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To think catching up on much needed sleep isn’t about having a leisurely lie-in...

(215 Posts)
QueenofmyPrinces Sat 21-Apr-18 07:20:34

Me and my husband have two children, a 4 year old and an 8 month old.

My husband sleeps in the spare room and has done for as long as I can remember because the baby wakes up on average about 3-4 times a night and we bed share as it’s the only way I can get any form of decent sleep.

My husband gets a good 8.5 hours of uninterrupted sleep every night.

If the 4 year old wakes up for any reason in the middle of the night, which maybe happens twice a week on average, it’s me he comes and wakes up. We have told him that if he needs anything in the night then he is to go into daddy’s room because daddy will help him, but it’s still me he comes in to and wakes.

I would say that on average I get 5 hours of broken sleep a night which when compared to my husband’s uninterrupted 8.5 hours is pretty rubbish but I accept that it’s just the way it is.

When the weekend comes my husband will get up with the children on both Saturday and Sunday mornings at about 6.30am so I can go back to bed for 2 hours so I can try and get some more sleep.

Yesterday evening I had some friends over and someone who I classed as a good friend started making snide comments about how no doubt I was going to be having the “lie-ins” again this weekend whilst my husband looked after the children and then started laughing at me in a way that inferred she wanted to embarrass me or imply I was lazy. I told her that every night I’m up countless times with the baby whilst my husband sleeps in the spare room and that as I get significantly less sleep and time away from the children in the week than my husband does he is happy for me to have two hours back in bed on the weekend mornings for both of those reasons.

She then rolled her eyes and said “Whatever you say Queen” and gave a smirk at one of our other friends.

She made me feel really crap about myself and the rest of the evening was pretty awkward. I spoke to my husband about it after they’d gone and he told me to just let it wash over me as their opinions on what suits us as a family are really not worth getting upset about.

AIBU to feel so disheartened though. I’m supposed to be seeing her again tomorrow as we’re taking our children to the park and I’m dreading it because now I feel like underneath our friendship she actually thinks quite little of me sad

Starfish28 Sat 21-Apr-18 07:25:42

You do not need to justify how your family works. She is obviously jealous. I would cancel the park and distance myself. You do not need that level of negativity in your life.

MoMandaS Sat 21-Apr-18 07:27:18

She either doesn't understand because her children have always slept through, or she's jealous because her partner doesn't do the same - which is the bare minimum in my view, frankly, fine if it works for you but hardly unbalanced in your favour - for her (if she has a partner).

QueenofLouisiana Sat 21-Apr-18 07:27:36

She’s either an idiot or jealous. You have a system which works for your family, so that’s all good.

I’d assume that she doesn’t get the same offer of a catch up sleep and wants you to feel guilty about yours. Ignore her. Life is too short to be a martyr.

NapQueen Sat 21-Apr-18 07:28:14

She sounds incredibly nasty.

Does she have kids? Is she jealous that your dh does this on Sats and Suns and hers didnt/doesnt?

Sierra259 Sat 21-Apr-18 07:30:57

She sounds horrible, and I agree probably jealous. I would be gradually distancing myself from her.

MoMandaS Sat 21-Apr-18 07:31:28

If she's a good friend you could ask her why she was sneering about you when you're struggling with sleep deprivation (which does make you very sensitive so be prepared to get upset if you don't like her answer). Or just cancel until you feel able to see her.

Mannix Sat 21-Apr-18 07:32:22

I agree that your friend is maybe jealous if she got less support from her own DH. Or maybe her DC were good sleepers and she doesn't really understand how rubbish your nights are.

Personally I would want to say something to her about how her comments have upset me. Your DH's approach is probably more sensible though!

TheDisreputableDog Sat 21-Apr-18 07:32:40

She sounds unpleasant, I should tell her you've got a nap planned today and so can't meet her.

Loopy9 Sat 21-Apr-18 07:33:41

She sounds horrid, friends support you through the ups and downs. I would hope this was a mistake on her part and I would go to the park today. If it was mentioned today then I probably would say to her that you’d rather she support you and that her comments were hurtful. Sometimes sleep deprivation can make us over sensitive so maybe give her the benefit of the doubt once! Good luck

BessMarvin Sat 21-Apr-18 07:36:18

We have the same setup (with one child) and if someone said that to me I'd be seriously annoyed.

NoSquirrels Sat 21-Apr-18 07:36:24

I spoke to my husband about it after they’d gone and he told me to just let it wash over me as their opinions on what suits us as a family are really not worth getting upset about.

He’s right. Your thread title is misleading - you don’t need to justify yourself, to us or to her. It’s not about the “lie-ins”, it’s about having an unsupportive snarky “friend”.

Ignore. Ditch the park today. Next time you see her, if she makes any sort of snarky comment, pull her up on it and point out it’s bloody rude of her.

Start to think about when your DH can begin to help with the baby- from 9-10 months you might want to try some gentle night weaning, getting your DH to take the settling shifts in the night while you sleep alone for a change!

Homemenu1 Sat 21-Apr-18 07:36:36

So you get up at 8.30 it’s barely a lie in!
Maybe change the word to ‘sleeping’ rather than lie in!
I think she sound quite nasty, she either has children who sleep so has no idea what broken sleep is like or she’s jealous.

I think you should explain that you don’t appricate being a queen, and talk about behind your back.

Ratbagratty Sat 21-Apr-18 07:36:52

My DH does this for me too (except he doesn't sleep anywhere else as no spare bed). 3 month ebf and a 2yr old sleep talker! If it works for you then go for it, i need as much sleep as possible as i cant function properly, always have done and he knew and accepted this before I got pregnant.

DragonsAndCakes Sat 21-Apr-18 07:37:34

You DH hasn’t explained it to her in a different way has he? If not, then she sounds like she has a real issue with something.

MessyBun247 Sat 21-Apr-18 07:40:01

I’d ask her what her problem is next time you see her. Does she have form for this time of thing?

NotFromAJedi Sat 21-Apr-18 07:41:29

What a bitch hmm I agree with starfish cancel and avoid. If she asks why tell her she was extremely rude and demeaning infront of other people and you didn’t appreciate it. This is what me and my DP do so I know exactly where you’re coming from! Don’t let one nasty persons opinion get you down flowers

lottiegarbanzo Sat 21-Apr-18 07:41:47

She sounds horrible. Mocking you about anything is not nice.

But she's probably used to a 'Mum as default parent' set up, with a useless husband, which she justifies to herself by portraying it as normal.

I find it odd that this made you feel bad about yourself, rather than feel that she's unpleasant.

BrutusMcDogface Sat 21-Apr-18 07:42:01

She's just jealous, but she doesn't sound very nice.

Achoopichu Sat 21-Apr-18 07:44:16

Could it have been a genuine wind up and you’ve taken it a bit too seriously? Tiredness does have an effect on the mind!

Maybe go to the park and ask her up front

Fishface77 Sat 21-Apr-18 07:49:11

I’d cancel and tell her why.

Chosenbyyou Sat 21-Apr-18 07:51:51

Wow she sounds mean! Maybe she has an issue with sleep or she is just generally not very nice!

For what it's worth we have a similar set up - DH works shifts as a doctor so I do all night wakings in our house. I am quite often the only one there anyway! It works for us and I compensate by going to bed early. It won't be forever (although it feels like it!).

Everyone has a different set up to make their family work - if you and DH are happy that is all that matters! smile

summerinthecountry Sat 21-Apr-18 07:54:57

Absolutely cancel and distance yourself permanently

QueenofmyPrinces Sat 21-Apr-18 07:57:56

Im just shocked because we’ve been friends for over 20 years and it’s the first time I feel like she’s said something purposefully spiteful to me.

Her two children are 3yrs and 13 months.

It was obvious I was upset by her comments and I was kind of expecting/hoping that one of our other friends who were there would have rang or text me to check I was ok but they didn’t - so now I’m wondering if they all think it and talk about it behind my back.

Mannix Sat 21-Apr-18 08:01:35

I'm sure that's not the case OP. Probably they just didn't realise how upset you were?

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