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To be annoyed at friend having fourth child

(59 Posts)
FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin Sun 18-Mar-18 08:27:24

I know I’ll probably be flamed but please hear me out. I have a friend from school and we live close and have been in and out of touch. She’s been in a relationship with someone married with children. He keeps flip flopping between them and they have him back. He holds down a job for a few months then changes his mind and is unemployed.

She has a good degree but since finishing now has four children under 8 and has not worked. She volunteered that she had been using ‘natural contraception’ using the calendar and that she had not wanted to be pregnant again. I said, ‘well obviously that’s not working for you, so if you don’t want to end up with ten kids, you’re going to need to speak to a gp about proper contraception.’ She was not upset and we carried on talking.

I know someone with four kids, they have a stable relationship, partner had a full time job. Good got them, crack on. It’s not the four kids that’s a problem it’s the whole situation. As far as I know there is no domestic violence.

I just can’t understand this.

Theshittyendofthestick Sun 18-Mar-18 08:29:22

Not your business though, is it?

QuietWalking Sun 18-Mar-18 08:30:53

None of your business, not your problem.

BarryChuckle Sun 18-Mar-18 08:31:17

YABU It’s not your business at all.

Dangerousmonkey Sun 18-Mar-18 08:32:26

You seem over invested in her conforming to your ideals.

Hadjab Sun 18-Mar-18 08:33:46

It’s fine for you to not understand, but it’s her choice, soooooo...

Flamingoringo Sun 18-Mar-18 08:33:54

Well she’s daft to keep having kids with someone like that, but what can you do?

Purpledahlia88 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:34:52

Be annoyed all you want, it's not up to you.

Foodylicious Sun 18-Mar-18 08:36:53

Don't hoik your judgey pants any higher, you'll get a terrible wedgie

sinceyouask Sun 18-Mar-18 08:37:01

How is this affecting you personally? Are you expected to provide a lot of practical/ financial/ emotional support? Are the dc suffering and you find it hard to witness? Or is it just a case of her making decisions you feel are unwise? Because if the latter, it's just not your business.

abbsisspartacus Sun 18-Mar-18 08:37:41

Back away this friendship is not for you

GreatDuckCookery Sun 18-Mar-18 08:39:02

I don't understand your title. She already has 4 dc and isn't even pregnant. confused

Rainboho Sun 18-Mar-18 08:39:14

You’re not her friend, you’re her judge and jury.

SpringEquinox Sun 18-Mar-18 08:45:08

Think you are right, OP - I don't think I'd be annoyed as such but would despair of a friend continuing to make life choices based on such shaky ground. It's the flip flop man I'd be annoyed with.

MaidenMotherCrone Sun 18-Mar-18 08:46:48

You're not really her friend though are you Op she's just someone you were in school
with. A real friend wouldn't judge like this.

Now, what about asking for suggestions for hobbies so you can fill your time with something useful/fun/productive.

Rachie1973 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:51:09


I just can’t understand this.

You don't need to understand it, it's not your problem or your business.

ConstantlyCold Sun 18-Mar-18 08:51:09

I’m baffled by her choices too.

Everyone judges people all the time. I’m always baffled as to why people think judging someone’s behaviour is a social crime.

Alabama3 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:52:41

isnt the issue here the "i dont want to be pregnant again/have more children, but i'm not going to do anything more than half arsed to prevent it - with a married to someone else man, who cant hold down a job, and i'm meant to be intelligent"


PurpleDaisies Sun 18-Mar-18 08:52:52

If she doesn’t dump you, I’d back away. You clearly don’t like her very much.

MarthasGinYard Sun 18-Mar-18 08:53:44

They must be loaded to be able to afford all those dc.

KERALA1 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:53:57

So to recap, he is married to someone else. She lives on benefits has 3 kids with him and is having a fourth? Does he financially support them?

And all you virtue signallers above saying you wouldn't judge. I don't believe you.

demirose87 Sun 18-Mar-18 08:55:07

Fair enough, you don't like her life choices and it's not something you would choose for yourself but it's not your business.

x2boys Sun 18-Mar-18 08:55:54

Well since the change in tax credits she won't get any more money , for another child I expect you will find she doesn't get pregnant again .....

Jassmells Sun 18-Mar-18 08:56:09

I don't quite understand if they are his kids or someone else's or she's pregnant? But the domestic violence and naivety re contraception are both causes for concern.

GnotherGnu Sun 18-Mar-18 08:56:59

Obviously if she claims that she doesn't want to be pregnant but is taking half-arsed ineffective measures to prevent it, what you said is absolutely correct, OP. Telling her that if she doesn't want loads of kids she needs to sort out proper contraception is the simple truth, nothing for her to get offended about.

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