AIBU to think that the key to happiness is to have low expectations

[Octopus37]

Hi, sorry this is going to sound like a bit of a pity party but wondering if I'm right. Think I might be a bit depressed, dont want to go back on meds cause I still haven't got together to lose the weight from last time. Thinking of trying a Seretonic suppment from HB instead. Anyway so as not to dripfeed, here goes.

We have had a dificult few years, 4 years ago a very close friend of mine died suddently, 3 years ago my MIL died suddenly, 16 years ago (this week) my Mum died, my Dad is in a v difficult relationship with a woman who hates me and probably has dementia, he is 79. My oldest Son has anxiety issues because of the deaths and situation with my Dad, he is getting extra support at school and we have been referred to CAHMS. Two years ago I had a horrible work situation which wrecked my confidence and I ended up in a bit of a state, on ADs for a while. I dont feel as if I have the courage to work in an office ever again and I am self-employed. The fee for my main job has just been cut (nothing to do with my work) and I worry a lot about future finances. I work as hard as I can, I have recently set up a blog and work as much as I can with that and my self employed work around my kids to contribute as much as I can to our household. We may be moving house, our buyer is holding things up at the moment, as we need more room and it is important to my DH to have a nice house, he is a train driver and works shifts.

Unfortunately a lot of the people we know including family are very comfortable financially, which I am aware skews my perception of everything. My pension post isnt worth very much which really worries me and I worry that we are not going to be able to help our kids get through uni, buy houses etc when the time comes. I feel as if I am letting them down as we cannot afford to go on holiday every year, whereas my nephews go on a trip after trip with school, sorry I know comparison is the thief of joy. I just feel as if I am letting my kids down and worried about being piss poor when I am older. Consider others options but the sacrifices are too much, ie where we live my DH has work as do I, it is very easy to get around, schools are good, our friends are like family, we dont have any family locally.

Its just occurred to me that if I just accepted that I cannot give the boys much, accepted that we cannot go on many holidays rather than having lots of aspirations, accepted that I am never going to earn very much and will always be living more or less hand to mouth rather than doing well that I could be happier. Also maybe I should just accept being a stone heavier than I should be, rather than torturing myself about not looking how I used to look and failing to do anything about it. I know a few people who lead simpler lives and haven't had high aspirations with jobs or travel and they seem happier. Can anyone else relate to this. Sorry if it sounds a bit garbled.

[seasidelife]

I think acceptance is a very important factor in all areas in life. You've been through an awful lot recently, maybe accepting that and accepting that you don't have to fix everything in your life all at once might make things easier to face and tackle more efficiently. I don't think having lower expectations overall is the complete answer, lowering some of your expectations, taking some of the pressure off yourself for a while but having dreams and targets for moving forward can keep you motivated, baby steps, one thing at a time and when you feel overwhelmed, think about the here and now, right now do you have enough money for life basics, food, warmth, clothing?

[Octopus37]

You are right about the life basics aspect. I suppose I have to concentrate on work and getting this house first.

[seasidelife]

I think that's a great, positive way to start moving forward. Pick two priorities to focus on and be nice to yourself!! Life has been really tough for you and I don't feel like you have enough respect for what you are actually achieving every single day!!

[Oblomov18]

You have had a lot.
To deal with.
Acceptance is key.
Ds1 has very wealthy secondary school friends. But I've accepted that Dh and I are good enough!

[seasidelife]

Did the ad's make things easier to cope with? Is it worth talking to your gp about trying a different one, there are so many available and they don't all trigger weight gain, they might have some other ideas?

[allthegoodnameshadgone]

Take one step at a time. You have each other. I'm not great at writing or expressing things but I didn't want to read and run.

You have had an incredibly hard time by the sounds of it.

My parents couldn't help me with financial things but I don't feel they have failed me or anything like that.

I'm a bit more stable now after a poor marriage etc and I really enjoy treating them when I can. They did their best for me and they are always there for me in every other way.

💐

[Octopus37]

Thanks very much for all you kindness,

[flapjackfairy]

My friends husband has a saying " acceptance is peace ".
I agree to some degree but have a hard time working out when to fight on in a situation or let go iyswim.
It is a bit like the serenity prayer . Change what you can , accept what you cant but most importantly have the wisdom to know the difference.
I will let you know if i ever crack it

[Octopus37]

My Dad has helped me financially but he has basically been emotionally absent as a Dad and Grandad for the past 10 years. I work hard at keeping a relationship going with him but very difficult when I can only phone at specific times and half the time his partner is moaning in the background. When I went up to see them gor a day a month ago she looked at me and walked off, wouldn't even say hello to me to start with, bloody hard but I am trying to stay on an even keel with my Dad partly for my own sanity.

[ImogenTubbs]

Acceptance doesn't mean you stop striving to be better. It just means you recognise that you cannot work miracles. It also helps you to stop and appreciate the little things in life that you can miss if you're always worrying about what you don't have.

to you OP. You've had a tough time.

[allthegoodnameshadgone]

My most prominent memories are emotional. Ones

Being able to tell my mum everything and and anything.
Being read stories too.
Being allowed to stay up and watch Dallas and prisoner cell block h.
Growing up and becoming a single mother and realising just what my mum did for me on her own every single day.
Paying my own bills and realising she went without things so I had everything everybody else did.
Meeting my stepdad and him adopting me a few years later.

You might feel lost now but when your kids grow up they will understand even more what an amazing job you are doing.

[sleepylittlebunnies]

I think it is a bit about managing expectations. While it’s great to have ambitions and to strive to improve ourselves and our lot I think happiness is more likely to be achieved through learning to accept and to be content with what we have. Seeing it written down they seem like conflicting ideas, but I think I’m trying to say that you can’t have everything and to accept that and work out what the most important bits are.

I haven’t suffered all the losses you have but I do have anxiety and depression with led to massive food issues and obesity. I’m on sertraline and have lost 5 stone in 6 months, so not all anti depressants cause weight gain. It may be worth exploring different meds.

We aren’t big earners but probably earn similar to family and many friends. DH used to be envious of friends with new cars, bigger houses in nicer areas or designer gear. We probably appear poorer but on top of a warm comfortable home and decent food we spend a lot of our income on days out, activities and holidays. I had to point this all out to DH. We are content in that we won’t want to work more to have more. Whether that is having low expectations or achievable expectations I don’t know but they are realistic for us.

[allthegoodnameshadgone]

Op I hope you read all this and feel a bit better.

[Stillamum3]

Your children will remember your love and the fact that you did your best for them. After my husband strayed once too often and I divorced him, we were often very short of money. Sometimes I took them into the nearby woods to collect firewood ( it sounds like Hansel & Gretel!) and I hated having to do it, but what they remembered was the fun and achievement of helping to provide for us! I was amazed when they told me that years later. I know that now there is more pressure for children to have all the latest things, but what matters is that you do your best and give them your love and time. Good luck and try not to feel bad. I always say " Blessed is he that expecteth nothing, for he shall not be disappointed"