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My baby not our baby

(224 Posts)
Babybarclay Sun 08-Apr-18 10:39:55

A little context so I try not to drip feed:
My mother-in-law was an only child so she's used to getting what she wants and this has carried on throughout her adult life. She has two children and was quite a strict parent. She and my husband's dad got divorced about 10 years ago when the kids are all grown up. She's living quite a luxurious lifestyle travelling about a lot but gets annoyed when my husband doesn't ring on at least three times a week to say hi. When we got married my husband made a point of living in the same area as her so she wouldn't get lonely.......
Anyway me and her son got married a couple of years ago and we now have a baby. And she constantly refers to my baby as our baby. This annoyed me a bit as I grew up with a lot of children and it's my first baby so it's a big deal for me ! Yes she is the grandmother and it's her family too so I brushed the our bits off thinking I was being silly....

But am I being unreasonable to get annoyed when she starts saying "my baby my baby" when she's talking about... well my baby not hers?? X

Babybarclay Sun 08-Apr-18 11:02:46

I didn't mean to cause offence about the only child thing she is just very spoilt and this comes across in a lot of things in her life. She has a lot of friends and a lot of family but nearly disowned my husband but considering moving further away from her!
So we move closer to her
At the birth you literally had to hold her back from picking up my baby (who was in a incubator )

So I guess I'm asking more of how would you address this because I think if she keeps acting the way she does she's going to push yourself more and more and more onto my child

Xxx

TerfsUp Sun 08-Apr-18 11:03:46

YABU.

DeadButDelicious Sun 08-Apr-18 11:03:55

My mother-in-law was an only child so she's used to getting what she wants and this has carried on throughout her adult life.

I don't see what her being an only child or her divorce/holidays has to do with a turn of phrase?

I live in the north, family remembers are routinely referred to as 'our' or 'my'. My mum calls my DD 'our girl' or 'my girl' and it really isn't an issue.

I think you're being a bit precious and unreasonable and may be letting other feelings you have toward your MIL colour your view on this. Do you get on otherwise?

TidyDancer Sun 08-Apr-18 11:04:46

It sounds like you're looking for reasons to dislike her tbh. You are being quite precious about this. Sounds like a grandmother who loves her grandchild a lot - that's not a bad thing. Saying 'our baby' is correct really as well, it's a well used term of affection for a baby in the family. Both my DCs get called it.

Brokenbiscuit Sun 08-Apr-18 11:05:09

I didn't mean to cause offence about the only child thing she is just very spoilt and this comes across in a lot of things in her life.

When you find yourself in a hole, it's generally a good strategy to stop digging...

abigailsnan Sun 08-Apr-18 11:06:30

I don't think you are unreasonable just a wee bit sensitive to the trem MIL is using.
I call all my DGCs my baby girl/boy and always have done it has never been taken in the wrong way but different families have different terms of endearment .When my eldest DGS phones me even now I refer to him as my handsome boy and he is now 27.

eurochick Sun 08-Apr-18 11:09:42

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Mydoghatesthebath Sun 08-Apr-18 11:09:44

Gosh I call my grandson ‘nannas baby boy’ when i am cuddling him. I am neither spoilt or rich unfortunately wink

It’s a fairly common expression I don’t Expect she’s plotting to steal him op.

annandale Sun 08-Apr-18 11:11:52

Having a baby is a good time to reassess prejudices and open your life to new ideas. In a few years your baby (singular or plural) is going to be repeating all your prejudiced opinions back to you. How you will cringe if we meet and your little cherub says to me 'He's an only child isn't he? I bet he's really spoiled and never learned to share' and I give you extremely well-deserved evils as I contemplate my son, who yes is my extremely precious only but who has already been through more shit than any child should have to due to his dad's chronic illness and death, which is why we have an only. So I would say learn to love your MIL because she clearly loves your child and a child can never have too many loving adults in their life even if imperfect.

ladymariner Sun 08-Apr-18 11:11:56

Absolutely what eurochick said!

And yes, yabu.

MrsAJ27 Sun 08-Apr-18 11:12:03

Surely you have more important things to worry/think about?

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer Sun 08-Apr-18 11:12:42

I get you @Babybarclay.
My mil does this. She's not spoilt or hard to be around, and I love her to bits. But my son is "her son, not ours (my husband and mine)" and the baby in my belly right now is her baby too. She makes it out to be a joke, but she really does take it too far. It's the only thing that grates me with her.
I let it go because she's truly a lovely, caring Mum, mil and Nana, but I wish she wouldn't make such a big deal about my children being hers.
She's currently going on about constantly taking the baby off me when he/she arrives. She says that I'll breastfeed the baby then she'll take him/her off my hands and look after it. I think my husband and I will have to have a delicate word if she actually tries to do this. But I do think grandparents sometimes just get so excited about their grandchild that they just need to know where your boundaries are.
Maybe you just need to spell it out to your mil that her referring to your child as hers upsets you and you'd wish she wouldn't do it.... Maybe I need to take some of my own advice too!!

pencilhoarder Sun 08-Apr-18 11:13:46

Ignore the brickbats, OP, those posters are obviously bored of a Sunday morning!

Ryder63 Sun 08-Apr-18 11:16:53

As an only child I find this quite offensive

Me too!

diddl Sun 08-Apr-18 11:17:25

I'd be more concerned about my husband pandering to her tbh.

ladymariner Sun 08-Apr-18 11:17:46

So its ok for the op to make the sweeping generalization that only child = spoilt then, is it pencil?

Mydoghatesthebath Sun 08-Apr-18 11:17:58

Boofay

I think that’s rather too OTT. Just set firm clear and loving boundaries. Sure she’s just a bit over excited.

Mind you most of my grand parent friends spend their lives having to dodge more and more childcare responsibilities with both parents needing to work and childcare so expensive.

snewsname Sun 08-Apr-18 11:18:03

You are too old to be jealous of someone like that.
Chill.

PlumsGalore Sun 08-Apr-18 11:19:20

My MIL calls DS son, he is not her son and he is 24. I don't mind one little bit. It is a term on endearment.

"Gran, can I get a coffee?"
"Course you can son, the kettle's just boiled"

GreatDuckCookery6211 Sun 08-Apr-18 11:19:48

So I guess I'm asking more of how would you address this because I think if she keeps acting the way she does she's going to push yourself more and more and more onto my child

In what way do you think she's going to push herself on your child? What is she doing?

At the end of the day you are the parent. She cannot do anything without your consent. Calm down and keep rational.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 08-Apr-18 11:20:26

I call my nephews 'my babies'.They are my babies. Just as my dd is also my sisters baby. Like a pp says my nan used to call me and my sister her babies as did my mum with her grand children.
You'd have somethings to say if she didn't take any Interest

maddiemookins16mum Sun 08-Apr-18 11:22:57

My lovely DMIL calls my DD 'my little Ethel'....*

She's done it since the day she was born. I'll never forget the afternoon the day after she was born (bang on 3pm) she walked into my room (I was lucky, not rich) at the hospital came straight over to me and held me and whispered in my ear 'you clever, lovely girl, I'm so bloody proud of you'. She then went to DD's cot thing and looked over at me...I said 'course you can!' and she picked up my little red faced, 4lb 9oz baby.

I look at it that my DD is slightly hers too, in the sense that she's her DGD. She still calls her my Ethel even now, or 'how's my big girl doing at Guides' etc.

* my DD is not called Ethel by the way.

Fengshui Sun 08-Apr-18 11:23:46

Sorry- only child here and also find it offensive. IME, parents of only children were usually so hyper aware of this lazy stereotype they went out of their way (and in my case OTT) to go the other way in terms of spoiling their children.

BoofayTheOompaLoompaSlayer Sun 08-Apr-18 11:23:52

@Mydoghatesthebath I'm a childminder so it's the opposite for my mil. She begs us to have our son for the weekend. My son adores his Nana so we don't mind the sleepovers, but we never take the mic and very very rarely actually need childcare.

DH and I are very much on the same page so if she does get a bit too much, he will probably say something before I do. She's spent her whole career in social services, starting as a social worker working up to being head of social services in her county. She is just a tad overprotective as a result.
I really do love my mil to bits!

DioneTheDiabolist Sun 08-Apr-18 11:24:02

Do you want her to refer to the child as "Babybarclay's baby" rather than "our baby"?confused

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