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to not want my MIL to join us on holiday

(461 Posts)
sunseasandfun Fri 20-Apr-18 22:57:07

i think I know I'm being a bit of a selfish bitch but here goes...
so we have a family holiday booked for myself my DH and our DC, it's our first holiday in almost 3 years, we are not well off and have saved for this week long holiday in the sun.
My in laws on the other hand, well off go abroad 2 or 3 times a year, not very old,
have lots of family around them.
So we told my MIL that we are going away and she has decided that she may want to come with us although she will be staying with a relative who lives in a small village near to our destination,so not joining us at the hotel, the problem is that she's already tried to get us to change our plans so that nearly everyday that we are away we will be joining her and the relative instead.
All myself and my DC want to do is go to he beach everyday and play and relax and go to waterparks etc..
My inlaws are very controlling people and I know she will be ringing everyday to ask us to come to where she is staying. She doesn't like to eat out, doesn't see the point in sitting on a beach, she hates when I wear clothes that show any skin (terrified of damage to skin from sun and also thinks I dress inappropriatly) so I'll have to cover up in the heat to make her shut up.
Am I being a bitch for wanting my DH to politely tell her not to come?
I just want it to be me and family doing what we want eating what we want and wearing what we want.
we've been on holiday with her before and I couldn't even decide what time to wake up! she had to tell us what was too late or too early!
I just don't want her there but how would I tell her this?

Fishface77 Fri 20-Apr-18 22:59:32

Just tell her you need time as a family and will not be seeing her, contacting her or answering her calls at all.
If she argues tell her she can go away anytime and doesn’t need to encroach on your family time.
Then every time she suggests something say no.
Eg I’ll pay for the tickets into Disneyland - no thanks.

travailtotravel Fri 20-Apr-18 23:00:04

No, no thrice no. Not selfish. She can make her plans you can make yours. Your DH deals with this one and does not cave in. No shared holiday.

Chickychoccyegg Fri 20-Apr-18 23:01:21

Ynbu!!!! Get your dh to tell her that you all just want a nice relaxing holiday and won't have time to go and visit her- be firm, don't change any of your plans or your clothes!!
It's your long awaited holiday, don't let her ruin it for you with her taking over and bossiness x

JoanOfNarc Fri 20-Apr-18 23:02:13

That's not selfish, it's reasonable and sensible. I would hate this. But it has to be your DH to deal with it..

Fruitcorner123 Fri 20-Apr-18 23:03:18

No no aaargh! Your DH should tell her that you planned this just for your family and you won't be able to spend time with her and the relative. Tell him of he won't do it you will.

I am a coward so would write a letter explaining why but if you tell your DH you are planning to do this hopefully he will step in.

CherryChasingDotMuncher Fri 20-Apr-18 23:04:14

I think the occasion calls for you 'accidentally' leaving your mobiles at home.

YADNBU

FlaminYon Fri 20-Apr-18 23:05:05

yanbu

Your DH needs to tell her that you're going on a much anticipated family holiday and you have all your activities planned. Maybe another time. That's even telling her too much but not giving some sort of reason would probably only create bad feeling if she's anything like my mother who, at least, sounds like a similar bosy boots.

DairyisClosed Fri 20-Apr-18 23:05:30

Just turn off your phones. Go where youike and wear what you like. Give her fair washing that you will be spending the entire holiday on the beach and leave it up to her whether she wants to join in or not.

RoseRuby26 Fri 20-Apr-18 23:05:55

YANBU

Aquamarine1029 Fri 20-Apr-18 23:16:18

You are totally not unreasonable. How rude of her to impose like this. Your husband is the one who needs to deal with her and lay down how things are going to be. Don't back down on this.

Appuskidu Fri 20-Apr-18 23:19:13

What does your husband say?

She sounds bizarre!

sockunicorn Fri 20-Apr-18 23:25:13

Its your first proper holiday in 3 years with your family. You will feel uncomfortable and grumpy, you will all end up doing what MIL wants and it will be a nightmare. I would just get DH to say "no, we need family time". Dont let her take over - its YOUR holiday with YOUR children and DH. She can always come round to yours for lunch, a cup of tea and a play in the garden in the summer holidays.

ChasedByBees Fri 20-Apr-18 23:32:59

Not at all selfish. I agree you need family time and to do what you want to do. It’s not a holiday if you’re trying to please someone else. Just tell her that you have things planned, you’ve not been away for three years and you will be doing the holiday your way and won’t have time to meet up.

BackforGood Fri 20-Apr-18 23:34:24

YANBU at all. Nor are you being selfish.
Ideally your dh, but if he won't, then you will have to say that whereas, of course she is welcome to go and stay wherever she likes, whenever she likes, this is going to be a holiday for just your 'house family' and you won't be spending time with her whilst you are away.

PersonAtHome Fri 20-Apr-18 23:35:42

I would even look into cost of cancelling this holiday and booking another one that isn't near one of her relatives.

She sounds insensitive - most people would get that you need a family holiday that doesn't include the MIL.

There is no way on earth I'd tolerate seeing my MIL for any number of minutes on my family holiday, even though she's lovely.

Rainbunny Fri 20-Apr-18 23:36:30

Seriously OP -your DH NEEDS to be firm with her about this! Where is he in all this?

llangennith Fri 20-Apr-18 23:37:09

Tell her that she’ll be bored with your kind of holiday which will be focussed on that your DC want to do.

GreenTulips Fri 20-Apr-18 23:37:36

Either that or let DH spend his time with her and you carry on as normal!

What has he said about it all?

Thebirthdayparty Fri 20-Apr-18 23:38:39

I sympathise, this could be my MIL.

Whatever you say, she will take personally and talk over you and probably refuse to accept it. I think, your DH, should step up and stand up to her and say no firmly.

Failing that, I like the suggestion of a PP of saying 'We will be at X, come and join us if you like/We will be eating at Y, come and join us if you like'. Under NO. circumstances, go with her plans. You will have to take control from the very start and let her know that you are in charge.

KeepServingTheDrinks Fri 20-Apr-18 23:40:42

Have you talked to your DH about this? Does he know how you feel? How does HE feel?

Is it too late to swap destinations?

BobbleHat102 Fri 20-Apr-18 23:41:51

What rain said... what does your DH think? What was his reaction to her behaviour on previous holidays?

Flutteringkites Fri 20-Apr-18 23:43:55

Nooooooo!

Explore this rabbit hole!

community.babycenter.com/post/a62791180/mil-ruining-vacay-541?cpg=1

Queenofwands Fri 20-Apr-18 23:50:01

It’s actually more selfish to take her in a funny way. Your kids deserve a holiday after 3 years and they deserve you to be feeling relaxed when you spend that precious time together as a family. They also deserve to feel the longer term benefits at home of mum and dad having recharged their batteries. Put your kids first and be strong in saying no. It’s different if in-laws pay for you all to go on a holiday you wouldn’t have had otherwise. It is not right when you have saved up your hard earned cash though.

HildaZelda Fri 20-Apr-18 23:51:57

Oh OP YANBU. Not at all. If my MIL declared that she was coming on holiday with us, I swear I'd stay at home.

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