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To be angry about being called names because I go out once a week

(103 Posts)
Bedtimesnacks Mon 16-Apr-18 18:55:54

Posted about my situation last week on here
https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3217702-Husband-getting-drunk-with-children-Going-to-have-to-give-up-on-my-dreams-Please-help

Things have moved on a bit since then. Friday evening husband decided to go to the pub sink a skin full and come home drunk and with the hump. He uses alcohol as a tool with which to be verbally and in the past physically abusive as if it's a justification. This has gone on loads over the years.

His gripe is I have a hobby I take part in once a week / once a fortnight. Sometimes I go on my own or with my brother. Other times i take one or both eldest sons.

I don't drink at home ever. Don't smoke don't do the whole ladies that lunch going shopping etc etc so this is my social outlet. Going back a few years into the relationship I had very very few friends and only went out a couple of times a YEAR. I didn't take active part in my hobby either due to my children being young. On the odd occasion I did go with my brother , husband would be off with me when I got back home . Anyway I guess it's a catch 22 the more he's been an arse to me the more I have pulled away and immersed myself in hobby once a week / fortnight and I now have (a smàll network of friends) there . The more this has happened the more he has sulker, ignored me, called me names treated me like shit.

Now I have looked to go back to work in a career (all detailed in previous thread) he has been even more funny. Is it jealous? Does he feel left out ? Am I being out of order?

Going back when my kids were young he would think nothing of taking off up the pub with no notice (I would have dinner cooked and ring to see where he is and he would be pissed up in the pub somewhere) he lost his license many years ago for DD. He's assaulted me physically on many occasions (nothing in the last 7 years since we married though) one of the times resulted in a court appearance and conviction for assault as it was a bad beating I took. Now the roles have reversed and I am the one going out all hell has broken lose. He's gone to his family slagging me off as a bad mum, says I am living the single life, don't want to be here. Poor him. How I 'dump' the kids on him to go out. He's their father ffs. What does he think I do all week when he's at work. How does he think incoped when he would be in a pub somewhere or pissed up indoors and I was trying to keep all the plates spinning and shield them as much as I could from it. Bit suddenly I am the biggest see you next Tuesday going.

I am so so angry. Our son's birthday was at the weekend and he wanted me to take him to my hobby. Husband arranged with his family for us to take the child for a happy meal and cake etc . All hell broke lose because the child wanted to do this activity with me even though I said it wasn't possible that day and we would do it another weekend. Well husband came home and recons I manipulated child into requesting this. That I have snubbed his family. And with that he had me against the wall, threw cushions at me which missed and smashed a photo frame. Spat on the floor and called me scum. Said my mum hated me. My dad didn't want me. I am a bitch,mess, fat, loser, cunt , whore , not worth the shit on his shoe as he rubbed it into the carpet . Then said he's ashamed of me as I want to be a 'screw' . This went on for several hours while I was trying to wrap the child's birthday presents. The police were called by a passer by. He was arrested and spent the night in cells before being cautioned and let go. Came back and said we need to separate. And with that he's fucked off to live with mummy. Where he can have his freedom 7 nights a week, his dinners cooked, peace and quiet and they can all slag me off as a failure and a shit wife and mother.

I feel angry, I feel so sad. He's took my dream of my job away from me as I can't do it without decent childcare and due to the hours and number of children a nanny / au pair is out of the question (also discussed on other thread) is what I am doing so bad I deserve to be called these names. Maybe I could have tried harder. My hobby makes me happy. It's only a few hours once a week and I now have some friends who make me happy too.

Please someone talk to me

pangolina Mon 16-Apr-18 19:00:14

What an absolute turd of a man

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Mon 16-Apr-18 19:02:42

at least he has gone....sad
You wont think about letting him back will you?

Knittedfairies Mon 16-Apr-18 19:04:33

I haven’t read your other thread, but is childcare really out of the equation?

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin Mon 16-Apr-18 19:04:34

You’re in an abusive relationship you need to get out for your sake and your children’s. Women’s aid number 0808 2000 247.

Pengggwn Mon 16-Apr-18 19:08:15

You are WELL rid. Yes, there will be sacrifices, but the pleasure of not having the prick in your home ever again may come to outweigh those!

outofmydepth45 Mon 16-Apr-18 19:08:28

Let yourself be angry for a bit he's a cunt and has done you a favour by leaving. Don't let him come back !!

Mydoghatesthebath Mon 16-Apr-18 19:10:33

do not let this utter utter bastard into your home or life love

Absolutkry phone women’s aid and get financial advice. You may get more access to childcare than you think.

He is vile vile and abusuve. You call thr police if he comes near you and keep the kids away from him.

You stay strong. You did nothing wrong flowers

BitchQueen90 Mon 16-Apr-18 19:11:22

Change the locks and tell him not to bother coming back. You will do far better on your own.

DevilsDoorbell Mon 16-Apr-18 19:17:20

Why would you want him in your life?

Be glad he left. You do not want your son to grow up thinking that’s how you treat women, or your daughter growing up thinking this is acceptable.

He is an utter turd and you are well rid of him and his family if they are anything like him.

Welcome to the rest of your life

afrikat Mon 16-Apr-18 19:21:31

I'm so sorry but from what you have posted here and on the other thread, you absolutely need to get away from this man for good and I would be trying to make sure he didn't have the kids unsupervised.
With regards to your career, is the opportunity something you could delay a year or two, to give you time to sort yourself out and investigate more affordable childcare options?

TeeniefaeTroon Mon 16-Apr-18 19:33:48

Good riddance to him! He sounds like a worthless piece of crap!

PoorYorick Mon 16-Apr-18 19:34:08

OP, how would you feel if you had been carrying a heavy, stinking, worthless, revolting sack of shit on your back for your entire adult life, and then one day you got rid of it?

Bedtimesnacks Mon 16-Apr-18 19:34:18

Yes @afrikat I could withdraw the application now and reapply at any time on another campaign which runs every few month as the prison service are desperate for staff. Another thing he said. They are desperate and will take anyone and aren't fussy. That's after I scored all As and Bs at the assessment day. Funnily enough I was phased whatsoever by having a grown man shout abuse at me and call me a useless cunt in the roleplays (they try and make then as accurate to prison life as possible)

Should add during this rumpus Friday night my eldest son rung his paternal grandmother up and she could hear all this shit. She asked for me on the phone and for the first time ever I thanked her for her shit stirring and meddling which had caused him to come home and almost flatten me. Strangely she didn't like that and tried to massively back peddle. All turned round on me. I changed my name on Facebook and took my surname off. Was advised to do this prior to entering vetting as hmps comb your social media for anything which might be inappropriate or could be used against you for conditioning by prisoners so I use my first and middle names, no public pictures of my kids, marital status hometown etc. IE nothing to identify me. I had a good clear out of ppl who weren't close close friends or family. So she's gone batshit that I have dropped the surname. Apparently it's another sign I don't want to be in a relationship alongside going out. Absolute bitch of a woman. I pointed out where was her putting the knife in her son when he was in the pub and beating me. Her reply it's between you two and if he hit you you probably weren't no angel and deserved it. Charming. Not contacted any of us since to ask if me or even her grandchildren are ok. Nothing. Nil . NADA.

The house is a private rent in both names. Will go down the lha and council tax relief route. Inform tax credits etc no mortgage . No joint accounts or shared assets which would make things more messy

Bedtimesnacks Mon 16-Apr-18 19:35:52

I have been with him since 16 . 16 years in total. Half my life. My whole adult life.

TheDairyQueen Mon 16-Apr-18 19:40:24

He sounds like a bitter, envious little man who is desperate to control you.

The sooner he is completely out of your life, the better. One day the names will be replaced with fists.

Stay strong and don't look back. You are worth so much more.

evilharpy Mon 16-Apr-18 19:42:47

I have been with him since 16 . 16 years in total. Half my life. My whole adult life.

So now you're 32. ONLY 32. You have so much life still ahead of you and now you can get on with it without that worthless sack of shit dragging you down. So much time to accomplish all your goals and do all the things you want to. Nobody to make you feel worthless. You should be celebrating that he's gone. Just make sure you never ever ever take him back. flowers

MizK Mon 16-Apr-18 19:46:07

I wouldn't let a lunatic like him look after my children so probably for the best that you're being forced to seek alternative childcare.

Read your post back if you ever find yourself feeling like it's just easier to take him back. Familiarity is a fucking drug to many of us as the unknown is scary. If you keep far away from him you will be amazed at how quickly and easily things fall into place for you and your children.
He honestly sounds completely disgusting and you should be celebrating your freedom.

nocoolnamesleft Mon 16-Apr-18 19:49:11

Hasn't this fucking bastard wrecked enough of your life? You'd be better off without him.

GabsAlot Mon 16-Apr-18 19:49:42

you dont need him let him go once and for all

im sorry about the job but you can always reapply like you said-if something serious happened to you like another beating you might not even be here

do you want your children growing up thinking this is normal

Lollipop30 Mon 16-Apr-18 19:56:22

Please please never go near him again. You have been treated appallingly, that really is no ‘normal’ relationship.
Get yourself out and get yourself a plan. Your kids do not deserve to grow up thinking that behaviour is in any way normal.

Ravenesque Mon 16-Apr-18 19:56:27

As difficult as this is, you will be so much better off without him. He's an alcoholic and he's abusive. He has absolutely no respect for you and he is an appalling parent. I'm so sorry that you won't be able to go for your dream job right away, but you will be able to go for it in the not too distant future. Things will get better and you deserve so much better than he has ever given you.

I wish I had more than words to offer you, but you have friends, you have children who love you, you have a son who'd rather spend the day with you with your hobby than your husband and his dysfunctional family. You have enough for now, so hold onto this, don't listen to the abuse from him or his mother, and never doubt that you are a good person, a decent woman, a mother who loves her children and someone who deserves to live her life free of abuse.

PrtScn Mon 16-Apr-18 19:56:55

I honestly can't believe you've been with that piece of shit for so long.
Don't let him back. You are well rid.
As for your dream job, can you not look at getting back into it once childcare is not an issue?

Bedtimesnacks Mon 16-Apr-18 19:59:47

Yeah he asked quite calmly in the middle of all this if I would be insured at work. I was in a previous job as there was a risk of robbery attached to the post. Anyway I was a bit baffled and said I don't know. To that he replied he hopes I get killed at work and gestured to my stairs and said I need half a pound of butter on the top step and a little accident. He was drunk when he said this . Would have hurt less if he had just smacked me one and been done with it. I can't get the words out my head or the fact they all think it's ok because I go and watch my team play football once a week

LiteraryDevil Mon 16-Apr-18 20:00:09

Well he's saved you the job of chucking him out. You're free now to enjoy your hobby and the rest of your life. Change the locks like others have said. Be glad that he's gone thanks

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