OH went to strip clubs before we met

[Pissedoff881]

Name changed.
Ok a bit of back story first -
Been with my partner for 2 years (I’m 29 and he’s 33) and we have had a fairly rocky relationship. The first few months involved him being so hot and cold with me all the time and he kept ending the relationship and then begging for me back. It was a total head fuck and I was quite vulnerable then as had just come out of a long term relationship with my ex.
Things started to get a lot better between us and a few months later I asked him why he had behaved like that at the start. He admitted it was partly to do with the fact he thought I was too overweight for him (I was a size 14 then and he knew what I looked like from date 1 so I don’t know why he didn’t just stop things from going any further then if it had been that much of a problem for him).
I felt humiliated and really hurt that he had treated me so badly for a few months because of that reason.
Like a fool though I stayed with him and the next year between us has been a lot better.
Last night he randomly told me that he has paid for private lap dances before in the past a few times (before we ever knew each other).
I feel AWFUL about this. Not only because i just don’t agree with strip clubs full stop for a lot of reasons, but also because I hate the thought that he has paid women he finds sexually appealing to grind naked on him, but treated me so badly because of my body shape.
I’ve lost a bit of weight but my self esteem is at rock bottom and I don’t know how to sort it out.

[xLeanne128]

Id be more concerned about how he is treating you and going hot and cold and been so disrespectful about your weight than him going to a strip club before you were even together. How is your relationship now? Does he treat you Good?

[MagicFajita]

Dump him. He sounds awful.

[Enuffsenuffsenuff]

He sounds horrid OP. Regardless of how you feel about lap dances there is everything else as well - the blowing hot and cold, saying cruel things about your weight. He doesn't sound like a nice man.

You're so young - and relationships don't have to be like this. Most men don't behave that way. You deserve someone who respects and loves you without qualifications and who thinks you're gorgeous. You're worthy of that! Are you sure this guy is the one who can provide it?

[kalinkafoxtrot45]

He doesn’t exactly sound like a prince among men. How does he treat you now?

[AnyFucker]

He's pretty inadequate, isn't he ?

You can do a lot better than this

[hidinginthenightgarden]

I wouldn't care about the lap dances if they were before you got together but I would have dumped him for the way he treated you.

[dangerrabbit]

Lose 13 stone rift away by getting rid of this loser.

[ConciseandNice]

This isn't really about the strip clubs, it's about the fact you are with a man with little to no respect for you. I am so sorry OP, please know that you are worth so much more. Being a size 14 is him clutching at straws for an excuse for treating you like shit. Also size 14 too big for him??? WTAF is that? There are a million (or many more) decent men out there who will feel that you are the sexiest babe they have ever had the good fortune to meet. Your partner is a creep - and it ain't got anything to do with strip joints. What he has done before being with you isn't relevant - it really isn't. Love yourself first, get rid of the guy!

[kaytee87]

He's pretty inadequate, isn't he ?

You can do a lot better than this

^ couldn't have put it any better

[firstevernamechange]

Ok, lots of issues here. It would help to pick them apart.

His treatment of you amd him visiting stripclubs when single are two seperate things.
He treated you appallingly in the past but ypu stayed on. He did something mildly controversial when single and you want to end things.

It sounds to me like you are lookinh for an excuse to break up. You don't need one. If you're not happy, break up with him now. If youbdo decide to stay you will need to put the stripclib thing behind you.

[Pissedoff881]

He is a lot better towards me now, much more loving and affectionate and never mentions my weight etc. He’s apologised for his behaviour at the start and said he knows he was a dick for treating me that way.
I just don’t know what to make of it all. I sort of feel like the damage has been done to my self esteem and I don’t know how to get past it

[OliviaStabler]

The strip clubs wouldn't bother me personally however the comment about my weight would have had him out the door.

[Sarsparella]

I sort of feel like the damage has been done to my self esteem and I don’t know how to get past it

Get rid of him :) you don’t deserve to have to deal with being with someone who’s been so cruel to you, why have that on your mind forever?

The strip clubs wouldn’t bother me in that people do all sorts of stupid things at some points in their lives and I wouldn’t want to be judged for mistakes I made before I knew DH - but how your DP has chosen to treat you personally isn’t acceptable, you can do better

[Pissedoff881]

I don’t think the fact he’d been to strip clubs in the past would bother me as much (we all have a past) if he hadn’t have made me feel so awful about my own body. The fact he’s found women so appealing that he was paying to see them get naked is too much to bear right now. I spent the first few months of our relationship constantly worrying because of how hot and cold he was. He would declare his undying love to me one day and then act like he couldn’t care less about me the next. It kept me in a constant heightened anxiety state. And still, 2 years down the line, I feel self conscious about being naked in front of him as I feel like he must be critiquing me still in his head.

[franklyshitmydear]

The strip club thing is a red herring in this story. What he did before he met you cannot be held against him. Good god, if we all did that then a huge proportion of healthy happy relationships wouldn't survive. His treatment of you when you first got together leaves a lot to be desired. Only you can decide if you want to keep going

[Skarossinkplunger]

I wouldn’t have a problem with the strip
clubs. I would have problem with everything else though. He sounds exhausting.

[NewYearNewMe18]

We all have a past, that cannot be changed.

However, if you feel you arent good enough for him, then this will really grind your relationship down. The issue with with your self esteem, which, anyone with a sense of self worth, being told they were over weight, would be opening the door and ushering your DP right out of it.

You are never going to be happy in this relationship. I'd leave.

[BlondeB83]

Please leave this awful man! The strip clubs aren’t the issue, him making you feel terrible about yourself is! Leave him! There are much better men out there!

[LolaTheDarkdestroyer]

Why did he randomly tell you? Obviously to make you feel like shit. I'd get rid.

[Lichtie]

So you asked a question and he gave an honest answer.... It doesn't sound like he was proud of it, and he doesn't think like this now?
I don't think you'll find any man who has never had a lapdance, I don't think that's a big deal if you weren't together at the time.

[whatisausername]

I think you are overreacting about the lap dances.
However the way he treated you regarding your weight is unacceptable

[Pissedoff881]

@Lichtie I didn’t ask him any questions. I’ve already told him I don’t want to know about anything from his past with things like that as it makes me feel insecure. He knows this but yet still decided to tell me last night about some lap dances he’s paid for in Stringfellows on nights out.

[ShatnersBassoon]

He sounds like one of life's losers who isn't enhancing your life. Get rid of this dead weight.

[TroubledLichen]

You want to know how to improve your self esteem?! You get rid of things in your life that don’t make you feel good about yourself. That includes the boyfriend who is trying to erode every last scrap of your confidence. You deserve so, so much more and should be with someone that loves you for who you are and makes you feel a million dollars. Don’t settle for anything less, especially not this emotionally abusuve asshole.

[strawberry1122]

Do you have any children with this man? I honestly don't think I could be with someone who I didn't feel comfortable in myself in front of him. Saying that though he hasn't mentioned it again so maybe he's got over it. You can't judge him going to strip clubs. Most guys have at some point or other. You can't judge someone on their past either.