Looking after DPs exes new baby.(176 Posts)
DP has been split from his ex for years, they have 2 DC together who we have for weekends and holidays, they are 11 and 9. DP and I don't have any children together and don't want any more. I have 1 DC from a previous marriage, aged 8
His ex met her new partner about a year ago and is now pregnant, due next month. She works full-time as does her partner. When she told my DP about the new baby, she said "obviously we might need some help with child-care, it'd be much appreciated". DP thought she was joking and said "Oh our baby days are long gone but congratulations" and she said "Oh but you'll be having X and Y anyway so..." and it was left at that, as DP was a bit stunned and speechless.
Now, that is strange isn't it? Of course this is not an option is it? It's cheeky isn't it? I know she doesn't mean every time we have the older 2 kids but I think she thinks if she's stuck we can take new baby. AIBU to think it's a bit weird?
She's completely bonkers. Why would you look after her baby?
Also, she rushed that a bit, didn't she? She's known him a year and is having his baby soon? Clearly she hadn't given much thought to childcare.
Make sure your DP tells her loud and clear that the baby is not part of any weekend childcare arrangement.
She’s got more front than Brighton. Your DP needs to tell her that won’t be happening.
She’s absolutely not thinking straight if she believes you and DP might actually consider that a possible option. A swift ‘No’ should set her straight.
My gut reaction is ‘she’s got a cheek’ and I would suggest it has nothing at all to do with your partner and certainly it is way too removed from you to be your problem. On the other hand, if mum genuinely struggles, there could be a negative impact on your step children’s lives and as such, perhaps there is an element of ‘it is our problem’.
So I’m on the fence. As something regular no, of your problem. As childcare, no not your problem. If there is an emergency, ill health, PND of a very serious nature then yes, being open to helping out is perhaps reasonable.
I doubt she means looking after the baby. Sounds like a misunderstanding and she just means extra help with the older kids.
Sweet Jesus what's wrong with her?
No, just no!
That’s clearly not a normal arrangement, however In the past when I was friendly with my ex and his gf of years and stuck for childcare I would vocations ask them.... One time our daughter needed to go to hospital, another time my car broke down and I was at the side of the road... he took our children and baby...
I wouldn’t be happy with it tho.... x
Haha she’s nuttier than squirrel poop 😁
The father of my two oldest DC's did look after my youngest DD when my second relationship failed. I was working evenings and he looked after her for a few hours when he had our DS's for contact. His new gf wasn't happy with the situation so it didn't happen for long. I really appreciated his support.
She sounds rude and is making a massive assumption, but it's not necessarily that weird.
My DP is the "new" younger sibling in this scenario and his older siblings' "other" parent (i.e. your DP in your situation) definitely looked after him occasionally. I guess their relationship is like that of an aunt/nephew - it's all just extended family. Personally I would hate the thought of my kids having siblings I had no relationship with.
BUT she's still being cheeky as anything to assume and if that's how she goes about things I would definitely refuse. But the actual concept I think isn't that weird.
That is not reasonable! If there is an emergency, ill health or PND, this women's partner, parents, friends, siblings, in laws or paid childcare professional will have to step up.
Maybe she was joking?
That's a contender for the CF of the year award
She's got a cheek! Tell her to do one. Yes you'll be having the other children because they are HIS children. Doesn't mean you'll be having her baby as well.
My dad used to look after my younger half brother (my mum and stepdad's child) and my mum and stepdad are godparents to my half sister (dad and step mum's child) and often looked after her when she was little.
I suppose it just depends on the relationship.
I would never in a million years have entertained the idea of DH's ex looking after my babies!
Oh thank god, I was beginning to doubt myself.
I doubt she means looking after the baby. Sounds like a misunderstanding and she just means extra help with the older kids
She definitely meant with new baby. We will of course have the DC more when she needs it, there's no issue there.
Also, she rushed that a bit, didn't she? She's known him a year and is having his baby soon? Clearly she hadn't given much thought to childcare
Yes, he was living with her for a few months and we didn't even know, she told the kids not to tell their dad. The whole thing's been a bit of a shock tbh. This is her first relationship in years, I just don't know what the hurry is.
Even if it means extra care of the children when the baby is born, isn't that seen as wrong when it's the other way around and the dad is having a baby with his partner? The children being pushed out and all that...
My DP is the "new" younger sibling in this scenario and his older siblings' "other" parent (i.e. your DP in your situation) definitely looked after him occasionally. I guess their relationship is like that of an aunt/nephew - it's all just extended family. Personally I would hate the thought of my kids having siblings I had no relationship with
See this worries me a bit. What happens when the baby is a bit older and the DC are coming to us and this baby has to watch their siblings leave and they're left behind? Quite sad really or maybe not at all because there's going to be such a big age gap that it might not impact at all on new DC.
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Bit conflicted about this because I think it's a really cheeky assumption of her to make but I also think it would be nice for all four kids for you and DP to have a relationship with new baby and for he or she to be welcome at your house and vice versa when it's a bit older. I don't think the baby is 'nothing to do with you' iyswim but I also don't think any parent should automatically assume that childcare will be available from anyone but the baby's parents.
he was living with her for a few months and we didn't even know, she told the kids not to tell their dadhmm. The whole thing's been a bit of a shock tbh. This is her first relationship in years, I just don't know what the hurry is
She is an adult who can do what she wants. She told the children not to tell their dad because she knew you would judge her.
I have family that I don't see regular, whose DS from new relationship, goes with (sister) DD from previous relationship to her grandparents house. Sleeps over and everything! Even calls the grandparents 'grandad and grandma' I do find it weird but it works for them!
The grandparents turned up to the recent wedding and had pictures too! Even though 20 years ago they were standing there as in-laws. Now its ex in-laws.
The assumption is weird, but I’m not so sure that the act is that unusual as this baby will of course be your DP’s children’s sibling, so there may be times when the older DC might want them to come over with them or when the younger DC might want to be with his siblings or go where they’re going, and assuming it’s e.g. a day out or a play I don’t necessarily see the issue.
I knew a couple who had a child who stayed with the woman’s ex when they went away because that meant she got to stay with her older sister. On the surface I thought it odd but actuly I think it’s a good thing if they have that amicable a relationship that the ex is prepared to have her child from her new marriage overnight.
My ex has a child with his partner and although we don’t have that kind of relationship, should the DC want to see his siblings or mine and my ex’s DC want to bring him over or indeed look after him as my dc are teenagers he is without question welcome in my house.
And presumably when you are stuck for childcare for your 8 year old you will be able to send her over to your ex and his DP as well? No? didn't think so.
It seems an odd assumption/request, but at least it's nice you are all presumably on good enough terms that she would consider it!
I used to know a lovely, lovely man who had 2 children that he had regular weekends and holidays when his relationship broke up. Then he met someone else and had another child with her. Then his ex had a baby and when he went to collect his children he often offered to take her child too on the basis that he was half-brother to his older ones and therefore family. However, it was when the little one was well beyond new-born and the offer came from him and his second wife, it wasn't a cheeky request/demand from his ex.
More front than Brighton - I love that! :-)
Agree with others - it would be cheeky of her to assume, but would be nice if the new sibling was included to some extent as they get older. Not as a baby though (except in an emergency).
When My exDP and his GF have our DS he occasionally has my DS from my current relationship too but that’s by invitation and they’re only too happy to do it however, I would never in a million years impose upon them by demanding they provide childcare for me! She’s out of her tree
The oldest DC is not DPs but he doesn't treat them any differently, so both always come to us but oldest boys father is not in the picture she DP effectively is his dad.
I hope that the people saying the concept isn't weird would happily look after children born to their now DP and a new partner in the event of a split as they are their children's siblings.
Taking a child for a small amount of time for an emergency is one thing but helping out with a baby on a regular basis something else entirely!
She is an adult who can do what she wants. She told the children not to tell their dad because she knew you would judge her
Please stop making things up. Teaching children to keep secrets is wrong on so many levels. There was no problem with letting us know she'd met someone, we've been wishing for her to meet someone for years. We didn't even know she'd met someone, never mind that there he had been living there for months.
Funnily enough, when I met DP, she insisted on meeting me within weeks even though I hadn't even met the DC and didn't plan to for months.
That's ridiculous, the other two children are his, so of course he'll want to have them over but the new baby is no connection to either of you, so why one earth would he be looking after him/her? Personally I'd love it as I love babies :-) but it's a cheeky request to say the least!! He can get out of it by saying that as he's having his children to stay he wants to give them his full attention and that would be difficult with the baby there as well.
And presumably when you are stuck for childcare for your 8 year old you will be able to send her over to your ex and his DP as well? No? didn't think so
Haha, absolutely not. I've been stuck many times and it's just not an option.
* DP effectively is his dad.*
Ah so there's precedent. Because DP isn't his dad, and although the child and your DP might feel that way (which is their call to make), the ex clearly isn't differentiating and it sounds like she's seeing your DP taking 3.0 the same was as she sees him taking her eldest.
If people are ok doing this then that's up to them and I can see how it would or could divide half siblings in the future, but for her to just assume that it's a done deal is ridiculous
Also where does this end? If you agree now what happens if she has other babies?
You will end up as her unpaid private crèche!
This new baby has a dad already to share the care, if they need childcare they can pay for it.
Do you know if the new man is in agreement with her plan?
It sounds like gf is expecting you to have the baby on a regular basis. No way, unless you feel generous. Maybe when the baby is older, you can have days with all the siblings together, and it would be nice to form a relationship with the baby, in an Aunty sort of way.
"there could be a negative impact on your step children’s lives "
They might also appreciate time without the baby & wonder why it should come along when neither Op nor her partner are a parent?
Ah so there's precedent. Because DP isn't his dad, and although the child and your DP might feel that way (which is their call to make), the ex clearly isn't differentiating and it sounds like she's seeing your DP taking 3.0 the same was as she sees him taking her eldest
Yes possibly could be this. We don't even really think about oldest boy not being DPs child, he's as much part of the family as our kids in every way.
She's having a laugh. I have 3 kids with my ex and 2 (soon to be 3) with my DH. I would never dream in a million years to ask ex to look after mine and DHs kids. Your DH raised the eldest as his own, so that situation is different to your DH looking after the new baby.
Btw, the kids will be fine with the set up and the new baby will too when they are older as it'swill just be how it's always been for them. My youngest think nothing of the older ones heading off to their dads, in fact it's a good chance to do things with the younger ones that the older ones arn't bothered about doing, soft play places etc.
hahahaha that's right up there in the cheeky fucker stakes!
She is an adult who can do what she wants.
But can't look after her own child apparently.
It's cheeky.....having said that, one of my friends has occasionally had her XDP's new baby overnight. They are on good terms, but it is just done as a favour; there's no obligation.
And the baby gets to spend some time with his half-siblings, which they all love.
Btw, the kids will be fine with the set up and the new baby will too when they are older as it'swill just be how it's always been for them
Thank you, this is what I need to hear.
Wow what a CF, no no no, her and her new partner's baby, not yours or your dp. Wow there is a lot of CF going on lately.
I tell you what, Cupof, it's great to see a post where ex clearly values you and your DP as parents! Too often we hear of exes who view SM as the devil incarnate (or vice versa ...)
And the history of your DP regarding her eldest DC as 'his' may confuse or complicate things. I can also imagine how the occasional, invited, visit may be possible / nice in the future (if all parties agree), but to 'expect' childcare is bonkers!!
It took a while to get here but yes it's great that things are so amicable now.
I would not look after DH's ex's new kids, not in a million years. She did once try to get him to act as taxi for her son but DH pointed out that the son had his own father to do that.
I would never dream of asking her to look after our dd, it would literally have to be over my dead body.
There are safeguarding issues with DH's ex so IMHO she is not fit to look after children.
Helping extra with his existing kids? Yes
Looking after Ex's new baby by another fella with the step children - no.
How are you going to clarify this with her, OP? Or will your DP sort? All the best.
(doesn't give her the right to take you for a mug though )
Did your DP say anything now he’s got over being speechless?
* Teaching children to keep secrets is wrong on so many levels. We didn't even know she'd met someone, never mind that there he had been living there for months*
I agree with the secrets issue. My ex does it all the time. However, who she goes out with, who stays over, who she lives with is none of your business.
Did your DP say anything now he’s got over being speechless?
She hasn't mentioned it to him again and he hasn't mentioned it to her. He has told me absolutely no way was he doing it but he's a big softy and if he was put on the spot I don't know what he would say tbh.
I agree with those who are saying that as the new baby gets older s/he may want to be a part of the bigger extended family alongside the older siblings, and there might be times when you have all four of them together for holidays or birthdays or something special. But that doesn't mean OP and her DP should take care of the baby when it's new. That's just massive CF-ery.
I think he needs to bring it up, something along the lines of 'I'm sure I mis heard the other day, but I just want to clarify something with you, you made it sound as though I might take care of the new baby, that's not what you meant is it?'
If she say 'well yes it is'
He can then respond 'that is absolutely out of the question, that will never happen'
He needs to take the bull by the horns to put your mind at rest.
he's a big softy and if he was put on the spot I don't know what he would say tbh.
In that case, I think he really should get in there now so she knows his views,... before he is asked!!
The minute DH's ex found out that we were together, she started demanding that he come and babysit the child she'd had with another man after they split, said it was his duty as the father of her other children. It was her way of trying to drive a wedge between us. Could that be what she is doing?
No you will not be providing childcare for this baby unless you particularly want to do it. I thought when I read the post she meant more care for the older ones and not for you to be unpaid childminders for this new baby.
I agree with the secrets issue. My ex does it all the time. However, who she goes out with, who stays over, who she lives with is none of your business
Your post is a total contradiction. You agree to not teaching children to keep secrets but it's ok to keep a secret that a man has moved into the house? Please stop trying to turn this into something it isn't. There was no issue with who she goes out with etc, living with. We are happy for her. The oldest DC has broke down crying before saying "My mum has said I've not to tell you anything about us", this was all because DH has asked him if he was excited to be moving to his new house.
See this worries me a bit. What happens when the baby is a bit older and the DC are coming to us and this baby has to watch their siblings leave and they're left behind?
My youngest just accepted it when my other two went to their dad's for the weekend.
It's quite astounding that she's just assumed your partner will have her baby when she needs childcare though.
Of course it’s bonkers. However read the step parenting boards and you’ll be amazed at the stories!
You have the kids every weekend and holidays, that’s quite a bit for non resident, more like 50/50 care anyway so no I would also not be offering more! Just look after the kids and the arrangement you have. She has a good deal, every weekend free!
It's quite astounding that she's just assumed your partner will have her baby when she needs childcare though
Yes the more I read the replies and the more I think about it, it really is astounding.
But the baby is half-sibling to your DP's current DC, so as they get older, there may be times when the youngest one comes along with the older half siblings. I don't see what's such a big deal about that. And, yeah, in an emergency, your DP and you would be potentially on the list for childcare - that's not necessarily a big deal either.
Surely as soon as the new boyfriend/partner is spending lots of time with the children it becomes the fathers interest? Not to have some sort of veto power, but a new adult moving in to their home is a big change in the children's lives and their father ought to know about it. Especially as the mother insisted on meeting the OP before she even met the children.
I don't think the situation with the older child is comparable at all. Given the children's ages it's likely that the OP's DP was with his mum and playing a father role when he was less than two for however long they were together and then after their split. In normal circumstances the new baby wouldn't really have a significant relationship with his siblings dad at all.
Errr what? The answer is a resounding no. You are under no obligation to provide childcare to her new baby!!
My DPs ex has done this with one of her DC aged 3 at the time. Turned up to drop off his DD (their shared child) and then suggested how nice it would be that he took her DS for a few hours as he was always complaining and crying when his sister went at the weekends. And to increase the emotional blackmail she always brought him along so he'd start crying when she took him back to the car when DP said it wasn't possible that time. Rather than leave him at home with her partner and two other siblings.
After a few more attempts, he awkwardly said ok. Mainly awkward because the little boy was quite boisterous - always in A&E for accidents and heavy handed with toys other people's belongings etc. So he needed to be watched quite closely.
The ex disappeared for 8 hours and left him there. 😂 DP was furious.
When he moved in with me, she said she couldn't wait for all of their DDs half siblings to come round and play at our new place and see her new bedroom and house. I smiled and said yes, when will my DS be able to come round to you to see where DD lives and play with her toys too?
Strangely that didn't seem to fit in her plans.
Oh that's outrageous...but it's given me the fear...
That is bonkers. Those saying it's OPs dh dc half siblings- so what That doesn't make it OPs dh responsibility in any way.
It would be a no from me!
I don't think anyone has said it's his responsibility GreenSeededGrape
The baby will be living with their parents & half siblings-that's something that the older 2 don't have.
Why would you want to cutting into their limited contact by sending a half sibling as well?
Sorry, implying it's the right or nice thing to do because of how they're related. It's bonkers.
'The list'? I didn't realise people had 'lists for childcare' that they could put you on regardless of your total lack of connection to their child.
The baby won't be tagging along. The elder siblings are nearly teens, they aren't small children who want to have a similarly aged sibling with them at all times. By the time the child is old enough to come (e.g. out of nappies, why would the DH want to change another toddlers nappy?) they will be teens.
It was probably a joke.
You have maybe taken offence to her humour?
The baby won't be tagging along. The elder siblings are nearly teens, they aren't small children who want to have a similarly aged sibling with them at all times. By the time the child is old enough to come (e.g. out of nappies, why would the DH want to change another toddlers nappy?) they will be teens
This is what I was thinking. The older ones may not even want to come as often either when they're teens, they'll maybe rather spend time with their friends or whatever doing their own thing.
On the other hand, if mum genuinely struggles, there could be a negative impact on your step children’s lives
If there is then the OP and her DP could reasonably consider having his children an extra night a week or something. If the ex wants help with the baby she has her family and friends and her new DP's to ask. Totally innapropriate for her ex to look after the baby and I am surprised the new partner would be happy with that!
Oh and getting the children to lie about the man living with them is diabolical. I know mothers who would see their exes lying about new partners and living arrangements as a reason to cut contact.
Truthfully my exs daughters (as much as i hate him) would always be welcome in my home and if my current partner had kids before me and she went on to have more. Agian they would all be welcome. Because the kids are siblings and I support that bond. My exs ex used to take my children with her out for meals with their sister & we were all cool with it.
BUT! Assumptions are rude.
How would you feel about having their sibling is the question?
You have maybe taken offence to her humour?
No offence taken. It's quite amusing tbh.
I reckon next thing she'll be sending her new DP over too ... "if you could just give him a beer and let him watch TV for a few hours? He's had his tea ..."
I doubt she means looking after the baby. Sounds like a misunderstanding and she just means extra help with the older kids.*
Completely agree! I don't think she means the baby, she means a bit of extra help with the older ones while she deals with the tiny newborn stage. Just ask her for clarification and state your decision if she really means the baby: simple.
How would you feel about having their sibling is the question?
I just don't want to do it. I would help out if she had an emergency or was let down but she's the type of person if you give an inch she'll take 124632 miles. She has been known to just drop the other 2 kids on people without asking, just turning up at their door or sending someone else with them.
My eldest 2DC are with my ExP. Toddler with ExH (who fucked off when I was pregnant.) ExP has helped massively - well, small things to him (like nipping to the shop to bring me things on his way to fetch our DC) but not once have I asked him to have DD! She’s MINE to look after ffs! However he has OFFERED to have her when she’s older along with our DC, should she want to go along, because her own “Dad” isn’t around. ExP sees her as his DDs sister and an innocent kid who didn’t ask for her Dad to be a dickhead, and wants to be a good example to her. But I would never have asked!
There is your answer lovely. She cant make you. Just make sure you and the other half are on the same page
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