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To sneakily get married and not tell anyone

(120 Posts)
coastalchick Sat 17-Mar-18 08:23:04

Context: OH proposed in July last year. We wanted to be married quickly so set a date for December last year. Was going to be the “big” wedding. Then, 4 days later, found out was pregnant so postponed until September this year.

However, had a missed miscarriage at almost 10 weeks end August. By this point I was a month off being aged 39 so we decided to forget wedding and try for another baby instead (we have no living children).

January this year we happily found out we were pregnant again. So once hit 12 weeks booked for September next year.

However, we don’t really want to wait to be married as by that point, will have been engaged 2.5 years. Also, given my age, I suspect we will want to get trying for a second (I’ll be 40 when I give birth) straight away (lady part damage permitting!)

We live offshore so wedding anywhere nice will be at least 20k. And that’s only around 50 guests.

We are now thinking we’d like to be married before baby born and we both earn decent amounts but 20k is not something we can spend without really grimacing. We want to buy a holiday home in France (subject to what effect Brexit has on ex pats purchasing) and can’t help but think money would be better spent there.

We’ve thought about just having parents and siblings at a small day but feel it would be awkward as my parents are very difficult socially.

So now we are thinking of just getting married the 2 of us in next month or so and having a big party next year which can act as wedding celebration, my 40th and baby’s naming day - we can have it in our garden (hire caterers etc) and think will be more intimate and much cheaper.

Think OH’s parents will be ok but think mine will be upset - mainly because my dad likes to show off and is hoping to invite some of their friends (he was paying for reception).

AIBU to just go off and get married?

pandapop17 Sat 17-Mar-18 08:33:53

Go for It! If I ever got married again I would definitely just go to registry office. Big weddings are expensive and overrated.

Lottapianos Sat 17-Mar-18 08:37:06

Do it. If DP and I were planning to get married, I would want to just do it quietly and tell almost no one. Big weddings and being the centre of attention (not to mention the cost) are not for everyone

GreenTulips Sat 17-Mar-18 08:37:34

People have been eloping for years! Our families were quite good about it because we had children and liytle money.

KindergartenKop Sat 17-Mar-18 08:37:43

Do it. You have more important things to spend your money and time on than an expensive wedding.

PurpleDaisies Sat 17-Mar-18 08:38:20

If that’s what you want, go for it. Some people will be probably be sad they didn’t get to support you on your wedding day though.

Big weddings are not “overrated”. They’re just a different way of doing it. One isn’t intrinsically better or worse than another.

Thebluedog Sat 17-Mar-18 08:38:34

Do it OP, it’s the way I’d do it

diabolicaldevil Sat 17-Mar-18 08:38:37

I had a really small wedding (think it cost us in the region of £2000) and I have NEVER regretted it. When I go to massive weddings I just feel a little bit underwhelmed most of the time

jaseyraex Sat 17-Mar-18 08:38:44

Do it! If it's what you and your partner want and it will make you both happy, go for it and don't think about what anyone else might have to say about it.

I did similar. I miscarried about four months before our wedding and found out my dad was very ill around the same time. So we cancelled our big wedding three months before the date and we went to the registry office with ten close family and friends instead. Went to our favourite restaurant for a meal after and out for some drinks. Spent the night in a hotel. We baked ourselves a wedding cake the next day with our DS. Best decision we made and wish we'd just done that from the beginning! Do what makes you happy and have a lovely wedding day.

ALemonyPea Sat 17-Mar-18 08:40:18

Go for it. DH and I got married without telling anyone, still married 17 years later.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sat 17-Mar-18 08:40:45

Do It. My DB and SIL had the excellent idea of marrying in the tropics as part of their round the world trip, and sent everyone a video. A lot of the potential guests couldn't have travelled, particularly my dad and her aunt, both dying of cancer.

Twooter Sat 17-Mar-18 08:42:04

I just know that I would be devastated not to go to any of my dc’s wedding. I would try not to show it though.

Mybabystolemysanity Sat 17-Mar-18 08:43:31

Absolutely do it. I had a loss in between organising the wedding and the date, then DD was a honeymoon baby. Our wedding was small by anyone's standards (20 people who I thought were close friends. Such a disappointment as haven't seen a single one since and we've just had our second wedding anniversary. Also my parents didn't come) We've only just finished paying for it and I wish so much that it had just been me and him. You seem to know what you want. Explain that to your parents and hopefully they will want you to be happy rather than throw a party for them.

Enidblyton1 Sat 17-Mar-18 08:43:56

Personally I wouldn't do anything that would make my parents unhappy.
Definitely ditch the big wedding, but I'd have parents and siblings. What are you worried about - in what way would your parents be 'socially awkward'?

Mogleflop Sat 17-Mar-18 08:44:58

Hmm. On the one hand you should go for it; I don't understand big weddings or people's need to be at them at all, it's a baffling social ritual to me.

On the other hand, you don't want to look back and remember a lovely day but then have months and years of your parents sulking at you - and his parents might surprise you too. People are weird and emotional over these things sometimes.

So in your place I'd probably have an unofficial vow ceremony between the two of us, then have a small proper one with just the close family myself.

Motherofstudent Sat 17-Mar-18 08:49:55

You didn't need your post at all OP (in the nicest way) because YANB in the tiniest bit U. Just go for it! Personally I think there's something exciting and romantic about just doing it - my DB did and I wish I had instead of spending many thousands of pounds on mine.

You can always have a big party afterwards if you want one. Otherwise just focus on you, your DH and your baby. And congratulations btw.

And if any of my DC decide to elope / just do it, I don't think I'd be upset. Maybe a bit miffed about being done out of my chance to shine but it's not about me....

BikeRunSki Sat 17-Mar-18 08:50:19

Just do it. If being married is important to you, just do it. The big party can wait - you have lots of events coming up to celebrate.

A colleague just went and got married a few years ago. No fuss, no big deal. Her, her husband , a couple of friends as witnesses. No one knew a thing until she bought in some cakes the following week.

HRTpatch Sat 17-Mar-18 08:56:28

Definitely do it. Dont worry about other has nothing to do with them

wibblywobblyfish Sat 17-Mar-18 08:59:08

My sister got married and didn't tell any family until afterwards. TBH I'm gutted still. My mum put on a brave face about it all. It's made me think about the way I view our family dynamics.

coastalchick Sat 17-Mar-18 09:00:51

Wow! Thank you all for your kind words and words of wisdom.

I’m also so sorry for all of you having suffered losses. x

My parents have met OH’s mum twice now (not his dad as he is re-married and no longer lives here) and last time they cake for Xmas and it just makes me anxious as it’s clear it’s strained! I think if it was just parents and siblings we would not enjoy the day as we’d be anxious about this!

PurpleDaisies Sat 17-Mar-18 09:01:38

Don't worry about other has nothing to do with them

It’s all very well saying that, but isn’t it a little bit cruel not to even think about how close family and friends might feel about not being invited to your wedding? My mum and sisters would have been absolutely gutted.

I’m not saying don’t do it, but it’s not totally unreasonable for people to be sad when they hear that’s what you’re doing.

HRTpatch Sat 17-Mar-18 09:04:19

Why would you be gutted???

ZoeWashburne Sat 17-Mar-18 09:07:44

It’s absolutely fine to elope! 2 generations ago, it was incredibly common.

Just to be clear, you would tell your family you are married afterwards, right? It’s fine to throw a celebration anniversary party a year later, but it’s not ok to lie to everyone and pretend this is your actual wedding.

Sarsparella Sat 17-Mar-18 09:08:55

Do it smile my mum & dad got married without telling anyone & it was what I wanted to do - I told DH it was a ‘family tradition’ grin we ended up with 40 at ours so still small

Getting married is about you & DH, it’s not about a big expensive wedding, I think you should do what’s right for you

BertrandRussell Sat 17-Mar-18 09:09:51

Go for it. But be aware that people will be upset. Two people in my family have done this and it caused a lot of hurt. Hidden S much as possible from the couples concerned but very real, none the less.

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