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To not want my 7 year old to move to another country with his dad

(166 Posts)
Digestivescusturds Fri 20-Apr-18 10:24:37

My ex husband has always been a bit adventurous...and a bit mental if you ask me. In August he plans to move to Spain, not permanently, just for a year. He told me and DC a few months ago. DS1 is very upset about the thought of not seeing his dad for a year and wants to go with him. There’s no way that’s happening but ex said a few weeks ago maybe he could. A few days he told me this could happen if DS really wanted to and I said yes. There’s plenty of schools in the area apparently. He’s a great dad, since we broke up last year he’s had them at weekends, comes to see them most days really. Of course he would be perfectly capable of looking after his son. But he’s only 7, I don’t like the thought of him being so far away from home, I don’t like the thought of being away from him for so long. Going to a school where they speak a different language, it would be harder for him to learn or make friends. I’ve told both of them there’s no way this is happening, I just want other people’s opinion on whether I’m doing the right thing

catsatonthemat Fri 20-Apr-18 10:27:41

Personally it would be a no for me but lots of time there in the school holidays. He is too young to grasp he would miss you, his friend's. I get it would be an awesome experience for him so that's a shame but he will still see him every half term etc.

Chickychoccyegg Fri 20-Apr-18 10:31:13

I would say no - he would miss you/his school/his friends too much.
He could go for all the school holidays?

Aprilmightbemynewname Fri 20-Apr-18 10:31:27

I wouldn't trust he would come back tbh.

Trinity66 Fri 20-Apr-18 10:35:24

No way

Xenia Fri 20-Apr-18 10:36:22

What about a compromise like he can go out there as soon sa school finishes in the summer until it starts back in September?

WhyOhWine Fri 20-Apr-18 10:37:25

Doesn't this mean he wont see you for a whole year, so it is not really changing anything other than which parent he wont see which i imagine is equally uppsetting. Also means he wont see his siblings this way round. Has he really thought about that?

I tihnk much better to focus on enabling them to spend as much time together as possible during holidays.

RatherBeRiding Fri 20-Apr-18 10:39:36

That would be a NO from me too - the disruption to his schooling wouldn't sit well with me. Yes he's only 7 but in effect he will be missing a whole year of UK schooling.

I'd compromise with lots of holiday time there.

LiteraryDevil Fri 20-Apr-18 10:42:15

No chance in hell. Not see my child for a year? Fuck that. I don't like them not being here EOW and half the holidays. And to be in another country. Absolutely not. I'd worry he might not being him back.

PineappleYum Fri 20-Apr-18 10:42:16

Would he be going to a local school or private international. I'm in Spain, there are loads of English schools here and people who are here onkly a year or two generally use those.

Whereabouts in Spain?

It would be really easy to make friends for a 7 yo, mine are the same age. Also their brains are like sponges at that age so they pick up new languages easily. Most of the DC's friends (7yos) have at least 2 languages, sometimes 3 or 4.

dany174 Fri 20-Apr-18 10:42:44

Emotionally I can understand that you don't want your child to move away for a year. And you have every right to feel that way.

I have always though it was a good learning experience for children to live abroad, especially at a young age. They pick up languages so incredibly quickly. And friends wise, he is more likely to make new friends at school there and when he comes home he still has his friends here. Whilst if he went there during school holidays he would have no friends there and his dad will most likely be working most days.

If was in your shoes I would at least consider it, under the condition that he would come home or I would go there every school break. But if I could actual do it ... I don't know. It's a lot to ask to let go of your 7 year old.

Joanna57 Fri 20-Apr-18 10:46:56

WHY wouldn't he see his dad for a whole year?

Spain is not that far away.

Ivorbig1 Fri 20-Apr-18 10:49:50

No no and no
If he is a good dad he won’t stay away for a year.
The parents deciding to move makes the earth move to keep contact.

Ivorbig1 Fri 20-Apr-18 10:50:22

Dany... do you have children ?

BlingLoving Fri 20-Apr-18 10:51:09

I am normally a fan of letting children have different experiences, but being away from his mum and his siblings for a year doesn't sound any better than being away from his dad. And it could create tension with his siblings if their treatment is different (do his siblings have the same father)?

Spain isn't that far away, surely your ex could come back for weekends or you and kids could go there? Plus, of course, school holidays and half terms could be spent in Spain. All of this would be much less disruptive for him emotionally and from a learning perspective.

RB68 Fri 20-Apr-18 10:51:26

FOr me at 7 its a great time to intro him to another language and system - it will be tough to start but frankly kids find a way to communicate with each other and it soon smooths out. In terms of education if he is a bright kid with no school issues I would just go for it. The exposure to another culture and language at this point could be really really good for him and at the end of the day if its not working he can come home.

Re missing a whole year of school - this can be adapted for and lessons can be done to catch up e.g. an online school or such like to ensure he keeps up with UK curriculum, but he would still have 3 yrs to catch up in back home. He will be with his Dad - home is where you lay your head - give him the opportunity of a lifetime

jellycat1 Fri 20-Apr-18 10:54:26

Jeez this has given me shivers. The exact same thing happened in my family when my parents split and my sister was 7. It was meant to be just for one or two school terms. She never came back to live with us and sadly for her, later had to live through another divorce with him and second wife. Don't do it.

Maremaremare Fri 20-Apr-18 10:58:03

Your ex is just going for a year, but what if he meets someone there and decides to settle permanently? Your son may never come back in that situation. I would allow him to go for school holidays only and I wonder whether that agreement should be in writing between you and your ex.

Maremaremare Fri 20-Apr-18 10:58:35

cross post (of general idea) with Jellycat!

Branleuse Fri 20-Apr-18 11:02:02

no, i would not allow this and a court wouldnt sanction it. I would take the child there as much as possible though, or encourage his dad to come back and see him and skype him etc, and reassure my son that he would still see his dad

I would also ask my ex WTF is he thinking

Ginger1982 Fri 20-Apr-18 11:02:38

No way. Let him go for holidays.

jellycat1 Fri 20-Apr-18 11:05:42

Agree. Take him there yourself for a holiday and take both (all?) your kids. Dont split them up. It's unlikely to be only a year - he'll just be getting settled then and yes, may very well meet someone. Ugh. The very thought makes me want to burn my kids' passports!

stateschool Fri 20-Apr-18 11:07:44

Absolutely NO bloody way would I let my 7 year old do this, 14/15 maybe if they insisted. If his dad wants to move away from his son for a year that's his look out. I'd also be worried about Mr Adventure refusing to bring him home. He could go on hols if you're sure the father won;t try to keep him. Sounds to me as if the 'good' dad here is trying to make you the bad guy. he's the one putting distance between them but you'll take the rap for 'preventing' them from being together. I also wouldn't want my DC separated, they'd miss each other like mad.

pinkdelight Fri 20-Apr-18 11:07:47

Absolutely not. If I was your ex and realised how deeply my DS would feel my loss, I'd cancel my plans and stay put. I certainly wouldn't uproot him and take him away from his mum, siblings, school friends and everything! Plus the horror of him potentially not coming back is unbearable. Definitely don't do it. YANBU AT ALL.

Juells Fri 20-Apr-18 11:11:02

Good opportunity for lots of Spanish holidays for you and the children 😂

I'd make great efforts to let them see him, but would never allow a 7-year-old move to another country.

There's a health-insurance worry as well, I'd have thought.

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