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to only have a 2+2 ceremony?

(69 Posts)
ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 09:24:57

DP & I were planning on having a large typical wedding with all the frills but two things happened;
1) we decided to prioritise buying our first house & sorting out the décor there
2) we couldn't seem to keep any of my family happy with anything we suggested or wanted for our wedding.

FYI my sister had to get a loan out to keep family happy with everything they wanted for her wedding.

So we decided we would head off to the registry office with our 2 best mates as witnesses and just get legally married to;
1) to get our names the same as our DS and
2) to save bothering with a Will, our mortgage advisor said "get married or do a Will"

We will save up for a larger showy off "renewal of vows" celebration in a few years when we have the money to do what we want and keep everyone else happy.

I didn't particularly want to tell our family about it because I knew they would take it out of context and cause drama about it but DP couldn't keep it from them so we had to tell them.

Cue the drama and the tears and the throwing toys out of the pram, e.g.I was told my family wouldn't forgive me if my nan died before we had a proper big wedding day.

I'm not completely soulless and so I had been having many sleepless nights over how upset I seem to have made my family that I told DP that we are going to have to invite them to see this legal joining of us.

Yet when I asked them along to it they then decided to try and change the whole event. They wanted to make us cancel the registry office and hold it at another venue claiming that it won't cost much money because they will still pay for their meal out afterwards (actually it will cost about £1000 extra to suggest where they want us to get married plus want me to get a new dress to be more romantic!)

I told them "no, we are still only getting legally bound together at the registry office with a simple meal out afterwards, the larger showy day will come when we have the money". To which they then decided that now they don't want to come at all and although they are saying that they are really upset that they wont be coming they cant possibly come to a registry wedding when they weren't originally invited.

I feel like pulling my hair out! Especially at my mum's comment of "I feel like you regret not inviting us along to begin with which is why you are now trying to get us to come along" - is it just me or does that seem pretty low? If you think your daughter wants you at her wedding to begin with why would you not go?

Idk what I expect from this thread. I expect to be slated pretty harshly on here for these choices as I am being hounded by my family pretty strongly so I have clearly handled this whole thing badly.

I really just needed to vent. DP cant stand this drama anymore and I don't want him to hate my family so don't want him to see how stressed this is making me.

jessicasmummy04 Thu 19-Apr-18 09:31:44

I think you should have the wedding you want and stop listening to everyone thinks you SHOULD have. If they have any respect for they would want you to have the wedding of your dreams not theirs.

Do want YOU want to do if they wish to join you great if they don't then that's their problem not yours.

ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 09:43:13

Wish I could Jesscasmummy and I know they should be happy for us. DP says they are showing no respect or understanding. But I just cant bare the thought of this causing a rift between us or upsetting my family. I know how petty my mum get too so worried this will be continual ammunition in the future for her.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly Thu 19-Apr-18 09:47:07

They sound horrible and you are perfectly reasonable to get married how you want to. I wish we'd prioritised a house over the wedding - it's only one day after all and we could have gotten on the housing ladder earlier. It's getting more and more difficult to buy your first home so I think you are being entirely sensible.

ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 09:48:51

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly yeah with our 2nd baby on the way we thought getting married now simply and ensuring a secure place to live would be best! I feel like my family do not realise how restricted on money we are, despite me explaining that to them.

ConciseandNice Thu 19-Apr-18 09:52:09

We had a 2+2 and on our 10th anniversary renewed our vows with family present —- when we could afford it. Life’s too short to live it just to make other people happy with your choices. It’s your marriage. No one else’s and it’s just a wedding!

4GreenApples Thu 19-Apr-18 09:53:49

The wedding you’ve planned sounds fine.

You shouldn’t feel obliged to change everything to please your family, and it’s wrong of them to be trying to emotionally blackmail you into changing the venue, dress, and whatever else they might decide isn’t good enough for them.

As it stands now, you’ve invited them, so if they choose not to come then any rift or upset over them not coming to the wedding is on their heads, not yours.

yoyo1234 Thu 19-Apr-18 10:04:29

Stick to your original ( 2+2) plan or alternatively invite them to the registry service. Stick to your choice of venue. Your family's financial stability is far more important than one day.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira Thu 19-Apr-18 10:05:57

Do it your way and tell them you’ve decided just to not bother. You don’t need to be married to change your name.

yoyo1234 Thu 19-Apr-18 10:06:23

Agree with PP . You have invited them so if they do not come it is their fault.

adaline Thu 19-Apr-18 10:06:36

It's your day - do whatever you want!

We're getting married in September - just us plus parents, so six of us in total. We're going out for afternoon tea after, then going home!

ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 10:07:52

Thank you all

ConciseandNice yeah that is pretty much our thoughts and plans!

4GreenApples it is funny you use that phrase "emotionally blackmail", it is exactly what my DP's parents said my family were doing to me (needless to say my DP's parents are totally happy for us)

yoyo1234 did try to invite them to the registry service, I even said if it would make them happy we can add in Readings and Music etc if they want it to be more romantic - but even that wasn't sufficient enough for them

ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 10:10:12

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira true but I really reckon they will see straight through it!

adaline that is our plan! Afternoon tea with our two witnesses afterwards, love an afternoon tea (probably doesn't need to be said but of course my family were horrified that is all we were planning to do afterwards lol!)

Ceecee18 Thu 19-Apr-18 10:12:54

YANBU. DP and I are getting married next year with just 2 friends as witnesses and our DD with us. We have told family as we decided to have a small pub get together afterwards. They were overly happy about it but have accepted it. At the end of the day, your wedding isn't about what anyone else wants.

adaline Thu 19-Apr-18 10:13:34

Great minds think alike!

DP has a huge extended family and if we went down the route of inviting siblings, we'd end up spending a fortune, and we frankly can't afford to do that. Well, we can, but I don't want to spend stupid amounts on one day - our ceremony is less than £200, plus dress/suit, rings and afternoon tea we're looking at about £5-600. We could do it for less, of course.

I kind of think if people want opinions they need to be willing to fork out the extra costs involved!

Littlechocola Thu 19-Apr-18 10:15:48

We are having similar issues. It’s hard to stick to it when you are getting abuse from all angles.
Stick to what you want (and I’ll try to take my own advice).

ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 10:17:13

adaline that is literally our budget as well haha! But I'm the one with the silly extended family in our relationship, wouldn't know where to stop!

Ceecee18 yeah my Step-Mum came up with that as a compromise (tbf she is being really level headed in this)

ClareB83 Thu 19-Apr-18 10:17:47

Your family are being dicks just do what you originally planned.

ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 10:18:12

Littlechocola I will stick to our plans if you do the same then haha! good luck x

ShotsFired Thu 19-Apr-18 10:18:12

@ScruffleCake just go and do it, then what can the interfering lot do anyway?

Stuff 'em. They had/will have their chance to get married the way they want, they can piss off trying to impose that on you.

Congratulations in advance flowers

ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 10:19:45

ShotsFired I think that is partly their issue though, they haven't got married so maybe some jealousy there or wanting to control our day because they haven't had the chance to do their own day?

NameChangeCuddleBums Thu 19-Apr-18 10:22:11

Definitely do it. We did it and have never looked back. It’s the marriage not the wedding that counts and your family can support your marriage without being at the wedding. Congratulations

adaline Thu 19-Apr-18 10:22:49

Haha I'm so glad it's not just us! Personally as well I would hate a big event with the focus on me all day - I can't stand being the centre of attention and four witnesses is about my limit really!

Luckily both sets of parents had small weddings so they're completely understanding about the whole thing.

FizzyGreenWater Thu 19-Apr-18 10:23:56

In a nutshell:

Your family are a fucking nightmare, and this is the best chance you will ever have to show them (not just tell them and complain but end up accomodating) that your life is YOUR BUSINESS and they don't get to dominate, interfere, hector and bully.

You say-

'Fine, don't come. No I don't regret for a moment not asking you originally - we only asked because you kicked up such a fuss. The reason we didn't want you there originally is because we feared this would happen - the demands, the drama, the interference.

We're getting married as WE planned. We are perfectly happy for you not to be there. Or be there. But we're not changing a FUCKING BASTARD THING! Come or don't come. Let me know by Friday. And don't ever interfere like this again.'

Say something along those lines to them, and save yourselves this scenario happening OVER AND OVER again every time they don't like something.

ScruffleCake Thu 19-Apr-18 10:32:45

FizzyGreenWater actually I have! I sent a very similar message (was a lot longer tbh) to Mum.

Ah well I guess I just didn't want our day to be tainted by all this drama which is why I tried to accommodate them.

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