My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

family secret

33 replies

helpconfused · 21/03/2018 16:16

Not sure how many people have seen my recent posts...
exP has admitted assault on me in court, now has a restraining order in place.

I have spoken to the police today to clarify indirect contact as he has asked friends to tell our 2 year old DS 'Daddys coming'. He also took his passport and has this week logged onto the childminding site for the very first time. I have today cancelled the passport. As he didn't tell me friend to tell me to tell our son it doesn't count as a breach...but put me on edge all night looking out of the window at every sound. Anyway...

He has also posted on Facebook that he is going to 'tell my family secrets' and see what I say to that - again not directly to me. He is being crafty. I have blocked him from everything.

I haven't told anyone else about something I was told a few years ago regarding a family member. Do I tell my family now? Before it comes out online? Or do I not and hope he doesn't do this? People close to me will be affected.

OP posts:
Report
ssd · 21/03/2018 16:22

tell them, dont let him have anything to hang over you

Report
LilQueenie · 21/03/2018 16:23

hard to say without knowing what it is that was said. Also if the family are unaware is it just rumour or truth? He may well be doing this just to wind you up and worry you to doing what he wants.

Report
scurryfunge · 21/03/2018 16:23

I’d go back to the police. He must be breaching the order if he has messaged you on fb.

Report
Greyponcho · 21/03/2018 16:24

Hmm... would anyone actually believe him?
Assuming your family/secret holders are on your side, perhaps they’ll think it’s lies.
Have you mentioned it to the person whose secret it is?

Report
Singlikemiranda · 21/03/2018 16:24

He is trying to blackmail you, speak to the police

Report
Kitchenbound · 21/03/2018 16:25

I would tell them. It might be awkward but not as bad as it all coming out online when your family have no warning.

And may i just say good thing hes your ex. Sounds like a tosspot

Report
LavenderDoll · 21/03/2018 16:25

I'd go back to the police
But dependant on the type of secret I would probably tell my family - leave nothing for him to hold over you

Report
Greyponcho · 21/03/2018 16:26

He hasn’t exactly shown integrity so far, which is what makes me think people may regard him as a liar, but if you called him a liar then family member admits the truth, then it’s damage your relationship with whole family and they may not believe how bad he actually is

Report
Greenyogagirl · 21/03/2018 16:30

Will your family see anything he posts?
Could it be taken as a malicious rumour or will they know you told him?
Tbh in my family the ‘secrets’ are all known. One of us is told to keep something secret and we pass it on lol

Report
Nocabbageinmyeye · 21/03/2018 16:33

No you don't, it's not your secret and telling someone else is what got you into this situation. Approach the person involved and ask them what they want to do

Report
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/03/2018 16:40

Ask the Police for their advice, and their support.

Report
XJerseyGirlX · 21/03/2018 16:46

I would tell my family that he has made up loads of lies (just make stuff up) and has threatened to do the same with them to cause you trouble. They wont believe a word he says then x

Report
Crunchymum · 21/03/2018 16:48

Sorry, just to clarify that he knows a family secret and is threatening to tell your family? Who are in the dark?

Report
LagunaBubbles · 21/03/2018 16:48

Problem is if the secret is true, it wont be long before people realise that and its not lies.

Report
AdoraBell · 21/03/2018 16:48

Agree with pp, ask the Police and tell them he is harassing you.

Report
donners312 · 21/03/2018 16:50

Go to the police.

Report
OhCalamity · 21/03/2018 17:19

Maybe speak to the person whom the secret is about?

It may be that with the passing of time they might be fine with it being out there and especially if it's to take the power away from him?

Report
Jaxhog · 21/03/2018 17:24

Approach the person involved and ask them what they want to do
You can't tell you family otherwise. Perhaps th=is person should tell the family? (How does your ex know btw?)

And go to the police about you ex.

Report
Lovemusic33 · 21/03/2018 17:25

He hasn’t contacted her on Facebook, he wrote on his Facebook page (not messaged her), a friend seen it? He hasn’t breached his restraining order so the police won’t do much.

You have done the right thing cancelling his passport. I think your best option is to speak to your family about the ‘family secret’, he’s using it to scare you, tell your family what it is and he will not be able to use it against you.

Report
Jux · 21/03/2018 17:39

Go to the police. Maybe he's mot actually breached the Order but it would be helpful if the police had a word with him about 'spirit of the law' and 'letter of the law'.

Can you speak to the family member the secret concerns? Tell them what he's saying. It may be that no one he could tell would be interested anyway, unless his mates know your relative.

Report
Motoko · 21/03/2018 18:01

How does he know the secret, did you tell him?

I think the first thing you should do is speak to the person who told you this secret, and if it's about someone else, speak to that person. Then between you, you can decide whether to tell the wider family, or just ignore it and hope he's either full of hot air, or that the others will think he's lying.

Report
KarmaStar · 21/03/2018 18:06

Indirect contact OP,is an individual making contact with another person using third party means i.e. Telling a third person to give the person a message for them.
This is a breach and he can be rearrested and put before the court.
Good luckFlowers

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

mehhh · 21/03/2018 18:32

Depending on the secret I'd tell your family and speak to the police about what has been said

Report
BrendasUmbrella · 21/03/2018 19:25

Could you give us any clue to the general content of the secret?

If it's that a family member did something horrible to you and they are already aware of that, no need to tell them and they can deal with the fallout themselves.

If he knows a family member is doing something like drug dealing, of course it's fair to warn them, and then just deny.

Often these things are never as bad as you think. A manipulative ex of mine threatened to expose a "family secret" which wasn't actually a secret, just a theory he had that my DSF was attracted to me (he thought every man was attracted to me which was just his paranoia and jealousy speaking) so he called my DB and told him. And my DB laughed his head off, and that was the end of him holding that "secret" over my head.

Report
helpconfused · 22/03/2018 08:30

Sorry, I got home from Work and he was in my street. Called the police but as I could no longer see him they haven't been yet. So another night of no sleep! I'm So stressed.

He didn't contact me directly. He is being crafty. Asking people to give messages to 2 year old DS. Is not indirect contact.
The secret thing he put on his Facebook status and didn't name names.

An old family friend told me he had had an affair with one of my family members. ExDP was with me when he told me this. I decided not to broach it with said family member. Their partner has died, it would really upset other members of the family and said family member is in their 80s and in ill health so I don't want to cause any friction there. It would do no good.
That's he only thing he can say so it must be that.

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.