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To make DS2 go to the same high school as his elder sibling?

(86 Posts)
Theromanempire Mon 19-Mar-18 16:48:31

It is a couple of years off yet but DS2 (year 4) is upset because he will have to go to a high school he doesn't want to go to. The only reason is because his close friends are all going to a different one. I get that and I do feel awful because he does struggle to make friends.

However, the high school he wants to go to is totally impractical as it is 20 minutes in the opposite direction of where I need to be to get on the motorway to get to work so would add 40 minutes on to my journey if I was to take him and we couldn't pick him up. We can't really justify additional bus fares either.

The high school DS1 goes to is within walking distance/on my way to work so totally practical. There isn't much in between the quality of the 2 schools (both aren't great but the quality of schools in the town isn't great anyway). We didn't even consider the school he wants to go to for DS1 because of the impracticality of it plus it is in a really rough part of town.

Plus for purely selfish reasons I want them to be at the same school so they have the same holidays etc.

I am fed up of having the same conversation with DS2 about it and he triggers my guilt every time as I know he will struggle to settle without his close friends. But then again, how many children remain in the same friendship groups anyway??

AIBU?

Inseoir Mon 19-Mar-18 16:50:56

He doesn't have to apply for ages yet, why not say that the matter is closed for now you but you'll talk about it again next year when it's more relevant? Things might have changed a lot by then. No point in worrying for now.

BakerBear Mon 19-Mar-18 16:52:05

I see boths sides tbh.

Its quite early to be talking about high school so i would tell him that you will discuss it much nearer the time and see how his friendship group is then

JugglingMummyof2 Mon 19-Mar-18 16:53:27

Did you let your first child choose which school he wanted to attend?

Witchend Mon 19-Mar-18 16:54:50

I wouldn't talk about it at present. You've 18 months before you need to reach a conclusion in which time your ds may have fallen out with those friends or find they're going too. Just say "we'll talk about it when it's right."

But one thing I would say is if your ds1 had been determined, would you have considered it?
Because (as a second child) I've quite frequently seen the situation where the school is chosen very carefully for dc1 without thought of dc2 etc. and dc2 is expected to go to it, even when the parents are open about it not being as good for them as another one would be. It seems a bit unfair.

Theromanempire Mon 19-Mar-18 16:56:10

I know it is a bit premature but I presume it is bothering him as he keeps bringing it up (he is a deep thinker!)

I do know that friendship groups change but his school have mixed year classes and he is in a year 4/5 class with 5 other boys so naturally these boys are his friendship group and is unlikely to change until year 6 when there will be a lot more same aged boys in with them and obviously the applications need to be in within 2 months of that year!

flowerslemonade Mon 19-Mar-18 16:56:14

I would let him go and take the bus if it's not ridiculously expensive.

ems137 Mon 19-Mar-18 16:56:28

Can't he get the bus to high school no.2?

I won't be taking my DS when he starts at high school in September, he'll be getting a regular bus with his mate.

NewYearNewMe18 Mon 19-Mar-18 16:57:30

How old is DS1 - or rather how many school years difference is there? because even if your DS1 is in Y7 now, and DS2 in Y4 ... by the time he goes into Y7 the older one will be in Y10 ... so their actual time at the same school will be minimal.

I do believe in picking a school for the childs strengths, all of my children went to different schools (secondary, 6th form and colleges) depending on individual need/personality.

OwlinaTree Mon 19-Mar-18 16:57:58

Can you move his primary school to a school where most of the children go to the high school you want? He'll have a clue of years to make new friends then.

firstevernamechange Mon 19-Mar-18 16:59:15

I would ask him to find a workable solution for him to atrend the school.
Could he cycle? Could he get a lift? Would he accept less pocket money to pay for the bus fare?

Theromanempire Mon 19-Mar-18 17:00:38

Yes we did let DS1 choose but the other school was never offered to DS1 as an option because of its location and the total impracticality of it and this was made clear to DS1. As it is DS1 didn't get his 1st choice but now he is at the local school, I am glad as it works really well.

And yes I am aware that it is pretty shitty to DS2 that he doesn't get a choice (and i speak as a fellow youngest child!) and I do feel bad about that. However we would give him the same choice of schools as DS1 had and the one he wants would not be one of those.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Mon 19-Mar-18 17:02:39

Surely he can take himself to high school? Most kids do.

Trailedanderror Mon 19-Mar-18 17:02:57

Surely Secondary School children make their own way? Unless it's outcomes are very different I'd at least consider it.

Theromanempire Mon 19-Mar-18 17:06:01

He could get a bus but money is pretty tight and DS1's school doesn't cost anything - I realise this isn't DS2's fault but is just how things are. Admittedly it might be better in a couple of years time.

The primary school he goes to has always pretty much fed into DS1's school and children going to other schools would be an exception but the other school has successfully marketed itself over the last few years and become a lot more popular.

The 2 schools are actually linked - both academies run by the same people.

JugglingMummyof2 Mon 19-Mar-18 17:06:44

The reason I asked was I have two girls and they choose the schools they wanted to view, did any relevant exams and then made their choice based on their preferences. I hope they would both go to the same school but they choose two completely different ones - no even in the same borough. It is a bit of a pain as holiday, inset days are different but anything else felt to me unfair. This is the next 5 or even 7 years of his life.

Bundlesmads Mon 19-Mar-18 17:08:48

I think YABU. You’ve worded your post in such a way I think it’s quite obvious it’s biased and designed to get people to agree with you.

It sounds like DS has had some issues at school and struggles socially and is extremely anxious about losing his friends and being isolated at school. You’re quite dismissive of this and I would urge you not to be. It doesn’t sound like he is a child who would find it easy to start from scratch making new friends. If he ends up having a lonely, miserable, isolated, unhappy time at High School (which sounds like a distinct possibility) I think he would end up feeling massive resentment toward you. And I think that would be entirely justified.

It sounds like DS is desperate for you to listen to his concerns and you’re not. I absolutely think that his worries justify the bus fare. I would find the money from somewhere.

I mean, come on, think about it. If your son ends up miserable and unhappy for the rest of his schooling, are you really going to think it was worth it just to save on bus fares? If he’s unhappy it could have a negative impact on his achievement at school which could mean the rest of his life was negatively affected.

Is that really worth making a paltry saving on bus fares?

MyDcAreMarvel Mon 19-Mar-18 17:08:49

I would never let a ten year old pick their own high school, they are just not mature enough.
Having said that you should not have ruled a school out because of bus fares.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar Mon 19-Mar-18 17:10:07

Aren't they free on the bus?

Theromanempire Mon 19-Mar-18 17:10:28

Yes sorry I guess saying it is impractical for me to take him is just because I don't want to pay bus fares. I totally agree that they should make their own way there and back (as DS1 does).

Dungeondragon15 Mon 19-Mar-18 17:10:37

I would leave it until nearer the time as his friend's (or their parents) may change their minds. However, I wouldn't dismiss the idea out of hand. Going to a school with his friends could make a big difference to how well he settles in an ultimately perhaps how well he does academically. Unless the bus fare is totally unaffordable, I think it could be money well spent.

sinceyouask Mon 19-Mar-18 17:10:57

How much would weekly bus costs be?

Bundlesmads Mon 19-Mar-18 17:11:38

Oh just seen DS1 got to choose as well. No wonder DS2 is upset, that’s incredibly unfair.

beanie690 Mon 19-Mar-18 17:12:12

You don't need to decide now, but forcing a socially anxious child to go to a school where they know nobody sounds particularly cruel.

poughkeepsiegirl Mon 19-Mar-18 17:14:05

I'm never sure if it was my upbringing or times have changed but I just did what my parents told me and accepted it. At 12 i wouldn't have dictated where I was going to school. I get that he might find it difficult to make friends but he's got another couple of years to mature.

That being said, if he's responsible enough to get himself to and from school then it should something to consider. If not, then unfortunately I wouldn't be sending him to his choice of school.

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