Is my DD spoilt or am i expecting too much?

[mumsy2015]

I picked my DD(6) up from school and took her along with my DD(2) to an ice cream parlour as a treat. They have a decent play area and a few animals you can look at. After buying them a large ice cream we went to play and my DD(6) wanted to do the crazy golf. I said no as DD(2) would be lethal with a golf club, i had already spent money on ice cream and there was plenty of free stuff to do.

She kept on and on about the golf so i said if it was mentioned again we would go home. Of couse she did so i said it was time to leave. She started crying so i sat her down on a bench and explained that it was spoiling things, i wouldn't change my mind about the golf and that we would sit for two minutes and she could calm down and decide whether to play on the free equipment or go home.

Two minutes later she is still wailing and crying about the golf so we left. In the car she was screaming and kicking my seat and i lost my temper and really shouted at her that she had spoilt what was supposed to be a nice treat. I feel so awful that i shouted but something like this happens every time we go out and i say no to anything.

AIBU to expect that we should be able to go out and not have tears and tantrums? And how on earth can i handle it better? I am not enjoying spending time with her at the moment and feel like a terrible parent.

[Ummmmgogo]

you did well today. she shouldn't be behaving like that. next time you can say remember what happened last time and hopefully she will behave.

[Ummmmgogo]

don't feel awful please! kids need boundaries, you will have made her feel more secure in the long run.

[HappyInL0nd0n]

No advice (my little girl is only 2), but a big hug and sympathy. You sound lovely. I hate it when nice days out end up in tantrumming hell - it's so disappointing. You were trying to do something really nice with your daughters, and it didn't work out the way you planned.

I'll be listening to the advice from experienced pros with interest, but instinctively, it sounds like you handled it great. Fingers crossed the message sinks in eventually and days out improve.

x

[trilbydoll]

I think you did fine. You gave her 2 minutes to rescue the situation and she didn't.

My friend says to her dc you have a choice, you can enjoy xyz or you can wail at me which would you prefer to do?

Screaming at her in the car isn't ideal but I would have done the same I guess as long as you don't ever give in, in future you'll have past events to refer to 'do you remember when you wanted to play golf, what happened, did this behaviour work?'

[Avasarala]

Keep doing what you're doing. Every time.

Tell them when you're going out or get there, that "we won't be doing that, but we can have fun doing this. If there's any arguing or crying about it, then we will leave". Follow through every time and it will stop.

My oldest is 6. I had the exact behaviour from him. It's stopped now, after a few ruined trips that were cut short.

[Rachie1973]

God no, don't feel bad. I wish I'd had half your calm response when mine were young!

At 6 she's certainly old enough to understand reason.

I think you did great.

[hidinginthenightgarden]

I find that the more consistant you are, the shorter the tantrums become.
P.S, pretty sure I know which "ice cream farm" you mean and you should get a VIP pass so everything is super cheap!

[parentorguardian]

Wtf @Walkingdeadfangirl !?

OP- you did fine and she behaved like a normal 6 year old, especially one on a hot day.

I find the more I treat my DD the more she expects- the week post Xmas is always a bit fraught!

[PourMeAGlassOfMilk]

It's so frustrating when something you think will be a lovely treat turns out like this, but I'm sure it happens to all of us at one time or another. As a rule i don't take the kids to things like that after school as they were always on the edge of tiredness and we had more tears and tantrums.

I also find that setting very clear expectations of what we will be doing helps. We have a very similar sounding place close to us. Sometimes i say they can choose one treat each, whether that's a go on a paid thing like crazy golf/quad bike ride or an ice cream or sweet treat. Often they don't choose ice cream and because they've had control of the decision they are happier with it.

[AddictiveCereal]

I think a lot of 6 year olds can be like this with their parents. I know it would take my DS longer than 2 minutes to calm down as he gets into a state - maybe allow a bit more time next time to let her try to get contol of herself.

[Avasarala]

Just don't shout at them. It's hard, but just drive home - ignore her. Put her into her room and do not respond to her screaming at all.
Once she has stopped, point out what happened due to her behaviour and tell her the screaming will not get her what she wants.

Rinse, repeat.

[nevereverhaveieverfeltsolow]

Nice to hear someone parenting properly - well done you

[mumsy2015]

Thanks but i really don't feel like i handled it well. I really shouted. This seems to happen all the time and i just don't know what i'm doing wrong- or us this normal? She can be such a lovely girl but these tantrums seem to be getting more and more frequent. I know i must be doing something wrong- and i need to stop shouting as it only makes things worse and then i feel awful.

[DontOpenDeadInside]

I have 3 DDs and more often than not one of them plays up, but I feel bad on the others if we end up going home early. Like you I avoid taking them out as much if I can help it.
Last year we went to the Alnwick gardens (about 80 mins away) and dd2 was acting up and wanted to go home but the other 2 wanted to stay, but we couldn't stay as she was being so naughty. Any tips on how to handle multiple kids kindly appreciated.

[Ohyesiam]

By the sound of it you handled it well.
With mine I talk to them about the difference between saying how they feel( I’m really disappointed not to be allowed to do the golf)” and sucking the enjoyment out of the day by endlessly bellyaching about wanting to do the golf.
But they do need to learn that their behaviour affects the rest of the family, and that getting what they want is not a given.

[Walkingdeadfangirl]

If the tantrums are getting more frequent then why are you rewarding her with ice cream etc.

[puglife15]

Hmm. In a perfect world I would probably not have said stop talking about it or we're going home, that almost sounds like a dare to a child.

Also I wouldn't have blamed not doing it on the baby sister, that's pretty much guaranteed to get a good reaction.

I'd have said something like "hmm it would be fun to do crazy golf. Maybe we can come back another time to do it. What do you think would be more fun - hitting the ball or watching dd2 go crazy with a golf club?" And tried to keep it light and playful.

Then we'd all have still had a nice time.

Obviously I don't do this in reality most of the time, but I like fantasising about being a perfect parent

[Babdoc]

You were absolutely right to lay down boundaries, to warn of the consequence, and then follow through on it.
If you try to always project an air of calm authority, don’t get drawn into shouting matches, but be very consistent in your approach, you will soon reap the dividends in a much better behaved child.
It’s also important to show affection and give praise when they behave well - the carrot is mightier than the stick!
Good luck, OP. We’ve all been through similar, and most kids don’t grow up into monsters!

[sothisisspring]

Where about are you? Im in the SE and its too hot here. Personally my kids are exhausted on a Friday anyway so I wouldn't take them anywhere on a really hot Friday after school. As said above, what you did was fine, Im just not sure I would have gone in the first place as I would have expected issues. I would have just taken them home and had a quiet evening and done the treat another day.

[Avasarala]

It's not you. She's 6. She is testing the boundaries and seeing what she can get out of it. That's what kids do, especially at that age when they've been at school a year or two and are forming their own personality away from you and learning from their peers.

She's just testing you. And she will keep doing it. You need to stay consistent. If she does it, the activity ends. And you do not shout or react to her tantrum. Once she has calmed down, you talk to her.

Impliment a rewards system if you're really struggling; dessert she likes or something and if the day goes well, then she can have it after dinner. I don't think rewards are the best way, but they work.

[puglife15]

Also read How to talk so little kids will listen if you want some really solid parenting advice (which it sounds like you do). It really works!

[KurriKurri]

I don;t think there are any absolute rules about how to deal with these things - you do the best you can, and what you did was fine - you stuck to what you said, and she learnt you mean what you say.

But I wouldn;t get bothered about her being spoilt. She's only six, probably tired after school, and young children don't tend to weigh things up the same way adults do - so she wouldn't be thinking 'I've had an ice cream and a play' she'd be thinking 'GOOOOOOLF !!!!!'
That's totally normal for a little girl her age.

Maybe it would help if you outlined before you go somewhere what is going to happen - then she can adjust her expections. So you could tell her that although there is golf there, it isn't suitable today because DD2 is too little, so today will be free things only - then big up the free stuff and have a bit of a chat about them on the way so she is anticipating them 'won't the slides be fun, I bet you can whizz down it really fast, how high do you think you can go on the swings ? etc etc'

And also (and I realise this may not be easy) but it can be a little fristrating for children if they can't do older children things because of a younger sibling.
Maybe if you can get some time on your own with her, you can take her for a game of golf, she'll appreciate the special time and also when she sees what it entails she may understand why it isn't possible when you have the little one with you.

[Quartz2208]

It sounds like she was hot and overtired from a long week at school and therefore ill equipped to deal with the emotional fallout from being disappointed.

Learning that sometimes you are disappointed and how to manage that is important in life - allow her to feel that but give boundaries for what is and is not appropriate within that

You need to accept that its normal (over tiredness/hungry/being hot/age) and dont get angry with her or yourself - until you got angry you had handled it perfectly

The other suggestion is dont say no and include DD2 in it

[Dobbythesockelf]

You gave her clear boundaries and she didn't stop. I think you did fine. Of course it would have been better to not shout at her on the way home but last time I checked we are all human and therefore not perfect.
Tantrums are horrible and can make you feel like shit but honestly it is not your fault.