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To not have sex

(69 Posts)
Aspoonfullofsugar Sun 18-Mar-18 22:51:46

Been with DH for 16 years, since we were very young. I had been sexually assaulted twice in the preteen years and was very vulnerable.
Since the beginning he's always pushed sex on me even if I said no or I'm not in the mood. He has always had problems with E.D so if I said no he would expect a hand job which could easily last a couple of hours and he would ask again the next day.
If I said no completely, he would take it as rejection and make an argument, sulk etc and try again the next day.
4 weeks after middle child was born he added 'toys' into the bedroom, I wasn't ready to have sex yet (waited only 2 weeks after dc1's birth, in which I tore) I went along with the toys but have never liked it. Mostly him getting me to do things to him.
At one point I avoided the toys and he said he didn't want to have quicky, it had to include foreplay which in his mind was toys. When we didn't have sex, it would a guilt trip, would cause arguments and he would be very hard to live with. I was exhausted and he was expecting 2 hour sex sessions regularly.
It came to the point where I sat on the floor and cried when he tried to initiate.
He hasn't asked since and we haven't had sex for months. He has made pointed comments that he regards sex as being a sign of love and being close to someone.
I'm really dreading him bringing it up which will happen eventually, I don't have any support network and am in a situation where logistically, just getting the DC to their schools at the moment requires us both. I need a bit more time (6 months - a year) but if I don't think I'll get it if I don't have sex with him.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys Sun 18-Mar-18 22:54:23

Sex is a sign of love.
Coercive sex is not

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 18-Mar-18 22:55:08

Hes pushed sex on you when you were not ready or in the mood.
There's a word for that.
I'm not at all surprised you don't want to have sex with this disgusting brute.

RLOU88 Sun 18-Mar-18 22:55:10

I didn’t want to read and run. I am floored reading this, truely flowers I hope someone comes along soon with the good advice for you OP.

LanguidLobster Sun 18-Mar-18 22:56:38

He sounds really creepy...sorry OP

BelleandBeast Sun 18-Mar-18 23:00:45

He pushed sex on you even if you said no? That is rape.

Look at this

You need to get some support - somebody on here will know the best places
I am sorry you are going through this.

Aspoonfullofsugar Sun 18-Mar-18 23:04:47

Even if I get through this and leave in a year or so - Although he has nowhere to go and no support system either - I'm scared for any future relationships. This is the only one I've had. I'd probably prefer not to have a sexual relationship again, or maybe I'd feel different out of this situation?
It's very overwhelming.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 18-Mar-18 23:05:20

I cant believe there has to be an advert to teach people that "No means No".

NellMangel Sun 18-Mar-18 23:05:24

Yanbu. I was in a relationship like this. Every hug was interpreted as me being interested in sex. I dreaded trips away as there was this expectation "we're on holiday, let's have sex"

In short, there was no middle ground of intimacy, everything was about leading to sex. It put me completely off any affectionate behaviour. I tried to explain but he sulked - basically I just felt like a hole, it was awful.

We separated and I think the above was the main factor (he cheated - turns out he used prostitutes throughout our relationship, I guess I was the freebie).

I'm really sorry, I know it's difficult, but I feel free now. I don't think I'll ever have a relationship again unfortunately, I would be so worried about the sex aspect.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Sun 18-Mar-18 23:07:20

The fact you had sex so soon after the birth is terrible, how could he do that to you. Ugh to the “ toys” tell him to ram them up his arse and NOT in a sexual way. He’s absolutely disgusting. You can’t leave right now maybe, but you should leave him. He’s a rapist and abuser. I’m so sorry OP.

Teachtolive Sun 18-Mar-18 23:09:10

You need some form of counselling to help you deal with the sexual assault you suffered early on and what you've suffered with your "d" h. Sex is only good when both parties are enjoying it.

greendale17 Sun 18-Mar-18 23:10:13

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 18-Mar-18 23:10:17

Don’t worry too much about future relationships right now. Cross that bridge when you get to it.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 18-Mar-18 23:11:14

This is awful. You poor soul. Run for the hills. He is an arsehole.

Aspoonfullofsugar Sun 18-Mar-18 23:11:24

Nell - Exactly that. Early on, I would snuggle up to him and sometimes fall asleep. That wasn't allowed as any intimacy must lead to sex - and that was using him as a pillow.
He acted like I had ruined our family holiday as I refused sex after a lengthy argument from him insisting - I refused because the layout and the very high chance our unsettled DC would walk in on us.

MammaH2018 Sun 18-Mar-18 23:12:57

This is not a normal sexual relationship. He’s abusive and I’m afraid from what you’ve said it is clear that he has forced sex on you which is rape. You need to leave him as soon as possible. Not in 6 months, you need to get help and get out now. For the time being please don’t worry about future relationships - your main focus needs to be getting free from this horrible man.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 18-Mar-18 23:14:26

I'm sure you're aware of this, but sex without your consent is rape, which carries a prison sentence. And that's just once, not over and over again.

Aspoonfullofsugar Sun 18-Mar-18 23:16:03

Greendale - Probably. But I was 15 and vulnerable. Giving in was a way to keep and please him. To me, boys wanted sex and I should give it. I wasn't ready for a relationship and unfortunately didn't have proper parenting to save me.

AllisLost Sun 18-Mar-18 23:19:39

This is sad OP - you should not have been treated that way. I rarely say leave but this is horrible. There is a lot of information on here which will help you to take the steps you need to,


NellMangel Sun 18-Mar-18 23:20:44

My ex was my only sexual partner too.

He'd try all these cheap ways of spicing up our sex life - porn, toys, stockings etc - and completely miss the point that just day to day love and respect would've been a start.

Prestonsflowers Sun 18-Mar-18 23:22:20

That’s a very unhelpful comment.
Pre teen sexual assault/abuse is extremely difficult to overcome

Gemini69 Sun 18-Mar-18 23:22:22

he is Coercive Bullying Manipulative and Repulsive OP.. this is not what Love is.... I feel sick reading what you have already endured.... flowers

AskBasil Sun 18-Mar-18 23:25:51

He's a rapist.

YANBU to not want to have sex with him, or be with him anymore.

UnimaginativeUsername Sun 18-Mar-18 23:27:28

@NellMangel what you’ve described reflects my experience with now exP. The expectation that holiday = sex, however inappropriate the situation.

And the absolute absence of any intimacy or even affection unless it involved sex. That’s an absolute killer because you cannot touch them without provoking an argument/sulking unless you’re willing to have sex and being coerced hardly puts you in the mood. Neither does actually being raped.

@Aspoonfulofsugar I’m sorry you’re in this situation. It sounds awful. I also had to put up with the insistence on long sex sessions despite knowing that I found them painful (I have arthritis in my spine and pelvis). It’s no way to live.

Rape crisis provide free counselling that might be really helpful for you.

Prestonsflowers Sun 18-Mar-18 23:29:14

* aspoonfullofsugar*
This is not normal, it’s so cruel and abusive.
I don’t know what to say but my heart goes out to you
I hope you can find a way out

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