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DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

(254 Posts)
ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 01:01:34

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

Greenyogagirl Sat 31-Mar-18 11:23:36

You’re having a baby together, maybe it’s time to sort out your issues now rather than later?
It’s his baby too, he got excited and told someone. If anything bad happens he might need support from a friend too.
You can’t give him consequences and say he can’t discuss baby names until after baby is born, that’s ridiculous.
His friend would have said ‘congratulations’ and that’s it. He won’t be ringing up everyone to tell them the news, he won’t give a shit. You’ll have a couple of people who will be excited for you but don’t expect to be the center of attention.
When baby is born, regardless if people know the name and gender all anyone will say is ‘congratulations’ and ‘beautiful’
You and dh need to be a team and you need to start respecting him in my opinion

inamechangedforthispost Sat 31-Mar-18 11:25:40

My husband and I decided to wait until 12 weeks as well.

He went on a stag do when I was 7 weeks, had a few beers and told everyone!

He phoned me saying he'd done something, when I found out what it was I just laughed! It's his baby too and I loved his excitement.

If anything had happened then all any of those people would have done is support us.

CarlyCape Sat 31-Mar-18 11:41:42

You seem like you're making this pregnancy about what everyone else thinks and not about you and your husband. Other people really don't care that much as much as they act like they do. You sound a little bit mad!

Bluelady Sat 31-Mar-18 11:41:51

This is going to be one of those babies that's sequestered at home with nobody allowed to see it for a month, isn't it? Lighten up, OP, you're the only person this is a big deal for. I told my mum before I told my husband!

Hygge Sat 31-Mar-18 11:44:06

There is no shame in aborting or losing a baby, I'm sorry you feel that there is, and obviously I hope everything goes well for you, but saying that you'd feel shame is a bit awful to those of us who have lost babies or had terminations for medical reasons or personal choice.

You feel a lot of things when you lose a child, but shame shouldn't be one of them.

I'm speaking from experience here because I lost two babies at the 22 week mark, long after everybody knew we were expecting them, and it can be easy to blame yourself when you're looking for answers but not getting any, so having someone talk about shame doesn't help.

I can understand you feeling that you've lost some control of your own body by being pregnant, but I think you're expecting a lot from your husband.

I do feel very strongly that a pregnant women should be in sole charge of her own body and choices and medical information in a physical way but your husband is this baby's father and you seem to want to control every detail.

In the long run, him telling someone a week earlier than you agreed to isn't the end of the world, but with you saying that you have control issues and you're feeling like pregnancy has taken your control away, and you're talking about how you would feel shame if something went wrong, perhaps you might look at having some counselling to work out what's going on for you right now.

This pregnancy has clearly stirred up something for you and you might feel better to understand what and why before the birth.

I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy OP, but I think it will go better if you can relax about whatever this issue is that you have.

Flisspaps Sat 31-Mar-18 11:44:31

@ballerini what are you going to do about the 20 week anomaly scan? That's where they look for major problems.

Many women think they have a perfectly healthy baby at that point but sadly find out that isn't so.

Are you going to keep your pregnancy secret until after that, just in case?

Hygge Sat 31-Mar-18 11:46:01

"I told my mum before I told my husband!"

I told our mortgage advisor first. I'm not sure who was more surprised about that, her or me.

To be fair, I'd just done the test, DH wasn't home, I was on my way to work and bumped into her and she said "how are you?" and I blurted out "pregnant apparently" before I'd had time to consider it. grin

Coconutspongexo Sat 31-Mar-18 11:46:24

Really weird that you’re not going to discuss names with him

TheMaddHugger Sat 31-Mar-18 11:46:40

@frazzledtired (((Hugs))) Hope all will be ok.

Mad Soft ((((((Hugs)))) @pinkiepie1

TheMaddHugger Sat 31-Mar-18 11:47:26

@Hygge (((((Madd Hugs))))))))

MrsBartlettforthewin Sat 31-Mar-18 11:51:56

I doubt this guy is going to care much if he is just a mate who you said won't even be part of your child's life.

I can understand not wanting to tell people before 12 weeks just incase but it's not like he told his folks before you told yours or told someone who is going to be telling others. Really, other than close friends and family, no-one is that bother about other people having babies.

It could be worse, he could of accidentally told your best friend the day after you did the first test and three weeks after your bf had had a horrific miscarried as they were chatting about holiday plans looking at you DH

You are going to find pregnancy tough if you won't let DH have an involvement in it. It is his baby too and as you have clearly planned to keep it and I'm guessing he's not an abusive ass you really need to calm down with all of this.

BrendasUmbrella Sat 31-Mar-18 12:09:26

MaddHugger don't be a twat. Isn't it funny how when the general opinion on a thread is that a poster is OTT, some posters then proudly display their ability to go even more OTT in the process of bitching about her?

BrendasUmbrella Sat 31-Mar-18 12:12:30

ballerini It's worth remembering that your hormones will be going nuts right now (some other people on mumsnet might try remembering that too) and it's easy to blow things out of proportion.

Yes it's disappointing that he shared your secret, but it is his baby too, and he only shared it because he was excited. If you want to keep other things close to your chest for now, like baby names, then do it. But do it for you, not to punish him. There's a difference. It might be an idea to hold off on baby names until after the birth anyway, you might change your mind once you see them!

Picklesandpies Sat 31-Mar-18 12:22:12

I would be really cross. It's not difficult to just not say something.

slithytove Sat 31-Mar-18 12:31:31

I can understand the shame thing.

When DD1 died during full term labour I was ashamed to tell people. I had failed at making a healthy baby, failed to bring her home. I was upset and embarrassed that I wasn’t sharing happy news and that I was going to make a lot of people very upset.

That feeling passed but it was definitely there for me.

I also understand the not wanting to have to explain to people you really rather wouldn’t give the time to, or elicit their sympathy, or have them scramble about what to say.

Not a judgement on anyone else of course, baby loss is very personal.

Rosasaurus Sat 31-Mar-18 12:34:03

Well you just technically told the whole of MN so you failed at keeping it a secret too.

gobbin Sat 31-Mar-18 12:39:59

Christ if you’re this wound up now about this, you’re going to find life very stressful.

You sound a bit like an (ex) friend who got the hump with me because I had seen on Fb from someone else (sending congrats) that she’d obviously had her baby, so I put congrats on there too. That wasn’t good enough for the precious madam who ‘hadn’t had time to announce it in Fb herself yet’. Oh do fuck off dear, I thought.

GreenVoyage Sat 31-Mar-18 12:44:31

Jesus you seem to be more interested in getting attention from everyone than anything else! Stop being so precious and secretive no one cares.

YellowFlower201 Sat 31-Mar-18 12:59:44

I feel really sorry for your DH. My initial thoughts were that you could be a bit annoyed but subsequent posts make you sound obsessive and controlling.
You cannot control everything. You may still have a disabled child despite the 12 week scan showing a healthy baby or suffer a miscarriage. You cannot protect yourself from these things unfortunately. Pregnancy is risky business and everyone knows that. If you chose to abort some people may judge you for that. You'll have to live with that. That's life. Time to grow up OP.

MammaTJ Sat 31-Mar-18 13:06:36

I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

I can't help but worry about your DC, if you feel this about your partner in life. When they're three and tell Nanna something they weren't supposed to, they will end up on the naughty step, when they are a teen and genuinely betray your trust, in a way teens often do, they will, well I have not clue what you will do, as you have over-reacted so much about this minor thing.

Get over yourself!

ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 13:11:49

Thanks for all of your comments.
I'm sorry if I upset anyone to say I'd be ashamed if anything bad happened. I have always been quite private particularly about health issues. Even when I was a child I felt embarrassed when I was sick. I didn't tell my DH about some health issues I had until we'd been together for several years as I felt ashamed. I have had minor operations that I've never mentioned to my family.
I did actually want to wait until 20wks to tell people originally. A colleague did this and I didn't think it weird. DH didn't want to wait as long so we compromised with the 1st scan!
DH's friend is someone who comes and goes into his wider circle of friends. He only sees him maybe once a year, but the friend works with one of DH's closer friends.
I don't think DH was overexcited or needed support from him - he probably ran out of conversation. He said yesterday he regrets telling him because he is not a close friend and he has apologised that he went against his word.
I do realise no-one cares about my baby and was very conscious no-one cared about my wedding when I got married - I'm not one of them.
I'm not as bothered about it as you might think I am. I just felt angry when I posted because I feel like my husband is always doing little things like this where he shows me no respect or consideration eg. the other week he offered to take his mother to an appointment but then found out a few friends were meeting for drinks. He asked if I'd be able to take the afternoon off work so that I could take his mother to the app and he could meet his friends!! He also binned some of my stuff that was in the loft but luckily it was only in the bedroom bin and I retrieved it.
Other than the odd thing like this he is a decent husband and treats me well!
I am still worried about discussing names and would rather wait until the birth because I have seen people try to hassle the baby name out of mother-to-bes and the same may happen to fathers! I'd just rather not tell people the name before the baby is born. That's my preference. DH agrees after seeing his siblings and mine do the same, but I don't trust him not to tell now!

Teateaandmoretea Sat 31-Mar-18 13:18:16

You could always just agree to not discuss names even with each other till after the baby is born. FWIW I refused to discuss names with other people, I didn't want unwanted opinions. After all the royals take ages to announce names, you don't have to name baby when they are first born.

Lilsquish Sat 31-Mar-18 13:24:30

When i was around 6 weeks pregnant my OH went on a stag do and told a few of the stags.

3 weeks later i lost the baby.

Only time i was bothered he had told them was a few weeks after that. we were at the wedding pertaining to the stag do and one of the guys came over and congratulated me on the pregnancy, as i was standing drinking a large glass of wine!!

I made OH go over to him later to tell him i wasnt pregnant.

Congratulations OP, it really doesnt have to be an issue and I hope you feel better about it soon x

lottiegarbanzo Sat 31-Mar-18 13:32:09

On names, you can always discuss and come up with a shortlist but not actually choose until after. (Make sure you include something outrageous, just so there's an amusing element, if he decide to blab the entire list to someone - which does seem unlikely, given people aren't that interested).

lottiegarbanzo Sat 31-Mar-18 13:35:43

I don't think wanting to wait until after the 20wk scan is crazy at all btw, it's really very logical. At that point you know as much as you possibly could about what it is you're telling people (not quite if further investigation is required at that stage of course but, you'd know that).

It might be difficult though, as you might be showing by then and it's just a longer time in which any changes to normal eating and drinking patterns might be noticed.

I think it's a combination of all these factors and others already mentioned that makes 12 weeks+ the normal compromise.

Absofrigginlootly Sat 31-Mar-18 14:14:56

I'm most perturbed by the poster who indicated that if there is sadly a loss that the father should only be allowed support and to discuss grief if given permission. Am hoping my inference of this is incorrect!

That was my post. Yes you are incorrect.

I wasn't saying the father would need permission to discuss the pregnancy in the case of a loss. But presumably in a loving and equal relationship the father would want to take his partners feelings into account and check with her how she would feel about that. And they could discuss it and reach an agreement together?? You know, communication, compromise, consideration.... all the things a healthy supportive marriage is supposed to include??

MarvelleGazelle Sat 31-Mar-18 14:16:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Absofrigginlootly Sat 31-Mar-18 14:19:04

Also, I just wanted to add to this thread that not even one has a living aupoortive wider family who would offer appropriate and sensitive support. I certainly don't.

Like a PP said, just because some people are happy to share their lives openely doesn't mean that private people who feel differently are wrong. They just feel differently.

Why is thatso hard to grasp? For me, other peolple knowing about a loss would make it 100x harder. Not because of shame but because I am a very private person and other people knowing would add to the emotional burden of the situation, for me.

Absofrigginlootly Sat 31-Mar-18 14:25:27

*not everyone has a loving supportive wider family

TheGrumpySquirrel Sat 31-Mar-18 16:26:00

"other bit of context to bear in mind is that this was WK 11; much more unreasonable to tell people in say week 6 "

No. Loads of miscarriages aren't discovered until the 12wk scan despite baby not developing past 6/7/8wks. Nearly every single person I know who had a miscarriage had no idea that they had lost the baby until that scan.

And totally agree with @Absofrigginlootly 's post below. Just because you aren't bothered that your DH told people doesn't mean everyone has to feel the same way! It's about respecting the other persons wishes in a relationship and understanding what matters to each other.

CheeseyToast Sat 31-Mar-18 16:31:58

How silly. Really this is so minor. You really need to buckle up, babies need their parents to have a grip and not a bunch of silly dramas.

DaisyLand Sat 31-Mar-18 17:13:41

@thegrumpysquirrel however. As I’ve pointed before op last Saturday (10w) was happy to announce it to one of her friends as per ops threads history. Why can she tell to her friends but her dh can’t. If the deal was not to tell to anyone before week12 because of being worried about miscarriages then she did also break the deal with her husband.

She might not want to discuss names with other people but not to do it with her husband as a punishment I think it’s a little bit too mean specially when she neither followed her own desires.

Panda81 Sat 31-Mar-18 18:44:08

Just seen your threads in MN. At 10w you were considering telling one of your friends about your pregnancy. So you also were thinking about breaking that promise to him. Did he make you pay the consequences ? Why is it right for you to tell one of your friends and not him ?

Good point @DaisyLand , I've just seen this too!!

OP please can you explain this to us?

Panda81 Sat 31-Mar-18 18:44:44

Bold fail!

* Just seen your threads in MN. At 10w you were considering telling one of your friends about your pregnancy. So you also were thinking about breaking that promise to him. Did he make you pay the consequences ? Why is it right for you to tell one of your friends and not him ?*

RockafellerSkank Sat 31-Mar-18 19:02:19

OP, I empathise and do understand. But I do think you need to chill out and be more relaxed about your husband and the pregnancy.
Mine and I agreed to wait til the 20 week scan before telling anyone. At 10 weeks though, one of my friends asked me outright if I was pregnant, and rather than lie, I said yes. (I wasn't showing at all, but was complaining of the heat when it wasn't very hot at all!) DH was very understanding about it - teased me a bit, but had he freaked out, it would have spoiled things a bit. So a bit vice versa from your situation but hope it helps. It's done. He was excited. No point spoiling relations over it. Pick your battles.
I am also like you with the names and absolutely didn't want anyone knowing before she was born - I think that is fair enough. Sadly big gob DS (aged 4) told a couple of people, haha! But your baby is as much his baby as it is yours, and if he does feel the need to share, I don't think you have a right to control him. That way sadness lies.

I hope your scan goes well. Best wishes.

Gemini69 Sat 31-Mar-18 19:52:51

Just seen your threads in MN. At 10w you were considering telling one of your friends about your pregnancy. So you also were thinking about breaking that promise to him. Did he make you pay the consequences? Why is it right for you to tell one of your friends and not him?

Oooh now this is interesting..... well spotted hmm

KoshaMangsho Sat 31-Mar-18 20:10:50

He binned something by accident? Huh? Or did he do it deliberately?
I know you are trying to set him up as the bad guy but he comes across as normal. Entirely normal. I have often agreed to x and then something comes along and I think, ooh I might want to go. He asked you to take his mum, didn’t order you. You could have said no. I might have asked DH as well, and said, ‘hey I really need this night out but I promised Mum. Any chance at all you could take her?’ Doesn’t make me a bad person.
Nor does blurting out some news.

What makes all this truly weird is your entirely OTT reaction.

Also you SAY you don’t care how people react but
1. You are going on about how other people will own your pregnancy. Honestly. They might make small talk but no one cares.
2. Your comment about the woman who told everyone the name and then no one cared about the baby is VERY telling. I would hope that even if everyone knew the name of my baby they would still celebrate his arrival. Not to do so has NOTHING to do with knowing the name beforehand.

So in fact you ARE bothered by how people receive your baby news...

LotsToThinkOf Sat 31-Mar-18 20:28:27

OP, other people will care about your baby - sorry, it was badly worded. What I mean is, they won't be affected by sex/name etc.

You sound very private, and I have more sympathy after reading your second post. It's not that you begrudge his excitement it's that you just don't want to discuss your business with other people. At this point it's your body - I can understand why you were tempted to tell your friend. When thinking of it that way it's understandable. It's easier to discuss wth your own friends than a person who is a stranger to you.

But this is one of the things to consider in pregnancy, it's already involving other people. With my 1st I was self conscious and didn't want to discuss with anyone I didn't really know so on the basis of that I wouldn't have wanted DH discussing with anyone I didn't really know. With my 2nd I got it, and it wasn't about me really at all.

It's difficult OP, but try to understand he is trying to get used to things too. It isn't his body which is affected so it's hard to understand why you can't share your excitement with everyone. The name thing is a non-issue though and you need to develop thick skin and ignore opinions. Honestly, people think they can comment on a lot more than the name once you have a baby.

It'll all come right in the end, the little things won't matter so much once the baby has arrived and hopefully you'll feel more relaxed. I don't feel that your comments suggested miscarriages were anything to be ashamed of, I think they were more about how painful it would be to explain to people when grieving privately would be your preference.

lattewith3shotsplease Sat 31-Mar-18 20:32:05

OP,
You feel you can no longer trust him, really ?

Your poor DH has my sympathy, you sound really OTT.

PercyPigAddict Sat 31-Mar-18 20:38:16

All the people on here going "Oh, nobody else cares you're pregnant, of course you should tell everyone before the 12 week scan, and you should openly discuss names as well..." Are you new to mumsnet? Have you missed the multiple threads where (admittedly, hormonal and OTT) women are devastated because their passive aggressive friend has "stolen" the totally unique nobody's ever heard of anyone called Farrah before name they picked out for their kid? It's common sense not to tell anyone the name, if only to stop them making rude comments about how crap it is (you get far fewer comments once it's acually on the birth certificate).

As for needing support if anything does go wrong - it's a lot less painful to tell someone "I have some sad news -I was pregnant, but I lost it" than go through the process of announcing, it, everyone getting excited and then having to go around telling people you've had a miscarriage (and there's always someone who's missed the second bit of news and congratulates you, and it's horribly awkward and painful for all involved).

I totally sympathise OP. It sucks if you can't trust someone to keep their mouth shut about something (regardless of the subject) when they've agreed to it.

inamechangedforthispost Sat 31-Mar-18 23:43:43

This has made The Sun.

notacooldad Sat 31-Mar-18 23:55:45

You are being ridiculous.
It's his news as well.
All this talk about consequences like he is a toddler and you can't trust him? What the actual fuck! Sure it's exciting for you but most people outside your immediate family won't care that much.
Who on earth is 'owning ' your pregnancy?
Don't trust him with names? He'll fire I'd be pissed off with you if i had you as a DP.

You need to cool your jets I think!

beingsunny Sun 01-Apr-18 00:02:32

You know that getting to 12 weeks doesn't guarantee everything will be ok?

I can see you are disappointed your husband told a friend but it do any actually matter.

Your second post about names makes you sounds mental, maybe it's the hormones but honestly people don't really care that much about your pregnancy or choices around it, having babies is one of life's joys and sharing awesome news is the best way to enjoy it.

NowApparently Sun 01-Apr-18 01:27:47

Personally, I'd let this one go but explain how it's made you feel first of all. You need to pick your battles and frankly, it's not worth the stress when you're already anxious about your pregnancy. I was the same, it's impossible not to be anxious.

I think there should be more openness about early pregnancy. Unfortunately, 1 in 4 people will experience loss during pregnancy, why shouldn't this be discussed more openly? People suffer in silence because of the stigma we've built up around the topic of pregnancy loss when it's actually horrifyingly common when in reality it would be best to have the support of everyone around you.

issaflame Sun 01-Apr-18 01:31:52

FGS hmm

huha Sun 01-Apr-18 01:51:04

Fact 1: anything can go wrong at any stage. I understand not wanting to tell EVERYONE, but having suffered 3 mc's I now understand the importance of telling some people right away.

Fact 2: names can be criticized at any stage. This happened to my SIL who didn't tell us the name of her dd until she was born. Her uncle told her (and her dad, and my DH) that her child's name sounded like that of a dog. She changed it. (Thank god).

Fair enough your DH broke his side of the bargain, YANBU there. But move on please.

TheMaddHugger Sun 01-Apr-18 01:53:53

What huha said. Is Gold.

Coconutspongexo Sun 01-Apr-18 07:42:21

Fair enough your DH broke his side of the bargain, YANBU there. But move on please

Except she was going to tell her mate at 10 weeks so she’s a hypocrite

PasstheStarmix Sun 01-Apr-18 14:34:31

‘Why can she tell to her friends but her dh can’t. If the deal was not to tell to anyone before week12 because of being worried about miscarriages then she did also break the deal with her husband.’

Because OP’s dh’s friend was distant and not close like her friend.

LashingsOfHamAndGingerBeer Sun 01-Apr-18 14:43:16

Not RTFT but you are being precious and a bit ridiculous. Sorry. It's your DP's experience too. Nobody cares about your baby names or its weight. Being just a tad PFB!

RedSkyAtNight Sun 01-Apr-18 15:10:03

A fairly distant friend told me she was pregnant before she told anyone else. Much like OP, she and her DH had agreed not to tell anyone until the 12 week scan, but she was desperate to talk to someone.So she picked me on the basis that I didn't "matter" and didn't know her family and better friends well enough to blab to them! Much like OP feels quite happy about spreading her news around MN ...

PasstheStarmix Sun 01-Apr-18 15:16:04

‘Nobody cares about your baby names or its weight. Being just a tad PFB!’

I don’t agree with the above comment. I find everybody has some unwanted comment to make on a baby’s impending name. I was hassled endlessly on what I was to call ds. It’s ridiculous, why do people you don’t know that well care so much and want to pass judgement!

Jellycatspyjamas Sun 01-Apr-18 15:26:34

I can see why you’d be disappointed but I’m guessing he was either excited and it slipped out or someone asked him directly about kids and he didn’t want to lie. In any event, if your ability to trust is so fragile you’re going to struggle with parenting when you really do need at times to trust that he’ll be ok with his child, while make different decisions to you or not doing something you’d previously agreed.

Nows the time to start practicing the art of letting things go because my goodness there will be a lot you’ll need to relax about. Punishing him isn’t the way here, he’s not a child and actually hasn’t done anything wrong given you were wanting to tell your friend too.

fuckingjournocunts Sun 01-Apr-18 15:37:26

It's funny but you don't come across as pregnant at all...hmm

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