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to be absolutely gutted that my husband said this

(457 Posts)
creepymumweirdo Sun 18-Mar-18 08:32:08

He doesn't find me "aesthetically pleasing" any more.

This is massively outing but I'm beyond caring...

I'm 34. We have a 2 year old. When my husband and I met I was a size 8/10. Now I'm a size 14/16. It's mostly around my middle, arms and massive boobs.

When my son was born I nearly died. I lost 3 litres of blood and woke up in intensive care. That was the beginning of a litany of disasters that saw me having four major operations in three months and ultimately resulted in a radical hysterectomy. I've had a premature menopause. I'm on antidepressants for PTSD and I take HRT.

Before we had our son we relocated to the part of the UK that my husband is from. I was for the move but it's not worked out as we had planned. We can't afford the house and standard of living that we thought we would. Money is really tight. He has his mum and friends from school within spitting distance. I've not made any proper friends. This has started to improve lately.

All things considered, I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together. I have a decent part time job. I dress well. I'm interested and excited by the world. I'm passionate and enthusiastic about things. Our son is an absolute joy and I'm a good mum to him. I worked really hard to seek out some good talking therapy about what happened when my son was born (not easy to access on the NHS) and it's been proving really helpful.

This has prompted my husband and I to have some interesting, sometimes difficult but mostly productive conversations lately. I guess that's pretty normal when you're reflecting on a difficult and defining time in your life. We had one of these conversations last night, basically about our sex life. After much beating about the bush he confirmed what I have suspected for a while: that he doesn't find me physically attractive any more. "Aesthetically pleasing" were his words.

I'm trying to be understanding and rational but I'm actually devastated by this. I've worked so hard get life back on track, be a good mum and regain myself, provide for our family and keep our home running. I'm a fair bit heavier than I used to be but it's not a phenomenal transformation. I don't particularly like it but I'm trying to be kind to myself and accept myself as I am so I can change the things I don't like in a positive way rather than out of self loathing. I feel like these things don't mean anything to him.

Frankly (at the risk of sounding arrogant) I'm inclined to think he should be massively impressed that my body kept me alive and that I've achieved everything I have in the last two years despite some pretty life changing set backs. Instead I cant help but think he just looks at the extra weight and sees failure.

He said he still loves me, and fancies me because I'm me, but doesn't want sex much any more. Should this be enough? Should I think myself lucky? I want to be a sexual person again. I'm only 34!

Even if I lost the weight and (more importantly in my opinion) got fitter again, which I hope to do in my own time, I think I'll always feel that his physical affection for me is conditional. I can't help but feel a bit disappointed that the desire of the man that I pledged myself to for the rest of my life is so based on how thin I am. I certainly don't want to give myself to him any more. I don't see how I can get past this.

Sorry this was son long.

Georgiesgirl Sun 18-Mar-18 08:34:54

Not U at all. What a shit thing to say. I think you sound fabulous.

dudsville Sun 18-Mar-18 08:35:26

Fuck him. You are amazing and your body is a star for keeping you alive. Tell him you don't find him very humane anymore but your own humanity means you take pity on him.

Dangerousmonkey Sun 18-Mar-18 08:35:48

He does sound quite shallow. Usually in a long term relationship the attraction has moved to a deeper level. Did he suggest this was the case? Maybe

Dangerousmonkey Sun 18-Mar-18 08:36:17

Maybe you could do better?

Flamingoringo Sun 18-Mar-18 08:37:42

I really felt for you reading that, what a thing to hear after going through such a difficult time. Have you told him how hurt you are?

ChasedByBees Sun 18-Mar-18 08:38:06

You sound strong and amazing and your instincts are right. I can understand why you’re disappointed in your DH. Could you consider counselling?

FenellaMaxwellsPony Sun 18-Mar-18 08:38:50

Well he doesn’t sound very emotionally or intellectually pleasing so I think you should upgrade. How dare he say that!

NellytheElephant18 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:39:21

Would you still fancy him if he was 3/4 stone heavier? Just playing devil’s advocate here - he definitely could have been more tactful!

QuiteLikely5 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:39:23

These types of post can divide opinion.

I do think you have been through a rough time and seem very positive in light of it so that is good

With your weight gain in all honesty if my husband gained four stone I just could not find him attractive either.

I don’t know why it comes as a surprise to people though.

He still loves you

TheMythicalChicken Sun 18-Mar-18 08:39:39

I think I'm doing a blinding job of keeping my shit together.

Indeed you are. You poor thing. What a horrible thing for him to say. I have no advice at all really, I just wanted to come on and say what a nice, intelligent, interesting person you sound. And also a great mum. You're fab; he's a tosser.

TERFragetteCity Sun 18-Mar-18 08:39:57

You are fucking unbelievable getting through all that alive - and he has the fucking cheek to say that?

What are the chances of moving back to the part of the uk where you will have some support? Either with him or without?

Fairylea Sun 18-Mar-18 08:40:24

And of course he hasn’t changed a jot in all the time you’ve been together? hmm

He is being incredibly immature. Life changes you and your body. I had a similar experience to you - lost 2.5 litres of blood in a traumatic birth, c section etc. Very difficult circumstances. Went from a size 8-10 to 16/18. Dh never once said or did anything to make me feel unloved or less than perfect. 6 years on I am slowly losing the weight through fitness but that’s because I want to, not pressure from anyone else.

Your dh needs to grow up.

comingintomyown Sun 18-Mar-18 08:40:29

I remember my XH telling me after he’d picked me up from the airport after a hen weekend that he’d felt disappointed at the sight of me or words to that affect. I just absorbed it but we have Mumsnet now I think you know what you should do

sonjadog Sun 18-Mar-18 08:40:50

What a shallow man he is. That must be very hurtful to hear.

jemmstar1980 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:41:20

The positive is that he has been honest

MrsDc7 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:42:23

You sound fabulous. Him? Not so much

Lethaldrizzle Sun 18-Mar-18 08:42:33

I don't think its completely fair to say you should fancy your partner whatever. Desire fluctuates. Appearance and personality are all part of that. Over the course of a long term relationship ship these things need nurturing and I certainly hope my dh continues to look after himself over our marriage as I do.

Idontdowindows Sun 18-Mar-18 08:43:59

Holy shit. You are not being unreasonable, if my husband said that I would be gutted as well.

He doesn't love you unless you conform to his standards of beauty. That is massively shit. sad

I'm so sorry. You are a strong and wonderful woman and you've done some amazing things and that body that he's complaining doesn't get his cock hard anymore did some much greater things: made a baby entirely out of your own resources (his body didn't contribute jack shit except half a cell!), kept you alive through incredibly difficult circumstances and that's amazing.

This is not your problem. Your husband has erectile disfunction due to being an arsehole and this is entirely his problem.

DontDrinkDontSmoke Sun 18-Mar-18 08:45:27

I’ve not been through what you have and there 4 stone of me DH didn’t marry. If he said something like that to me he’d never see me naked or indeed have sex with me again.

Your DH lacks emotional intelligence and empathy and his attraction to you is conditional.

You deserve better.

Theshittyendofthestick Sun 18-Mar-18 08:46:00

You've done amazing things over this difficult period, with both your mind and your body. Sounds to me like you're the sort of person who can take on the world and win. Your husband, who has been with you through all of this, should be able to recognise that and be in awe, not griping about a bit of extra weight.
You may or may not want to stay with him, but please don't let him make you feel like no one else would find you attractive. You are going to build a great life for yourself, so make sure you keep people around you who bring something positive. Nobody needs a whinger by their side flowers

MorningsEleven Sun 18-Mar-18 08:46:16

He's an arse and you sound incredible.

I'm 45, 2 c sections and nothing like the 24 year old me when I started seeing DH but a husband's job is to see beyond that and appreciate that he's still desirable despite the grey hairs, the middle aged spread and the fact that multiple surgeries have given him wonky balls.

Lovesagin Sun 18-Mar-18 08:46:42

He used those words? Those actual words? Sounds like a review from that punting website "she was very aesthetically pleasing as she walked into the hotel room".

egginacup Sun 18-Mar-18 08:46:51

And I’m sure he looks like Brad Pitt, right? hmm

What a wanker. I went through this with my exH. Lack of intimacy after DC2 was born, he would make subtle disparaging comments about my appearance and when I finally asked him about it, he basically said he didn’t fancy me anymore as I’d put on weight (about a stone). I was gutted, it really knocked my confidence and I blamed it all on myself. He put me down in other ways as well, I felt like I was constantly jumping through hoops to try and please him.

About 2 years after that, luckily for me he had an affair and I saw the light and kicked him out. I’m now with a wonderful man who thinks I’m gorgeous as I am and tells me all the time smile

FissionChips Sun 18-Mar-18 08:47:23

I can’t imagine having my DH almost die and then giving one shiny shit what he looks like, I’d just be incredibly greatful to the universe that he was alive!

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