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AIBU?

To absolutely hate my life?

80 replies

itwillbeok12 · 24/03/2018 23:42

I have name changed as I know this isn’t going to make me popular but here goes.

I absolutely hate my life but I have no reason to and no idea why I do.

I messed up at school but was the funny one so had loads of friends and didn’t care about grades or exams but unbelievably after messing about for a couple of years I have managed to carve out a career in a really good industry and earn well above the average way salary as does my dh so we have no money worries at all.

My dh is amazing one of those men who every woman wants to be married to and we have 6 year old twins (1boy, 1 girl). He is British but grew up in South Africa and deep down I always think he would rather be over there than here. This was everything I thought I wanted when I was younger but I hate it. I cook, clean, cuddle my kids and make sure they know I love them but inside I’m screaming. If I could walk away right now and know it wouldn’t hurt them I would do it.

I have lost all my friends as I was the first in my age group to have children where I am (London) and I’m so jealous when I see them all out together via Facebook pictures and I’m sat at home reading bed time stories. I hate parents evening, I hate making lunches, I hate the paintings my kids do me that I have to stick of my fridge but most of all I hate that I hate it, I want to love it , to feel proud of what my children are achieving to really mean it when I tell them I love them, most of all to not resent them because they have their whole lives ahead of them and mines gone.

So here I am at 38 wondering where the time went, why I made so many mistakes and what I can do to make this right? I know I’m going to be judged but if anyone has any actual advice or knows how I feel I would be grateful to hear it?

OP posts:
LeighaJ · 24/03/2018 23:55

I don't know what to say other than talk therapy before you start hating your kids too. Confused It sounds like you need professional help, not MN help.

mancmummy1414 · 24/03/2018 23:56

No experience but didn’t want to read and run. It sounds like you could have depression / PND. How old are your kids? It can manifest years after birth.
Not judging you at all here but I really do feel for both you and your kids. (The pictures thing made me feel so sad for you all) it can’t be easy for them seeing their mum feeling so negative, and for you these feelings combined with the guilt of them must be weighing you down something chronic.
I’m getting the impression it’s a mental state issue, rather than a stuck in a rut issue; I would advise speaking to your gp about how you feel - if you can then I would definitely recommend counselling. I went privately and it was a million times more effective for me than the services offered by my local council - if that’s an option for you then go for it.
Good luck, and you still have your whole life ahead of you Flowers

TheSnowFairy · 24/03/2018 23:57

Sounds like you are depressed. Good that you have a lovely DH, children and decent job - have you spoken to your DH about how you feel? If not I'd recommend your GP.
Flowers

RainOnATinRoof · 25/03/2018 00:45

Not everyone finds fulfilment in family life, so YANBU. But what is it that you feel you are missing out on by having a family - is it adventure, time to yourself, spontaneity etc? Once you figure out what you’re yearning for, it will be much easier to work out how to re-introduce it to your life

itwillbeok12 · 25/03/2018 00:47

Thanks for the replies, the twins are 6. I try not to show any negative feelings around them, I smile and tell them I love the pictures but I feel bad I want them to have a mum who truly cares. I can’t talk to dh because I don’t want him to feel bad, he does everything to try and make me happy but it doesn’t. We never planned on having children because he didn’t want them (we were going to travel the world) but when I fell pregnant I wanted to carry on with it and he stood by me then when the kids were born he fell in love with them straight away but it just didn’t happen for me.

OP posts:
Puffycat · 25/03/2018 00:52

You really need to seek help. You are crying out inside and feeling angry at yourself for not being content with what you have (which is a lot)
Please speak to your GP or a very good friend, you say you’ve lost your friends? This sounds more like a symptom of your situation not a cause.
I wish you all the best and I’m so sorry you feel this way

Domino20 · 25/03/2018 00:53

Oh I'm so sorry you feel like this. Are there activities you do that make you happy? Or do you feel this burden constantly?

Mrsfloss · 25/03/2018 00:55

I really hear you and understand. It’s relentless with kids of that age and for me was mind numbing. It does get easier.

Do you think you may be depressed?

Is there anyone at school gate you could go for coffee with. Join the group On FB of mumsnetters in similar positions.

Have you had a drink tonight and everything feels worse?

How do you want your life to look at 38?

SpecialDelivery22 · 25/03/2018 00:57

Maybe knowing that (yes a cliche) this time is so bloody precious....you will never have this back. ..
I'm probably biased though as my children's circumstances are different ...I honesty love every moment and appreciate every fight, tantrum and attitude but I may not appreciate them if circumstances were different so I'm not here to judge ..
Just to give a much thought about view and hoping it helps.

GrockleBocs · 25/03/2018 00:57

Are you back at work?

itwillbeok12 · 25/03/2018 02:14

Domino I don’t do anything, I’ve tried but any enjoyment I used to get from going to the gym or anything like that I just don’t feel it anymore.
Mrsfloss I have a few ‘mummy’ friends but I hate the conversations, everyone going on about how wonderful their children are and how proud they are of them it just makes me feel worse and like I don’t fit in with them, to be honest I get bored. I long to go out with my old friends like I used to but on the rare occasion they still invite me I decline to stay in and put my children to bed who are already mad at me for not making it back in time from work to pick them up from school.
Grocklebocs yes I went back after 10 months, I hadn’t planned to but dh lost his job around this time and as I earned more it made sense that I went back to work and he stayed at home, I think he knew I was going a bit crazy doing nothing all day.

OP posts:
MirriVan · 25/03/2018 02:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNot · 25/03/2018 02:31

I know we are all supposed to go "oh you poor thing" but really.....you have SO much more than so many people.
You are only 38, with no financial worries, a lovely husband, two children, a house, a great job. What is the problem again? My first thought was "oh just grow up". I know that's not the done thing, but do you have any idea how tough life is for, well, most people??
But yeah, depression, etc. Sorry I'm not helping. Seriously though.

Rollonweekend · 25/03/2018 02:50

I don’t think you’re depressed. I think you need to find a purpose. Whether that is through a job, getting involved in a local charity or polical party,

You need to find a passion.... can you start investigating something like that?

Puffycat · 25/03/2018 02:55

A passion? Not being funny but surely 6 yr old twins could be a passion?
OP needs to talk to someone

Starface · 25/03/2018 02:56

I agree with others about some sort of therapy. But I think maybe that's part of what looks like a need for "self care". If you work, plus cook clean and generally fulfill the mum stereotypes, it doesn't leave much space for you as a person.

I have at times felt like this. It hasn't stayed too long, but does ebb and flow. I made an active decision to reduce the housework load so I could enjoy spending time with my kids. "Quality time". But yes I enjoy making Peppa pig puzzles more without an overwhelmingly to do list. I got a cleaner and do "easy" meals - ignoring the in laws guilt for not cooking everything in complicated recipes from scratch. Healthy but easy.

Also between my second and third I took part in a training course and paid for additional childcare to go to classes. Investing in myself which felt good. Career related but that is v important to me.

I also made a number of "bucket lists". One is lifetime goals. But another is just small stuff I keep putting off eg going to those lavender fields or going on hols to Pembrokeshire. I have every right to make family days out about what I want. I am finding some of these things have been put off for 10 years. Fuck it, it's my life too and it's going to pass me by if I don't do what I want. I think both these things have been important because they have kept "me" and my own personal thoughts, identity, existence alive. I could do a hobby but I'm not really motivated enough. I would like to read more novels, but end up mimsnetting instead. Which I also like. The lifetime goals remind me of my core values, and I am slowly chipping away at them. It gives me a bit of focus. I also have a list of places to visit, though I'm not an obsessive holiday bucket list person. But basically I'm not going to only roll with others wants/needs. Mine are in there as part of the mix. If you know what they are you are more likely to make them happen.

This all redresses the balance. I also look at friends who can't have kids/divorced/died young, and it does help me feel grateful for my life to be reminded of that. I don't say that to make you feel ungrateful, as clearly I think YANBU. But it helps me with those sorts of feelings.

I have to say also, my connection to old friends can feel very one sided. I also had kids younger than my cohort, and they have closer relationships than I do with them. I invariably make the first contact to initiate conversation and meet up. This does make you feel less valued. But I really value people who have known me pre-dc. It helps me keep that continuity of self. Even if I only manage yearly contact, I am fighting hard to keep it alive. I don't know if I can keep it up though.

Tantpoke · 25/03/2018 03:02

You are exhausted and a bit depressed and you need to see your GP who will help you. Book an appointment on Monday.

You need to rest, you need a weekend of fun with girl friends to feel a bit like the old you. And stop looking at bloody Facebook or at least realise that a lot of your friends will be jealous of you, your lovely DP and gorgeous children. But really none of you should be jealous of anyone.

Just invite a few friends round for pizza and wine and a catch up and make sure your DH stays upstairs out of the way with the twins.

Justmyownself · 25/03/2018 03:05

You sound perfectly sane and normal to me OP.

People have been brain washed into believing that becoming parents is the be all and end all.it isn't.

Juat because you had kids, it doesn't mean that you have to stop being you. So STOP feeling guilty for realising what most seem to have forgotten.

Pandoraphile · 25/03/2018 03:05

On paper I have a pretty good life. I'm with a man I love and respect completely and who adores me, I have two wonderful daughters who are privately educated. We have several holidays each year (including things like surfing trips for the weekend, not long haul every time!). I work freelance from home in a very coveted role. I earn reasonable money but I don't need to work at all if I don't want to because my partner earns a lot of money in a very highly respected profession. I love my home, we live in a Grade II listed property right in the centre of a quaint village. We also have holiday homes in Italy and the US.

BUT.

I have a mental illness. I am heavily medicated and will be for life. This impacts on my life. When I'm really bad I can't cope with anything. I rely on people (my sister mainly) to take over my day to day running of the house. I can't shop or cook or walk the dogs. I can't get out of bed. I can't make myself care about anything. Everything is overwhelming and feels too much.

And if I go too far the other way I drink too much, spend too much, make crazy decisions and fill my house with people to party with.

Even during my 'good' times my mind is constantly racing, if I'm going to do anything I obsessively overthink which means that I'm worn out by the very idea. I long to just be NORMAL. Live my life.

I could go on but that's a snapshot. My point is that you can have the most golden life with the most amazing houses, cars, holidays, etc and yet not be able to enjoy or appreciate it if your mental state is so bad that everything seems hopeless.

OP - seek medical advice. Whatever the root cause of your unhappiness, this is the first step on the way to identifying it.

Tantpoke · 25/03/2018 03:06

unless of course you are inviting round male and female friends, that would just be weird otherwise

missperegrinespeculiar · 25/03/2018 03:13

well, yes, of course you could be depressed, so check it out with your GP

But you don't really sound depressed, you sound bored and unhappy, you say you didn't want children, so I guess you were imagining a different life for yourself, then you took a gamble with going on with the pregnancy and now you find it was the wrong decision

I know it's not the done thing to say it, but some people DO regret having children, doesn't necessarily mean they don't love them, but they just don't enjoy them

I always consider myself lucky I not only love my kids but actually really enjoy the day to day, and I think it really is just a matter of luck, so fulfilled mummies would do good not to judge those who are not! But your kids are here, and it's not their fault you made a mistake, but nor is it yours.

If I were you, I would do two things, first, allow myself to be the best mother I could be, meaning forget all stereotypes of what "mummy" should be like and do, and just do it the best way YOU know how, second, I would try and think about ways of brining this life you have closer to the life you wanted, kids don't prevent you from doing at least some of the stuff you want to do, as long as you actually know what it is you want, you mention travelling the world, why not do that wiht children? it's possible

ReanimatedSGB · 25/03/2018 03:18

OK, how much of the domestic work and childcare does your H do? If you get to do it all whiile he sits watching the telly, then that's the answer to your misery and frustration right there.

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MiniMum97 · 25/03/2018 03:18

Not finder by enjoyment in things you used to find enjoyable is a classic sign of depression. And generally feeling like you can find no joy in your life is also a sign. If you never bonded with your twins after birth you may have had PND since then. Please go to your GP and get some help.

Daifuku9 · 25/03/2018 03:32

I don’t think you’re just bored as you recognize that you want to feel the affection you’re showing. I also thought depression when I read your comments about no longer liking the things you used to enjoy. Please go see a therapist and find out what’s really going on. I hope things get better for you.

ChickenMom · 25/03/2018 06:18

Are you working full time and doing all of the housework while your DH does the bare minimum? That would make me depressed too. I feel what you’re saying. Not everybody is cut out for family life. They just aren’t. We aren’t all the same. One thing I’d say is that twins are really bloody hard work. It’s relentless. Raising kids is relentless anyway but twins more so. I think coming off social media should be your first thing to do. Deactivate it all so you can’t compare your life to others. Ignorance is bliss. Then find a CBT counsellor. You could also look at mindfulness and yoga classes. I found that really helped with my negativity. You could also start writing a blog. Get your feelings out everyday.

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