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AIBU?

DH getting at me because he works more hours

132 replies

SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:41

DH works Monday to Thursday 7.30-5.30 and Friday 7.30- 12.30 and Saturday 7.30-11.30. He does have the option to condense these hours into Monday-Friday but he chooses to work Saturdays instead.

I work Monday-Thursday 8am-5pm.

He works more hours, I get it. Yet he's so bloody bitter about it and goes on about it like it's my fault he has to work more hours and questions me about what housework I've done on my days off.

Like yesterday I went and bought a couple of reed diffusers, got home and the dog had ripped the couch up so I got distracted with sorting that out and left one of the boxes on the sofa instead of throwing it away. On the other hand I did a load of washing, put everyone's clothes away, tidied the bedroom and cleaned the kitchen. I also went to gym. He came home at 12.30 and whined that I'd been off all day and couldn't even be arsed to clean a box off the sofa. I ignored him cos I knew he was after a row so later on when he'd had a drink he starts ranting that my son had mucky pots in his bedroom and I'd been off work all day and couldn't even be arsed to sort the pots out. He doesn't consider the things I DO do. He then carries on making digs about how many hours he works saying stuff like "oh well, better get to bed, back at work tomorrow as usual" and "well, one more shift and it's weekend for me too, well, one and a half days anyway" etc etc

It's making me want to leave him!! I have no interest in working more hours just to match what he works. We're financially comfortable with over a grand spare each month after all bills and groceries have been paid for. I'm not going to work more just to appease him. His ex wife never worked at all (ever) yet that was fine - but with me he's so bloody bitter about it I sometimes think I'd be happier single

OP posts:
Trailedanderror · 17/03/2018 07:43

I’m sure you would be. How long have you been together and how old is your son?

CosmicCanary · 17/03/2018 07:44

Hes a twat.
I would leave him in a heartbeat.

SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:44

Been together 6 years. My son is 17 and yes I know he's a pain in the arse but I'm sick of DH getting at me about every little thing. If it wasn't the pots in DS's room it would have been something else.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 17/03/2018 07:46

Whose house is it?

SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:47

Both of our house, we bought it together and own it jointly

OP posts:
Trailedanderror · 17/03/2018 07:47

What’s he like with your son?

Grobagsforever · 17/03/2018 07:48

He sounds like a grumpy bitter middle aged toss pot. He actually only works five days but chooses to spread them over six days so he can moan about it. Lovely

VaguelyAware · 17/03/2018 07:50

Does he have to work all those hours? Could he get another job? I suspect it may not be about the hours worked, he sounds grumpy & is using it as an excuse to take it out on you. In any case, if you increased your hours, how would that make his position better?

StealthPolarBear · 17/03/2018 07:50

His life is clearly miserable. If you don't have dc with him I'd leave him to it. He has choices like the rest of us.

minmooch · 17/03/2018 07:51

Tell him to grow the fuck up! Remind him each and every time he mentions his hours that it is his choice to do those hours. If he does not like it then as an adult he can bloody well do something about it.

These snide comments are unnecessary, corrosive, bullying and will likely end your marriage. Tell him that each and every time.

If he does not change his attitude then I'd be making arrangements to leave. Who wants to live with a bitter person - it's horrid. I left my husband for similar reasons. When I moved into my new house I realised how lovely it was to just relax and not wait for that snide comment that was like a black cloud as he entered the house.

Life is too short for this type of shit. You only get this one life so make it a happy one.

DayKay · 17/03/2018 07:51

He sounds like a misery all around.
I would tell him to shut up with his boring tedious moaning and maybe list all the things you’ve done at home as a one off and ask him how much he’s done?
And a 17 yr old can sort out their own pots. Though I’m not sure what you mean. Plant pots? Cooking pots? Either way, 17 yrs old and practically an adult.

GreenTulips · 17/03/2018 07:51

STOP doing the house work and go out and have a nice time with a friend - THEN let him see the real mess!!

Or tell him to shut up!

Personally I'd record joe many hours housework you do

Include everything you do for the family - shopping ironing washing cooking errands (hair cuts gift buying car service) etc Then include bill paying and getting quotes dealing with trades etc

Present it as fact - these are things you do without payment

chocolateiamydrug · 17/03/2018 07:51

he sounds awful, OP. Does he also have any good qualities?

GreenTulips · 17/03/2018 07:52

OH and let's not forget the invisible jobs - toilet cleaning vacuuming the stairs polishing etc

chocolateiamydrug · 17/03/2018 07:53

Personally I'd record joe many hours housework you do

what kind of marriage is that where you have to record the housework you do in order to justify not working extra hours (given that the OP is financially very comfortable)?

SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:55

He works 45 hours (although that's only when they're busy, some weeks he might work 36). I'm on a casual hours contract and choose my own hours. I feel 4 days is a good balance for me and DH is constantly on at me to not commit to more hours, not to commit to a month ahead etc etc as he likes the flexibility of me not working when we have something going on (one of the cars breaking etc) yet then moans about how much HE works. I can't do right for wrong.

Example last month work asked me to commit to 4 days a week over March. DH told me not to invade something comes up. March comes and I ended up not getting a shift in the 1st march as I'd left it too late to tell them I'd do it - DH was upset that I had an extra day off. Same thing has happened this month, they have asked me to commit to 4 days a week over April and DH has told me not to. Then when I miss out on shifts, it will be my fault!

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 17/03/2018 07:55

You can afford for him to drop a day. I’d tell him I’d heard enough and for him to either drop a day and see if he is happier, or forever keep his peace on the subject.

What a focus environment for you all.

And your Son is old enough to clear his own plates from his room, don’t raise another generation of men who expect women to run around after them like cleaning pixies at home.

NapQueen · 17/03/2018 07:55

"Gosh dh it surprises me how angry you get about a lifestyle you have chosen for yourself. No one is forcing you to work these hours. No one is forcing you to be such a grumpy twat"

SilverBirchTree · 17/03/2018 07:56

*toxic, not focus

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 17/03/2018 07:57

Perhaps itemise all the hours you do stuff around the house and bill him for each thing? Two hours cleaning? Bill the fucker. Hoovering the house he lives in? Bill the fucker. Cooking his supper? Bill the fucker.

It must be exhausting having to justify your actions and work/life stuff to someone who supposedly is in it with you. But his shitty attitude isn't about you; it's about him. So don't do as I've suggested above, because he'll just get more shitty. Instead explain to him that his attitude needs readjusting because you're sick of it and if he's unhappy with his work situation he needs to be the one to change it. Be blunt and say just what you've said above, that you're reaching the point of reconsidering your relationship.

You're not there to justify anything to him. You don't owe him an explanation for anything. You don't need to even listen. Let him deal with his own problem attitude.

GreenTulips · 17/03/2018 07:57

what kind of marriage is that where you have to record the housework you do in order to justify not working extra hours

One where the DH complains his wife isn't working anywhere near long enough nor hard enough

IF OP did extra shifts - he'd have to step up and do more housework so their free time is balanced - it's all relevant

treaclesoda · 17/03/2018 07:57

He is trying to control you. You work too much, you work too little. He is enjoying making you walk on eggshells.

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SquashFeet · 17/03/2018 07:59

Yes I do 100% of the shopping, 100% of the laundry, 99% of the cooking, the kitchen every day, im the only one that hoovers and washes the floors, change the beds etc etc baring in mind I work 30 hours a week too.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 17/03/2018 08:01

He sounds like a controlling arse.

Was this a problem in his previous relationship?

Has he always spoken to you like that?
Is he critical of anything else?
Your friends, how you look, what you are interested in?

SavoyCabbage · 17/03/2018 08:01

I couldn't live like that. It's no life never having a moment of relaxation or fun because someone is going to have a go at you for it.

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