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AIBU to uninvite SIL to my sons christening?

(246 Posts)
IHateToCashew Sun 08-Apr-18 11:59:29

I'll try not to be too long. So please, stay with me!

SIL for lack of a better word is a complete cow. She's been vile to me for the last six years. She refused to speak to me at mine and DH's (her brother's) wedding. She ignores me whenever I try to make conversation. She never asks how I am, doesn't know when my birthday is, has absolutely zero interest in me yet I'm expected to know the ins and outs of her life. She spent most of my wedding bitching about me and the day to our guests. She treated me and DH like dirt after a miscarriage that resulted in me not wanting to attend a family even with several new babies. She claimed because we didn't go we 'make no effort to see family'. We visit at least every other weekend.

MIL is no better, but she doesn't slag me off behind my back that I know about so she's more tolerable.

Fast forward to when DS was born a few months ago. She's the same, but obsessed with him. I hate it. I hate having to put up with being ignored while she plays with DS for the sake of family relations. But I deal with it for DH's sake. I still make the effort, ask her about her life, and try to get to know her better. I really really try because I know how DH wishes we were closer.

Last weekend I absolutely lost my shit. We popped round to visit GPIL and she was there and kicked off that we hadn't told her we were visiting. I snapped, and she left. DH's grandfather then had the nerve to have a go at me FOR NOT INCLUDING HER IN MY SONS LIFE AND NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH. It was completely misplaced, but I'm ashamed to say I just saw red blush I have spent nearly seven years trying to make conversation, inviting her to things, inviting her to see DS when I visit her hometown. She spent my entire pregnancy having tantrums at nearly 30 years of ageing anyone had the nerve to ask me anything about the baby. I shouted. I really shouted about how they as a family had the nerve to ask me to try any harder. I said I welcomed any suggestions they had as to 'how I can try harder'. I then said I was done with SIL. I've had enough. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted by trying to win her over.

Anyway. I don't want her at the christening. Put bluntly, she makes every event we host completely and utterly shit with her behaviour. I don't want her near DS, despite how much she loves him, I just don't feel like he should grow up watching DH's sister treat me like crap.

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

Thoughts?

Alwayslumpyporridge Sun 08-Apr-18 12:04:39

What was the response from your outburst last weekend?

Enidblyton1 Sun 08-Apr-18 12:05:49

Why do you think she behaves like this?

I think by not inviting her to the Christening, you are stopping to her level. But her behaviour is awful. Is she like this with anyone else, or just you? Is it jealousy? I would try to get to the bottom of why she is like this and see if you can do anything to change the situation. Have you tried being overly nice to her and seeing if it makes a difference? It would be easy to exclude her and make the situation worse - might make you feel better initially, but this is your DHs close family. What does DH make of it all?

chocolateworshipper Sun 08-Apr-18 12:07:15

That's a difficult one. If you uninvite her - how is it going to affect your relationship with your DH? Also, how are the rest of your ILs going to behave on the day if she's not there - would the atmosphere be even worse? Could someone be on duty on the day to ensure she behaves instead?

winterisstillcoming Sun 08-Apr-18 12:08:03

It sounds like you two need to have a chat. I'd pull her up as diplomatically as I can and explain to her and DH if necessary that she is not invited to the christening for xyz reasons. You can, if you want tell her that you expect her to behave civilly if she comes, and give her the opportunity to say she is busy that day so she can save face and people can assume that you did invite her but she couldn't come. That is the ideal scenario.

My SIL tries to make sure that I am busy and arranges her get togethers so I can't come as she doesn't like me. Maybe this is an option?

If you openly not invite her you will be the bad one.

Wonkydonkey44 Sun 08-Apr-18 12:08:51

I wouldn’t have her there , it’s meant to be a happy occasion and it won’t be with her attitude and snide comments. .

If she was anyone else you wouldn’t up with the shit you have and your OH needs to man up and tell her to grow up.

stitchglitched Sun 08-Apr-18 12:09:46

Has your DH ever addressed his sister's treatment of you? I think that is a bigger issue than the Christening tbh. Although I can understand why you snapped- I wouldn't want someone who treated me so badly involved in such a special day or all over my baby either.

Userplusnumbers Sun 08-Apr-18 12:09:55

Certainly disengage with her, if she doesn't want to speak to you, don't speak to her. If she kicks off, just ignore the behaviour.

Don't give her the ammo of disinviting her. Your DH needs to step up and deal with it TBH.

RancidOldHag Sun 08-Apr-18 12:14:18

You can't uninvite from the church, so if she wants to attend the Christening you can't actually stop her.

Any gathering afterwards is a different matter, though without the assistance of vicar, churchwarden or similar, it's actually quite difficult to keep someone out of a church hall. Though perhaps you could earn the godparents and they could form a human cordon that neutralises her.

Your home of course is the easiest venue for refreshments for people who have travelled for the Christening. Have you actually decided where you'll toast the newborn, and then feed/water people who have a journey ahead of them before they set off?

Have you ac

HolyMountain Sun 08-Apr-18 12:15:22

I would back down regarding withdrawing an invite to the christening, I'm assuming she's not a Godparent either?

I wouldn't tolerate being treated like this and I echo a pp who says your dh needs to back you up and tell his sister to either be civil and polite or risk not seeing your ds at all.

LittleOwl153 Sun 08-Apr-18 12:16:44

How long is it to the christening? Have you paid for stuff such as food or are relatives co,ing fro afar so boomed hotels etc? If you can do so without cost I would postpone the christening. These things are meant to be happy occasikns ot something to be got through.

I would then have a long conversation with dh, come to an agreement between you as to how you are going to deal with his family including sil. It's important you come to an agreement you are both happy with as they are his family but you should not be treated like you appear to be either. If this continues it will destroy your relationship.

incywincybitofa Sun 08-Apr-18 12:18:06

Is she much younger than your DH?
I think as long as no one pulls her up on her behaviour then she will carry on. In fact she may well have a bit of a laugh when told about your release of pent up frustration.
Your DH is the key figure here, if you are making all that effort for him, he needs to make an effort as well and show her behaviour is not OK.
I think if you keep trying to make conversation you offer her the opportunity to ignore you. So stop asking about her life. Stop remembering her birthday. Stop making the effort, it will then be more apparent how much effort you were making. This doesn't have to be angry or aggressive, it doesn't have to be confrontational.
Let her see what it's like for you not to involve her in any plans.
But don't uninvite her, because you will be opening up a family war rather than fighting a specific battle, the people who will care the most are your in-laws, and your SIL will milk that.

TomRavenscroft Sun 08-Apr-18 12:19:44

I think she's a cunt with a long history of cunt behaviour and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Tell your DH this and tell him to deal with his sister. He can uninvite her and he can deal with it if she does turn up.

If the rest of the family support her, so be it. I wouldn't bother with any of them.

Queenio24 Sun 08-Apr-18 12:20:42

I agree that you shouldn't uninvited her. As you are in a 'truth telling mode' at the moment could you tell her and you MIL & FIL she is welcome but you will not tolerate any bitching behind your back or snidey comments. Set your stall out now and let them know you are in to her?

Queenio24 Sun 08-Apr-18 12:21:00

On to her- not into her!

Whenyouseeit Sun 08-Apr-18 12:22:06

If your DH has let it get to this stage & even when you snap tells you you cant uninvite her then he is the problem. The things you describe are big things. What kind of person doesnt act to protect someone they love from this?

And no, I dont think it is healthy for children to watch their parents be mistreated - and to watch the other parent accept it.

I would tell DH that you are very open to him finding another solution - e.g. him standing up for you & telling her this behaviour stops - but from this point on you are not accepting it.

I genuinely think it would be a watershed moment for me. If he thinks its ok for ds to be fawned over while you are ignored, allows you to abused at your wedding & post a miscarriage then I would see refusing to change as divorce worthy.

Lonesurvivor Sun 08-Apr-18 12:22:36

I would get dh to tell her that she treats you with respect or she stays away. That he will no longer tolerate her contempt of you.

Does anyone in his family, himself included really not see what she's like to you.
Why were gpil pulling you up rather than her?

CheeseyToast Sun 08-Apr-18 12:23:45

So what did everyone say after your big shout? Because I'd be surprised if they want to attend if that's what really happened.

Sounds like a hideous family.

ElsieMc Sun 08-Apr-18 12:24:15

Yes your dh needs to back you up. You have done all you can and now you cannot do any more to accommodate her. It is finished. Your dh needs to back you up, why are his feelings more important than yours? I don't understand why he has stood by for so long letting her mistreat you, his wife and mother of his baby. She will only spoil the christening with her attention seeking behaviour.

I don't understand why she thinks she has a right to spend time with your baby while treating you like this. How does this enhance your child's life? It doesn't. It causes upset and stress.

You might have to be prepared for your pil's not attending though. I am sorry you are in this position - have been there myself - but you cannot go back now and you deserve better.

NewYearNewMe18 Sun 08-Apr-18 12:24:16

DH says I can't uninvite her. I say I can.

And what does your DH think? Does he want his sister at special event in his childs life? does he want to ostracise his entire family? Ultimately it's down to your DH to control this issue with his family.

Frankly - it ironically tickles me that the christening - the induction of a child into a CHRISTIAN lifestyle seems to have a complete shower of unchristian and intolerant people.

I'm always curious about the other side of the story in these instances because you've lumped in and slagged MIL off for no reason

LagunaBubbles Sun 08-Apr-18 12:25:17

Why isn't your DH speaking to her about how she treats you?

IHateToCashew Sun 08-Apr-18 12:28:04

I'll try to answer all of your questions! Thank you all so much for replying.

The christening is booked. We both have large families who all want to attend, so I've hired a hall, sorted out light catering, etc. I could see if we're able to move things about in terms of dates, but we have family travelling quite far to attend who have booked leave from work to make it here; so I'd feel really bad cancelling or moving the date.

I've tried a few times over the years to chat with her about it. She just ignores me or walks away. I've even chatted with MIL to see if she can offer any insight into what I'm doing that's so offensive, but she just says 'that's just how SIL is'. DH says the same. I cry over how appallingly his family treat me. He does nothing. He doesn't want confrontation but I'll happily have a go at anyone these days.

There was NO response to my outburst. But to be fair I didn't give anyone a chance to cut in. Nearly seven years of rage just spilled out. I'm incredibly ashamed of my behaviour, honestly. I'm normally really laid back so I think it caught them off guard.

I don't want to uninvite her. Honestly. I just want everyone to get along and have a nice day. But she ruined my wedding, ruined our anniversary party, engagement party, and the days after my sons birth. I just want one nice social occasion where I'm not being slagged off to all and sundry.

Idontdowindows Sun 08-Apr-18 12:29:24

You can try to uninvite her, but churches are generally open to anyone.

You and your husband need to sit down and get on the same page here.

CaledonianQueen Sun 08-Apr-18 12:30:37

Your DH is a coward for not defending you and allowing his sister to treat you like dirt for all these years! I would say no more, he needs to get his act together and defend you as his wife, or you will refuse to have his sister in your house or near your ds.

The sister sounds very much like a narcissist, likely her Mother is too and your DH and other family members have spent their entire lives placating them, in order to keep the peace. You are now seen as the unreasonable one because you refuse to tolerate her despicable behaviour. You don't need to put up with this, your SIL has made it very clear that she can't stand you, she doesn't get to play the doting Aunt when she treats you like dirt! Either she shapes up or she ships out. Your DH should put you and your son first and if he refuses to, then you need to decide whether you want to stay married to a man who allows his family to abuse you and treat you like dirt!

Disclaimer I have been in this situation with my MIL , FIL and BIL, we have been NC for years now and it honestly saved our marriage!

TomRavenscroft Sun 08-Apr-18 12:31:26

I'm incredibly ashamed of my behaviour, honestly. You really mustn't be.

I just want everyone to get along and have a nice day... I just want one nice social occasion where I'm not being slagged off to all and sundry.

Bluntly, you are not going to get one. She WILL behave just as she has always behaved. Why do you think she might change after seven years?

she just says 'that's just how SIL is'. DH says the same. I cry over how appallingly his family treat me. He does nothing. He doesn't want confrontation

You need a cards-on-the-table conversation. You will not tolerate being treated like this and not backed up by your husband any longer. If they do not treat you civilly they will no longer see your DS. It is on his head to sort it out.

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