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Boyfriend says I'm controlling

(154 Posts)
DrivingMissNuts Sat 21-Apr-18 10:21:49

NC for this but frequent poster.

My Bf of 8 months is accusing me of being controlling yet gets me to choose everything and make all the decisions. I don't get it. I would love for him to decide where we go on nights out or days out or what we have for dinner sometimes (I'd like him to cook for once too!) etc but he refuses to choose and says I have to. He point blank refuses despite me saying I'd like him to make some decisions. Then makes sarky comments about me being controlling. I'm not sure if he's worried he'll choose "wrong" and thinks I'll be annoyed but I've done everything I can to encourage him to take charge of things sometimes and am happy to do pretty much anything as happy being out with him wherever and he knows this. Is it so wrong of me to want him to make some decisions and is it wrong of me to be upset at being called controlling. He doesn't see my problem.

malificent7 Sat 21-Apr-18 10:38:49

He sounds like hard work...is he worth it op?

Somerville Sat 21-Apr-18 10:42:08

The point of dating is to see if the two of you are compatible. You two really don't sound like you are. Ditch him and move on or this will just get worse.

trojanpony Sat 21-Apr-18 10:42:46

confused this isn’t normal...
does he say it lovingly/jokingly or as an actual compliant in front of others. Either way it doesn’t matter you have said you don’t like it and he’s ignored you...

what happens if you say “ tell you what l, you pick a restaurant I don’t care....” then just say “I don’t know...I can’t pick. what do you want to do?”

bastardkitty Sat 21-Apr-18 10:47:14

Refusing to choose then criticizing the choice or saying you are controlling is passive-aggressive bollocks. Walk away. It's only 8 months.

DrivingMissNuts Sat 21-Apr-18 10:48:58

Trojan he's picked once for Valentine's Day. I'm on a special diet due to bowel problems and he knows I can't eat certain things and has been involved very much in this process. He chose a restaurant that bases most of their dishes on those things. I was pretty annoyed as he KNEW. So then we went somewhere else and he moaned that he had messed it up. In my eyes he deliberately chose something unsuitable to make me look ungrateful.

Allmyshilldren Sat 21-Apr-18 10:49:48

Sounds a bit like gaslighting to me. I’d ditch him asap.

honeylulu Sat 21-Apr-18 10:49:56

says I have to.

... and he says you're controlling?!?

I suspect one of two things.
1. He has terrible self esteem issues, doubts himself yet is unhappy about his failings and directs his anger onto you.
2. He's already gaslighting you. He is bone idle (never cooks?) but makes you feel its all your fault.

If it's 1 he needs to address his issues and if he won't, dump him.
If it's 2, just dump him NOW.

bastardkitty Sat 21-Apr-18 10:50:16

^ more passive-aggression!

pandarific Sat 21-Apr-18 10:52:28

In my eyes he deliberately chose something unsuitable to make me look ungrateful.

Jesus Christ op - game playing, manipulation, being a miserable sod. Dump and RUN RUN RUN.

Go find someone nice who you can have a laugh with and who seems to like being with you, life’s way way too short. flowers

AnnieAnoniMouser Sat 21-Apr-18 10:57:36

FMD. Walk away. Now.

Chewbecca Sat 21-Apr-18 10:58:24

Agree with Somerville, you're finding out that you 2 are not compatible. Start looking again i'd say!

DrivingMissNuts Sat 21-Apr-18 11:03:39

Annie what's FMD?

tishhope Sat 21-Apr-18 11:04:37

Get rid. He won't change, and do you really want all this for years to come?

DrivingMissNuts Sat 21-Apr-18 11:04:59

He also bought me chocolates he knows I can't eat.

Juells Sat 21-Apr-18 11:07:38

Sounds like the not choosing is all quite deliberate. I had a bf for about three years who wouldn't organise anything, just went along with whatever I planned.... but he never accused me of being controlling, he was very laid back. If he'd told me I was controlling I'd have stopped organising things immediately and dumped it all back into his lap.

As others have said, you're being maneouvred into a no-win position. Organise things and you're controlling, don't organise things and he arranges shite. No matter what happens, he keeps you wrong-footed.

LifeBeginsAtGin Sat 21-Apr-18 11:07:38

Does he mean you are controlling in deciding when and where to go out socially, or does he mean in general, like always wanting to see he mobile, wanting to know who he's seeing and constantly texting him when he's out?

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer Sat 21-Apr-18 11:10:09

And YOU'RE controlling? Projection much?

I concur that he probably chose the restaurant badly on purpose. Maybe to make you look ungrateful, but also likely is that Man Thing That They Do (do something badly, in the hopes they'll never be asked to do it again).

Please tell me you don't live with him, OP!

Anyway, run like the wind. He's given you a great opening line: "Darling, I'm sorry you feel* I'm controlling, and I'll make it all better. You're free to find somebody else who isn't. Here's the things you left at my place. Buh-bye."

* yes, it's the passive-aggressive non-apology. After 8 months of his shit, the very least you're entitled to is one back.

DrivingMissNuts Sat 21-Apr-18 11:15:27

Lifebegins his mobile is an open book if I wanted to look at it which I don't and never have. He's got one of those shake type passcodes and his kids use it and he's told me it. I've no reason to look at his phone. He never really goes out so no questions to ask and don't text him all the time but he's said I can message whenever.

Vangoghsear Sat 21-Apr-18 11:18:37

To be honest your diet/food issues do make you sound like hard work. Unless you have a medically diagnosed condition I'm struggling to believe there was nothing at all on the menu you could eat in the Valentine's restaurant. It sounds like he is reluctant to take responsibility for fear of being criticised - which he was on that occasion. You don't sound compatible. Either accept him as he is or leave, or you could both end up very unhappy.

bastardkitty Sat 21-Apr-18 11:21:23

^obligatory knobhead comment

bestBuddyBestPal Sat 21-Apr-18 11:23:43

This thread's an amazing example of MN's double standards.

A girlfriend can't be controlling, he must be a dickhead.

TheJoyOfSox Sat 21-Apr-18 11:24:34

He sounds an absolute arsehole. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but he does.

He moans that you’re controlling but he is too lazy to make a choice or cook for you. That comes across as he wants to play the victim.
He books a restaurant for Valentine’s Day where you are unable to eat anything, that’s just thoughtless and selfish.

I don’t think you sound compatible at all. But only you know if his good points outweigh his bad points.

Would you be able to talk to him and tell him how you feel? If you can’t then he’s not right for you, if you can and he doesn’t change, it’s up to you to decide if you want him or not, but in all honesty, he sounds hard work!

DrivingMissNuts Sat 21-Apr-18 11:25:07

Vang yes it's medically disagnosed and not hard work at all, it just needs a chat with the restaurant beforehand to ensure it's ok. I've not had any issues. It just requires some effort.

Viviennemary Sat 21-Apr-18 11:26:05

The only time he chose he made the wrong choice according to you. So no wonder he says you choose. The only way round this is for you to research restaurants and provide him with a list from which he must choose to suit your dietary requirements. YAN so much U as a bit of a pain in the neck and looking to criticise. He sounds remarkably tolerant. IMHO,.

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