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AIBU?

AIBU re boyfriend

80 replies

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 18:45

Genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable hence asking here... my boyfriend of 18 months and I don't live together. I have a 5 year old DS and have always been on my own with him, so I can't go out loads in the evening. Anyway, my boyfriend has this thing where he will arrange to see us for a part of the day or evening, then head off somewhere else later. I don't like it, as it leaves me feeling flatter than if I had just been on my own the whole time. For example, this friday, we are meant to be going to see friends of his after school a 30 min drive away. Presumably I'd have to get myself and DS there. Then I thought we'd head back here together and have a drink in the garden when DS in bed. He has said he wants to go out later, so maybe he wouldn't even come back with us. I annoyed him by saying I thought he should choose - either we'll all hang out at his mates and then come back here together, or he should go out. I haven't seen him all week, and I'd like to spend a whole evening with him. He thinks I am being petulant and cutting off my nose to spite my face, but I genuinely would be fine if he did decide to go out - I can hang out with my sister and not rush through london at rush hour to get to his friends. Am I being unreasonable? He does this quite a lot... eg the other week, he persuaded me to come out, half an hour away (next to his flat) to see him and his friends, said he'd pay for the babysitter, then suddenly announced at closing time he wasn't coming back with me and I'd have to travel home alone. It makes me feel like he wants his cake and to eat it... but am I being unfair? I know you lot will be honest!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/04/2018 18:48

He's not that into you.

starsandstuff · 19/04/2018 18:52

YANBU. You deserve much better than this half-arsedness. If he can't make up his mind if he wants to be with you or somewhere else, make up his mind for him. Someone else will happily want to drive half an hour just to be with you and not feel the need to abandon you halfway through the night. Honestly.

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 18:53

Maybe... I think it's more that he loves being a gadfly, and he is pretty selfish (he does have good qualities too!). We were mates for 10 years before we got together so I know how he is in relationships!

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PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 18:54

That was to run rabbit by the way... thanks starsandstuff.

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PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 18:54

You are right - that is how it feels to me. Good, I am going to stand my ground then.

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Sn0tnose · 19/04/2018 18:56

What RunRabbit said.

It's about priorities. And his priority is going out with his mates. If he was really into you, wild horses wouldn't be able to drag him away from the limited time you spend together, especially when he has other nights to go out late.

Sparklesocks · 19/04/2018 18:57

To be honest OP I know it’s not very nice to hear but it sounds like you aren’t a big priority for him, it seems like if he ‘clocks in’ a few hours with you then he feels that’s enough and he can go onto other things.

I think you need to have a bit of an open chat about what you want from your relationship and make sure you’re on the same page.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 19/04/2018 18:57

Sounds like he puts the minium effort into your relationship - you deserve much more than that.

Ltb.

blueluce85 · 19/04/2018 18:57

For him to comment and say you are cutting your nose off sounds pretty toxic. He isn't doing you a favour by spending time with you. Sounds very much like the relationship I am no longer in! (thankfully)

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:01

Ha ok, pretty unanimous!

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HollowTalk · 19/04/2018 19:04

Are you meant to be grateful for any time he spends with you? Get rid of this man, OP - friend or not, he's a really crap boyfriend.

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:04

Ironically, he is the one who is pushing for a baby and to move in etc, whereas I am happy we don't live together - don't want to rush anything as DS is the priority for me.
Between his work, football and mates, I definitely feel low on the list. But he was the same in his last relationship. It is just the way he is. We are having counselling in May, so maybe I'll see what comes of that before I LTB.

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laurzj82 · 19/04/2018 19:04

How old are you / him? He sounds like he isn't ready for a more serious relationship if I'm honest

xkatie27x · 19/04/2018 19:05

YANBU. Being totally selfish, dump him Smile

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:05

Both 42!

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laurzj82 · 19/04/2018 19:05

X post. Good luck with the counselling. Hope you find the solution that makes you happiest x

Qwertytypewriter · 19/04/2018 19:06

I had an ex like this - I think he had lots of things he wanted to do, and he just scheduled a bit of time for each, and that seemed the logical solution to him...
...then one day he mentioned that I was not in the top 4 on his list of priorities for that particular week, and I decided enough was enough! I think I had assumed it was largely accidental that he sometimes seemed not to prioritise our time..knowing he had it all worked out, in order, and i was below 4th, was a bit different.

laurzj82 · 19/04/2018 19:06

Oh. 42? LTB! I thought you were going to say he was 20 or something

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:07

Thank you... I think because we were friends for such a long time, I want it to be right. But this is not the only issue in our relationship. I won't even go into the rest of it as I know what you will all say!

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Mightymucks · 19/04/2018 19:07

You’re not compatible. He is still quite immature and obviously you are not because you have to look after DS. He’s just not grown up enough to be going out with a mother.

If you did move in together you’d still be sat on your tod every night. Ditch him.

Thefirstjedi · 19/04/2018 19:08

42 Shock I thought you were going to say mid/ late twenties.
I agree with everyone else, ditch him now.

PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:10

Qwertytypewriter yes, that's exactly it! He works a lot, then these drinks tomorrow are with a mate, but he is also someone he works with - he is a TV producer and this guy is the talent, and there are issues with the show at the moment and the presenter isn't happy, so I get it -- but equally, I don't want to feel bottom of the list either. Having said that, he worked monday and weds, stayed in as he was knackered tuesday, but we are also having a night together sat night as DS having a sleepover with my sister. So it's probably not quite as dire as I have made out...

OP posts:

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PollyIndia · 19/04/2018 19:11

Mightymuck - yes, exactly. I have spoken to him about this too, about how we are at different life stages, but he says he doesn't see it...

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Dozer · 19/04/2018 19:11

Counselling when you don’t even live together or see each other frequently?!

He is 42, and prefers doing what he wants to seeing his girlfriend. Sounds like he thinks you should accept the time slots he offers.

That said, on one ofthe specific examples, did his friends have DC? If not perhaps their plans for the eve were not DC friendly. He could’ve just said that though.

Not that into you!

Merryoldgoat · 19/04/2018 19:17

Counselling before you’ve moved in? Selfish (your words)?

Seriously, what’s the point? He sounds like he shoe horns you in - not the actions of someone who really likes you.

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