To ask for positive adoption stories

[Littleredboat]

I know there’s an Adoption board but it doesn’t get shown in Active and as per my post below, I suspect the people I’m trying to reach aren’t reading it much.

We are considering adoption, we have been doing so on and off for many years.

I have been spending a LOT of time reading adoption forums, and they are full of stories of placement breakdown, extreme behaviours, family breakdown, violence etc.

I KNOW all children coming into care have experienced loss and trauma to various extents. Please don’t think I am not grasping this because I am. I know you cannot ever guarantee what needs your child will end up having and you must be prepared for the worst, that’s why I’m reading them. Over and over. I absolutely promise this isn’t a rose tinting exercise.

But I also suspect that people mostly post on forums when stuff is going wrong. Or when faced with extremes. Most of us don’t post the every day things going right in our lives. So I suspect that the forums are skewed more towards that end of things.

So I am asking: is there anyone out there who has a positive adoption story you could encourage me with please, to redress some sort of balance in my mind from the “inevitable apocalypse” place I feel in at the moment?

Thank you

[JustHappy3]

Tbh i would only really listen to people who have adopted - anyone coming along saying how perfect it is for their friend/family member probably (in the nicest way possible) doesn't really know.

[YoucancallmeVal]

My dad was adopted at 5. He adored his parents. He went on to have a very nice life and still does. He never wanted to find his birth parents as he felt so loyal to his adoptive parents. There were some issues with his adoptive dad's family (they wouldn't accept him) but on the whole it was a great thing for him and he adored his parents.

[weeboysmummy]

We adopted our little boy, he's 3 and been with us for two years. It's the best thing I've ever done, but I also know we've been very fortunate in that being so young, he's never experienced any trauma. We don't know what the future may hold, that's true, but we take it a day at a time. It was a long road to get here but I wouldn't change a thing now.

[user1485155939]

We adopted two children (siblings) in 2015 and although not everything has been plain sailing (what Is?!) I wouldn't change anything about them or what we have been through for the world - they are our world! As long as you surround yourself with that all important and supportive network of friends and family and keep talking to each other you will be fine 😊 good luck with whatever you decide.

[Newtothis2017]

I am adopted. I had a fantastic childhood. I have a brilliant relationship with my parents and siblings ( who are also adopted). I have met my birth parents and due to that I know the life I would have had if I wasn't adopted. I am so glad I was adopted. My parents are my parents and I think adoption can be wonderful.

[JennyJames]

The Adoption board is quite well visited here and you will get more balanaved answers there I suspect.

I have an adopted DS and DD. They have some issues, but nothing unmanageable. They are both academically behind quite significantly for example

The (very anecdotal) statistics are, that of the children who are adopted, 20% will have minor - no issues 60% ‘minor to moderate’ issues and 20% severe issues.

Of my friends who have adopted, we are the ‘lucky’ ones. That itself is a challenge as we can see our DC’s issues quite clearly but as they’re ‘not that bad’ it’s hard to get support.

But yes it’s true that on the boards, you’ll get the negative picture.

Do you know any adopters that you can spend time with?

Whereabouts (roughly) are you?

[ScottishDiblet]

My DH and his brother (not biologically related) are adopted. They LOVE their parents and had the best childhood. Yes, in their own ways they had to come to terms with being rejected by their birth parents but neither of them wants to meet their biological families and we are a VERY close and happy family. I feel very lucky to have such wonderful in laws. Also a good friend of mine has adopted two boys. They were both approx nine months when she got them. She is in touch with the biological siblings of the elder child and it’s lovely. Have you listened to the Adoption podcast from the BBC? It’s very interesting and informative. Best of luck.

[Sarsparella]

My aunty is adopted, she’s always been fiercely loyal to my grandparents & has never wanted to contact her birth family, they did attempt contact at one point but she turned down the offer

One of my friends, and her sister are both adopted. When I first met her it wasn’t something she spoke about for a long time, and when she did she’s been very matter of fact about it, she considers her adoptive family her family and is a very well balanced, educated, well adjusted great friend - it doesn’t seem to be something she or her sister dwell on a lot, I’m sure it’s a huge part of their identity but I mean they are happy with their family situation

Someone else I know adopted a little boy around 5 years ago, he’s had some behavioural issues & had experienced an extremely chaotic life as a young child & I don’t think it’s been easy ride but he’s settling well now & getting on ok at school, she was well aware of his background beforehand & has been well suppprted although not easy

[Barbadosgirl]

We adopted our sons- they are 4 and 8 months. So far all great and no issues. They are the most amazing boys and my life seems no different to my friends who have birth children.

[picklemepopcorn]

Beware of happy adoption stories from the 60s and 70s. Children up for adoption now are different.

I've phrased that clumsily, sorry.

The people i know for whom it's gone well, the children have significant developmental delay.

Statistically, you are more likely to have problems than not.

[LokiBear]

Post adoptive support can be very poor. This is something that is vital for both children and parents. I have three separate pupils who were adopted in my year group (each to different families, they are not related). All three children have a diagnosis of attachment disorder. The families who have accessed support and counciling are the ones that have overcome the struggles easiest. I had one girl who was adopted and she had no issues at all. Loved her parents to pieces, had no animosity towards her birth parents and just danced through life as a happy, contented person. Parents accessed early support when she was little and they credit that with their 'easy' time. I'm a head of year, I only have anecdotal experiences of families I know. No two adopted kids are the same. Good luck!

[DiplomaticBag]

The Adoption board on Mn is asked this question regularly, and replies are balanced and insightful. Agree with JustHappy that mostly what you’ll get from non-adopters is an outside view saying someone they knew adopted/was adopted, and are fine/lovely/happy.

[ElizabethG81]

I came on to say what picklemepopcorn said. People we may all know of our own generation or older who were adopted came from much different family situations than children who are adopted today. Very few children today are voluntarily put up for adoption, they are mostly all removed from their parents, and the trauma they have sustained up to that point is significant.

Not trying to put a downer on it, as I know you wanted positive stories, but I don't think the stories about successful adoptions in the 70s help.

[RoryHatesCoffee]

If you google 'the Larson family' you can read lots of things about an adoption experience, they're a US couple who adopted a little girl from China recently but even if you're looking domestic UK I imagine lots of the issues overlap. They've done a wonderful child focused approach and it's been really nice to read about.

[Limitedsimba123]

My siblings and I are adopted (all from the same birth parents). I had a wonderful childhood and have a fantastic relationship with my parents. We are all very close and I am so grateful to them for keeping us all together and for giving us the best start in life. We didn’t have much money growing up but that didn’t matter one bit, just having supportive, loving parents made all the difference to us. I’ve never met my birth parents, nor do I want to. I have a DD and she is very close to her grandparents which is lovely to see, and my parents dote on her. To be honest 99% of the time I forget I am adopted until something like this thread reminds me. My siblings and I are all in our 20’s and have done well, good jobs, own houses etc.

[JennyJames]

trauma they have sustained up to that point is significant.

This is the key.

No matter how young the child, or under what circumstances they were removed (and >99%, of children who are adopted are removed, not relinquished), they have been removed from their primary care giver.

This in itself is traumatic: and that’s before you take into account the impact of the reasons that led up to the removal.

Then factor in what is often (but not always, and with foster to adopt I’d decreasing), multiple moves between foster homes and of course there is trauma.

[JennyJames]

foster to adopt is decreasing

[Skarossinkplunger]

Social Worker here. I can safely say that in my experience far more adoptions work out wonderfully than don’t.

[KC225]

I totally agree with the picklemepopcorn. Adoptions of yesteryear are not a comparison to today. It is a rarity that a baby with no family/complication/health issues would be put up for adoption these days.

Whilst it is a good thing that babies are not wrenched from heartbroken young women by well meaning parents or by the stigma of society, these are not the children going up for adoption. I think that babies and young children are being failed by enduring the most horrific starts still - some of the stories are shocking. And for all the promises, children are still spending far too long in the system, resulting in all sorts of issues.

Look for recent adotpion accounts. That is what you will be dealing with.

Good luck OP.

[Quimby]

I’m adopted. It’s fucking brilliant tbf.
Have a much better life than I would have had if I hadn’t been.
My parents are great, my sisters great.
But I was adopted at a time when there were much more kids available and was adopted from birth essentially. No abuse/neglect etc

Most likely going to be starting the adoption process myself shortly as our biological chances are heavily stacked against us and it’s all very daunting.

[Limitedsimba123]

I wouldn’t say that my siblings or I suffered any trauma, and yes we were removed and spent time in foster placements. But we could have been the lucky ones I guess, and it is different today. I think if I was adopted today and had to go through things like letterbox contact that could have actually caused attachment issues. As it is I have no memories of my birth parents.

[Spottytop1]

I adopted my daughter when she was 1 year old. She is now a teenager. It's great and we've never had any issues with attachment etc. However she is disabled and has no understanding of the fact she is adopted...

[Unfinishedkitchen]

Tbh I agree with some of the posters in that the stories relevant to you will be from people who’ve adopted within the last 10 years. There’s a big difference in a child being voluntarily put up for adoption which is how it mainly used to work and a child being seized by social services who was exposed to drink and drugs in utero.

Foreign adoption is also irrelevant because a Chinese birth mother is probably less likely to have drank and would’ve probably given up the baby voluntarily because of poverty. In the UK a child to be up for adoption usually means some seriously bad shit went down for quite some time before SS stepped in and took the child away.

Therefore you’ll be wanting to hear of positive stories from people who’ve had successful recent adoptions.

[StringandGlitter]

I have positive story. Adopted a school age child last year who is a delight. Can’t post much as busy right now but feel free to pm me and I’ll reply later.

[Unfinishedkitchen]

And what do you mean by ‘positive’ stories do you mean no health issues? No attachment issues? Do you mean you want to hear from people whose adopted kids behaved like a NT non-adopted child?

No judgement with those questions by the way as although we have bio DC we’re looking to adopted a child too.