank him, just didn't feel like a conversation. So he watched TV, we each made a few comments, etc. Late in the eve he asked if i was ok, i said yeah, I'm alright, he asked a couple more times so i said yeah, I'm a bit mis but I'm alright. He said is it because i spent Friday evening out with mate and I said it's not because you went out no, it's because you changed three times the time you were coming home and then didn't even,stick to the last agreed, it's,a very long time for me with dd by myself from 6.30am.
He followed,me outside for a smoke and was obviously fuming and in a nutshell saying that he went out, plans changed, so fucking what? He would never care if i did that', he would be happy for me, and what could have been a nice evening for us is ruined by me 'aggressing' him. I dont think i was aggressive at all, i was clearly pissed off with him and not in a mood for talking which i know seems passive aggressive but i didn't want to talk because he'd been drinking and i knew it would turn to a row. Which it instantly did. He created a row instead of just letting me leave it to simmer down and get my shit together. I said i feel disrespected because he's saying his time and convenience is more important than mine, if i dont like it - 'so the fuck what?'
I went to bed, took the car keys with me as he has a history of drink driving, he asked if i had them and i said yes, he said why, i said to stop you driving, he was enraged but said he wanted something from the car. I said id get it, he insisted, i said he could have them if he brought them back after he'd got it, he eventually agreed to this and did so after another long rant about how I'm belittling him, im controlling, i have no right to put him n that position.
I found a text this morning sent at 1am reiterating all that about me being controlling, belittling, ruining the eve. I'm sick to death of this shit.
I guess it depends on whether he is always out.
I get where he is coming from. He went out and had nice time, plans change and you forget the time so I don't really see the issue.
I wouldn't be happy if my dh was pissed off and sulking when I got home because I had been chatting with a mate.
You don't need to wait for him to eat. Just sort yourself out.
To avoid drip feed, i know i wouldn't have been as,pissed off about him being late were it not that he's also out tonight so its two evenings on the trot not seeing me and dd, and the fact that yesterday morning he had forgotten i wanted the car so he had to cycle for work, came down at half 8 and then insisted he needed the car or he'd be late. I let him have it, but with the rest on top i feel its a pattern of him thinking he can do whatever he wants and any impact on me doesn't matter.
Sorry for all the typos/punctuation fails
Just end it. He doesn't want to spend time at home, loses his temper easily and you are very passive aggressive.
It's no way to live.
This seems like a mess created by both of you and the relationship is likely beyond help because it sounds like you're both more concerned about who is right or wrong and keeping a tally, then anything else.
It sounds fairly toxic.
A relationship isn’t always rainbows and butterflies, especially after ten years and a child together. But it shouldn’t be at the point where you feel constantly frustrated with each other and can’t see each other’s points of views.
I would be inclined to think YANBU and i’d probably react the same way you did in the situation. It shows a lack of respect to not come home for dinner when the time has been mutually agreed. That would really piss me off. Could he not have phoned a bit before half 7 and told you he was sorry but he was staying out a bit longer. Sounds like he wasn’t even going to get in touch with you about it until you contacted him.
Does he do things like this a lot? It sounds like the only way it can work is to tell each other exactly what you want from the other, and to then meet in the middle and compromise as you’re clearly not going to both agree on whatever’s decided. Do you get a fair amount of time to socialise with friends too? Or does he just expect you to always look after DD?
You do sound very controlling.
He said he was going out so why didn't you just cook for yourself and DD and leave his meal in the oven? So what if he is out two nights running - it's not against the law. Why don't you have a girls night in with your DD? Watch a film and get a take away. He doesn't have to spend every night with you.
Imagine if; he had gone out, come home to a well fed family who had left his dinner for him exactly as he wanted it, big hug and kiss from you and your kid, delighted to see him, big beaming smiles.
One last lovely beer straight from the fridge darling? Let's share it then we can go to bed and I'll do all the things you like.
Would that have worked for him?
WTF did he expect, you reap what you sow, if you're dismissive of someone else's time and effort you can't expect them to be delighted when you treat the homestead like a hotel!
From your first post I was going to say you're being a bit controlling. Keep asking what time he's home and being pinned down to dinner would piss me off.
If he always does his own thing and expects you to fit in around him especially the car thing then I can see why his sense of entitlement irritates
the thing that jumped out at me is "he has a history of drink driving"
that would be a deal breaker for me.
I agree, changing the time 3 times is not on. It's the most basic adult behaviour to say "we will meet at this time" and stick to it.
You're controlling - that level of accounting for time would piss me right off. Cook his tea and put it in the microwave, he can warm it up when he comes in. Or don't cook his tea, whatever. But the drama, Christ, no wonder he goes out.
The smell of burning martyr is deeply unpleasant.
I get where you're coming from actually. I get very pissy if I've made the effort to cook and its not appreciated or respected,
I think the solution is simply to have a more 'see you when I see you, and you can sort your own dinner out'. More relaxing for everyone.
The car key issue is a big deal though. You need to sit down and have a sober, non hung over, talk.
First off YADNBU about the drink driving. He cannot expect you to not react to that as you did.
Apart from that, as others have said, it does rather depend on how often he does this sort of thing. I feel like if actually he's not out often, he originally said he'd only be half an hour to avoid you having a go at him. Half an hour is nothing! Also with dinner, if my DP is going out (probably once every 2 months) I wouldn't think to ask about dinner, I'd assume he'd sort himself out and I'd sort me and the children. Same the other way round!
Saying that, if he's always out and avoids parenting and spending time with you, I totally get your issues with it all. So difficult to tell without more info!
Let him go, look after yourself and little one.
Yabu. Plans change. Why be so needy?
You do sound controlling. He came home at 8.30 so hardly like he was out drinking all night. I would have eaten my dinner and left his. No big deal.
You just don’t sound like you are at all compatible.
If my DH is going out, he asks if I mind - I generally don’t (I have 2 young kids BTW so I understand the feeling like your day will never end). He says ‘I won’t be late’ and I say ‘no rush, just have fun’. I don’t see the point in micromanaging his time, I just sort myself out and then when he gets back we’re both chilled out.
Why do you need him back for dinner? Why does it matter?
Equally, he shouldn’t change the goalposts and being assured he’d be home ‘in an hour’ for it to be much longer would piss me off too.
Seriously, it just sounds like hard work and neither of you sound very flexible.
Also, the drink driving would be a deal breaker for me. I probably wouldn’t take the keys, I’d call the police if he drove off. It’s a fucking disgusting thing to be doing.
I get where you're coming from. I don't mind if plans change, but the least I expect is a courtesy notice, especially if they know that I'm actually cooking food for them.
I can imagine if this kind of stuff builds up it makes it a big deal. It's the disrespect for your time and effort.
Basically he does what he wants and if you want a bit of courtesy from him and a bit of respect for your time you're "aggressing".
He does this a lot?
If so , I'd take all control out of it completely
I'd say 'have a lovely time. As we can't be sure what time you'll be back, bring a take away for you or cook your own meal when you get back'
I'd also start organising a sitter, so if he's out 2 nights on the trot, you can also go out and catch up with a friend for a couple of hours.
Again - organise food for DD and you (and sitter?) but he organises his own food as times can shift.
I think working with someone's foibles not against them, to avoid you bringing out the worst in you , is the perfect way to handle it.
I don’t mind if plans change, but I do then expect dH to call and discuss it, if he has given me a specific time to start with. I would also do the same , I wouldn’t leave him at home, getting food ready, waiting for me, without calling to chat about it and ask if he minded, if I wanted to stay out longer. I agree with you op that it is disrespectful to do that to the other person. How old is he ? Because it doesn’t sound very mature.
I think you are over reacting about him coming home late and can see why he finds that controlling. If he is talking to friends/having a drink it's annoying to have to extract yourself at a specific time - maybe if h had come home at midnight I'd have thought you'd have a point but unless he does this all the time then I wouldn't even mind that occasionally, everyone needs to have fun once in a while.
If he has a habit of drink driving though I'd be thinking of leaving him for that alone. Awful, selfish behaviour.
I also wonder if the defensiveness from him is due to a drink problem ?
I think you were in the wrong.
The guy just wants to go the pub without putting a time constraint in place.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to keep a child waiting until 7.30 for food either!
Repeatedly asking the time he was coming home over the course of a few days is just too much. He’s not a child. He’s an adult and should be treat like one.
You mention about being alone with your child and I think that is what is at the crux of the issue.
Being a parent is hard moreso when there are two parents and one is not pulling their weight. The resentment sets in and bang! Before you know it you are arguing over ridiculous things that are actually just nothing to do with the real issues.
I’m a bit with DH on this BUT drink driving sounds concerning
It sounds like you were controlling, both of you were OTT, it also sounds like this is the straw that broke the camels back and resentment has been building for years.
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