To want the odd day off as a SAHM?

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Hello Mumsnetters
I'm coming to you because you seem to be a down-to-earth lot and I need you to tell me whether I'm being an entitled spoilt brat!

A bit of context, please bear with me..

DC are 1.5 and 3.5, oldest in nursery 2 full days but otherwise my world revolves around them, plus of course the housework and studying.

DP rises every weekday morning at 6am to study before going to work; gets home shortly after 6, helps with the cleaning up, getting kids ready for bed. I generally get up around 7 and think maybe he resents that I'm not pushing myself as much as he pushes himself, given that he does a fair bit around the house (often puts me to shame).

So, he came home last night and made some unwelcome comment about the fact that I hadn't managed to get the kids fed yet (not a common occurrence) and made the point that he gets everything done in his working day PLUS he then has to come home and help me. Made me ever so slightly mad, and I've since been attempting to make him understand that not every day is a picnic and that sometimes its flipping hard work.

Not the first time we've had this discussion which invariably leads me to say I'd like him to take the kids for a few hours on the weekend to give me some time out. He's not willing to do this (he has a short fuse especially with DC3.5 and the two drive each other crazy) and thinks that if I need time away from the kids I should put them both in nursery and go back to work.

I absolutely love being a SAHM and no job could ever take me away from the kids especially at this age so I resent the idea that they should go into care rather than be with me.

These arguments between us often end up making me look ungrateful that I need time away when I have such a great and easy life, when DP has to slog away at work, then come home and help me "do my job" so the idea he then also needs to take the kids on his own while I have a few hours to myself is abominable.

I guess the other thing is, how do I persuade him to spend more time with the kids without me? It should be a pleasure, not a hardship FFS!

So, am a being ungrateful - should I just go back to work so I can have time out? Is he being reasonable not wanting to "work" any harder during the week by taking the kids?
Anything else you're seeing that I'm not? Do I need to start getting up at 6?!

[kaytee87]

Everyone needs time off, including your husband.
Work something out so you can both get some time each week to yourselves.
Yes I'd get up at 6am if it means your DH doesn't have to do the housework when he gets in from work.
Ridiculous that your husband refuses to have both kids by himself though, I wouldn't be putting up with that.

[YellowMakesMeSmile]

TBH, I'd be pretty cross to have to come home from work and start doing house stuff if I was supporting a non working partner who had been home all day. I'd want some chill time and time to just enjoy the children.

It doesn't sound like he was onboard with you being a SAHM and it was something you wanted given the comment that no jo could ever take you away from them yet you use a nursery for two days and want him to take them so you can be child free. It contradicts the statement not to mention making a mockery of wanting him to spending time with them a pleasure when telling him you need a break from them.

[Teeniemiff]

I think it’s often the view thy because SAHM are home all day that everything should be done in that time. That doesn’t work with having children at home. Some days I can’t get the work done, other days I can.

I can understand he’s probably tired but so are you. And you’re a SAHM to be a mom, you look after your children. Presumably if you’re able to do the odd job along the way you do but not always easy.
My husband is quite understanding really because he looks after our children alone every now & then & knows it’s hard

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Thanks everyone.
Yellow, DD is in nursery to prepare her for school - That's for her, not me. I'm still full time mumming with my other child so it doesn't make much difference other than the fact on the days she's at nursery she comes home with new ways to challenge me!
And of course it is a pleasure for me to look after my children - but that doesn't take away from the fact that every now and then I like to get away to be my own person. A bit of balance is healthy, so they say.

[DoJo]

Either staying at home with the kids is so easy that you should be able to do everything in the house during the day, or it is so hard that he can't be expected to do it by himself for a few hours at the weekend - he can't have it both ways.

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Thanks DoJo - that's true!

[Jessikita]

I’d put the youngest one in nursery one day a week with the eldest and have a day off to blitz your jobs and have some time to yourself

[Waterdropsdown]

He should be capable of taking the kids himself but I don’t think he’s being unreasonable expecting them fed and sorted when he comes home. Bit of both really.

Does sound like he’s not really on board with you not working. Maybe another discussion on that is necessary? Are you going to work when your youngest starts nursery?

[TalkFastThinkSlow]

It sounds like you both need a break. You should each get a morning off at the weekends!

I'm in awe of him getting up to study at 6! I get up at 6 (meant to be half 5) and I can't function until I've had a cup of coffee lol.

I agree with some who say he doesn't sound 100% happy with you being a SAHM.

[Believeitornot]

Why don’t you get up with him at 6? I’d be annoyed if I were your dh. You could get up, have breakfast together and get going before the DCs wake.

What’s he studying?

Why is he putting you to shame?

[RockinRobinTweets]

You both need to give each other time off really. Given that the 18 month old presumably naps for 2 hours or so a day and the 3.5 year old is at preschool, I’d also be expecting the sahp to be doing the lions share too.

[Ducktalesooooh]

Me and DH both work full time but I compress my hours and do four days.

Once a month, I will have DS for the whole day Saturday and DH will have him all day Sunday. Doesn't impact too much on family time as it's only once a month, gives us both quality time with DS but some much needed quality time alone too.

Is this something you could suggest?

[winterisstillcoming]

Can you take the kids out on a weekend morning and he does it another?. It sounds like you both need a break. I have a friend I meet up with on Sunday morning so our husbands can have a lie in to make up for the time we have to ourselves during the week. You can do that for each other.

Looking forward to that few hours at the end of the week will get you through a tough week, and you'll be in a better mood.

Or just have alternate lie ins, but work out a way of giving each other some respite. It gets easier.

[Prettylovely]

What time does he get home from work?

[LeeroyJenkins]

Also a sahm, only have one toddler though. But yanbu.

I love being at home with DS, it is my greatest wish. But. DS has been going full pelt since 6:30 this morning, he's not yet asleep, he had wailed for 70% of the day as he's teething and will wake up most hours for the night. I am "on duty" the whole time. I have been since Monday morning.

DH came in at half 7 and went straight out to the gym and isn't yet back. Third night on the trot, this is fairly usual. He feels entitled to his down time as he works. I have to catch mine if/when DS sleeps. It's hard, and exhausting.

Also, He isn't "helping" you. He is being a partner and a father. I'm not articulating very well as I'm knackered but yanbu for wanting some down time.

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Thank you all for your input. Some really good advice which I will give some thought to as well.

Believeitornot he is doing an IT degree. He puts me to shame because he is naturally a clean freak and I am not!

Prettylovely he generally gets in around 6 - sometimes earlier, sometimes much later.

[Brokenbiscuit]

How much time does he currently get off at the weekends to do his own thing? I think it's fair to expect the same amount of time for yourself.

It does sound like he sees little value in you being at home with the kids, so if he is already facilitating what he sees as a lifestyle choice on your part to SAH, it might be unreasonable to expect him to give you time off from that choice as well.

[appleblossomtree]

Even the most taxing career is often not 24/7 whereas being a SAHP is. Yanbu

[Believeitornot]

He’s got a lot on his plate - is this for career purposes?

You also have a lot on your plate. So I guess it’s trying to acknowledge it on both sides.

[CurlsandCurves]

You’re both busy, there’s no getting away from that.
But if he has a Monday to Friday job is the weekend an area you could work on to get some time?

Take turns at a lie in, he takes them out for a bit, you take them out for a bit, and/or you all go out and share the load?

[AHobbyhorseNamedCandemay]

Hi LeeroyJenkins - it will get easier! It was very similar for me with my first and my DP was often out until after 8pm. My Mum made the comment that he lived as if he were a bachelor!
Hope you manage to get yourself down for a nap soon :)
Thanks for your comments xx

[Bluntness100]

id be fucked off with you too to be honest if I had to get up an hour earlier than you and then come home and start doing housework and dealing with the kids, and then you tell me you want a day off at the weekends.

You've one kid in nursery, put the other in, for a day or two with their sibling, and take your time off then. And get up with him in the morning, and you do an hours work too so you both get some family time in the evening.

Fairs fair.

[Oly5]

You both need time off so you need to work around that. But you also need to be honest OP. I’ve been a sahp to three kids and there has been many times when I’ve had a nice time... coffees with friends in soft play, a nice lunch, chatting to pals while the kids have fun. I’m not saying it’s a walk in the park but it’s not like you’re doing housework 24/7 or playing with your kids 12 hours a day is it? Sometimes you DO get downtime

[mancmummy1414]

Hi OP, I agree with you - you both sound like you work really hard and need a break at the weekends.
SAHM - just as worthy as working.
Therefore, the time he’s at work, you do everything with kids and round the house, soon as he gets home it’s 50/50.
If he wants to get up early to study, that’s on him.

[Slightlyperturbedowlagain]

With children that age at home, in reality you are either looking after them and ignoring the household chores or you are looking after the household chores and ignoring the children. You might realistically manage a few loads of washing/ a bit of washing up in between looking after the children but that’s it. You certainly don’t get any time off. Once they are at full time nursery or school then that’s different. Why does their dad get to think he should come home and relax at 6pm and not pitch in? While he’s at work so is she to all intents and purposes, if he doesn’t think so then maybe he should take a week’s leave and try it out. After work time both parents should be pitching in to get everything sorted and the children in bed, then both of you can get some downtime. Going to work doesn’t excuse you from all parenting and housework when you aren’t at work .