AIBU to think some people just aren’t capable of losing weight and being healthy?

[Parrothead]

I feel so discouraged. My whole life I’ve teetered on the brink of being overweight but managed to stay in the “curvy but normal” category. I never really did anything to maintain that, it was just because I was young, I guess. I have always despised any form of exercise, and I’ve tried them all. Now I’m 40 and I’m 4 stone overweight and incredibly unhealthy. I feel disgusting and I don’t want to leave the house. I have a significant family history of heart disease and at the rate I’m going I’ll be another one to keel over from a heart attack in my 50s. I love my children so much and I want to be there for them. I also know the pain I felt when I lost my own parents and I want to spare them that as long as possible.

I’m embarrassed to say this but time and money are not an issue (within reason.) I have a lovely, supportive DH who somehow still thinks I’m beautiful. He is very active and would love for me to join him but he doesn’t care about my weight. My children are in school, I work p/t mostly from home and I can comfortably afford a gym membership, healthy meal delivery, personal trainer, etc. I’ve tried all of these things but I know in the end it has to come from me. Why can’t I do this for my children, if not for myself? I feel like I’m wasting my life. I know this is a total defeatist attitude but it just feels like I have so far to go to be healthy and happy with my body that even if I start something I won’t be able to keep it up long enough to get there. I really do want to change my whole way of life, not just a temporary diet. But does this ever really happen? Does a person like me who let it get to this point really have the ability to completely turn it around?

I spend so much time thinking about this but I can’t seem to translate it into action. I have ADD (inattentive type, not hyperactive) and I take medication that should inhibit my appetite but it doesn’t really. I’m also on an anti-depressant that I do think has helped, but maybe not enough. (It did not cause the weight gain though, that was there before.) In general I’m absolutely awful at sticking to any type of plan, schedule, or habit. It’s like I’m just unable to force myself to be uncomfortable. Tbh it takes so much willpower to just get my work done, get the kids where they need to be and do the minimum of housework. But I see so many people making healthy choices and it’s hard to believe they are all stronger than I am, but maybe they are.

I obsess about this constantly. It almost feels like if I knew for a fact that I would be like this for the rest of my life I could just accept it and try to make the best of it and enjoy whatever time I have. I know some people manage to make truly major changes in their lives, but maybe some of us just aren’t capable of that and we need to accept it. (More defeatist attitude I know.)

TL;DR— AIBU to think I’m not strong enough to change my life and be healthy?

[Lichtie]

Some people are luckier than others when it comes to being able to lose weight / not put it on.
But ultimately it is you that is in control

[Steamcloud]

I hear you op! The bit about it taking so much willpower just to get the necessities done rings true for me too (and I only have one child and work part time from home). I have a feeling that the answer lies in introducing a few, very small, simple changes very gradually, and building up, but I haven't even managed to stick to that. Good luck with it all anyway, I'm looking forward to seeing what other people say

[gabsdot]

I have a lot in common with you OP. I'm 48 and about 5 stone overweight now. It's starting to effect my health. I have asthma and am often breathless and I can't walk far.
I've tried lots of diets and have lost weight but I've never been able to keep it off and I'm very discouraged now.
I know it's my own fault. I'm greedy. I eat too much rubbish and not enough healthy food.
I think I'm probably going to either die before my time or be sick and dying for years.
I know I need to make changes but I feel overwhelmed.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

What is it that you think is making you fail? Too big portions? Eating the 'wrong' things not in balance?

I firmly believe that food addiction is more prevalent than we think it is. I recently watched (on Netflix) 'The Big Ward' and it was a real eye-opener. It was about 'sleeve' surgery and, the patients who had it done found a new lease of life. It was inspirational.

Sorry that you feel so down about this, it's one of those things that can totally absorb and encompass a person.

[firef1y]

Look at the photos...
The one on the left was taken Jan 2016, the one on the right Dec 2017. The woman in those pictures is me and over the space of around 20 months I lost 10 stone in weight, by doing nothing more than eating less and moving more. No faddy diet or banning foods, just making sure I ate less than I burnt (using a fitbit and myfitnesspal).

Over the same time I've gone from being unable to walk across a room without crutches to training for Brighton Marathon. I attend up to 10 exercise classes, have 5 PT and run 3 times a week.

Of course I didn't go from nothing to this overnight, I started by simply increasing my step count by 100 a day. Then I started going to a gym 2x a week and doing a very basic routine that the owner worked out for me. Then I started going to one class a week, then added in power lifting, then more classes, then discovered running......

But it takes little steps and dedication, once you've managed to make one small change and sustain it for a couple of weeks then you can make another.

[EatTheChocolateTeapot]

I think it could be possible. Could you for example get your shopping delivered with only healthy options (fruits and veg and perhaps some lean meat and limited amount of carbs)? You would just need to renew your order every week/every few days and you would have to eat healthy?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Goodness Firef1y, that is remarkable. Many congratulations to you.

[overmydeadbody]

It's about making small life changes that become your new normal. Make things like eating salad and protein for lunch your new normal. Cut out sugar in your tea/ coffee for good, slowly reduce portion sizes stuff etc. But only make changes that you want to sustain for life ( so no silly fads like liquid diets etc).

If it becomes habit your body craves it. It becomes normal. It just wouldn't occur to DH or me to eat fast food or not ready vegetables with a meal for example, and of at have no choice, it is not nice and we crave healthier food later.

This has come about through years of healthy eating to the point that out became habit.

[Parrothead]

I think what’s making me fail is sugar. My meals are OK but I snack in between and I have a vicious sweet tooth. I love soda — I know it’s poison and I’ve managed to largely give it up but sometimes I get a craving and I just have to stop and buy a coke. Then I drink it and feel awful afterward.

I’ve thought about getting a gastric balloon — it’s non-surgical as they insert it through your mouth uninflated and then fill it with saline. But it just sounds incredibly grim to go through. Apparently severe nausea is a common side effect that can last for weeks, and I just don’t think I can handle that. Plus it is really expensive. It’s not beyond my reach if I really think it’s the answer, but I don’t.

[overmydeadbody]

That is amazing firefly!!!!!

[Parrothead]

Wow Firef1y, what an accomplishment! Thank you for sharing your story. What do you think is the switch that made you able to finally sustain the changes you made? I say “finally” because I can only imagine you thought about it for a long time before you did it.

[overmydeadbody]

Just replace the sugary drinks for diet, so drink diet Coke.

Then slowly cut down.

See it this way: you could make small changes to your life that mean in three years time you will have lost weight and become healthier. You might view it as 3 years being far too long. But that three years is going to pass anyway, only if you make no changes you will probably be a little bit fatter and a little bit unhealthier. So you might as well make little changes to your life that you can sustain and that will slowly have an impact.

[WeirdAndPissedOff]

I'm in a similar position, OP.
I've found that one of my biggest problems is trying to do too much at once. So using coke as an example - I'll try to give up coke, thinking of replacing it with juice or something similar, then start thinking that juice isn't healthy either so I should just drink water, then want something "nice" to drink so just cave in and buy coke. Whereas I could have "allowed" a slightly unhealthy drink to start with as it's still better than coke, and progress from there.

It's easy to get overwhelmed when you start to think of all the things you'd need to do to live a really healthy lifestyle. But it doesn't have to be all at once - in fact success is more likely if you make small changes gradually.

So - baby steps, and don't go into "failure mode" and give up if it's not 100% successful right from the outset.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

When you say you work from home - would it be possible for you to rent an office somewhere to do your work? Is it 'being at home' that's to blame? What I mean is, if you had to go out to work, maybe somewhere within walking distance, would that force you to change your habits (plus snacks would be less available - you'd have to go out to get them and in the weather we've been having, would you bother?).

And I agree that little changes will help. One biscuit less a day won't make you feel deprived, but it's 365 less biscuits over a year...

[Petalflowers]

I feel,your pain.

I was always a size 12-14 which was fine for my 5’7” , pear shaped body. Then put on three stone due to medication in under three years. Now I weigh 13st, and can’t shift it for love or money.

I have cut out cakes, biscuits etc, change to sugar free cereals, stopped using ready-made sauces etc and any other hidden sugar products that I can think off. I did try slimming world, but never lost more than 1/2-1lb if I was lucky. Decided I was better off spend g the £5 weekly fee on better quality fruit etc.

I have tried doing more exercise, but sometimes life (ie family)get in the way.

Sorry, rant over. For someone who was always comfortable with their weight, even though I wasn’t one of the skinniest being s on the planet, this weight gain has been a shock.

[RemainOptimistic]

What do you hate about exercise? You say you've tried them all. Are you expecting to enjoy exercise?

It's exhausting, painful, sweaty.

That's it really.

[Isadora2007]

Do you WANT to change? Or do you feel you SHOULD change? That’s a key difference. What are you gaining from the food or the sodas? Is it some kind of reward for you? Something that you enjoy? Could you find other non food/drink rewards?
Do you do anything just for you currently? I hear you say you have support but I also hear a woman who does a lot for others and perhaps not so much for herself.

Look back to a time you enjoyed our body, what did that look like? What time of your life was that?

What can your body do or not do that you’d like it to? So often we see our bodies as what they look like and try to change that when really what they can DO is key.

Give yourself a big sheet of paper and write what you GAIN from the current way you live and what you LOSE.

And write some sentences starting

If I liked my body I would...

If I liked myself I would...

When I am happy I....

I enjoy....


Good luck

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Parrothead, Sugar is poison. Some people can tolerate/manage it better than others. There's no shame if you're not one of those people. One of my brothers is T2 diabetic and still likes to drink sugary pop. I've never liked it, not even as a kid, but I have my own 'demon foods' that I try to avoid.

I've heard better things about gastric sleeve than I have about a balloon or band. The sleeve is permanent and it requires a new and 'skinny person' way of eating. If you have Netflix, I'd really recommend that programme just so you can see what advances have been made.

I really agree with pp who've mentioned step-change habit revisions. Little things are do-able and it doesn't take long for them to 'take' and become part of your normal routine. Then you can pick up another one and incorporate it. None of this is easy, it's not like any other form of addiction because food is necessary for life - cigarettes, alcohol are not.

Are you getting/seeking any outside help? It sounds like you have a very supportive husband and perhaps he'd join in with some of the things that you might like to try rather than your joining in with his activities?

[Serialweightwatcher]

It is hard work and I need to pull my socks up at the moment, but when I have gone on a diet (usually weightwatchers) and lost well, I haven't done any exercise as such - just for now concentrate on eating better and less fatty, sugary stuff and maybe go for a walk on an evening and take it steady - it's so easy to get fed up and want instant results and usually that's why it doesn't work - Firef1y you are amazing - very well done

[TheJoyOfSox]

Everyone is capable, so yes, yabu. You are equally as capable as Firef1y you just seem to be lacking in will power. Lacking in will power is not the same as being incapable.
Massive respect and congratulations to @Firef1y.

You say sugar is your downfall, so find a sweet treat that you can enjoy, and work for it.
If you like to eat a Mars bar every night whilst watching telly, and a Mars bar has 400 calories, then make sure you walk off more than 500 calories in the daytime.

Small changes = big difference.
Only 100 calories more than you use each day means a two stone weight gain in 12 months. That’s the equivalent of ONE SLICE OF BREAD!
so enjoy your sweets, but make sure you walk far enough to use all the calories and a few more besides!

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

It goes deeper than not eating an extra slice of chocolate cake though. Sometimes it's an emotional factor and people can comfort eat due to loneliness or depression. Also people have can food addictions yet these people tend to be vilified and mocked. However we wouldn't dream of mocking someone with a drug alcohol or gambling addiction.

Oh well done, firefly. You look fab.

[Bubba1234]

I think for the majority of people is they don’t particularly enjoy exercise but they force themselves to do it.
I think if you find an activity you enjoy ( Zumba yoga football etc) it’s a lot easier to get up& go.
It really is so hard op. I feel for you.
I started the park run with my family & it’s a lot easier to get early on a sat morning cos I actually enjoy it & it’s fun & social as well. But getting up & going to a gym in my own I just wasn’t going at all cos it’s boring to me. If I were you I would look at active hobbies as a fun thing to do & the exercise is a bonus but don’t make that your main focus
I’m trying to move away from processed foods ( another mountain to climb ) buts it all about the small changes that became permanent.

[AlbertaSimmons]

You say you are unable to force yourself to be uncomfortable and I think that's the key. My pet theory is that for some people, uncomfortable sensations in their body are less tolerable than for others, and may be experienced as pain, which can be scary. I'm not one of these people but I do a great deal of exercise and it's interesting to see how other people in the class react.

Perhaps this is you, and if so, what PP are saying about small steps is right for you.

[CaptainCardamom]

I don't agree with the diet coke, or any artificial sweeteners. It's much better to train yourself to not want things to be so sweet. I don't always manage it as I'm a snack-lover too, but I have found that if you can reduce sugar, it starts to taste excessively sweet and you don't crave it as much.

However with artificial sweeteners, there is increasing (proper scientific, not just anti-aspartame woo) evidence that they are not good for your body and are strongly linked to weight gain. I think this has something to do with the body's reaction to sweet things, it is expecting energy and to have to deal with sugar, then it doesn't happen and the systems for dealing with sugar get confused. Also, diet foods tend to lead people to think they ave been "good" so they can compensate in other areas and end up taking in more calories.

I am just waiting for the artificial sweeteners to hit the headlines as a leading reason for the obesity epidemic.

[Tawdrylocalbrouhaha]

Seriously Firefly, fair play to you - especially for achieving it by moderate sustainable steps rather than extreme fads.

Sorry you're feeling discouraged OP. You can definitely turn things around, but I do believe some people just put on weight more easily than others, so you may just have to plug away a bit longer.