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AIBU?

To be feeling guilty about my mum

20 replies

grumptastic · 19/03/2018 11:00

Ive never posted on here before so sorry for any mistakes. I have a 6 month old ds, he has reflux and has had trouble with feeding that seem to finally be coming to an end. Before this though my df gave him some chocolate when he was only 4 months. I know advice was didferent for them so i told him i didnt want to give him sweet stuff so dont do it again. Ds was in pain all night as he couldnt handle it. The next time i seen my df (lives far away for work so i see him once a month) he did it again this time we had an argument i explained about ds problems and the pain he has and he said he wouldnt do it again. The next time he visited again he did it. This time i was really angry and we fell out. I also was angry at my mum as every time she tried to cover it up. I havnt spoken to my df since which is not unusual. Every time i talk to my mum though she makes me feel so guilty. She says she doesnt even know if shes allowed to speak and shes afraid to call to see us in case i fall out with her. She acts like im always attacking her which is not true i have never even yelled. I just wont back down on this as they will keep doing it. Aibu to feel guilty for standing my ground. I kinda feel that i should just let it go but i dont want my son being fed sweet stuff he cant handle. Sorry for the long post like i said im new here.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 19/03/2018 11:12

Stand your ground here. Your dm is feeling guilty as she knows she is wrong. There is a phrase, 'attack is the best form of defence' which is what is happening here. My Dad, husband and son all did/do this, and I am an expert in deflecting it.

Turn it around - ask if they are happy at being the cause of the pain and discomfort your son is suffering, and do they think that they are responsible adults for continuing to feed their grandchild stuff that makes him ill?

Kitchenbound · 19/03/2018 11:14

YANBU in my opinion - DH mother gave my DD chocolate when she was about 3 months and it blew all the tiny circuits in her brain before she got sick for 3 days. Told me i was being stupid and she'll spoil her GC if she wants to... over my dead body.

Stand your ground. Your DS relies on you to advocate for his health until he can do it for himself. I would try and speak to your parents and explain that you are not angry with them as such and you want contact with them (if that is what you want) but they need to respect your wishes.

Never feel guilty for doing the right thing by your child ❤

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 19/03/2018 11:21

What kind of selfish person deliberately gives a baby food that they've been told will make them poorly? Hmm you have nothing to feel guilty for. I hope your son's reflux continues to improve.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/03/2018 12:01

What kind of selfish person deliberately gives a baby food that they've been told will make them poorly? The sort of person who believes you're talking rubbish. After all, DF and DM have raised children satisfactorily, and it's difficult to accept that your DC, who you've watched making mistakes for 30 years, might be right when their opinion directly contradicts yours.

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 19/03/2018 12:10

My mum does this. I stood my ground around the time of DDs birth as I was looong overdue, very emotional and didn't find the constant barrage of texts/phone calls/emails about the status of my uterus helpful. As asked politely if she could reign it in a little. You'd have thought I'd have disowned her with the torrent of guilt and tears that were unleashed.

I refused to apologise and she now says that she walks on eggshells around me. All because I tried to put up a perfectly reasonable boundary.

Is this your first DC by any chance OP? I think the tectonic plates within families do shift a little around this time.

You're completely in the right though, they're not. End of.

grumptastic · 19/03/2018 13:30

Thank u. They dont seem to believe me that it causes him pain and think that im just being mean not giving it to him. Its not my first no! I have a 10 year old dd. Although it feels like my first as there was so long in between. They have always been like this anytime i said anything they reply o and we did such a bad job raising u didnt we? Im tempted to say yes because i have problems. Anytime i disagree with my dad he does watever he wants and then acts like im totally crazy and unreasonable for getting upset and my mum is the guilt trip queen. She guilt trips over everything and yes she says she has to walk on eggshells around me also. I wish it didnt affect me like it does but after all this time it still does.

OP posts:
Kitchenbound · 19/03/2018 14:00

Tbh it may have been immature but my response when I had this argument with MIL was well thats fine when DD is sick, screaming and projectile vomiting all over the place after you give her chocolate I'll just drop her over your house and you can deal with it. She backed off after that for some reason 🤔. As hard as it is just try to ignore it. They obviously have some issues with you taking a stand against them but that doesn't make you wrong. My mum can still make me feel like a child getting bollocked right before she launches the guilt bomb so I kind of get where you're coming from hugs

letsdolunch321 · 19/03/2018 14:03

Does your mum not understand a baby’s difestive system is still developing !!!!

Apologises it should like I’m having a pop at you - I’m not

letsdolunch321 · 19/03/2018 14:19

Oops, sounds like I’m having a go at you.

LLO7 · 19/03/2018 14:21

You are completely right here- please do not give in to them.

SebsCat · 19/03/2018 14:30

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time with your parents.

Firstly, YADNBU. Your ultimate goal is to protect your baby and enforce your boundaries whilst minimising the upset to your relationship with your parents.

I think sometimes when grandparents have guilt/ insecurities over the way they raised their own children, they perceive any contrary choice as a criticism of them.

So, your DM and DF might feel like you are implicitly saying 'you weren't good enough parents/ you fed us junk etc' would it help to try and take the emotion out of it? Could you say something like, you were great parents to me and I know you did your best, I really want you to be involved with your DGC. I am specifically asking you not to give chocolate, it is unreasonable for you to go behind my back and ignore me, please stop.

frasier · 19/03/2018 14:31

She's being a martyr to try and get her own way. Don't fall for it.

TalkinBoutWhat · 19/03/2018 14:34

What a horrid, passive aggressive method of 'putting you in your place'.

Recognise it for what it is. She's not 'scared' of falling out with you further, she's punishing you for daring to stand up to them.

BlankTimes · 19/03/2018 14:55

Sigh, families who don't believe children have the difficulties and reactions to foods and other stimuli that the childrens' parents tell them about.

They did it once after being told, I'd have a job to get past that, but so many times now, you have a serious problem on your hands and need them to stop.

Can you find any medical articles about it and pass them on, can you get them to visit when you see the HV so the HV can tell them how stupid they are not to cause the baby such awful pain and to listen to you.

I'd tell them point blank that as they've made baby so ill so many times there will be no more unsupervised contact, they could like that or lump it.

AnxiousNewUser · 19/03/2018 15:27

Oh dear, you have my sympathy - I always get the "I have to walk on eggshells around you" thing too, and it makes my feel like shit. My mother seems to see anything short of complete acceptance of and compliance with her advice as a rejection of her, but some of her advice has been pretty awful (and some of it has been great, but the bad bits have included badgering me to sleep train DD when she was less than a month old, telling me that a three month old baby should only need six hours sleep at night, nagging me endlessly to switch from combo feeding to exclusive formula feeding because breastmilk "doesn't contain enough nutrients", telling me how shocked and horrified she was at how often I was feeding my tiny baby (with hindsight, it was pretty normal) and that DD's occasional spit-ups were the result of too much breastmilk... You get the picture).

Wakeuptortoise · 19/03/2018 15:38

Pil do this. Give the kids a massive ice cream or cake just before a meal. Then complain about them not eating the meal. We really don't mind them treating the kids to massive ice creams and cake. Fil always wants to take ds for a 'walk'. But I've realised from sil and dn's that this is just to give ice cream. We also say everytime that they ds is intolerant to strawberries. Always serve up a portion of strawberries after the evening meal.
Hmm
We had a massive argument over it last visit. Fil storms off shouting. Mil starts crying. Hmm

Yogurtisnotpudding · 19/03/2018 16:40

I think grandparents can like to go a bit overboard and give the chocolate and ice cream. But there's a time and a place. Time being not before meals or bed, and the place is not in the stomach of a baby it causes pain!

My 1 year old is allergic to wheat and my dad accidently gave her fishfingers once. He was sick with guilt and stayed with us in hospital in the middle of the night because her tongue and throat swelled up.

He buys my older daughter chocolate bars and magazines quite often. I have no problem with this and he loves bringing her random surprises. But once he knew he had given her something that hurt her (he didn't realise fish fingers were coated in breadcrumbs which was wheat) he was very upset and felt horribly guilty.

Your parents reactions are so wrong. They are more concerned about their own control tactics than just saying 'oh I'm sorry I didn't realise' and then leave it at that.

They don't sounds like trustworthy grandparents at all.

Flamingoringo · 19/03/2018 16:43

I don’t know anyone who would think a six month old needed chocolate, let alone one with an allergy.
I’d say until you can listen to, and respect what I tell you about my child, I can’t trust you around them.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 19/03/2018 17:10

OP you have no reason to feel guilty. It's what you DM is trying to manipulate you into feeling so that she and DF can carry on feeding chocolate because THEY want to, and basically show you who's in control.

The very best way you can handle this is to keep the control for yourself and protect your DS. It will save you and him from a lot of mental and physical pain in the future.

grumptastic · 19/03/2018 21:37

The worst part of it for me at the minute is they never even said sorry. My df said fine ill never feed him anything ever and my dm thinks shes done nothing wrong. Which i understand she didnt feed him anything but she covered it up and tried to keep it from me. I get that they prob dont think it actually annoys him (and with the turnaround we have had in the past 2 weeks it maybe wouldnt now) but they think im completly overeacting. I feel like they have no respect for me. I mean even if i was just deciding to not give him sweets isnt that my choice? So why do i feel so guilty and uncomfortable. I hate it. Its always like this when we disagree.

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