BF's kids' behaviour

[cheeseycrackers]

Name changed for this. Sorry it's long.

Easter monday was the only 'festive' day of the holidays that I had with my two daughters (9 and 10) as they were with their dad for the rest of it and a large portion of the school holidays itself. As such we all wanted Easter Monday as our celebration day and just wanted to be on our own. BF was wanting to come over with his kids and join us for the day and stay overnight (nowhere for them to sleep but beside the point) I explained that it was the only day we had as a family over Easter weekend and was sorry but we'd see them all another time instead. Part of the reason for this is that my older kids don't really like his kids which makes it difficult for me. BF was upset saying we didn't want them there so I felt guilty and compromised on them coming over late afternoon for pizza and a film. No overnight stay.

Possibly good to point out: due to the way things work out with when we both have our kids, our respective kids don't see each other very often at all (about 5 times so far in 9 months) and they don't see my BF very often either.
On previous occasions their behaviour has been challenging so for this visit I insisted that there was no climbing or jumping on the furniture, bouncing on the furniture or climbing on the kitchen work surfaces. BF agreed to these house rules and said he would make sure they understood.

Anyway, my BF spent Easter Sunday morning with me and my little boy who is 2 (different dad) but then went to his parents with his kids (6 and 8) for the rest of the day once he'd picked them up from his ex mid-morning.

Fast forward to Easter Monday and they arrive, we give them their Easter eggs and we put on the film my kids thought would be the best for all the ages.

After about 5 minutes the youngest starts doing karate and kick boxing moves in the middle of the lounge blocking everyone's view of the tv. Her dad tells her to sit down and she ignores him. I ask her to sit down, she ignores me. My kids tell her they can't see the tv and to sit down and stop jumping around. Ignored. Meanwhile her brother has ants in his pants and is bouncing on his bum on the sofa and climbing around on it. BF tells his daughter if she doesn't sit down and watch the film they will be going home. She ignores him, carries on and he does nothing. In the end we give up watching the film and I order pizza.

Everyone sits at the table for dinner. Immediate sulking from the daughter as I've sat her and her brother either side of their dad. Last time they came and sat next to my youngest they were messing about so much at the table that he started choking on his food. It was really scary and not wanting a repeat of that I insisted that the seating arrangement was different. The daughter spent most of the meal curled up on her chair crying and refusing to eat. Dad did nothing apart from say her name in an "Oh Daisy (not her real name)" kind of placating way. I was getting annoyed by this point as her brother was all over the place at the table so my daughters were getting annoyed too especially as their film was already ruined and now dinner was too. My LB finished his dinner so in order to get "Daisy" to eat I moved him round to sit next to her and lo and behold she bounces up and eats some dinner!

As soon as dinner is over my BF announces they are leaving. He had left his Easter egg from me and the kids at mine so picked it up along with theirs. His was bigger than theirs (he told me only to get them a small one as in his opinion they didn't need to be any more hyper from loads of sugar). His daughter turns to me and demands to know why her dad has got a bigger egg than her and tells me it's not fair. Maybe I shouldn't have got him a bigger one but they only did that particular egg in one size. She was really rude and I was quite taken aback. I told her not to speak to me like that and my BF just said, "Daisy!" with a look of embarrassment. He apologised but she didn't. She did something similar on her birthday complaining about the cake her dad had asked me to make for her wasn't the kind she wanted and had I got her anything else it was it just the one present. However she's only 6, I'm her dad's first girlfriend since her parents split (BF says she loves me) and therefore I didn't say anything to him about it.

So off they went home and my daughters begged me not to invite them again!

Did I handle things badly? What could I have done differently to make things better and enjoyable? How can I get my BF to understand that we all find his kids' behaviour awful? Is it unreasonable to not want them to visit us again? ?!

[Branleuse]

i think youre on a hiding to nowhere with this one if the kids already dont get on and hes ignoring your requests

[QueenDaisy]

You need to end the relationship, it’s not going to work.

[Aquamarine1029]

This relationship is in big trouble.

[Lemontart25]

I think you need to have a serious sir down chat with your bf without any of the kids about & set some very firm rules. Thankfully he doesn't live with you so if things fail to change you can keep his children separate to your life & then hopefully he will get the message to tackle their behaviour better. Good luck.. I feel for you kids having to put up with them!

[ClownPockets]

I'm in a similar position but I live with my bf and it's been a year. I'm v strict and he isn't. We talk a lot about behaviour and I've gradually got him to understand that all the kids have to behave with manners and respect. It certainly isn't doomed but you have to put your foot down about it now

[Birdsgottafly]

You sacrificed time with your children, because that's what your BF wanted. I think you have to think about that in itself, tbh.

This relationship isn't going to work if he insists on putting you all together.

There's a clash of personalities between your children and his. Only he can say if it's the adjustment of the split and you on the scene, or they behave like that generally.

He has to accept that it's way too soon to be trying to blend the family and you carry on without the children being in the mix.

[JustMarriedBecca]

Your kids don't like his kids? Can't see this working to be honest. Sorry.
Sounds like you parent very differently.

[KalaLaka]

I can imagine similar behaviour from my children and my friends' children at that age. Doesn't seem particularly bad, but your children may be very different so it's out of your comfort zone. This can be very much down to temperament and personality, rather than parenting.

You didn't do anything wrong, but you need to change your expectations a bit. Don't expect lots of quiet sitting (film and dinner) so only meet to do stuff that suits them better (park?).

[ItsNachoCheese]

It doesnt sound like things will go well

[Returnofthesmileybar]

You went wrong by letting them come over in the first place tbh. After the movie I would have quietly said it was time to go and ordered the pizza with my own kids

[ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo]

Well I just wouldn’t have them back again. What that would mean for your relationship, I don’t know. But don’t be a doormat.

[Fridasfridgefreezer]

Can you imagine living together!?

If you can have a relationship without your children having to spend time together, maybe it could work, I don’t know. Sounds like hard work though.

[Aprilmightbemynewname]

You aren't on the same page with parenting ideas.
You being a good one and him being Disney Dad.. Do you +your dc a favour and ltb.
No happy ending in store op.

[Viviennemary]

It doesn't sound great. But sometimes kids in ordinary families don't get on that well and misbehave and have fights. But at least when your own children misbehave you can tell them off. I don't think I'd be in a hurry to invite them back.

[happypoobum]

I don't really understand why you backed down and were bullied into doing what he wanted tbh. You already saw him on Easter Sunday.

I think you owe your DC a big apology.

Boyfriend sounds a bit wet. I would bin him.

[BaddumTsss]

"Is it unreasonable to not want them to visit us again?"

Yes, they're his kids. Would you be ok if he said he didn't want any of your kids around when you see each other? Of course you wouldn't, no matter how badly behaved they are.

I'm not excusing his parenting btw, he needs to grow some balls and nip the bratty behaviour in the bud.

You need to talk to him and explain his kids behaviour is clearly challenging and it's affecting your kids enjoyment of their home and time with you. If he wants the relationship he has to be a bit more proactive on the discipline front (and you have to allow him the time and support- his kids are still young and clearly struggling to adjust to the new family dynamic)

If he makes no real effort to discipline them though, I'd call it a day on the relationship. You can't possibly have a meaningful equal relationship if you ban his kids from visiting and being a part of the family.

[Mamabear4180]

It's not going to work.

[colditz]

No this can't go on, you're going to end up as the Mother Gothel to Daisy's Rapunzel

[lattewith3shotsplease]

OP,
You put your BF and his DC before your DC ..........not good at all.

From friends who've has similar issues the relationship never works out in the end.

BF children sound awful..

[Gemini69]

End the relationship.. he can't cope with his own kids needs without adding the two sets of kids together.... this can only end badly... and you're not a bad person.. your only human OP..

[stitchglitched]

I can imagine a 6 year old getting a bit overexcited and showing off a bit in these circumstances with relatively new people including older kids, doesn't seem that bad to me tbh. But it's clear you have different ideas about behaviour etc and your kids don't like them so if you want to continue the relationship then just see him when you are both child free.

[cheeseycrackers]

I compromised by saying they could come round for 2 and a half hours rather than what he wanted which was to spend the day and the night with us. My dc were ok with pizza and a film and the fact they'd be here only a short time as we had the rest of the day together. He told me his daughter was desperate to see me again so I felt bad saying no because the message was clear that I'd be disappointing a child as well as him and they all wanted to see us so to say no would make me unreasonable. I feel really bad now that it went wrong. His kids behave like this all the time apparently and his ex frequently argues with him over their behaviour and her perceived lack of discipline at his house. To be fair to her every time he tells them the consequence of continuing to misbehave and every time they carry on with that behaviour and every time he does nothing except get extremely frustrated and yell and there are no consequences whatsoever. I've tried talking to him but he says what he's doing is working

[user1474652148]

This isn’t going to work for any of you. Sorry.
End it and focus on your dc. I sense this is what you want to do anyway.
You will have decades of conflict and ill feeling, it can never be worth it

[Returnofthesmileybar]

But him laying on a guilt trip and bringing his child into it this was reasonable? More like emotional blackmail. My point was only that you didn't want them there, your kids wanted the day with you, you should have stuck to your guns. Sounds to me like he doesn't want to parent his kids and wanted to bring them to yours so he could not bothering parenting them with company instead of not bothering on his own. It all just sounds very unfair on your kids but God forbid it's unfair to his (even though you you wouldn't have been)

[seventh]

I compromised by saying they could come round for 2 and a half hours rather than what he wanted which was to spend the day and the night with us.

And I think it's obvious now that you should have said no. No compromise