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DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

(254 Posts)
ballerini Sat 31-Mar-18 01:01:34

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

hibbledibble Sat 31-Mar-18 07:39:28

Yes, it is regrettable he told someone when you both agreed to wait, but you are making far too much of a big deal about this.

I know lots of people who are against the 'not telling anyone until 12 weeks' as it stigmatises miscarriage. In the unfortunate case of a miscarriage it is also helpful to have support from friends and family for both partners.

Really op, you need to move forwards from this. Tell him you are unhappy he has done this, and can he please not discuss names as this means a lot to you. It sounds like he has made a mistake, but you are blowing it out of proportion.

VladmirsPoutine Sat 31-Mar-18 07:40:10

Pregnancy aside have you always been this highly strung?

Certcert Sat 31-Mar-18 07:40:38

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!

Naughty step? Remember, it's one minute on the step for year of their age.


NotTakenUsername Sat 31-Mar-18 07:40:41

Op at a guess is this your precious first born, and are you quite young?
Had you just found out last night?
Hopefully after a good sleep and a healthy dose of AIBU reality you will have a bit more perspective.
Calmly explain why you were upset, then let it go. You did make an agreement, but noone is perfect - especially if it is also his pfb and he is quite young too. He’s probably excited and scared and everything in between.
If I had consequences every time I make a mistake, my life would be horrible. There is a big difference between being gracious to your partner and being a pushover. This would be, in my opinion, a time to gently voice your feelings and move on.

PrimalLass Sat 31-Mar-18 07:44:17

OP you will end up single before the baby arrives if you keep this up.

DaphneFanshaw Sat 31-Mar-18 07:44:26

Op, you sound really really anxious which is probably why you are coming across the way you are.
When is your scan?

LadyLannister Sat 31-Mar-18 07:46:34

I can understand how you feel op, I found out I was pregnant after our second round of ivf when I was only just over 4 weeks pregnant. I knew we wouldn't be able to keep it quiet until 12 weeks but had agreed not to tell anyone until the ivf clinic had done a scan and confirmed that it wasn't a chemical pregnancy.
Dh went off to work and decided to call in on his parents on the way and tell them. First I knew of it was when I nipped into his mum's shop later that dad and she ran up hugging and congratulating me. I was fuming.
However, I did realise that he was just very, very excited and I got over it pretty quickly. I imagine your DH is also very excited so I wouldn't be too harsh on him. Good luck with your scan.

Alexkate2468 Sat 31-Mar-18 07:47:10

OP, I may be completely wrong here, and big apologies if I am... But weren't you on a thread talking about counseling and MH problems a few days ago?

If that was you, I think some of your issues could be affecting the way you're seeing this situation. It's a little annoying that he told but honestly, it's not something that he needs to 'face conferences' over.

You're already pretty much angry with him for sharing the name and that hasn't even happened.

As pps have said, having the baby isn't about the announcement and how interested people are - it's about you, your oh and your baby. It's a special time and if you're going to enjoy it, you need to really work on relaxing about the small stuff. This won't be the last time your oh does something you don't like and you can't hang on to everything otherwise your relationship won't survive and you're going to end up constantly uptight and angry.

Work on letting stuff go for all of you.

IHATEPeppaPig Sat 31-Mar-18 07:50:14

Oh OP, when I was pregnant I was so anxious that this would have annoyed me too. However, I was a hormonal wreck and I look back and laugh now!!

Once you see your baby on the scan, you'll forget you were ever annoyed!!! Congratulations btw.

minmooch Sat 31-Mar-18 07:55:00

In the nicest possible way you are going to ruin this pregnancy for both yourself and your OH.

So he told his friend. Get over it. He may have been excited or scared and needed to offload. He's allowed to.

As for not even discussing names because you can't trust him - you are being so ridiculous. In fact I think this is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read on mumsnet.

It does not bode well for your relationship if you can't even discuss the names of your child. You may need to grow up a little.

shakeyourcaboose Sat 31-Mar-18 07:56:42

Am hoping you feel less anxious soon OP. I think I'm most perturbed by the poster who indicated that if there is sadly a loss that the father should only be allowed support and to discuss grief if given permission. Am hoping my inference of this is incorrect!

DaisyLand Sat 31-Mar-18 07:58:38

Just seen your threads in MN. At 10w you were considering telling one of your friends about your pregnancy. So you also were thinking about breaking that promise to him. Did he make you pay the consequences ? Why is it right for you to tell one of your friends and not him ?

lifechangesforever Sat 31-Mar-18 08:01:53

You sound like a petulant child tbh.. given your second update it doesn't sound like you want to keep quiet for safety reasons but more because you want the 'big bang' announcement.

DH and I also agreed not to tell anyone before 12 week scan except parents and grandparents. By the time 11 weeks arrived we'd pretty much told all brothers and sisters and close friends.

He's excited, you sound like you're trying to ruin it for him. Make him pay for what exactly?! Are you going to make the child pay for every time they speak out of turn too?

ButtMuncher Sat 31-Mar-18 08:02:40

As a fellow control freak (of myself, rarely others) I can tell you that having a baby, nay, a child, is one of the biggest tests imaginable. You can or control anything when it comes to children. Nor can you control other people's reactions or attitudes to your child.

You can either choose to move on from this or choose to let it impact your pregnancy and relationship going forwards.

Could you sit down with your DH and explain that you feel disappointed that he told a friend and ask him why he did it? It maybe that his friend asked whether you were pregnant, and he just said yes. I remember a colleague asking me when I was 6 weeks and although we'd agreed not to say anything, I couldn't lie (was afraid of jinxing myself) and for that reason, I ended up saying I was pregnant before i had intended to.

Also - blokes aren't as OMG about news like this. What feels monumental to you won't be to a not very close friend - in fact, he probably said congrats and they moved on to another topic - so try not to feel like your thunder has been stolen. It hasn't - for all intents and purposes, you've still got the main friends and family to tell. Maybe your DH wanted to tell someone the news that he knew wouldn't shout it from the rooftops. Dads do have a say too, and it's often because they are feeling anxious as well about pregnancy and their role within it.

Basically - try not to give him a hard time. I understand you feel betrayed as you trusted him not to say anything, but as others have said, pick your battles (they'll get a lot harder) and sit down with him to find out what actually happened. Reiterate how you feel and your feelings towards names etc and start a fresh.

Figgygal Sat 31-Mar-18 08:04:11

I get that you're annoyed as you agreed to keep it quiet but I think you are being a bit crazy with the need for consequences and that whole thing re: names.

Does he know you are disappointed in him? I think the healthy thing to do is make sure he knows it and then move on that really should be the end of it

ClaryFray Sat 31-Mar-18 08:05:21

He was probably excited and wanted someone to talk to about it. YABU a bit over the top.

greatbigwho Sat 31-Mar-18 08:06:25

Anyone who doesn't care about the news you've had the baby and are both safe and well because they already know the name and sex is a jerk tbh.

Billben Sat 31-Mar-18 08:20:13

I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do!
He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes

You’ve got bigger issues here OP than the announcement of your pregnancy. You are acting like a spoilt child and need to give your head a wobble.

londonrach Sat 31-Mar-18 08:21:45

You do sound ott especially your update. One of my friends who sadly suffered several miscarriages told everyone as soon as she could as she said she need support if it happened again. We were there for her during each miscarriage then she managed to carry her dd to term. I cant tell you how that feels. Congratulations op. Sounds like dh is vv excited too.

ProperLavs Sat 31-Mar-18 08:21:50

Get over yourself OP. Are you sure you are mature enough to care for a baby?

Teateaandmoretea Sat 31-Mar-18 08:22:09

I don't believe in tempting fate but I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private! If I become not pregnant any more it will need to be explained!

Why would a loss be private? I know lots and lots of people who have had miscarriages (it's probably 50%+ of mothers), thankfully the secrecy around it is fading I think. If it was about tempting fate I'd understand but the idea that you would tell no one and expect dh to do the same (it's also his baby and he may need support himself) is confused. Ime of women who've had miscarriages they react in different ways, so if you are OK people won't go ott. But miscarriage can be really traumatic for some/ there can be medical complications being adamant you would tell no one isn't realistic.

What on earth would there to be ashamed about if you had a TFMR? It would be traumatic though and however private you are, you'd need the love of those around you and to be cut some slack.

riddles26 Sat 31-Mar-18 08:25:02

I hope you have a healthy pregnancy but please keep in mind that if you get bad news at any point, there will be people you both decide to lean on for support. It wouldn't be fair for you to dictate who he did or didn't speak to.

While it is your body and some aspects are to be dictated by you, try see having a baby as something you are experiencing together. His feelings and excitement are just as valid as yours and same goes for his opinions. However what other people think or say about things like the name are not important or relevant.

It doesn't make sense that you care so much about other people's opinions and excitement on your decision yet are happily dismissing his.

twinone Sat 31-Mar-18 08:26:17

Pah, ha, ha. You are full on bonkers grin

Booboostwo Sat 31-Mar-18 08:26:27

Things go a bit haywire for most people after the birth with the crazy mix of love, hormones, sleeplessness, changes in lifestyle, etc. You need to find some coping strategies for your anxieties before things get a lot harder.

veuveo Sat 31-Mar-18 08:26:53

In the nicest possible way, I think you need help.

DecisionIsTough Sat 31-Mar-18 08:29:20

Really?!?!? confused
It must be the pregnancy hormones gringringrin
Relax wink

BrownTurkey Sat 31-Mar-18 08:34:51

Congratulations on your pregnancy. This thing is going to be the hardest thing you ever do together, and you need to be kind to each other. If he’s a good partner, he will gain your trust in ways you never expected, but not just by always doing what you wanted - he’s human. By all means withold the names as a joke, but don’t drive a wedge between you and your partner when you need to be working as a team. He just felt proud and wanted to tell someone (and alcohol lowers our inhibitions).

Kokeshi123 Sat 31-Mar-18 08:37:07

I personally agree that it can be better to keep mum until you are at the three month mark (= much lower risk of MC), but your husband is excited and it obviously went to his head a bit. A lot of men are a bit clueless about how common MC etc. is, and don't really get that there can be risks in telling everyone too soon. Explain your feelings to him, and then forget about it and move on.

I strongly recommend that you let people know what names you are thinking of, just in cause they think of some problem that has not occurred to you. Don't be that person who calls their daughter Jennifer Taylor without thinking about what kind of nickname Jennifer is shortened to, or picks what they think is a "unique" name only to find out that half their toddler group is called that. I was all for calling my daughter a particular name which my DH and I thought was great, but when I mentioned it to people, two separate people told me that it is the name of a famous ladies' wig brand in the country where I live.... that name got crossed off the list pretty quick. The Baby Name forum on here has quite a lot of "name regret" posts, and it's usually from people who didn't bother to ask people's opinions on the name before they bestowed it.

DeadGood Sat 31-Mar-18 08:39:13

“AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?“

What a weird thing to say. Did someone say this to you when you were a child?

GnotherGnu Sat 31-Mar-18 08:40:04

I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private!

Please don't. If you have to terminate, it will be for good reason. If you have a miscarriage, obviously it is something that is beyond your control and nothing to be ashamed of.

I had a missed miscarriage having already told people I was pregnant. The whole experience was horrible, but not because I had to tell people - in fact, it was massively helpful being able to talk about it, not having to keep it private.

DeadGood Sat 31-Mar-18 08:41:58

“It is common not to tell people before the scan and tests in case you have to make a difficult decision re any health problems etc.”
Cheers for this info too. You see, none of us have ever had babies before.

LotsToThinkOf Sat 31-Mar-18 08:45:33

If DH felt that this friend was close enough to tell then this friend will be close enough to help him through a loss of the worst was to happen. This is not all about you - maybe DH wants some support, maybe that's why he told his friend. You've said that this friend wont even meet the baby so what does it matter that they know? It's not like you're going to see them either, just DH and maybe he wants support.

I sort of understood until you updated about 'the name' and then it just went really OTT. People don't actually care, they hear the name and then they make a judgement whether the baby is here or not. The only difference is that some people don't voice their true opinions if the baby has been born but it doesn't change their actual opinion on the name.

You say that once people know the sex and the name they lose interest, it sounds like you're maximising the amount of attention you'll get once the baby arrives. A friend of mine did this and was bitterly disappointed - people were happy but then they let her get on with it. It was the same for me, no one is as interested as you are, by withholding all of the information it just makes you appear attention grabbing and people will just get sick of you and show no interest anyway.

You need a reality check quickly before people get massively fed up with you. Poor DH.

ALemonyPea Sat 31-Mar-18 08:48:28

Unclench a little op, you’ve got a fair few months to go of your pregnancy. Your DH is probably just as anxious as you and wanted to share the news with a friend who isn’t involved heavily in your personal life so is unlikely to tell family.

What are you going to do when the baby is here? Cover the pram as strangers might look at your baby without your permission?

mavismcruet Sat 31-Mar-18 08:51:43

A friend of a friend announced her baby name when she was about 20wks pregnant and when it was born nobody was interested because they knew the sex and name already - felt like they'd known him for yrs!

More likely she just had been watching too much Kim Kardashian et al and thought everyone should react like she had just given birth to The Messiah grin

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 31-Mar-18 08:54:03

This is not a healthy response. If your need for control is already presenting like this; I think seeing your doctor might be helpful - a child isn't going to be easily controlled either.

He agreed with you to keep it quiet, did for a while, went out with an old best friend who doesn't really know anyone else in your circle so was fairly safe, and told him. He perhaps wanted to talk about it; or wanted some support. He told you what he'd done. That's not unforgiveable, it doesn't make him not trustworthy.

M0reGinPlease Sat 31-Mar-18 08:54:38

Please calm down OP. I think it's a huge leap from him getting excited about being a dad and telling one friend a week early, to assuming he would blab your chosen name to all and sundry. I think you need to get a grip of these issues quickly because you've got bigger things to come when you're parents.

Lovemusic33 Sat 31-Mar-18 08:57:33

I think you are being a bit OTT, he was obviously excited so he told his friend. I don’t think I could keep it to myself for 12 weeks, I would have probably told my best friend or my mum. I know the first 12 weeks are when complications are more likely to happen but the fact he told his friend will not effect the outcome.

I hope your scan is all ok and your pregnancy goes well. Please remember that the child is as much your dh’s as it is yours so maybe he can make decisions too.

0hCrepe Sat 31-Mar-18 08:59:54

Don’t make it into a big thing.
The name/sex issue- I’m far more interested in someone’s actual new baby than their name and sex announcement. Talking about names before is chit chat. Though once a pregnant woman said oh we’re keeping the sex private like it was a big deal state secret. I just thought it was odd and it completely closed down the conversation. It’s put me off asking anything really because it seems some pregnant women are extremely easily offended. Reminds me of those people who say “don’t tell anyone but...” before everything to try and make it more interesting. It’s just tiresome.
It’s your life OP, no one is as interested in it as you are and unless you’ve got some shitty friends and family, they only really want the best for you whatever happens, but the thing they’ll be thinking about most is actually their own lives.

Joanna57 Sat 31-Mar-18 09:04:50


It's a baby. YOUR baby. Not a piece of property.

Hardly anyone else will be remotely interested, apart from maybe your mother and MIL.

I feel so sorry for your partner - it is his baby as well, but he is being made to feel like an outsider.

You really do need to take a reality check.

SenoritaViva Sat 31-Mar-18 09:08:24

It has happened and so now time to get over it. I think you're wanting him to suffer the consequences is rather strange, having told him you're disappointed is enough.

You are being over the top about breaking down all communication over baby names.

TheGrumpySquirrel Sat 31-Mar-18 09:11:09

Wow I know this is AIBu but the responses are full on nasty and bonkers. So no one is allowed to keep their pregnancy private before 12 weeks now because MC aren't that taboo any more? Ffs. People are allowed to set boundaries re privacy and if my DH did this against what we had agreed and without discussion I'd be really upset.

FantasticButtocks Sat 31-Mar-18 09:11:12

Sorry you're feeling so stressed and out of control. flowers can you think of it this way - when you need to talk about it and offload you can come on MN and discuss your DH, your baby and other private things with strangers on the Internet...your DH also needs to offload sometimes and has chosen to share this with a friend. Just different ways of coping. At least he is interested and engaged enough about this baby to want to tell someone, and that's a good thing. Try not to let this eat you up, try to let it go. He made a mistake. You'll feel better if you don't let this become bigger than it needs to be. And, congratulations 🎉

thethoughtfox Sat 31-Mar-18 09:11:44

It might be your pregnancy but it's his baby just as much as yours and he has rights and feeling that should be just as respected. Did you post hoping people would suggest consequences for you to punish him with?

AnnaT45 Sat 31-Mar-18 09:12:31

OP I can see why you'd be annoyed but you're not trying to see it from his side. He's clearly excited and wanted to share it.

If something bad were to happen don't undervalue how devastated it will be and how you'd need emotional support to get through it.

I'm a bit worried for you because having a baby is a big loss of control, first in pregnancy and then when it arrives. You can't control most of the stuff so I think you'd benefit from speaking to someone about all this.

Also, you're having a baby with your DH and say you don't trust him. Is it really because of this one indiscretion?

Just try think about this all calmly and from both sides.

frazzledtired Sat 31-Mar-18 09:14:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joanna57 Sat 31-Mar-18 09:15:59

My DD did her pregnancy test at my house, when she was 1 day late for her period.

The result was positive - 1 week 3 days approx.

Her DH and DSD were sat in the garden having a beer.

They were the next to know.

She had a scan at 7 weeks 4 days. Another at 12 weeks, then 16 weeks, then 20 weeks and at 22 weeks.

Her next one is at 24 weeks and I have been with her for every single one.

I will also her birthing partner, along with her DH.

It has been my greatest joy to share this pregnancy with my DD.

So glad she is not manipulative, or secretive, or controlling.

SenoritaViva Sat 31-Mar-18 09:17:25

@thegrumpysquirrel I don't think people are saying you can't keep it private, I think the OP has stirred up feelings in people by wanting her DH to 'suffer consequences' and that her response is over the top.

I suspect if she'd posted 'aibu to be annoyed that DH shared our news before scan' many people would've said yanbu.

Joanna57 Sat 31-Mar-18 09:18:18


Hope you will be ok.

This is when family come into their own.

Oh, and I agree with every word you posted.

reddington Sat 31-Mar-18 09:20:18

if we discuss names before the birth he will go telling people them as well!

You sound like seriously hard work. Other than your close family no-one really cares about the sex or name whether they know before or not. I suspect that the only thing they actually care about is that you’re both healthy. The birth of your child isn’t some massive news story.

Findingdotty Sat 31-Mar-18 09:21:52

Don't get too stressed about it. In the grand scheme of things your DH got excited and made a small mistake. He possibly doesn't feel the anxiety that you are feeling in early pregnancy. I think it's not something men feel as much unless there is a history causing them too.

Good luck with your pregnancy OP.

jaseyraex Sat 31-Mar-18 09:22:15

OP, in the nicest way possible, no one gives a shiny shit if you're pregnant. No one cares what you'll name it, no one cares what sex the baby is, no one cares how much it weighs. Only you and DH and probably your family care about these things.
Telling a random friend is not the end of the world. If god forbid you were to have a miscarriage or any problems then it would be up to DH to tell that friend, not you. But even if something did go wrong and you were to tell them, you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it. It's good to talk about it.
You sound anxious, I'd chat to a midwife about how you're feeling. Although it's common for people to wait until after the first scan, it's really not normal to have the reaction that you're having if someone doesn't follow that "rule". Control yourself OP, not your DH or your pregnancy.

Tainbri Sat 31-Mar-18 09:23:01

YANBU. He should have respected your wishes, especially if was agreed. It doesn't matter whether others think it's a big deal, it is to you. My mother blabbed when I asked her not to. It meant my IL's found out from one of her friends!! I was livid. You should be able to trust your DH despite his excitement! And congratulations by the way flowers

smithsinarazz Sat 31-Mar-18 09:23:56

I'd be miffed in your place - you agreed something, he went against it - but do try not to be too upset. Some of us just can't keep it to ourselves. I was the one going round telling the world and his wife at about 6 weeks gestation while DH kept completely quiet smile

labcat Sat 31-Mar-18 09:25:58

You really need to chill out.

When the baby arrives you will
Not be able to control anything in your life so you really need to start trying to be a bit less control freak.

Your pregnancy isn't just your news and you cannot control someone else if they are in the moment being excited and blurt it out.

It happens. Get over it!

frazzledtired Sat 31-Mar-18 09:26:05

Thanks @Joanna57 x

Aragog Sat 31-Mar-18 09:28:39

*How do I explain missed miscarriage or abortion after any problems if those things were to happen!?*

Well ime I didn't tell people and had a miscarriage. As I then felt so dreadful and not overly well, I had the double blow of telling those closest to me all 'the news' that I'd not only been pregnant but if then lost the baby. Having kept it a secret before didn't make the process easier.

And I refuse to hide things like a miscarry - it's not a secret that should be hidden under the carpet.

When I finally got pregnancy again over a year later we told close people way before the scan / the support was useful. And I had really bad morning sickness so it was almost impossible to hide anyway.

Your partner doesn't need to 'pay' or 'suffer' - he got excited and told a friend. It's his news and his baby as mush as it is yours.

Tailfeather Sat 31-Mar-18 09:28:52

Wow! Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but I do think you are being extremely unreasonable.

Tailfeather Sat 31-Mar-18 09:32:39

if we discuss names before the birth he will go telling people them as well!

You sound like seriously hard work. Other than your close family no-one really cares about the sex or name whether they know before or not. I suspect that the only thing they actually care about is that you’re both healthy. The birth of your child isn’t some massive news story.

Agreed! People will be pleased and happy for you - but all of this keeping the name secret or the sex secret (if you choose to find out) because you want to make s big announcement is so self-obsessed. Nobody else will really care.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 31-Mar-18 09:34:07

YANBU at all. There are very good reasons why people wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone. You know this and are being sensible.

It's not about owning news, or any of the other rubbish being spouted here (I am shocked at the blase insensitivity of the first two pages of this thread, haven't read further). It is that you do have to be aware that anyone who knows early, may become someone who knows about a miscarriage, that you mightn't have wanted to discuss with them. It becomes an emotional burden, or just awkward, for them too.

Your DH doesn't seem to have thought that through. He is letting his excitement override his responsibility to care for you and your feelings, whatever happens.

Best wishes for your scan and everything going wonderfully - most likely it will smile

Piffle11 Sat 31-Mar-18 09:35:41

I know where you're coming from: when I was pregnant with first DC my DH was chatting to a friend - not close friend, more part of the wider group of friends - and this man told DH he and his GF were having a baby. So DH told him our news in confidence ... before we knew it all of our close friends knew about it via this man rather than us being able to tell them ourselves. DH was gutted. Also, we told his DM when I was about 9 weeks: I was in my late 30s and nervous that all would be ok: asked both our DMs to keep quiet until after our scan. My DM kept her mouth shut, but apparently MIL didn't: at a family wedding we got out of our car in the church car park only to have some relative I'd never met shriek 'ooh congratulations! When's baby due?' I was absolutely furious, plus felt awful for the bride (like I was trying to upstage her, I hardly knew her). I wouldn't have cared but MIL didn't even seem that interested when we actually told her about the pregnancy in the first place. My DSis confided her early pregnancy in a friend: week or so later she ran into this friend's DM who says 'I hear you're having a baby!' She hadn't even told my DM at this stage. I think it's always best to keep it to yourself - when we had 2nd DC we didn't tell MIL until way after my 12 weeks scan.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 31-Mar-18 09:36:41

As Aragog says, the people you tell early, if you wish to, are the people you'd be looking to for support, if something did go wrong. Is this friend such a person? Has your DH even thought about that?

Olympiathequeen Sat 31-Mar-18 09:37:14

I feel sorry for your DH. You are massively overreacting. He told a distant friend who presumably isn’t going to plaster it all over Facebook. Ask him to containment his friend and to keep the news private until your scan if you are concerned about it’s outcome. No harm has been done.

As for the names nonsense, get a grip.

Aragog Sat 31-Mar-18 09:37:22

*There are very good reasons why people wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone.*

But what are these good reasons?
Incase you lose the baby? Why is that still, in this day and age, a thing to be hidden away from your family and friends?
I case there is a problem with the baby? Again, why does this need to be a secret?

Personally I needed some support when I had a miscarriage. Not telling people would not have been helpful.

And I refuse to keep miscarriages as some dark mysterious hidden taboo.

Appuskidu Sat 31-Mar-18 09:37:48

Oh my goodness, you sound incredibly hard work!

Do be careful that your husband doesn’t just not telling you things because he’s avoiding ‘setting you off’! I wouldn’t blame him.

Aragog Sat 31-Mar-18 09:39:42

*or just awkward, for them too.*

And I'm certainly not hiding a miscarriage away to protect other people's feelings! Surely time had moved on from this?!

lottiegarbanzo Sat 31-Mar-18 09:41:06

Aragog XP - in which I've answered your point.

As you say, telling people about pregnancies and miscarriages is a personal choice. You take a particular approach. OP takes her own. What would be massively unreasonable would be for you or anyone else to conscript OP into your 'openness about miscarriage' campaign against her wishes.

AnathemaPulsifer Sat 31-Mar-18 09:41:12

You won't know if there are abnormalities that might make you consider an abortion until the 20 week scan - surely you weren't planning on keeping it secret that long? You'd look mad.

You've acknowledged you're a bit of a control freak. Through this whole parenting thing you're going to need to remember it's the dad's kid too!

ProperLavs Sat 31-Mar-18 09:42:03

Oh, has the op disappeared then? Come back op.

diddl Sat 31-Mar-18 09:43:20

"Aww bless he's excited"

What is he-a kid with a new toy??

No, an adult who should be able to keep schtum!

Op, you know that if anything goes wrong then sadly who you have or haven't told won't be the cause.

But I completely get the idea of not wanting to deal with other people's upset/sympathy.

Don't think that it would be something to be ashamed of though-that would be putting too much pressure on yourself.

Hopefully the person who has been told won't be telling all & sundry so you can still tell others in your own time.

Try not to stress or "punish" your husband.

Hope that all goes well for the scan & that you're sharing your news as you wish soon with your "nearest & dearest".

DBoo Sat 31-Mar-18 09:44:05

I get this in a way but I think you're thinking too much about it.

Your baby is important to you and DH but other people are not normally that invested although they will be happy and care for it it's not the same.

I wouldn't worry about miscarriage either nobody wants to talk about miscarriage so if the worst was to happen noone will talk about it it will simply be forgotten about. If you had to make a difficult choice about the pregnancy it would be easy to pass that off as a miscarriage too.

Jobjobjob Sat 31-Mar-18 09:44:31

As you've say you don't trust him anymore...LTB? That could be the consequence?

Honestly you sound like a nightmare, won't discuss the three names you like prior to birth? Suppose you've DH aka father of baby doesn't like your limited choice, what then?

BakedBeans47 Sat 31-Mar-18 09:44:57

OP, chill out and give the guy a break.

He was probably tipsy and a bit excited. It’s big news to keep to yourself!

And the comment about changing the baby’s name if he tells someone is frankly ridiculous.

You’ve got a very long nearly 30 weeks ahead of you if you don’t calm down a bit and stop stressing over fuck all.

alwaysontimeneverlate Sat 31-Mar-18 09:46:20

Op I assume this is your first pregnancy, and to be frank you're being a-bit precious. It his baby too!

ForTheLoveOfGrace Sat 31-Mar-18 09:47:26

Totally understand why you're upset just remember though you're hormonal & can exacerbate feelings. You're DH might need an outlet too being excited but probably nervous till the scan & needs someone to talk too.

Good luck next week.

Viviennemary Sat 31-Mar-18 09:49:17

Yes he shouldn't have told his friend. But your reaction is very OTT and you need to get a grip on this and realise that. If you can do this I think that's a start. And all this not discussing names in case anyone finds out the 'secret'. Really I'd suggest you think about counselling before this gets totally out of hand.

Whocansay Sat 31-Mar-18 09:52:26

OP, your hormones are going to be all over the place at the moment. You are blowing all this totally out of proportion. YABU. Please don't punish your husband for being excited.

You seem to have a lot of concerns about the pregnancy, which is understandable. I think you should have a conversation with your midwife. Hopefully, it will allay some of your concerns.

AverageSnowflake Sat 31-Mar-18 09:54:49

OP I genuinely think you should consider getting help. You are controlling and irrational and quite frankly seem deranged. I feel sorry for your DH.

FilthyforFirth Sat 31-Mar-18 09:57:49

Well we told everyone just before the 12 week scan as we had suffered a massive unexplained bleed. We then told everyone what our choice of name was for both a boy and a girl and then confirmed that we were having a boy. Guess what, I had loads of visitors to the hospital and our house for our pfb and everyone was excited about meeting him despite already knowing his name! You sound very OTT...

viques Sat 31-Mar-18 10:03:02

ballerini congratulations to you and your OH on your pregnancy. I am going to ignore the irony of announcing it to thousands on mumsnet before telling your family and friends!

I think you are being a bit harsh to your OH. He is clearly thrilled at the prospect of parenthood and is desperate to share the joy. And I think you should be too, what you are doing together is a wonderful thing, the most amazing miracle of nature, and you and your OP should be enjoying every moment of it, not worrying and fretting about who knows what, about the baby's sex, about names. I am not surprised that he felt he had to tell someone, living with you at the moment must be like walking on eggshells in case the big secret gets out.

Relax, enjoy your pregnancy together. Let your friends and family enjoy your good news too. In fact I think Easter weekend is a perfect time to let all the fluffy chicks and bunnies out of the bag and tell everyone.

NorthernKnickers Sat 31-Mar-18 10:05:38

You really need to get a grip.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 31-Mar-18 10:14:39

OP I think the thing to do is have a chat with your DH, reminding him why you didn't want the news to be shared yet.

There is a vicious circle with miscarriage that because people don't talk about it very much, other people, especially those who haven't gone through a pregnancy, have no idea how common it is, so assume that early pregnancy equals baby. Your DH should have done enough reading or listening to know better by now.

Telling people early is a very personal choice. Different people need and want very different levels of support and involvement. What matters here is whether you and DH would want immediate support from anyone outside your relationship if anything went wrong. The more private person's wishes have to trump the other person's, at this stage.

There's nothing stopping the less private person from seeking wider support later, if something did go wrong.

There is also nothing stopping you or anyone from talking about a miscarriage afterwards, perhaps long afterwards, when they are ready to, with the people they choose.

That is a way of letting people know this happens, that is relevant to the feelings of the person concerned. There is absolutely no obligation on you or anyone, to set yourself up as some sort of public information case study, at the time of your pregnancy.

lottiegarbanzo Sat 31-Mar-18 10:26:29

And I do also want to say sorry for talking so much about miscarriage on a thread about your pregnancy. It is of course relevant to your reason for posting.

The most likely thing is that all will be well and you'll have a lovely baby in about six months. Congratulations flowers

Snoopysimaginaryfriend Sat 31-Mar-18 10:30:01

How do I explain missed miscarriage or abortion after any problems if those things were to happen!?

I don't believe in tempting fate but I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private! If I become not pregnant any more it will need to be explained!

It's not about owning news, or any of the other rubbish being spouted here (I am shocked at the blase insensitivity of the first two pages of this thread, haven't read further). It is that you do have to be aware that anyone who knows early, may become someone who knows about a miscarriage, that you mightn't have wanted to discuss with them. It becomes an emotional burden, or just awkward, for them too.

Wow. Just unbelievable.

This is why I still find it hard to talk about my miscarriages.

Appuskidu Sat 31-Mar-18 10:31:30

I hope your DH reads this thread and sees that he really hasn’t done anything wrong.

PinkyBlunder Sat 31-Mar-18 10:38:12

You’re being Pregzilla. You’re going to have a really tough 9 months if you continue so you might want to consider chilling the fuck out.

FYI miscarriage isn’t a shame. I’d check that attitude if I were you.

KidLorneRoll Sat 31-Mar-18 10:49:20

My OH and I had agreed not to tell anyone before the 12 weeks scan, and then completely failed to keep the secret. Nobody was hurt during this process, it's just that keeping it under wraps is really, really hard, because it's an incredibly exciting and equally terrifying time.

Give the poor guy a break, if you are fighting over such small issues now you are going to find the business of actually looking after the kid pretty difficult.

BlueSuffragette Sat 31-Mar-18 10:49:22

You need to chill out. The baby is 50% of him too and so he should enjoy having discussions about choosing names. He is excited about becoming a parent. You sound too stressed. Talk to your midwife about it. Enjoy some 'us' time with your husband and try and relax more. Talking about not trusting him sounds way too over the top.

PasstheStarmix Sat 31-Mar-18 10:56:32

@ballerini I completely understand for point of view. I told close family and friends straight away (basically people that would help me through should anything go wrong god forbid) and told them not to tell anybody else as wanted distant relatives and friends/colleagues to find out after the 12-13 week scam. Yet my parents ended up telling all the distant relatives (aunt and uncles etc) and not honouring my wishes. I was very disappointed as I wanted to make sure baby was healthy before I told everyone. Because of this reason of me and dh have a second we’re not telling anybody until after the scan! Hopefully you’re dh’s friend doesn’t know the same people you do and nobody else will find out before your scan.

PasstheStarmix Sat 31-Mar-18 10:56:42


PasstheStarmix Sat 31-Mar-18 10:57:04

scan* that should say!

PasstheStarmix Sat 31-Mar-18 10:57:51

and if* sorry about the typos, I have a dodgy phone

RowenaDedalus Sat 31-Mar-18 11:04:25

I know the wait for your 12 week scan is so nerve wracking but I wouldn't fall out with your DH over this. Things are not 'safe' after 12 weeks, there are no guarantees until baby is with us sadly. i know the feeling of frustration when people know and you didn't want them to, everyone at my work got an email when I was absent for the first scan. I was really pleased that all my colleagues knew before my own parents!!
Just try to relax OP and forgive your partner.

MulderitsmeX Sat 31-Mar-18 11:06:25

My first pregnancy DH blabbed to a couple of friends pre 12 week scan, they were happy and excited etc. Then I had a MMC, the fact that his 2 mates knew was literally bottom of the list of things I gave a fuck about at that point.

With DS he also blabbed the name to a friend, the friend said ooh that's a nice name and then they chatted about something else (I was there so was a bit hmm at DH)

It's really not a big deal although I appreciate how stressful the not knowing of early pregnancy can be so flowers for you and I hope your scan goes well xx

RowenaDedalus Sat 31-Mar-18 11:07:15

Also there is a pervading attitude that once you've seen the baby at 12 weeks you know it's healthy. Actually they check for health issues at 20 weeks. At my 12 week scan as we were waiting to go in another couple came out and the man said 'now I know everything will be ok with the baby I don't need to come to the next scan in 8 weeks.' Nobody knows anything really at 12 weeks and although the likelihood is that all is well it's important not to see the first scan as 'proof' that all is well.

Amanduh Sat 31-Mar-18 11:07:15

Wow you need to calm down. What a massive over reaction. Simple - don’t decide on a name until the baby is born

pinkiepie1 Sat 31-Mar-18 11:09:04

I think you're being a bit unfair, I suffered a miscarriage and only parents knew but we needed support.
When I found out I was pregnant again only parents knew but when I got to 12 week slowly started telling people. At 24 weeks she was born and died 2 days old so it really doesn't matter if it's at 7 week or 30 week unfortunately sometimes things happen which we can't help.

Regards to the name when my youngest daughter was born a year ago, we hadn't agreed on any names, mentioned a few to parents and a few friends but nothing set in stone.
I had a traumatic birth and dd who's was 3 ended up being there and she picked her sisters name. She told everyone who went passed that her little sister is called X her dad just agreed so I was told what our child was called lol.
Maybe if I wasn't going into shock I would have objected but she was healthy i didn't care.
Luckily the name is ok and has grown on me, it's nothing stupid. I'm just lucky that she was into trolls at the time and not like Pokemon lol.

RowenaDedalus Sat 31-Mar-18 11:10:44

Very sorry for the loss of your little girl @pinkiepie flowers

lottiegarbanzo Sat 31-Mar-18 11:17:33

While the 12 week doesn't tell you the baby is healthy, it does show whether there is a baby or not. MMCs are pretty common.

Tiredmum100 Sat 31-Mar-18 11:21:10

I think you are massively over reacting. To you being pregnant is a big deal. To others it really isn't. His friend probably doesn't even care that much. I wouldn't think he's going to go around telling everyone. Maybe ask your partner to text him and ask him to keep to it to himself until you've had your scan. So you're oh was excited and told his friend. It's really not the end of the world. I named my first before he was born, yes everyone knew the sex and name before hand but everyone (close family and friends who actually cared) was still excited when he arrived. It didn't spoil things. Give your oh a break and good luck with your scan I wish you all the best.

pinkiepie1 Sat 31-Mar-18 11:22:31

Thanks, it was a hard time but I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe if she would have survived I wouldn't have my 2 daughter's now. X

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