To ask my son to move out when he turns 18?

[RibCageEngage]

My eldest son is 19 and is moving out in July. Part of the reason he's doing so is his younger brother who persistently steals off him, nags him for money/e-liquid/bus fare money and breaks his stuff when he has a temper tantrum.

DS2 is 17 and is a nightmare to live with. He's constantly stealing from us meaning we have to hide everything, I can't leave money around or anything that he wants as he'll just take it. I even have to hide the protein bars I buy as he just eats them all. He's not working or in college, he's done nothing since leaving school. He's recently started on what was meant to be a full time traineeship which has become a one morning a week session. This means he's hanging around the house 24/7. It's exhausting. He's constantly nagging for stuff, bus fare money (I bought him a bus card last week and he lost it meaning I'd wasted £15). "What's for dinner?" "What can I have for breakfast?" "What can I have to drink?" "Do you have any e-liquid?" Etc etc ... it's like looking after a toddler.

He had a job at McDonald's and was fired after a month for gross misconduct as he just didn't turn up for shifts.

He goes out on an evening and doesn't come home until gone midnight. He's meant to be home by 11, partly because of his drug usage but also because DH and I both work and we need to get to bed on a night and can't trust him to lock up so end up sitting up waiting for him. I'm exhausted.

He was recently arrested for assault against his brother. Last time we went away we came home to holes in the wall and he'd deliberately thrown a prosecco bottle at the floor damaging the floor tiles DH had just laid.

DH and I argue over him constantly. He doesn't respect us or our house and I desperately want him to live somewhere else. As much as I love him, I feel he's ruining my life. My home is an unhappy and tense one because of him.

WIBU to tell him that once he's 18 he needs to make alternative living arrangements?

[Tensecondrule]

Nope, not unreasonable at all! You've clearly given him enough chances to sort himself out, so just let him know in advance that he will be moving out at 18. Maybe he will realise it's a last chance to sort himself out, but I doubt it.

[OliviaStabler]

Give him two months notice, then kick him out. However if you do this, you have to stay strong and let him find his own way in the world.

[bastardkitty]

I think you have to give him a notice period - a list of conditions of him staying in the house and tell him he will be asked to leave if he breaks them. Are you reporting the thefts to the police? I wouldn't let the 19 year old move out because of DS2's behaviour. The behaviour changes or Ds2 goes.

[Deadwood58]

Tell him now that he'll no longer have a home with you when he turns 18 unless he gets his life on track and stops making your lives hell before then.

[NancyDonahue]

He needs to know that if he's respectful and goes to work or place of education, he's welcome to live in the family home until he chooses to move out. That's the deal. If that doesn't work for him, he will have to find somewhere else to live.

[Samantha77hat]

Easy to say kick him out but what does that look like. Few nights on mates sofas then what if he blatantly can’t get a council property and can’t hold a job down
Are you going to be ok if he ends up homeless
Horrible situation op and easy to make harsh judgements from the outside
If you are going to kick him out then plenty of notice at least
My gut feel is you might not get shot of him so easily
Does he not have some sort of mental or social issue from your comments that may the leave him vulnerable too

[hazell42]

I think you know that you would. I sympathise. I have been in a similar position and it is hell.
His problem is his drug usage. If he stopped that, the stealing, arguing and and other problems would disappear and you would have your son/s back. You need to help him quit, not just for his sake, but also for the sake of your other son and your marriage. Look for help in your area. As he is under 18 there will definitely be some. Talk to youth justice. As he has been in trouble with the police already he may be able to access their Prevent help programmes.
Try to remember that all the nastiness is down to the drugs and don't abandon him. He is your child and he is in need of help.

[expatinscotland]

YANBU

[Bananalanacake]

You must be shattered waiting up for him e very night. He's very selfish to not think of you. I don't know if you can kick him out now or wait until 18.

[Averyyounggrandmaofsix]

But what would happen to him? Think how you would feel if he a) ends up dead in a ditch or b) starts mugging little old ladies for their pension. If you are comfortable with these scenarios, which are in my opinion as likely as him pulling himself together and turning into a responsible member of society then do it!

[Wolfiefan]

Don't give him money.
Get him up first thing each morning. He can go and job search. If he's stealing I wouldn't have him alone in the house.
He lost it? Or he spent the money on something else?! Drugs maybe.
If he's not home by a set time then lock the door and go to bed.
Stop enabling him.

[Bbbbbbbb2017]

I would be kicking him out now. I certainly wouldn't be enabling him in any shape or form

[Phosphorus]

But where will he live?

How is he going to pay for housing.

The council isn't going to house a single adult man, and he can't afford a private rental.

Will you be OK with that?

[theeyeofthestormchaser]

Kick him out now and his nicer older brother can stay at home. He sounds horrendous. And don't give him any money.

[FauxFox]

Can you possibly encourage him to get a summer job that involves accommodation? I’m thinking club rep in a holiday resort in the med where he can hand out flyers, clear glasses in a bar and hang out with people with a similar outlook. He might have fun and develop some independence (he may also get bad tattoos, take drugs, get into fights and get alcohol poisoning but it sounds like he’s not making good choices at home either...)

[shesakeeper]

I wish I had advice to give, but having never been in your shoes (yet) I find it hard to know what to say. I do feel for you and your DH, this sounds like a living nightmare.

I agree with the others that a strict two month notice period is a good idea. In that period keep diligent notes of every infraction, so that if (when?) you ask him to leave you have evidence.

He sounds troubled, but getting him to access help and support will be difficult.

[bastardkitty]

Why do you and your husband argue about him?

[SavageBeauty73]

Where will he go?

[LoisWilkersonsLastNerve]

Give him time to shape up and if not, then give notice to leave. He will sink or swim.

[UndomesticHousewife]

It sounds awful and so stressful but he’ll have no where to go. He won’t be able to support himself, he won’t be able to afford to live anywhere so he’ll be on the street.

Does he have mental health issues? I assume he didn’t become like this in the last few weeks so how long has been like this.

[expatinscotland]

The problem is that he's considered an adult now and he's on drugs. You can't make him go to rehab or stop using. He will just continue stealing and acting violently.

[mayhew]

You poor people. My brother was like this. He ran away from home at 18 and my parents were worried he'd come back!
His life has been a struggle. He has worked, had a relationship and a child. At times, he was productive and happy. He avoided criminality but has had a lot of unemployment. He is now in very poor health due to smoking and alcohol abuse. He lives on benefits.
My parents always helped him at arms length, otherwise he would have died, street homeless, years ago.
They never had him back in the house.

[Believeitornot]

How did he get to where he did?

I would lock up your money and valuables I would not be waiting up for him (you are going to kick him out anyway so why are you bothering waiting up? Just lock the doors after a certain hour or get a lock which doesn’t require locking from the inside).
You and your husband need to agree on how to tackle this. What do you argue about?

[InvisibleUnicorn]

You need to step up and parent him, not wait around until he's 18 and then wash your hands of him.

What can you do think stop this downward spiral? He's still your child. Is anyone helping or advising you?