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Friend’s daughter dating coke dealer AIBU to find a discrete way of letting her find out?

(37 Posts)
Theg00dwife Wed 21-Mar-18 12:52:38

My friend is just lovely, not a best friend but someone who I can turn to in a crisis as we’ve known each other since our kids were babies.

We’ve been through our DDs’ ups and downs together but now and again (as our DSs are friends) I hear things about her.

So far these have been about drugs, pregnancy, dodgy boyfriends etc.

Eventually her DD did tell her about the pregnancy but it was not good and a sad tale. I knew about a month before she did. It was a horrible position to be in, and my friend still doesn’t know that I knew... or at least she hasn’t mentioned it. I’m assuming she’s hoping I don’t know.

So to get to the point my friend is delighted that her DD has ditched her trashy druggy boyfriend and now has a lovely new sensible boy from Uni. Only bloody hell, DD has told me that he’s not great, in fact he sells cocaine.

I’m fed up of worrying what’s going to happen next to my friend’s DD.

Would it be U to come up with a plan so that my friend finds out?
Or am I interfering?

I genuinely want to help, but don’t want to get my DD into trouble and also I don’t want my friend to lose face to me.

Any ideas?

sonjadog Wed 21-Mar-18 12:54:49

You heard about this from your DD? What does she think you should do with the information?

StickThatInYourPipe Wed 21-Mar-18 12:55:28

How are you planning on doing this? Invite her over then be all like ‘omg it’s been soooo long since I have done any coke! Let’s order some’ and hope he drops it off?

NotASingleFuckToGive Wed 21-Mar-18 12:55:58

My advice would be; Nose. Out.

Whydomypubeslooklikeanest Wed 21-Mar-18 12:56:38

In all honesty what you know is hearsay.

Just stay out of It, there's nothing your friend can do anyway.

Theg00dwife Wed 21-Mar-18 12:57:33

She obviously wouldn’t have told me if she thought it would go further. I wouldn’t let DD know if I did let my friend know.
DDs friend has encouraged her to take drugs in the past. I’ve also kept quiet about that.

They’re 19 and at UNI btw

HollyBayTree Wed 21-Mar-18 12:58:16

DD has told me that he’s not great, in fact he sells cocaine. and DD knows this for a fact?

Theg00dwife Wed 21-Mar-18 12:58:21

I think I’m feeling bad as I didn’t say anything about the pregnancy.

Theg00dwife Wed 21-Mar-18 12:59:02

DDs friend told DD he’s a coke dealer. Why would she lie?

Scribblegirl Wed 21-Mar-18 12:59:24

NotASingleFuckToGive Generally good advice where cocaine's concerned!

Nicknacky Wed 21-Mar-18 13:00:57

What do you think you will achieve by telling her mum? She’s 19.

And you don’t know that it is true unless your daughter has bought it from him!

sonjadog Wed 21-Mar-18 13:02:32

I would bring your DD into this. Ask her if she thinks you should tell your friend and if not, why not. She might have insights that you don't. If she thinks that you should tell, then I wouldn't manufacture a situation, I´d just tell her.

Theg00dwife Wed 21-Mar-18 13:04:24

The consensus seems to be to zip it then.

Hopefully my DD can keep herself away from the coke. The two girls are in different circles these days and just see each other from time to time.

mojito55 Wed 21-Mar-18 13:05:59

Unless your DD is concerned that this girl is being used as a drug mule or abused in some way, absolutely do not tell your friend. It's none of your business, and actually none of hers either.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Wed 21-Mar-18 13:06:13

YANBU. If it were my 19 year old daughter I'd want to know. Yes I know if she decides to stay with with him there is nothing anyone including her mother could do.

Nicknacky Wed 21-Mar-18 13:07:21

It’s idle gossip. I wouldn’t cause trouble based on hearsay.

NotASingleFuckToGive Wed 21-Mar-18 13:12:20

NotASingleFuckToGive Generally good advice where cocaine's concerned!

grin

SaucyJack Wed 21-Mar-18 13:14:19

She's an adult, and as such is old enough to make her own choices about the company she keeps without her mother's approval of her or her BF's lifestyles.

Unless you know there's an actual genuine problem (and you personally disapproving of uni students dabbling with recreational drugs doesn't count), then you need to mind your own business I'm afraid.

TracyBeakerSoYeah Wed 21-Mar-18 13:15:01

Sorry I disagree.
If I found out my friend had kept all this information from me, then I would be devastated.
(Having seen a friend’s daughter date a dealer & being persuaded to become a drugs mule, ending up with daughter in prison & ‘boyfriend’ vanished off the face of the planet. Oh & not forgetting the drug addiction & threats to the family.)
The question is how do you let your friend find out. That’s the tricky part presuming that what you’ve been told is all true.

StarUtopia Wed 21-Mar-18 13:22:14

Hmm. 3 of my good friends at uni were doing drugs and one of them was dealing. tThey were all as far removed as you get get from the image you get of a drug dealer etc...very nice backgrounds, private school education, well spoken, doing law degrees!!! etc etc.

Anyway. Just to say, yes they might have been doing all that, but I never got involved.

If she has been brought up correctly (which lets be honest, by 19, your work is done, let's hope it's been done properly!) then yes, she could probably choose better company, but it doesn't mean she's in any danger necessarily.

My own mother actually brought up one of these girls at Xmas and I told her what she'd actually been up to at uni. She was speechless! Let's just say, you can never really tell what anyone is up to behind closed doors, so this well just might be idle gossip in any case.

Luckyme2 Wed 21-Mar-18 13:23:20

Hopefully my DD can keep herself away from the coke

This is a different issue and probably worth having a chat to your DD about (which you no doubt have already anyway).
For what it's worth I wouldn't be saying anything to your friend though.

OurMiracle1106 Wed 21-Mar-18 13:27:23

My question would be if this young lady is pregnant is she using cocaine? As you have said she’s encouraged your daughter to use drugs in the past, I am assuming your friends DD uses drugs? In which case it lost definitelty is someone’s business- what happens when baby is born addicted to a drug? Or Mum is so off her face she can’t look after baby?

It sounds like this young lady needs some help with her life choices tbh

gryffen Wed 21-Mar-18 13:29:04

Probably against the grain here on MN but tell your friend.

She maybe greatful for you coming forth about it but if my daughter was involved I would be telling in confidence to the Uni and Police.

That's after 10yrs working security though and plenty of experience with dealers etc.

Protect your kid - even if it means interfering.

MsHarry Wed 21-Mar-18 13:30:00

I'd want to know.

OurMiracle1106 Wed 21-Mar-18 13:30:12

However having been married to a cocaine addict- being around drugs doesn’t mean using them. I have NEVER even smoked and I will NEVER take any illicit substance

It took me a long time not to feel ashamed of my epilepsy medication

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