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I can't trust my husband :(

(66 Posts)
indecis Mon 16-Apr-18 15:12:21

A year or so ago I found out that my husband had gambled a lot of money away - all of his savings in fact. I was very shocked and upset but tried to be understanding as I knew he felt awful about it and he was absolutely adamant that it would never happen again. I've never known him to have a problem with gambling previously so didn't push him to get help, as he really didn't want to. We've always had individual savings so it also wasn't my money to decide what to do with (although having some contribution to the future would be nice!).

Everything was fine for a while but then about six months ago he spent his entire salary on 2 separate occasions gambling. I work part time so his salary is vital for our living costs etc but we don't have a joint account so I do rely on him to pay some attention to what we're spending and so on. I'd happily have a joint account but he isn't keen on the idea. When he spent all his salary twice he took out loans to hide it, I only found out when I opened a letter from a loan company by accident (as I couldn't see the name, only the address) and asked him about it. I told him to shut any gambling accounts and paid off the loan out of my savings as I can't stand debt. We had a lot of arguments about it as it gave me quite bad anxiety about not being able to trust him.

Fast forward to last week. A letter came through the post for him and there was just something about it that made me suspicious so I checked the return address on google - it's a loans company. I confronted him when he got back from work and he admitted he's taken out another loan, again he wouldn't have told me about it if I hadn't found out.

I feel so enormously betrayed that he's been lying to me, especially as he knows how much I hate being lied to and how much I hate debt. I've asked him to move out temporarily so I can have some space but I really don't know what to do. He's such a brilliant dad to DD and I don't want to leave him but I can't trust him and have a horrible feeling that every time we had an argument I'd be throwing this back in his face, even if I think I'm ok with it. Frankly it's unimaginable at the moment that I'll ever be ok with it.

Help please!

Catspaws Mon 16-Apr-18 15:14:43

I think if you're going to stay together and move on from this a condition of it will have to be that he joins a formal programme to her get help. He's an addict - it's an illness, but the consequences could be dire for you. You could never trust him. I think you need to make it clear to him that for there to be any way forward he has to sign up to a programme for this.

TroubledLichen Mon 16-Apr-18 15:20:02

Firstly, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My uncle had a gambling problem (I say had as he’s now divorced from my aunt) so a lot of this sounds familiar. There’s a brilliant charity called Gam Care, please have a look at their website as they have some brilliant resources on there, including a number you can call (especially important if you feel like you’re struggling to talk to anyone in real life).

LemonBreeland Mon 16-Apr-18 15:22:41

He needs to understand that for you to even consider working on this, he needs to do the following.

1. Seek professional help for his addiction
2. Hand you control of his finances
3. Be open and honest with you

indecis Mon 16-Apr-18 15:37:22

I'll speak to him about getting help with the gambling addiction, it's something he needs to do whether we're together or not. As horrible as it is that at least feels manageable - especially if I can get him to talk to someone who knows about addiction. The thing I'm so lost about is the trust, I just can't believe he's been lying to me again. I still wouldn't know about the loans from half a year ago never mind the new one if I hadn't found out, he's admitted he was never going to tell me.

Mitel Mon 16-Apr-18 18:40:34

This is a difficult one. He shouldn't be gambling that much, that is obvious. However, if he had a nice win I am sure that you would enjoy that, assuming that he would share it.
Whilst you work out what to do about the loan, could you maybe work FT? Then if he does have another bet because he gets a good tip or something, you are not solely reliant on him if the bet loses? He should definitely bet less though.

Nquartz Mon 16-Apr-18 18:46:17

Personally i couldnt be married to someone i can't trust for whatever reason. You'll drive yourself mad checking his post, wondering what he's doing every time he's on his phone/the computer etc.
Could you separate whilst he seeks treatment? Would he go to gamblers anonymous or similar?

DewDropsonKittens Mon 16-Apr-18 19:05:34

He is not a brilliant dad, he is putting the roof over his child's head at risk by gambling away the money needed to keep her warm.

Yes he's an addict, yes he needs to seek help.

The deciet from hiding the letters, taking out loans and lying to you repeatedly shows that he is not in a position to change currently.

FindTheSilverLining Mon 16-Apr-18 19:14:38

Regarding the trust issue, I think you need to remember that is is clearly an addiction. Addicts don’t think rationally and in the moment won’t consider the lies and secrets that they’ll have to keep to hide their addiction. In the moment he will just be concerned with where he can get the money to gamble and not get caught. If it were me I’d be more concerned with him working through his addiction before the trust issue... from what you’ve said it sounds as though he has only ever lied to you about this issue, so hopefully if he can get past this addiction, you can rebuild the trust. It seems as though it will be a long and difficult journey for you both though...

HughLauriesStubble Mon 16-Apr-18 19:17:26

Sorry you're going through this op sad Do you think you can ever trust him again, and if not, then can you live with that in your relationship?

Either way, he needs to seek help flowers

Boulshired Mon 16-Apr-18 19:19:55

Luckily I did not have children with my gambling ex, I realised we had gone to far down the rabbit hole. I hated his gambling he couldn’t control is gambling and resented me for treating him like a child. The gambling was bad but the arranging loans was what killed it for us. He didn’t respect me enough to own up after the gambling and instead found other ways to deceive me.

OliviaBenson Mon 16-Apr-18 19:34:01

Check your credit ratings op. I'd be worried he'd affect yours. Do you know what/how he gambled the money?

BoomBoomsCousin Mon 16-Apr-18 19:37:09

You can't trust him and the only way you can protect your children the way you ought to is to treat your DH like a child, which is no good for any of you. I think gambling addiction is a deal breaker for marriage, especially one with children. Maybe, if the first time he got caught he'd got himself help and turned things around he'd be OK, but he's proved he's more interested in protecting his ability to gamble in secret than in tackling the problem on at least four occasions now. I would be looking at legal separation or divorce so that you are not responsible for any more debts he takes on. He is destroying the basis of a secure life for your children as well as you and you need to protect them. You don't necessarily have to leave him in a romantic sense, you could still "date". But separate homes, separate finances and you might find he's no longer what you're interested in romantically if he can't put you and his own children ahead of his addiction.

HoorayForHolidays Mon 16-Apr-18 19:46:22

He will ruin you. He won't stop until he has spent every penny and exhausted every avenue to obtain credit. He will lie and lie and lie to hide it from you. Take steps to protect yourself.

CheekyRedhead Mon 16-Apr-18 19:55:53

My friends husband started gambling while working away. She found out and he had cashed in pensions and lost about £10k. Months later she was suspicious. he was still gambling and after digging through all accounts she discovered he had gambled 38k of their money. They are now divorced as she can't trust him.

lindyhopy Mon 16-Apr-18 20:27:05

Sorry that you are going through this. I have two friends with ex- partners who were gambling addicts. It is a really serious addiction and not one that they have ever been able to control despite one of them having years of counselling. One was a manager and constantly stealing cash from work to gamble away, partner had to eventually replace all the cash and she made him quit and get a lower paid job where he didn't have access to cash. He's been in therapy for years and still struggles everyday, his sister still has to buy him food as all of his wages go on gambling (he's about 45 now). Other friend's partner sold her car behind her back to pay off debts, she ended it at that point.
What LemonBreeland said is correct unless he gets therapy AND you have total control of all his finances forever it won't work and you should get out now while you still have anything left.

indecis Mon 16-Apr-18 20:27:55

I could work FT but not at my current job. I’d need to put dd in nursery full time as well so we wouldn’t be in a much different situation financially. My fear is that I’ll become so paranoid that every tiny thing will become completely blown out of proportion to the point that I drive us both insane! I agree that I’d need to treat him like a child - not something that would be good for either of us I don’t think. If I can't find a way to trust him again then I wouldn't be able to live with him anymore.

The gambling was football betting, making bets of £100s on a “sure thing”then trying to recoup the money when he inevitably lost.

I want to help him get better but I am starting to feel like separation is the only way until I’m completely sure I can trust him. I definitely will need to divide the finances I think. Luckily our house is in joint names so he can’t take out a secret extra mortgage or anything, but just the thought that he probably would if he could makes me feel sick. My dd has a savings account as well that is in her name with only me as guardian so thankfully he can’t get to that money either. I’ll definitely check my credit score though, it hadn’t even occurred to me!

Aquamarine1029 Mon 16-Apr-18 20:31:09

There is only one option you can approve of. He gets help for his gambling problem and you have total, 100% control of your finances. Period. End of discussion. All of your money is in an account only you have access to, and his paycheck goes directly to you or is direct deposit. You will handle all of the bills and he will get a very, VERY moderate allowance.

He has betrayed you horribly and he can not be trusted. If you don't draw a very firm line, he will eventually take you down with him. He either agrees to the above or your marriage is over.

Ansumpasty Mon 16-Apr-18 20:33:29

My husband got himself in a mess like this. He had to admit to himself, and me, that he had an addiction and a problem. We blocked access to his gambling sites and i took control of his salary. All money was paid into my account and I gave him a certain amount each week to cover what he actually needed but nothing more that could then go towards gambling. This sounds ridiculous but it’s the way he wanted it to be to help him break the addiction and recover and it worked.
I’m always on the look out for signs he’s gambling again, though, even a few years down the line.

bastardkitty Mon 16-Apr-18 20:34:43

*This is a difficult one. He shouldn't be gambling that much, that is obvious. However, if he had a nice win I am sure that you would enjoy that, assuming that he would share it.
Whilst you work out what to do about the loan, could you maybe work FT? Then if he does have another bet because he gets a good tip or something, you are not solely reliant on him if the bet loses? He should definitely bet less though.*

Please ignore every word of this terrible advice.

Ýour H has a serious gambling problem and you need to take drastic steps to protect your home and assets before he loses everything. You should apply to experian or similar to see your credit history to see what else he has done that you have not discovered yet.

boringbertha Mon 16-Apr-18 20:40:11

I would echo what HoorayForHolidays said.... gamblers lie and lie and lie. They are forever chasing their losses and will spend theirs and yours last penny. It is a compulsion that doesn't relent. I know it sounds dramatic but this will ruin you. Please take steps to protect yourself.

DrMadelineMaxwell Mon 16-Apr-18 20:43:03

My friend's husband had (and probably still has) a gambling addiction. He remortgaged the house without her knowledge and spent the lot on gambling. Then, when desperately trying to recoup his losses, he spent £50K of funds from his work. He was arrested and imprisoned. They have split up as she just can't bring herself to trust him again. He's lost his career, his home and his family.

dangermouseisace Mon 16-Apr-18 20:47:45

He’s lied and lied again, personally I would ask him to move out until he’s dealt with his addiction and cleared his debts. But I’m biased- I had a husband that racked up tens of thousands in debts and I stupidly worked to help pay them off, and when I’d done that he ran off with someone else.

If you’re on your own you will know the mortgage/rent will be paid and you’ll probably get tax credits etc so should have enough to live on. By all means support him to get treatment and be a good friend, but you’ve already lost your savings to his addiction, don’t lose any more.

Floottoot Mon 16-Apr-18 20:57:23

I went through a similar scenario with my DH some years ago. It wasn't gambling but the pattern of behaviour was the same - the deceit, the consequent lack of trust, the debt etc.
It nearly broke us BUT he sought help, we both found a better understanding of his behaviour (in his case, it stemmed from childhood sexual abuse and not being able to admit when things were going badly for him). In the short term, we agreed that all superintendent through our joint account and he have me his bank card for his own account. It worked but it's not recommended; overcoming addiction doesn't work simply by removing temptation or access. The real break through came from understanding why he was behaving as he was and working to change that.

I won't lie, it took blood, sweat and tears and I do will never completely stop worrying he could call off the wagon, as it were, but our relationship is stronger for going through it and working through it together and he has been able to tackle a lot of demons he now knows we re the cause.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 16-Apr-18 20:58:01

Divorce, it's the only way in my opinion. I'm a child of a gambling father, I have three brothers and I'm estranged from my father for some 20 years. I wish my mum had had the guts to get rid of him. You haven't mentioned children but I really hope that you won't have them with this loser.

Your husband has already said that he doesn't want help. He's so out of control that he's blown his salary twice, taken out loans without you knowing and he will not hesitate to continue lying to you to support his gambling habit.

It's the one addiction that I have zero sympathy for and even if you do - there's no need for you to run tandem with it, you can support your husband from afar, he's not interested in anything but his addiction, pathetic man.

Sorry OP, I'm hugely projecting, I know it, but my mum isn't the mum she wanted to be because of my waste of oxygen father. Please look at your options and give yourself a deadline by which you are able to trust your husband again or you will have left... he's not worth it.

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