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To feel like a rubbish parent?

(35 Posts)
Teachtolive Mon 16-Apr-18 15:54:35

DC2 is 6 months old. Here is the list of things I can't get her to do:
- get off the breast and onto formula
- eat any food without making a face like I'm feeding her arsenic
- self settle
-fall asleep in her father's arms
- fall asleep without a breast feed

As a result my other dc (Age 2) is suffering cos I'm at my wits end since I have no real time to myself and am frustrated. I can't do anything with dc2 alone so we're losing closeness. I adore my children but I'm angry, sad and tired. Am I just crap at parenting?

Unihorn Mon 16-Apr-18 15:56:16

You are definitely not. My daughter is 17 months and can't self settle or fall asleep many places other than on me. At 6 months food is more of a recommended supplement than anything as well. Mine wouldn't eat much til about 8-9 months.

DairyisClosed Mon 16-Apr-18 15:57:44

I think that your expectations may be a bit high. None of my children were doing any of those things at that age baring eating without absolutely hating it but even that was a rarity.

Spaghettijumper Mon 16-Apr-18 15:59:24

My DD was exactly the same. You can't force a baby to do things they just don't have any intention of doing. I was utterly exhausted and so fucked off, most of the time.

She's five now and still..ahem...opinionated but also a beautiful firecracker who knows what she wants.

It'll get better, honest.

Ickyockycocky Mon 16-Apr-18 16:00:55

You are being ridiculously hard on yourself. All these things come with time, you can't force the issue. Things will start to get better. All children learn to eat and enjoy food. All children are weaned from the breast, eventually. All children learn to fall asleep on their own. Don't fret, it's such early days for you.

tinykirst Mon 16-Apr-18 16:01:33

Not at all!
My son is almost 6 months and is pretty much the same! Apart from he's happy to eat almost anything as he's a little chunk! Haha! As long as you and your baby is happy then you are parenting perfectly!
Keep trying with the bottle and foods and eventually you'll get there! xx

Lightsong Mon 16-Apr-18 16:03:55

Well if you're crap, i'm worse!
I've never managed to get DS (12m) to take a bottle, I went back to work at 9m and he was fine so I have given up worrying about that one.
Weaning is a tricky time, they are learning so many new tastes and textures so stop worrying about her pulling faces, she will get the hang of it.
My DS also wont or sleep for dad / without boob, my older one is 9 though so easier than your situation.
Dont be so hard on yourself, it sounds really tough. Does LO settle in a sling? So at least you can be hands free to do something with older DC?

LaurieMarlow Mon 16-Apr-18 16:05:47

Sounds very normal to me.

The food thing will come. Don't stress it. I also wouldn't stress the sleeping, feeding to sleep is pretty standard at that age. Give it a few months and you could try night weaning and some sleep training (lots of gentle techniques out there if you're happier with that).

On the issue of milk, is it the formula she won't take or the bottle? Will she take expressed milk out of a bottle for example?

Teachtolive Mon 16-Apr-18 16:19:03

Thanks for the replies and the reassurance. I feel very claustrophobic at the moment! I want to be done breast feeding, I hate expressing too. LauriaMarlow she'll take expressed milk from a bottle but only an ounce or two of formula. lightsong she likes a sling but not for very long and won't sleep in it. DH also feels quite helpless with the whole thing. It's upsetting him too. Our first child tookto food and bottles like she was just breathing.

Spaghettijumper Mon 16-Apr-18 16:20:39

Trying not to be too harsh but I wonder if you're also having to face the fact that the way things went with your first DC wasn't necessarily down to your great parenting, but largely down to luck? People who struggle with their babies aren't generally 'bad' parents.

Ritualunion Mon 16-Apr-18 16:27:50

You’re not alone. My 15 month old never took bottles, didn’t take to food easily, never falls asleep with dad and needs me to feed/cuddle to sleep. He’s a good eater now though, at least I’m over that initial hurdle. I’m convinced they do these things in their own time and it’s more down to personality/development than parenting style.

Teachtolive Mon 16-Apr-18 16:36:02

spaghettijumper you're absolutely right, it was just luck! The two of them have completely different personalities. I just kinda thought with a bit if perseverance I'd get things done. Things seem to be getting worse instead of better. The weaning started well, and DH could settle her when she was smaller. Maybe that's why I feel we've cocked up somewhere

fermerswife Mon 16-Apr-18 16:37:03

You're not unreasonable to feel like it but you are not a useless parent far from it. I felt pretty much the same when my 2nd was a baby but hang in there is does get easier.

From a practical perspective if she is taking expressed milk what about mixing formula and bm gradually reducing the amount of bm? Can't see why you couldn't do it that's how I went from formula to cows milk?

FrozenMargarita17 Mon 16-Apr-18 16:38:51

Hi OP

My dd is 9 months and doesn't eat much solid food. Always pulls a face and clamps her mouth shut. I keep persevering but I can't bring myself to lovingly cook a load of stuff that'll just get chucked on the floor so I save her some of my food from the evening or give her fruit/toast etc

She doesn't self settle either. I lay with her while she falls asleep. She also has a bottle before she sleeps too.

She won't fall asleep in anyone's^^ arms either.

Talith Mon 16-Apr-18 16:50:21

You aren't unreasonable you're just shattered. It's the hardest time. It will get better. Take care of yourself as much as you can and lower your standards grin

DoubleRamsey Mon 16-Apr-18 16:51:54

My dd is 8 months and she can't do three of the things on your list!

At 6 months she only did one of them (fall asleep on daddy)

You are being very hard on yourself!

Beamur Mon 16-Apr-18 16:56:08

Mine never took a bottle, would only settle with another person if I was out of the house and still pulls a face at food (ten years and counting)
Sounds like you have a happily breast fed baby who is secure and comfortable with you. Dads time will come.

susiegrapevine Mon 16-Apr-18 16:56:16

I know you said you hate expressing but how about trying this. Start with 1/3 formula 2/3 bm in bottle for a week or so then move to 2/3 formula 1/3 bm for another week or so once baby is used to this move entirely to formula. Its probably the difference in taste. This way baby can get used to it. You can do quarters if the 3rd doesn't work but it will take longer. Also perhaps try some finger foods for weankng that dc tries themselves if you are spoon feeding like a lightly cookef carrot stick.

Teachtolive Mon 16-Apr-18 16:57:59

fermerswife yeah I might try the gradual reduction. I just can't stand expressing. It takes so much out of me (no pun intended!). I have some frozen though so that might help. FrozenMaragrita maybe that's the way to go. It's heart breaking pureeing and freezing industrial amounts of veg and having her cry over it. I'm terrified of giving her an aversion to food too.

Spaghettijumper Mon 16-Apr-18 17:00:19

You need to submit to the shitness of the situation and hunker down until it gets better IMO. Do whatever it takes to preserve your sanity and get by -eventually the fog will start to clear and it won't seem to hard to sort things out. For now, accept that she wants breast milk and doesn't like food and just go with it. Give yourself a break!

Teachtolive Mon 16-Apr-18 19:19:54

spaghettijumper I think you could be right again. I'm just so exhausted from it all. For those of you who went through similar things- did you have any semblance if your own life while all this was happening? And if so how did you achieve it? All I really want is to be able to grab a quiet drink with friends or leave the house alone for a bit without worrying that she's screaming the house down on DH cos I'm not there to feed

DoubleRamsey Mon 16-Apr-18 19:23:00

So I just let her scream the house down with DH while I go out. I even work two half days a week.

Although actually they always end up doing better than I think when I'm out of the house! I think just try it. You have to cope with screaming sometimes, I'm sure he can grin

Beamur Mon 16-Apr-18 19:32:02

I went back to work...
Continued to bf for many months. Baby survived.

WonderTweek Mon 16-Apr-18 19:47:23

Oh yeah the weaning thing was tough when my baby just wasn’t interested in food. I made lots of purées and he mostly cried at them, and I thought he’d be a fussy eater with a fucked up attitude with food. I waited a couple of months and gradually he started enjoying food and now at 15 months he’s an eating machine! But really he only got into food at around 9-10 months so I guess some babies get the hang of it a bit later. I’d recommend offering ready made purées as it’s mentally easier to deal with it all going on the floor if you haven’t made it all from scratch. grin

My baby also didn’t want to sleep in our arms from about 4 months onwards and didn’t self settle for ages and sometimes we still feed him to sleep if he’s playing up. I’ve given up on what experts say and just go with whatever gives us the most sleep. It must be tricky if you’re trying to move onto formula feeding though. I would try mixing breast milk with formula as a pp suggested as it might work if you do it gradually. The temp can make a real difference too so you could experiment with it.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve cocked up at all. Babies just are fickle AF and don’t know what they’re doing. Good luck! halo

Chosenbyyou Mon 16-Apr-18 19:55:30

If you are a bad parent I am an awful parent lol!

I struggle I'm not going to lie!

With my first I never worked out how to get her to sleep for a nap so everyday (except nursery days) my DH or I would drive her around after lunch!

My second is 12m and DH has never put him to sleep at bedtime. I have no idea if he would or wouldn't sleep for him?!

I can't be bothered to battle or stress out this time around. I'm so over it (sleep) that I just take the path of least resistance.

Mine have both eaten well - this is luck, I gave food and they both ate it.

I have FF both from the start as that was my personal preference.

Please don't stress or think things are you not getting things 'right'...kids are a pain!

smile

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