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My baby not our baby

(224 Posts)
Babybarclay Sun 08-Apr-18 10:39:55

A little context so I try not to drip feed:
My mother-in-law was an only child so she's used to getting what she wants and this has carried on throughout her adult life. She has two children and was quite a strict parent. She and my husband's dad got divorced about 10 years ago when the kids are all grown up. She's living quite a luxurious lifestyle travelling about a lot but gets annoyed when my husband doesn't ring on at least three times a week to say hi. When we got married my husband made a point of living in the same area as her so she wouldn't get lonely.......
Anyway me and her son got married a couple of years ago and we now have a baby. And she constantly refers to my baby as our baby. This annoyed me a bit as I grew up with a lot of children and it's my first baby so it's a big deal for me ! Yes she is the grandmother and it's her family too so I brushed the our bits off thinking I was being silly....

But am I being unreasonable to get annoyed when she starts saying "my baby my baby" when she's talking about... well my baby not hers?? X

Mydogsanasshole Sun 29-Apr-18 23:11:20

My MIL refers to my son as ‘my boy’ as in ‘Where’s my boy?’, ‘how’s my boy been?’ It doesn’t bother me at all. She waited 17 years for this grandchild she thought she would never get and I’m just delighted she adores him as much as we do.

Beenherebefore Wed 11-Apr-18 14:30:52

It IS her baby though, in a way. It's HER grandchild, HER child's child. I'd be pleased she felt this way, taking an interest, loving her grandchild etc. You're being petty but then I don't think this is just about her calling YOUR child 'OUR baby' or you wouldn't have felt the need to tell us so much about her being an only child and luxurious lifestyle (what the chuffing hell has that got to do with the price of fish?!)

MullinerSpec Wed 11-Apr-18 11:46:43

I'm afraid I'm on the side of your mother in-law on this. Its the families baby, and the old saying "it takes a village to raise a child" is something that society has forgotten. Just my 2 pence worth.

MaryMcCarthy Wed 11-Apr-18 11:34:39

"She’s an only child so used to getting what she wants...

...but I’m annoyed she won’t do what I want!"

MaryMcCarthy Wed 11-Apr-18 11:07:04

YABU. Grow up.

MissEliza Tue 10-Apr-18 21:01:33

CathF trust me I'm not the controlling one. These remarks may sound daft taken out of context but if I told you the stuff I let my MIL do in my first few years of marriage, you'd think I was a silly bitch for putting up with it.

MismatchedStripySocks Tue 10-Apr-18 20:13:02

You’re being a bit precious OP grin

I call my DN ‘My little <name>’ I don’t for one minute think she’s mine!

Gottagetmoving Tue 10-Apr-18 18:56:26

When people feel annoyed at things like this, why don't they ever think about or consider WHY this annoys them ?
It doesn't annoy everyone, so why are you annoyed but others arent?
Instead of blaming them and judging what they do as wrong why not look at your real reasons for feeling annoyed? or wonder what the other person would post about the situation from their side of it?

Alibaba87 Tue 10-Apr-18 17:57:56

I think it’s difficult to get a real idea of the situation/little things that happen that maybe aren’t mentioned in a post. My MIL says ‘my’ all the time, it didn’t fuss me to start with as it’s a term of endearment. However little behaviours start to add up and something I used to not even think about grates on me. e.g. ‘what are we going to do about childcare for my little baba?’ ‘We (MIL and FIL) are taking her out to lunch on Saturday to meet some friends, you’re welcome to come’?! Also answering strangers questions about her before I get a chance or correcting me on those answers if I do manage to answer! I heard her speaking to one of her mates the other day (whilst holding baby) discussing when she thought she’d start weaning her and with what food. Maybe this isn’t the situation in the original post, but I know now I feel far different about innocent phrases after a culmination of these little behaviours. I still just put it down to an excited grandma, but it is annoying.

ButchyRestingFace Tue 10-Apr-18 17:37:51

I was reading away at the thread, nodding my head in agreement with everyone and thinking what a total embarrassment OP has made of herself...

...And then I arrived at Joanna57's post of 18.49.

confused

Consequently I have completely changed my mind and now not only can see where the OP is coming from but totally AGREE.

Has that ever happened to anyone else? confused

Good work, Joanna57! grin wine

notacooldad Tue 10-Apr-18 17:21:38

*

It drives me insane. It's MY baby, I carried it, birthed it and care for it 24-7, my body is worse for ware for it
So a dad can't say my baby or My son because he didn't carry it, give birth, maybe working so not there 24/7 and their bodies aren't worse for having a child!!
Hmmm interesting perspective!

TinaTop Tue 10-Apr-18 17:08:11

My mother often calls DS "my boy" or "my baby" and it doesn't bother me. I'd be annoyed if MIL did it though. Probably because I hate her. OP are your feelings more to do with the person saying it than what's being said?

Coyoacan Tue 10-Apr-18 17:01:51

Ironically, it does sound that the ones who get all possessive and outraged about someone else simply using a term of endearment about their child, and daring to pick it up, have all the makings for future possessive and controlling MILs themselves in the future

That did cross my mind

cathf Tue 10-Apr-18 17:01:48

I agree Hadron. It's ironic that the pps complaining about their 'controlling' relatives appear to be very controlling themselves.
I'm sure they will be convinced they are not controlling, but really, they should read their own posts.

HadronCollider Tue 10-Apr-18 16:30:52

It drives me insane. It's MY baby, I carried it, birthed it and care for it 24-7, my body is worse for ware for it

Ironically, it does sound that the ones who get all possessive and outraged about someone else simply using a term of endearment about their child, and daring to pick it up, have all the makings for future possessive and controlling MILs themselves in the future.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 10-Apr-18 16:26:00

I think there's quite a few control freaks on this thread and I am not talking about the MILs.

cathf Tue 10-Apr-18 16:23:38

MissEliza, do you have any idea how daft your post makes you sound?
To be honest, it makes you sound like the controlling one, not your MIL.

MissEliza Tue 10-Apr-18 16:07:16

My MIL does this but in a different way, like do you remember when dgs was a baby and WE would try to feed him fish and he'd spit it out? Erm no. I remember feeding him and don't recall you being involved. Or when are WE going to cut dgd's hair? It can get even more serious, as in referring to financial or practical decisions we've had to make. It is part of her controlling nature.

Coyoacan Tue 10-Apr-18 13:19:56

It drives me insane. It's MY baby

Sorry, I find this attitude a bit weird and frightening. We do not own other human beings, even if they are our children.

I felt that instinctive thing when mine was newborn where it was very, very hard to see someone else holding them, but really our children are safer the more people that are there to love them and look out for them.

cathf Tue 10-Apr-18 11:43:29

I find the weird behaviour, but it seems to be relatively commonplace on MN. Certainly whenever there is a post along these lines, the op gets a fair bit of support from like-minded posters.
The only explanation I can find for this strange possessiveness is immaturity and inadvertent attention seeking.
I think pregnancy and being a new mum are revered now in a way they weren't in the past, and I sometimes think mum gets used to being the centre of attention and being treated like a princess.
As the baby comes out of the newborn stage, the attention starts to wane a bit and mum tries to cling on to the thing she has that brings her the attention - the baby.
I am probably talking nonsense - and I am sure I will be told so - but it makes sense to me anyway.

TwoDogs9 Tue 10-Apr-18 10:33:51

I can sympathise OP. It is annoying. My MIL used to do it and it irritated me at the time. But MIL got ill last year and passed away and now I’d do anything to have her back calling my DS “her” baby sad

Cicera Tue 10-Apr-18 08:51:13

I realise I'm in the minority, but I do think it's weird (and would annoy the tits off me), if someone was talking about 'our' or 'my' baby, when it was actually mine!

Perhaps it's a regional thing, but it would just sound really strange and jarring.

Gottagetmoving Tue 10-Apr-18 08:42:55

I think some mothers are terrified their baby will love someone more than them?
It's natural to feel protective of your baby but to see your mil as a rival for 'ownership' of your child is silly.
Just relax and know you have a bond stronger than anyone else with your baby and no amount of anyone else calling your baby 'mine' will make not one jot of difference.

GreatDuckCookery6211 Tue 10-Apr-18 08:04:45

It drives me insane. It's MY baby, I carried it, birthed it and care for it 24-7, my body is worse for ware for

Yes you know that. Your MIL knows that. Everyone knows that. How does anyone else saying my baby take any of that away?

ChickenMom Tue 10-Apr-18 05:59:54

YABU. I always say “hello my darlings” to friends kids. Doesn’t mean I think they are mine or want to own them. It’s a term of endearment

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