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AIBU?

Ex reported me to SS

165 replies

littlegrub2 · 23/03/2018 12:55

Looking for some advice please!

My ex and I split over a year ago and we have a 16 month old. He has her 2/3 nights a week and it was all fine. We had a horrible relationship, he was abusive emotionally and still tries to control me now. He is a narcassist.

Anyway fast forward to this week, dd had an accident. It was all so quick, and I’ll feel guilty for the rest of my days 😩 I had left oven trays soaking in bags in ovenbrite, and she reached up and pulled a bag down. I had already washed one tray and was about to do the other, the bag wasn’t fully clothed and it went in her eye and burned her face/arm. Spent 3 days in children’s hospital now.

Her dad stayed with her in hospital because I have other young children (not his.)
Trying to keep this as short as possible! Basically messaged me saying she was staying with him or his parents for the time being because of ‘recent events.’ I went into social work and they told me he’d reported me earlier that day. He doesn’t believe it was an accident and he believes my mental health poses a risk to her (which is bull and he knows it, it’s just a cheap shot).
I managed to get her back. But what do I do now?
Besides being investigated by SS but they were lovely.
Ex partner told them she wasn’t breastfeeding any more when he knows that she is.

I don’t know what he was trying to achieve, what he was thinking and what the hell to do next.

Basically aibu by not handing her over to him? She’s due to go back on Sunday, I haven’t heard from him. I don’t think I’d get her back though. I just can’t believe he has done this and what he possibly did it for. Any ammunition he gets he throws it at me but this has knocked me for six.

Thank you in advance for any advice x

OP posts:
punchyKate · 23/03/2018 13:31

Why do you think that you should keep your daughter from her Dad? A punishment?

Chemical burns are a pretty big fuck up and I think it's right that SS check everything's OK after an incident like that.

In his shoes I'd be worried.

He probably isn't a narcissist and it's wrong for you to label someone without a professional diagnosis because you don't like them.

DullAndOld · 23/03/2018 13:35

Look at it from his view...

Is there a court order that says she lives with you?

Allthewaves · 23/03/2018 13:36

Your cross he reported you to ss that's not a reason to stop contact. No matter what your relationship with him of course he's concerned that dc got cleaning fluid in her eye and burned.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/03/2018 13:41

Accidents happen but I think if it had happened at his you would have been worried too. Just carry on contact as normal.

DullAndOld · 23/03/2018 13:42

anyway he stepped up as a parent and stayed in the hospital with her didn't he?
Him being worried (understandably) about her welfare isn't a reason to stop contact.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 23/03/2018 13:45

What's more, stopping contact because he reported you would surely send up even more red flags and cause more problems with SS/your custody of her?

HollyBayTree · 23/03/2018 13:45

If the hospital had any concerns they would have raised a safeguarding report, but I’m getting a big flag up – your OP may not cover the actual facts.

Spent 3 days in children’s hospital …….Her dad stayed with her in hospital……Ex partner told them she wasn’t breastfeeding any more when he knows that she is.
What Im picking up from that is that your Ex stayed in hospital with a 16mo, you didn’t visit because you have other children, and youre breastfeeding even though you didn’t see the child for 3 days. See how it looks?

I think you need to sit down very carefully and clarify events, assure SS that the child isn’t in danger. Do you have any documentation about his abusive and controlling personality? You take every piece of advice SS give you, even clarify and ask for advice. Seem keen and eager to learn from your unwitting mistake.

Do you mind me asking if you called an ambulance or took her to A&E yourself?

IDrinkAndISewThings · 23/03/2018 13:46

If he truly does use every little thing he can against you then stopping him seeing her would be a bad idea. I’m glad social services investigated for a chemical burns accident like that, because although I’m sure it was a genuine accident, it’s reassuring to see that it’s considered worth investigating. I’d have expected them to be out to you based on the hospitals reports, not just because your ex reported you.

Afreshcuppateaplease · 23/03/2018 13:47

Cant say i blame him for being concerned tbh.

Do you have mental health issues?

How old are your other dc?

DingDongDenny · 23/03/2018 13:47

I think you are all being a bit harsh - accidents sometime happen even when parents are normally really careful

I'm sure the OPs ex was genuinely concerned about his DD - but by the sound of it he is also using this as a stick to beat her with

Onlyoldontheoutside · 23/03/2018 13:48

Try not to worry.You got your daughter back so carry on contact as before.
SS are there to check for children at risk but know that accidents happen, they're not there to catch you out and may be able to support you through this.
Hope your DD is ok now.

Travis1 · 23/03/2018 13:49

Can you imagine if this had been the other way around? How would you feel? What would you be saying about him?

DullAndOld · 23/03/2018 13:49

yes of course accidents happen. but pulling caustic chemicals into the face isn't an average kind of accident is it?

Afreshcuppateaplease · 23/03/2018 13:49

Personally i wouldnt be using oven pride around my small dc!

peacheachpearplum · 23/03/2018 13:50

I would imagine if he has been with her in hospital for 3 days he was tired and upset. I'm sure you have been worried about the damage and the possible long term problems so you can't be surprised that he is feeling the same. Was she in pain? distressed about being in hospital? I know when I have had one of mine in hospital it has been really stressful.

I hope your daughter is OK, I did something like this once but it was my dog that was injured. I still feel bad about it years later so I am sure you are feeling bad but accidents happen and we have to forgive ourselves.

upsideup · 23/03/2018 13:50

YABVU
You wouldnt be worried if an accident like that happened in his care? Thats his daughter who when out of his care ended up with burns and had to stay in hospital for 3 days, of course he wants to make sure you are safe to look after her.
He has a valid reason to want to keep her for the time being, you have no reason to not want him to have her.

RavenclawRealist · 23/03/2018 13:50

Did social workers actually say he had reported you? Or that the accident had been reported? Because the hospital will have made a referral so it may be nothing to do with you ex! However that's not the point you would be wrong to stop contact carry it on as normal

nuggies · 23/03/2018 13:53

if this accident happened at his house, im sure you would act the same way

Nesssie · 23/03/2018 13:54

Wow everyone is being so harsh! Accidents happen, she didn't leave the bag on the floor!
However he is within his right to be worried. SS obviously realise it was an accident and no harm done.
I wouldn't restrict access, it sounds like he is pretty decent with looking after his daughter, keeping contact. He can't keep her from you either though.

DullAndOld · 23/03/2018 13:56

I don't think anyone has been overly 'harsh' tbh.
Personally I think it would be 'harsh' to stop contact with a devoted dad on the basis that he has questioned the fact that his daughter pulled caustic chemicals into her face.

tillytoodles1 · 23/03/2018 13:56

Did you see the child during the three days she spent in hospital?

Juells · 23/03/2018 13:58

Personally i wouldnt be using oven pride around my small dc!

This

I find it a bit extraordinary, and careless, to be using such dangerous chemicals anywhere around children.

BatFinked · 23/03/2018 14:01

I think you need to express your concerns to SS and also consult a solicitor if you’re at all worried he won’t return her.

I’m also really sorry that you’re a woman who’s been through an abusive relationship and you’ve come to Mumsnet for support from other women and as per usual, they’ve shot you down and taken the mans side, Absolutely shameful

Of course we can only go on your OP but the insinuation from people on this thread that your ex is a wonderful caring man are probably very wide of the mark

rocketgirl22 · 23/03/2018 14:02

I am surprised at the posts on here. I am sure you feel bad enough as it is. Accidents happen all the time, you can't change it and I hope she is making a full recovery.

I would be worried about him withholding her too, but would get some SS advice on this, tell them the trust between you has broken down and a contact centre for the time being might be best?

I would be telling them also about his past behaviour.

Follow their guidance and stay calm as you have already.

I am so surprised he reported you, whilst I understand how worried he must be after this, it is taking it to a whole new level and severely compromising what is left of trust and goodwill between you, which will probably continue until your child is an adult.

rocketgirl22 · 23/03/2018 14:03

You may have a trolling problem on this thread.

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