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To STILL be considered odd to keep my maiden name, even though it's 2018?

(590 Posts)
jamoncrumpets Wed 18-Apr-18 17:38:08

I married DH in 2013. I kept my surname for a number of reasons: wasn't that enamoured of DH's, feminist reasons, I just really like my own surname.

Didn't make a deal out of it at all, but did mention to family and family-in-law that I'd be keeping my name. Kept the explanation brief 'I just like my name', and left it at that.

So why am I STILL receiving post from family addressed to 'Mrs DHSURNAME'?! Even from my own DF?!

Then today I was talking to one of my aunts and she was utterly shocked that I was happy to have a different surname to my DC 'But he's your SON, how can you not want the same name, you're a FAMILY?!' - tbh it never entered my head to care! I adore my DS, and my husband, and don't feel like our name is the vital thing that links us together.

AIBU to just be a little bit fed up of having to explain myself over and over again to people?! How can I politely tell these people to fuck off?

qwertyuiopy Wed 18-Apr-18 17:41:12

My job means I kept my name (I'm named on stuff) and I get sick of it but I must admit I've started using DS's at school because messages were going astray.

It's bloody annoying though.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Wed 18-Apr-18 17:41:57

I think we should stop calling it 'my maiden name' and just call it 'my name' tbh.

qwertyuiopy Wed 18-Apr-18 17:42:22

Posted too soon.

When they say "Why haven't you got the same name as DH?" reply "Wow, that would have been a coincidence, wouldn't it?!'

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Wed 18-Apr-18 17:43:00

...sorry pressed send too quickly.
Some people are just really old fashioned. Take no notice and do what you like.
I did insist on the kids getting my name too, poor things.

jamoncrumpets Wed 18-Apr-18 17:45:20

I do just think of it as 'my name' fourfried, I just wanted to clarify to prevent drip feeding

Gottagetmoving Wed 18-Apr-18 17:45:33

If I kept my own name I would have had the children registered in my name too. My friend has three children all with different surnames to her.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Wed 18-Apr-18 17:46:14

oh yes i realise that, i just meant in general i think we should ban the term,,smile

jamoncrumpets Wed 18-Apr-18 17:47:21

Why though GottaGetMoving? I don't understand the need for my DS to have my surname. I carried him for 9 months. I fed him. I wipe his butt every day.

sailorcherries Wed 18-Apr-18 17:48:13

I'm keeping my name, my children are myname-exsname and myname-fiancesname respectively.

I won't change my name and not sharw a name with DC1. I won't double-barrel my own name to be the same as DC2 as OH won't do the same.

Plus it's my name, I like it.

qwertyuiopy Wed 18-Apr-18 17:49:50

My SIL has four children, three surnames, and all different to hers! (She went back to her "maiden" name after each divorce/seperation and remains divorced.)

It is actually very confusing. I've addressed cards to the children with the wrong surname before because I forgot which father was which blush.

Fluffyears Wed 18-Apr-18 17:50:08

I’m changing my name and it’s a pain in the arse!y systems at work won’t connect up and my printer code is still in my old name and e-mail. Companies practically want a signed declaration in blood....I hated my name though so want to change it

notacooldad Wed 18-Apr-18 17:50:31

Apart from an age thing ( your aunt, your father) I wonder if it is a demographic thing as well.

In the area where I live it is really unusual for someone to keep their name. FB posts are full of comments like ' only 3 more days before I'm Mrs. ( his name)' and similar.

Even women in my organisation that are high up in management change their name as soon as they are wed.
Perhaps keeping your name hasn't caught on in some places Up North!

jamoncrumpets Wed 18-Apr-18 17:50:53

How is it confusing if my DCs have the same name as their dad and I have another? That's only one extra name to remember.

qwertyuiopy Wed 18-Apr-18 17:51:12

*separation

Gottagetmoving Wed 18-Apr-18 17:54:33

Why though GottaGetMoving? I don't understand the need for my DS to have my surname. I carried him for 9 months. I fed him. I wipe his butt every day

It's just more practical. As I said, my friend has three children all with different names and all different to hers. Only one of the dads bothers with his child. Why should they take their father's name?

BertrandRussell Wed 18-Apr-18 17:54:36

If course you don’t want to keep your maiden name. Don’t be silly. Here’s why.
1) It’s not your name-it’s your father’s name. Unlike your husband’s name, which is uniquely his and not his father’s name at all.
2) It’s a woman’s name. So it will be ugly, difficult to spell and pronounce. Or it will be incredibly boring. Unlike your husband’s name, which is a man’s name, so will be beautiful, interesting, easy to spell and say.
3) If your child does not have his father’s name, people might think he’s a step child. Which would be awful. And if you don’t have the same name as your child, you won’t be a “little family” a “unit” or a “team”. Which would also be awful. So you have to take your husband’s name. Because 2. And 4.
4) And anyway, you don’t want to look as if you are try too hard, making a point, a feminist or a ball breaker.

qwertyuiopy Wed 18-Apr-18 17:55:52

jamoncrumpets My SIL's situation is confusing because she has (not real names obvs) four children: Emily Bronte, Charlotte Bronte, Ernest Hemingway, George Orwell and she is Virginia Woolf!

jamoncrumpets Wed 18-Apr-18 17:56:53

That's not my situation though GottaGetMoving, I'm married to my DCs DF. They both (born and unborn) have the same DF. And how exactly is it more 'practical' and for whom? Them? Or you?

PaulDacreRimsGeese Wed 18-Apr-18 17:56:54

Because your family are eejits.

jamoncrumpets Wed 18-Apr-18 17:58:26

Don't see the issue qwerty, those are their names! Families are blended now, surely this is happening more and more often.

SeriousChutzpah Wed 18-Apr-18 17:59:58

If course you don’t want to keep your maiden name. Don’t be silly. Here’s why.
1) It’s not your name-it’s your father’s name. Unlike your husband’s name, which is uniquely his and not his father’s name at all.
2) It’s a woman’s name. So it will be ugly, difficult to spell and pronounce. Or it will be incredibly boring. Unlike your husband’s name, which is a man’s name, so will be beautiful, interesting, easy to spell and say.
3) If your child does not have his father’s name, people might think he’s a step child. Which would be awful. And if you don’t have the same name as your child, you won’t be a “little family” a “unit” or a “team”. Which would also be awful. So you have to take your husband’s name. Because 2. And 4.
4) And anyway, you don’t want to look as if you are try too hard, making a point, a feminist or a ball breaker.

That about sums it up. Aaargh.

I started forwarding anything that arrived for 'Mrs DHName' to his mother. Word got round.

TittyGolightly Wed 18-Apr-18 18:00:15

Almost 14 years here and still the same. It’s clearly too complex a thing for many to comprehend. One relative will send a cheque in my [maiden] name (because she knows I can’t cash anything else in an envelope addressed to Mrs Hisname. WTAF?!

PaulDacreRimsGeese Wed 18-Apr-18 18:01:34

You forgot that she's also putting other women off feminism Bertrand, but other than that I believe you have the key points covered.

TittyGolightly Wed 18-Apr-18 18:01:50

If course you don’t want to keep your maiden name. Don’t be silly. Here’s why.
1) It’s not your name-it’s your father’s name. Unlike your husband’s name, which is uniquely his and not his father’s name at all.
2) It’s a woman’s name. So it will be ugly, difficult to spell and pronounce. Or it will be incredibly boring. Unlike your husband’s name, which is a man’s name, so will be beautiful, interesting, easy to spell and say.
3) If your child does not have his father’s name, people might think he’s a step child. Which would be awful. And if you don’t have the same name as your child, you won’t be a “little family” a “unit” or a “team”. Which would also be awful. So you have to take your husband’s name. Because 2. And 4.
4) And anyway, you don’t want to look as if you are try too hard, making a point, a feminist or a ball breaker.

It’s official. I love you.

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