Talk

Advanced search

To not attend the 'surprise' baby shower MIL arranged for me

(526 Posts)
GiantStuffedDragons Sat 17-Mar-18 00:01:27

A bit of background so I don't dripfeed, MIL and I have always had an up and down awkward relationship. When I first got together with DH she disapproved of me because I come from a poor family and threatened to cut him out of the will. Once she realised DH was still going to date me she made more effort to get to know me.

Then when DH and I got engaged she was very overly involved in the wedding planning, inviting people we hadn't asked and ordering things like flowers without asking. Admittedly I am partly at fault as I let her got too far without telling her to stop. Though at the time I was having some mental health issues and was struggling to cope. Eventually I told DH to sort it all out and he told her to stop but it took a while for our relationship to go back to the way it was.

I am pregnant with our first DCs. We struggled to conceive and had to have multiple rounds of IVF to get to this point. I am very grateful to be pregnant however it has been a really tough pregnancy for me. The baby is due a couple of weeks after Easter and the back and hip pain and the nausea are really bad. I am really struggling just to do basic tasks and I am trying to sort out my maternity leave earlier than planned because I am finding it really tough.

MIL is very excited about the pregnancy but can also take it a bit far. For example she keeps buying us things which she knows we have already bought because she has seen a better one, or referring to the baby as her princess. Even though we don't know if the baby will be a girl or a boy yet.

So to the point. We went to see the ILs last weekend for mothers day. They live a few hours drive away so we stay over night when we go there. I really struggled on the drive there and I was sick plus my back hurt so much I cried. So we spend the night and it was pretty usual as far as a visit to the ILs is concerned but the drive back was horrible and I struggled the whole way home and I was knackered in work and ended up going home early.

Then on Wednesday MIL text me saying that she was arranging a family party this weekend and DH and I had to come to it. I said I was sorry but I didn't think I would be able to come but that DH will go. She messaged back asking why so I explained that I was struggling with travelling there and that I was sick and in pain so I would be a rubbish party guest anyway but assured her DH will be there. She then called me telling me that I have to attend as this will be that last party she throws before I have the baby and I must come. I apologised but said I don't think I can manage it. She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision.

On Thursday we realised that there is pretty bad snow and ice forecast for this weekend so it's unlikely that anyone will be able to go to the party. So DH called a couple of times but MIL didn't answer so he text her explaining the situation.

This evening I got a call off MIL saying that she is devastated that we aren't coming and we need to come to this party. I explained again and she said that she was really upset that I wasn't coming and that she was annoyed that I was keeping DH from the party. I reminded her that DH might not go due to the weather and it was nothing to do with me. She said that we were going to make her look stupid and then she hung up.

I then got a call from FIL explaining that I had to go to the party because MIL has arranged a massive baby shower for me and that if I don't go I will disappoint not just MIL but everyone who was invited and have already bought gifts. I wasn't really sure what to say so apologised and FIL said that he expects to see us there as this is important to MIL. He then hung up on me.

So when DH got home from work I told him what had happened. He started saying that maybe we should go then and seeing if he could find the shovel in case it has snowed in the morning. I said hang on I don't think I can travel there again. He said he was sure we could find a way around it and that we had to go because other people have been invited and brought presents. I said what about me and he said he would find a way for us to go and started planning a route with loads of comfort breaks and I have come upstairs because I am annoyed but I know it's not really fair.

I hate baby showers anyway which doesn't help but I really don't want to go. But I also don't want to upset all those people. Most of them will be people and extended family that I won't know very well but I will have to see again at other parties that MIL throws and I don't want them to hate me. But I am really struggling and I know some people cope well with pregnancy and that I'm not the first person to be pregnant but the thought of that drive again makes me want to cry. But I also don't want to upset anyone and DH is trying to make it work.

So AIBU to not attend or should I just suck it up and go so I don't upset all the people who have made an effort for me.

Greenyogagirl Sat 17-Mar-18 00:04:14

I think you are a bit, you said the relationship has been up and down and it sounds like she’s really trying to make an effort (however cackhanded)

ohfourfoxache Sat 17-Mar-18 00:06:14

Fuck. That.

Don’t go, you’re pregnant and in pain.

She’s just going to have to deal with it. There is no way in hell I’d be making that journey, and I’d be telling dh he can bloody well go by himself

GreenTulips Sat 17-Mar-18 00:07:55

Nope! Stay home in bed with a good book and a warm blanket!

She could've thrown the party last weekend - she can tell them the bad weather will cancle the get together

She sounds like a nightmare who has no idea how to listen to what others want or need -

Tough! She needs to sort it out not for you to worry about

And tell DH - it's his baby too - so he can go and accept the gifts of he really feels the need - bit you're staying home

Flutterbyeee Sat 17-Mar-18 00:08:25

Do not go. I am impressed how you have stuck to your guns. My family got pissed off with me for not attending an all day outdoor music festival when I had my 1st baby who was six weeks old and breastfeeding. Sod them. Take care of yourself.

Ozgirl75 Sat 17-Mar-18 00:08:48

Could she move the party closer to you?

OliviaStabler Sat 17-Mar-18 00:09:51

Don't go. Start as you mean to go on. Give in now and your PIL and DH will always take advantage of you. You are not well enough to travel, end of discussion.

NoSquirrels Sat 17-Mar-18 00:10:09

Oh dear - you have unfortunately contracted norovirus the n top of everything else - how bloody awful for you, OP. wink

fuzzywuzzy Sat 17-Mar-18 00:11:09

Wow, how have you not completely lost your temper at them?

In your shoes I’d have had a screaming crying tantrum. I had really awful SPD and no way on earth would I have acquiesced to driving a few hours for a party!

Offer to repeatedly whack your husband in the lower back with a brick then tell him to drive to his parents. He’s utterly dismissing how much pain you are in.

BackforGood Sat 17-Mar-18 00:12:00

No way I would be going (and I normally defend MiLs on here grin).

You've just been, despite being unwell and really struggling with the journey.
As soon as she mentioned you going again, you said you wouldn't be able to. tbh, at that point, I wouldn't have suggested my dh went so you were very accommodating.
I would not be impressed by her saying she would speak to your dh for your answer !!! shock. Even more so when you had clearly given it.
YANBU, and I simply would not go, and, quite frankly I'd be having word with dh as to why his mother's decisions about his life were more important to him than his own decisions - made in light of the weather forecast, and the fact you aren't very well hmm

As I say, I'm no MiL 'basher', and generally I am here defending - or at least putting their pov.

fabulous01 Sat 17-Mar-18 00:12:59

She is Luke my mil
I wouldn’t go. I also think she is horrendous for not listening to you as to the reasons.
My other advice is to make sure you don’t have a spare room as they will visit a lot when baby is born

Appuskidu Sat 17-Mar-18 00:13:28

Don’t go! Going for mother’s Day was enough- you don’t need to go the weekend after either!

SeaToSki Sat 17-Mar-18 00:15:47

You poor thing, that is a heck of a decision to make. I can just feel the emotional pressure that is on you to go, and the dread of the drive and party you are feeling. I’m wondering if there is a way to a middle ground. Can your DH call his parents and ask if they can reschedule because you are sick and the bad weather and do it for a time when LO is here, so everyone gets to see the baby, and you have a chance to feel up for the drive? Maybe when baby is about 4\5 weeks ish? Im sure if he put it right he could persuade your ILs that all the guests would be happy to not turn out in miserable weather and also have a chance to meet the baby.

LeighaJ Sat 17-Mar-18 00:16:11

She shouldn't have made it a surprise and it's generally better to have them a bit sooner before due date because women feel so bad at the end.

No one sounds like they're having a great reaction to the issue, so all parties seem a bit unreasonable.

I had to travel for 6 hours in a car before right after getting multiple injections in my lower back and neck. My back and neck were in agony and it triggered a migraine as well. Brought cold packs to make it somewhat bearable. It was for a good friends wedding weekend that I simply couldn't miss so I just had to suck it up and slept for about 10 or 12 hours after arriving there.

You might find you need to do the same since it's not the fault of the guests travelling there that your MIL made a mess of it.

I might be slightly biased though because I was meant to have a baby shower for our first child hosted by my Mom and MIL last weekend but as usual the only thing I can depend on from my Mother is that she's flaky and will fuck things up. So no shower and I'm going to be butthurt about that for awhile I think.

SunshineAfterRain Sat 17-Mar-18 00:22:11

The most important thing right now is that you and baby are comfortable.
The last thing you want to be doing is travelling a long distance with hip and back problems. Plus if it gets colder your joint will feel worse probably.

A silly idea but ----You could always Skype them I suppose if it goes ahead. May be a little strange but at least you could thank them etc yourself.

Or is it possible to have the party in your house ?

This is honestly why I hate surprises people mean well but it can force someone into an uncomfortable situation.

Nocabbageinmyeye Sat 17-Mar-18 00:22:14

Not a hope in hell would I go. Look she (and your fil and dh) have made it pretty clear that your baby shower is about your mil and not you hmm in fact the only way you factor into the surprise party you don't want is for people to tell you your feelings and physical comfort don't matter, nah fuck that, I'd take myself and my elastic pants off to the couch with an Easter egg and tell dh to go, it's his baby too after all, let him go thank people for their presents

Prestonsflowers Sat 17-Mar-18 00:24:46

I’m a MIL and my DIL is pregnant with their second baby, gladly she is coping well. I live about 3 hours drive away from my DS,DIL and DGS. There are NO circumstances that would make me insist on them coming to visit me, my DH would not phone them and try and guilt trip them into making a visit. If I tried to force my DS and his family to make the trip I would be told NO it’s not on.
I love my DS more than life itself but he has other priorities now, and so he should. He has a family of his own and they must take preference.
Do not give in and tell your DH not to either.
Best wishes for your future family life

musketeersmama Sat 17-Mar-18 00:25:49

I think she's trying to make a lovely effort. I'd reciprocate and grit my teeth and go.

Ariesgirl1988 Sat 17-Mar-18 00:35:09

Wow what a demanding woman! she sounds like a bloody controlling narcissist! first of all she didn't tell you it was a surprise shower merely saying you have to come and you told her numerous times you will not be going because you are unwell and yet she still carried on trying to browbeat you into going. She could have cancelled when you first said no and explained that you are unwell but she did not. This shower is not about you and new baby its about her showing off what a lovely MIL she is to throw you this shower. Secondly how you have not lost your temper with your husband I don't know! he sounds like a wimpy mummy's boy to scared to stand up to her and actually getting a shovel out in case of snow! is MIL really cared do you think she would carry on demanding you go with bad weather with potential to have car accident and you are pregnant and unwell. You need to put your foot down now with her or she will be much worse as time goes on. I would also tell your husband that whilst your respect her as his mum he also needs to think about you and baby and really its not unreasonable to not go if she's worried about being embarrassed tough luck she should have cancelled the moment you said no. I guarantee you she will get worse, what about when you go into labour is she gonna barge into labour ward and demand cuddles? and when you're home with baby I bet she will be round everyday demanding to see her gc. Don't cave into this emotional blackmail stay firm and rest up smile

GiantStuffedDragons Sat 17-Mar-18 00:35:51

Thank you, interesting mixed responses so far.

We can't have the party in our house because MIL will have invited loads of people and they probably won't all fit in. Though I don't think MIL would go for that idea anyway as they only come to our house once a year and she made a big deal of how once the baby is here they will have to come to see us.

Ariesgirl1988 Sat 17-Mar-18 00:45:53

@GiantStuffedDragons

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh but I feel angry on your behalf people like your MIL are are toxic and mostly bullies. My sister has the ILS from hell and I've had to bite my tongue many times over the years and not say nothing when they have upset her or taken advantage of her I'm the confrontational sister she is the softer hearted and sensitive one. My friends have also experienced nightmare MIL because they will not allow them to run the show. One of my friends MIL constantly interfered when she had her baby telling she was holding her wrong and encouraging her to stop breastfeeding saying formula was better so then she could feed baby hmm and really its mums choice if they want to bottle or breastfeed.

Thistlebelle Sat 17-Mar-18 00:51:52

No one will hate you.

Every single other person will understand that you aren’t well enough to travel. They can have the get together without you and give presents to your DH and you can write lovely thank you letters.

user1485778793 Sat 17-Mar-18 00:52:01

Wow. She throws a tantrum and fil and dh respond accordingly.... what a pair of plonkers!

Give in and your opening up the flood gates.

Just go broken record on them. 'Sorry, as I explained before I'm in too much pain/sick to travel that far. Dh will come if the weather's ok, have a great time blah blah'

SmashedMug Sat 17-Mar-18 00:52:40

Your MIL won't want to move the party anyway because it'll be harder for her to make it all about her if it's not at her house. I'd stand your ground and not go. It's not great for the guests but that's for MIL to deal with and feel guilt about not you! You didn't invite them.

LadyLoveYourWhat Sat 17-Mar-18 00:54:14

Why are people saying you should grit your teeth and go? You have consistently said that you will not be able to travel. If she was truly trying to build bridges with you she would have noticed how hard it was to travel up for Mothers' Day and cancelled the plans without even mentioning them to you, rather than pressurising you to put yourself through all this discomfort. Your husband needs to be supporting you!

IThinkThatsWeird Sat 17-Mar-18 00:58:13

Firstly I think you should stop answering the phone when she calls. Get a phone with caller display if need be. It’s your husbands mother so let him deal with her.

I wouldn’t go because you clearly aren’t fit to go. I can’t see anyway how not going could be seen as unreasonable.

LadyLoveYourWhat Sat 17-Mar-18 01:01:48

Oh, and LeighJ, it's not the OP's fault if the guests are disappointed or inconvenienced, this is all down to the MIL, so she's the one that needs to "grit her teeth" and make apologies. I really don't understand why you think Dragons has to be the one to suffer because of the mess that MIL has made.

Topseyt Sat 17-Mar-18 01:10:02

I would not go to that. You aren't well enough and the weather is forecast to deteriorate. I am not a fan of parties anyway, least of all surprise ones, which your MIL tried to make this.

She was far too presumptuous in organising something like that. It gave no consideration to you, and was all about how she would look.

When you get up tomorrow tell DH how rough you are feeling. Then go back to bed and refuse to get out. He needs to have your back more and stop his mother from trying to dictate.

TheMythicalChicken Sat 17-Mar-18 01:16:24

It sounds like she means well. I do feel sorry for her, to be honest. It is going to be quite humiliating for her to call everyone and cancel, particularly as they have bought gifts.

I would probably put a brave face on and go, if it was me.

TheMythicalChicken Sat 17-Mar-18 01:17:16

I also think your DH should offer to call all the people to cancel, if you don't go.

breathedeepy Sat 17-Mar-18 01:25:41

I think she's a well meaning but crap in practice type of MIL

From her viewpoint - she's put in a lot of effort trying to do something lovely and now you're telling her you may not even show up

Is there a way you could get to the party more comfortably? I think compromise might be the key here... maybe they could pay for a taxi to get you there/back? Maybe she could organise a room for you to have a lie down in if you are in too much pain during it that you can retreat to after graciously thanking people for their gifts and time?

I wouldn't burn all your bridges if there's any way of a compromise. If it's simply impossible then there's nothing you can do but I would personally be looking at how I could and trying to show gratitude despite how much I might inwardly want to curse her

tillytrotter1 Sat 17-Mar-18 01:29:15

Email a few of the people going to explain why you're not going, your version needs to be out there to contradict her's in which she will no doubt portray you in a bad light.

LineyOh Sat 17-Mar-18 01:29:44

Most if not all of the guests will be glad if it's cancelled.

user1485778793 Sat 17-Mar-18 01:30:46

Oh please. Her Mil knew she was ill and in pain and continued to push. A genuinely caring person wouldn't do that, they'd accept It, wish them a speedy recovery and postpone.

But were dealing with an over grown child throwing a strip.

Op, by all means go, but if you are too ill the decent people at this party will understand.

Minta85 Sat 17-Mar-18 01:31:27

OP you don’t sound well enough to travel, especially in potentially bad weather. You’ve politely explained the situation to your parents-in-law, and that should be sufficient. Rest up tomorrow and don’t answer any calls or texts. They’re your husband’s parents, he can be the one to deal with them.

user1485778793 Sat 17-Mar-18 01:33:25

Strop*** hope she doesn't throw a strip....ewww

sockunicorn Sat 17-Mar-18 01:36:05

@GiantStuffedDragons if ANYONE informed me what they "expected" me to do and hung up on me they would receive a text asking them who the fuck they thought they were speaking to and I would dig my heels in and not go to prove a point. Yes they meant well but you do not speak to another person like that.

SavvyBlancBlonde Sat 17-Mar-18 01:44:54

OP - this isn’t about her trying to make the relationship better or building bridges. Her call and FIL’s phone call make that clear. This isn’t about control and appearances. It isn’t about you. I’m not even sure if it’s about your child. It’s how they are perceived as the doting grandparents. The behaviour over the will, running roughshod over your choices, your wishes and your health illustrated this. If you go to this party, you’ll be in pain, you’ll be grimacing through the entire thing and wishing you could be at home. Don’t go. Otherwise you will feel like you are losing control which will get worse once your baby is here.

And don’t tell MIL when your in labour. I’m projecting but a similar personality I know of camped out in the labour ward, demanding to be let in to cut “her baby’s” umbilical cord...

MrsCrabbyTree Sat 17-Mar-18 01:46:00

Time for a doctor's visit for you. A visit where he forbids you from travelling till after the birth.

FFS why would a sane and reasonable person apply such pressure to a woman who is about to stop work because of pregnancy issues. The mind boggles.

GrockleBocs Sat 17-Mar-18 01:46:46

I sailed thorough my first pregnancy but even then I knew people who had a hideous 3 trimesters of pregnancy. Baby showers weren't a thing when your MIL was young and she's carried on with it in the face of you saying you can't do it.
Is there anyone DH can contact for a surprise FaceTime to say you'd have loved to join them but doctor's advice said you couldn't and DH wants to be home with his family so thank you all for being do understanding: )

SavvyBlancBlonde Sat 17-Mar-18 01:49:25

*This is about control and appearances. It isn’t about you

SIlly typos.

If your husband is still talking about going to the detriment of your health even when you are probably going on maternity leave early, then he needs a long look in the mirror and needs to read up on FOG.

spunkymom22 Sat 17-Mar-18 02:00:35

Maybe you will have an early delivery, as I did. Baby came the afternoon of the shower my MIL was giving!! They opened the gifts and some champagne, and had a really good party without me. Best baby shower ever!!! Good luck, and stand by your word. H can go if he is worried about his mum.

TheMythicalChicken Sat 17-Mar-18 02:14:05

I have a solution!!!

Why don't you delay the party until AFTER the baby is born? Say, about 2 weeks after? That way MIL gets her party and saves face, you get to travel to the baby shower not in pain and the guests get the pleasure of seeing their presents unwrapped in person.

Plumsofwrath Sat 17-Mar-18 02:29:16

I was just about to say the same: offer to take the baby down. 2 weeks is a bit harsh, maybe more like 6-8 depending on how you feel. The point is, these friends and relatives are kind for taking an interest in your baby and buying gifts, even if it’s for your MIL’s grandchild (rather than your child, IYSWIM). But you do this on your terms, not hers. Promise you will go so that all these people haven’t wasted their time, offer her two or three dates that work equally well for you, and go. But do NOT go down next weekend - she’s being selfish and ridiculous.

As for your DH: he needs a reminder that his wife and baby come first, not his DM. She’s not sick or unwell or struggling or in need of help from him. She’s having a strop over a party (which is nothing to do with him, incidentally. It’s all about her becoming a DGM).

Faroutbrussel Sat 17-Mar-18 02:29:57

I like mythical chickens idea of having the party once the baby is born and that way everyone can meet the baby. Don't go, suggest this alternative and be firm.

Also you were there on Sunday and she didn't mention the party so it sounds like she only started to organise it on Wednesday and you have said straight away you won't be going, she should have checked with you guys first that you could come before inviting anyone else. None of the other guests are really going to mind.

FoxyFoxFifty Sat 17-Mar-18 02:33:00

Absolutely not unreasonable, do not let these idiots boss you around, please stay home and look after yourself!

YimminiYoudar Sat 17-Mar-18 02:45:33

No, don't go.
The invitees will be a mixture of
(1) people who know and love you and would not want you to travel in pain while heavily pg if they understood.
(2) people who don't know you that well but who are attending as a favour to your MiL.

Both categories will be glad if the event is cancelled. The first will be glad because they have your best interests at heart and the second group will be glad because they didn't much want to come anyhow.

Skittlesandbeer Sat 17-Mar-18 03:04:03

Your GP said it’s not advisable to travel, given your pain & nausea. Potentially dangerous for baby.

That’s what you tell her, FIL & DH.

That’s what they tell the guests, as they cancel the do.

End of.

Trust me, with this MIL, you’ll be using it a lot in years to come. Even when you have a strapping lad or lass!

ErniesGhostlyGoldtops Sat 17-Mar-18 03:19:15

Christ alive! She sounds awful OP, Buckle over this and you will always have problems, especially as she has treated you badly in the past. She's wheeling you out as an exhibit.

WheresTheHooferDoofer Sat 17-Mar-18 03:29:23

OP, absolutely don't go.

Stay in bed and rest. If your DH wants to go in your place, he's welcome.

Your DH needs to realise that you come first here. Why should you have to travel when you told MIL several times you weren't up for travelling.

If your MIL feels embarrassed that she has to cancel, that's her problem. A decent person would have listened to you the first time you said you didn't feel fit for travel. The answer is NOT to travel with loads of comfort breaks.

Flomy Sat 17-Mar-18 03:30:29

You have said you are not going

She is saying you are

FIL.is saying you are

DH is saying you should try

No No No

GinIsIn Sat 17-Mar-18 03:31:03

I think the fact the party is “for you” is a red herring - the key thing here is the level of passive aggressive control in the summons to said party, and I think you need to make a stand now to both your PILs, so they know that they can’t always get your way, and to your DH so he gets that what you want trumps what MIL wants.

Chocywockydodahhhhhh Sat 17-Mar-18 03:39:22

You have a DH problem. Anyone who puts their parents wishes above that of their wife when she is heavily pregnant and struggling needs a kick up the arse. This issue is entirely of your MIL making and when you don’t comply for very good reasons she stomps her foot like a toddler having a tantrum. Your FIL and DH don’t want to upset the tantruming toddler so give in to her so next time there is an issue like this which there will be, as she will get worse when the baby is born your MIL knows that’s throwing a tantrum will get what she wants.

I would send an email to your DH and inlaws and say you are very upset and destressed that they are putting so much pressure on you this close to the birth which will in turn stress out the baby. I would also ask why are they happy for you someone they are supposed to love and care about being in immense pain in order
to please others. You though you could reply on them when it came to the pregnancy and birth to have your back and it’s devastating you that they are not. I would add that why are they willing to put you and your unborn child at risk by traveling in bad weather when all the weather warnings are telling people to stay put.
Finish by saying if the stress of all this sends you into early labour and something goes wrong you will hold them responsible.

Chocywockydodahhhhhh Sat 17-Mar-18 03:41:56

Oh and the couple of people saying you should try to go- are you on glue? You would really expect a pregnant women to put themselves through immense pain and stress to attend a party!!!! Not to mention travel in potentially bad weather conditions.

ExcuseTheCheese Sat 17-Mar-18 03:50:57

Don't go, the risk of snow is bad enough alone. Imagine if you went into labour when there's heavy snow and you're away from home? People do it but they're not ideal circumstances. 6 weeks before my due date I stopped travelling, I had an awful pregnancy and missed a big amily party for my ILs. I don't regret it although it would have been lovely to be there. I don't think my ILs were happy but I needed to do what was best for me and the baby (who your MIL is not considering much right now). Me and my ILs still get on, the family WhatsApp group helps that so they all get regular updates and pictures.

If she didn't want to look stupid she could have tried to move it closer, perhaps to a nice hotel or hire a floor of a restaurant if she has the money to look down on other people's financial statuses. Judging by FIL demanding she reconsider, this party is about her, not you - it's about her grandchild and she sees you and your baby as her possessions she can show off to everyone for one last time before she feels pushed out even more, whether she likes you or not. She could have avoided it by not planning a surprise baby shower for someone having a difficult time and not being so selfish so it's her own fault.

To the PPs saying OP should take her baby for a party after, why should she? Compromise is for when there's no other fair option for either party. In this case, her MIL could phone people to tell them she's not feeling well pregnancy is unpredictable. Plus, if she's breastfeeding, those initial 2 months are so important with cluster feeding, I doubt her MIL will respect that.

Weebo Sat 17-Mar-18 04:05:23

This isn't your fault. Not one problem here has been caused by you.

It's a bit late in the game to be throwing a surprise baby shower for someone who lives so far away.

If she wanted this to be about you she would have involved your husband in the planning and had people travel to where you are, right?

If I went to a baby shower where it turned out the heavily pregnant mum-to-be was made to travel all that way, clearly in pain and unwell I would be embarrassed to be a guest, to be honest.

Is your husband not furious at them for hanging up on you like that? DH would be spitting nails.

He needs to get a list of the guests, ring them up and explain from both your point of views why you won't be attending.

Think of it this way GiantStuffedDragons, If you got that phone call what would your reaction be? Mine would be to tell the couple to stay snuggled up at home, wish them luck and ask for their address so I could post the gift.

Don't hop about asking for things to be rescheduled either. If you want to have a party and invite people after the baby is born, arrange it yourself.

I wouldn't have traveled 3 hours to stay in someone else's house 2 weeks after giving birth either of my children for a million quid.

RebootYourEngine Sat 17-Mar-18 04:05:53

There is no way i would be going to this party.

Stand your ground.

AnnieAnoniMouse Sat 17-Mar-18 04:09:06

Do not go.

Apart from any of the other 50 billion reasons you shouldn’t go, you need to consider your health and your baby’s health. You were crying with the pain last weekend, why that actual hell would you put yourself through that again.

Just say NO, I AM NOT GOING. Your DH cannot make you go.

As for your MILl & FIL

- they’re unreasonable
- they’re unpleasant
- they’re rude
- they’re obnoxious

She said that I am not the only person to ever be pregnant and I should think about and she will call DH on Friday for our decision

This really winds me up. Nope, you’re not the only person to have ever been pregnant. Feeling fucking awful happens to many of us when pregnant and many women are too ill to travel. Pregnancy isn’t an illness, but it can make you ill.

She will call DH for a decision. Get To Fuck. She had your decision, DH doesn’t get to over rude what you choose to do. When he is pregnant, he gets to choose.

As for DH, he needs to get onside PDQ, it’s YOU he lives with, it’s YOU carrying his baby, it’s YOU he’s going to be bringing this child up,with not his parents...but he might be living with them again if he doesn’t getbthat through his head pretty damn fast. Idiot.

Lastly, you were there last weekend, they knew you were going, last Saturday was the day for a bloody baby shower if they wanted to hold one (despite your wishes).

Do not go, if you do, you are giving them permission to treat you like someone who will do as they’re told, as long as they stomp enough, FIL tells you what to do and H enforces it. Put a stop to it now!

feesh Sat 17-Mar-18 04:12:23

Don’t go, and don’t reschedule for when the baby comes. If you’re in the early stages of breastfeeding you really won’t want to have to go to a daytime party (or an evening one for that matter).

Weebo Sat 17-Mar-18 04:28:44

Exactly, Feesh.

Even when bottle feeding, OP has no idea how she will be feeling 2 weeks in.

A new mother shouldn't be obligating herself to save face for anyone, let alone her MIL who should be doing the best she can to make things easier for her DIL, son, and grandbaby.

Weebo Sat 17-Mar-18 04:35:56

Oh, and Annie I couldn't agree more with your post.

Start as you mean to go on Dragons.

Did she bother to involve any of your family and friends by the way?

Chamonix1 Sat 17-Mar-18 04:36:42

If they'd handled this differently rather than hanging up on you and talking to you like a child I'd say make the extra effort on this occasion and try and go.
A simple "oh I'm really sorry you're struggling dil, I obviously didn't want to tell you but I've actually arranged a baby shower for you, are you sure you really can't make it?" And acceptance of any answer you gave would've been the right way for them to handle this.
I'd not go, to be honest they don't sound like very nice people hanging up and telling them what the expect of you, do they realise you're an actual adult?!

KnittedBlanketHoles Sat 17-Mar-18 04:46:20

Set the tone.

If you go, she's going to push you around, with those two as her hencemen, forever.

LoveProsecco Sat 17-Mar-18 05:02:52

What Chamonix said

Congratulations & try to keep calm & rest. I had a fairly easy pregnancy but I was so uncomfortable by late pregnancy I couldn't even attend the cinema much less a long drive! I was too uncomfortable & constantly needed the loo.

PIL sound horrid. Set the tone now

IggyAce Sat 17-Mar-18 05:09:01

Do not go, stay home rest and relax it's what you and the baby need.

ShackUp Sat 17-Mar-18 05:13:14

Read Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward, OP.

Your DH needs to improve his boundaries, for your baby's sake.

You both need to practise saying 'that won't work for us', especially when your baby arrives.

SilverBirchTree Sat 17-Mar-18 05:14:52

Firstly, don’t worry about disappointing the guests if this thing is cancelled:

Almost. Everyone. Hates. Baby showers.

I would be THRILLED if a shower I was planning to attend was cancelled.

Also everyone understands that a heavily pregnant woman sometimes isn’t well enough or able to get somewhere.

I promise no one but MiL would actually be so unreasonable and dogged about a baby shower as to get annoyed at the pregnant woman for cancelling.

Do not go. You’ve said no, if you give in then MIL will learn that you don’t mean it when you say ‘no’ and you will spend the next 18 years dealing with the results.

Send DH- it’s his baby!!! He can play the stupid games, collect the gifts etc.

Bunch of sexist twaddle anyway.

& Congrats! flowers

SilverBirchTree Sat 17-Mar-18 05:19:59

Also - you’re just about full term! Fuck being hours of icy road away from your hospital.

Absolutely fucking not.

farangatang Sat 17-Mar-18 05:20:32

Dont go and send DH - as PPs have said, it's his baby too.

And definitely text or email (if you've not got the courage to say it in person/on the phone) how upset this is making you - thought chocky's suggestion was great!

allthegoodusernameshavegone Sat 17-Mar-18 05:23:22

Don’t go, she’ll get over it. You are the mother of her grandchild she will forgive you. Take care of you

Gennz18 Sat 17-Mar-18 05:42:54

Who cares if people have bought presents? If I was invited to a baby shower & the event was cancelled or postponed because the expectant mother wasn't up to it I wouldn't care at all. In fact in my experience this isn't unusual. What kind of sadists force heavily pregnant women to socialise?

Tell your MIL you're really suffering, sorry you won't make it (no room for equivocation ) but if she likes she can re-schedule for [date of your choosing] so people can meet the baby.

Italiangreyhound Sat 17-Mar-18 05:48:32

In your shoes I would:

Call MIL and say very clearly that I will not be attending.

I'd say I appreciate the thought but I am fit and well to travel.

She has a choice:

Explain to guests and cancel or rather postpone for months until baby is here and weather is nice
or
Explain to guests and go ahead

Guests can choose to send you gifts by post or courier, or wait until they see you or not send presents.

You need to explain to your dh that you and he are a family unit now, with a baby on the way. He is not tied to the apron strings.

It is a shame your MIL planned a party for you without checking you could attend. Such a bad idea. A friend once did this for me, I had no idea, I thought me and her were just going out to dinner. I blew her off or a new boyfriend! Very naughty (never done since!) but she should have told me the plans!

Your MIL is being kind, but it comes at a price, and you can't pay that price. You don't feel well to travel and you don't feel it is safe for your dh to travel.

If there is no snow, I would let him go, for the day, take a scan photo of baby and maybe Skype call with you while there.

In my call to MIL I would explain that our relationship as a family, you and your dh and baby, to her and DFIL will be much smoother and better if she will take you seriously and listen to what you say. You appreciate her interest and care but forcing a pregnant, sick, woman out in possibly treacherous weather conditions is not on.

Italiangreyhound Sat 17-Mar-18 05:49:49

but I am not fit and well to travel.

captainjackandjill Sat 17-Mar-18 05:51:25

So many posts I agree with on here! Well said. All I can do is echo...

Do not do it Dragons. You are in no way obligated, this was her plan and she did not involve you/have your consent in any way. This is all about her and you owe her absolutely nothing.

You are having a rough go and the best thing for you is to remain home in comfort. Consider the shape you would be in on the way home from this party! Not healthy for you or the baby. Anyone who cares about you and the baby will completely agree (looking at you, DH).

Lastly, speaking from experience, if you cave now, it will be their way always. You will not be considered for any decision. Go calm and rock hard, and repeat 'No sorry, that doesn't work for us.' (a great line for now and future use, repeat as often as necessary and keep the tone flat and calm).

Best of luck OP. Get lots of rest and relaxation and take care of you!flowers

AJPTaylor Sat 17-Mar-18 05:58:55

well MIL will just have to tell guests you are not up to travelling.

DevilsDoorbell Sat 17-Mar-18 06:04:32

No way working lad I go. Agree with others. This party is for her, not you. You need to speak to your dh and find out why he is so willing to put you through that pain again, let him know exactly how you felt the last time you were there.

With any luck there’ll be too much snow for you to travel anyway.

Justanothernameonthepage Sat 17-Mar-18 06:06:56

Nope nope nope.
If your MIL was doing this to be nice, she wouldn't be demanding you travel when heavily pregnant in bad weather conditions - and especially not when struggling.
I'd be furious if my DH was willing to put me through actual pain just to keep my MIl happy.

But as a compromise, Id ask if she wanted to change the venue to one near you (obviously not going to really happen at this short notice) or facetime so you can apologise to guests in person. And say that it was a lovely thought, but hopefully the guests will be understanding that you're not having an easy pregnancy and you know none of them would want you in tears because of the pain or worse but hopefully they'll forgive you and enjoy seeing the baby in a couple of months.

Theducksarenotmyfriends Sat 17-Mar-18 06:15:07

She's being a dick, as is your dh. If my mil tried to pull that shit my dp wouldn't have hesitated to tell her to back off.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 17-Mar-18 06:16:34

Don’t go and don’t commit to a postponed date. My midwife would have happily ‘banned’ travel in these circumstances.

Did she even check you were available for that date?

Dipitydoda Sat 17-Mar-18 06:23:17

This party is 100% about her. Enjoy your weekend. Btw if you’re struggling with work and it’s less than a month to due date go off sick I’m pretty sure your mat leave starts automatically

Awrite Sat 17-Mar-18 06:28:14

Don't go.

I'm angrier at the way the fil spoke to you.

People hate baby showers - you will be doing the guests a favour.

Dh needs to stick up for you. Insist.

ellesbellesxxx Sat 17-Mar-18 06:31:21

This really upset me on your behalf. You definitely shouldn't have to go.. at such short notice too, what if you had had plans?
My husband's grandma's funeral was when I was 34 weeks with twins.. so I was huge and car travel was a nightmare. I was also in and out of triage with reduced movement. I was worried about how I was going to manage.. but my in laws actually said they presumed it was too risky/too much for me to go.. i was obviously sad not to.. for Grandma and because I had wanted to support my husband but as it was, I didn't feel twin one move so ended up in triage.
Please stand your ground, you should be resting up at this stage xxx

Horsemad Sat 17-Mar-18 06:32:02

I loathe baby showers with a passion - yet another Americanism we have adopted... hmm

I'd refuse to go even if I wasn't ill and almost full term!

HettySunshine Sat 17-Mar-18 06:35:26

Say you've been having twinges overnight and your midwife has advised you to stay close to your hospital. You are the priority at the moment, not your mil.

EssentialHummus Sat 17-Mar-18 06:35:27

“Sorry mil, with the sn

ToastyFingers Sat 17-Mar-18 06:36:57

This isn't a party for you.

If it was, it would be full of your friends and family, not distant in-laws you've only met a handful of times and it would be at a destination convenient for you.

This is a party for MIL, so she can show off and play lady bountiful. I wouldn't go, even if you could handle the car journey, as if you cave now it'll set a precedent and she'll pull this shit for your DC birthday and all sorts.

EssentialHummus Sat 17-Mar-18 06:37:06

... snow and ice it isn’t safe for us orany guest to drve. Safety first.”

Ginge12 Sat 17-Mar-18 06:39:13

I think because your relationship isn't great your seeing the controlling side of this rather than her trying to do something nice for you. Yes the party may be for her too but she's going to become a grandparent (who doesn't live around the corner) so she has every right to want to throw it. I think your husband is being reasonable looking for comfort breaks on the way for you. Take a hot water bottle with you and at least give it a go.

newdaylight Sat 17-Mar-18 06:40:09

You need to relax and be comfortable and you are the priority more than mil or the guests she has invited. DH can go if he wants then at least it still works as a baby shower.

Also going would now set a bad precedent. It sounds like your mil needs boundaries

threatlevelmidnight Sat 17-Mar-18 06:44:43

She absolutely does not have 'every right' to throw a baby shower without even asking the pregnant woman involved!

It's not kind, thoughtful or generous - it's about her getting her own way, which is clearly a pattern of behaviour from the OP. My mum is like this - does something you don't or wouldn't want without asking and is then offended when you don't do things her way. It's all about her.

The answer I'm afraid is to as politely and clearly as possible put your foot down. Absolutely do not go - no one who cared about your wellbeing would ask a heavily pregnant woman in pain to travel in poor weather conditions. How ridiculous.

bimbobaggins Sat 17-Mar-18 06:47:01

Ha ha silverbitch , you are so right! People will be glad it’s cancelled

DartmoorDoughnut Sat 17-Mar-18 06:48:13

Fuck that for a game of soldiers! Your ILs are not your bosses and they can stop trying to control you right now! Cheeky fuckers.

Rockandrollwithit Sat 17-Mar-18 06:49:35

I am 😡 for you that she said you aren't the first person in the world to be pregnant. I had HG during my second pregnancy and could not have made that journey. I had a 45 min drive to work and would vomit repeatedly all the way there, no way I would be travelling when I didn't need to.

Could your DH emphasise how sick you are and suggest that she throws a party for all three of you when baby is here?

Herewegoagainagain Sat 17-Mar-18 06:53:55

She has a right to want to throw it but no right to just demand that the OP shows up with very little notice, the weekend after a very painful journey and when bad weather is expected!

She can, by all means, invite and consult the OP but she is putting what seems to be her selfish desire to show off/play the bountiful grandmother to be ahead of the OP's safety and comfort. Why didn't she arrange with OP's DH in advance to do it last weekend if she wanted the element of surprise?

OP, do not go. You'll just be teaching her that tantrums = getting her own way.

Herewegoagainagain Sat 17-Mar-18 06:56:22

Also, as someone who is 37 weeks pregnant with bad hip pain I am hmm at the suggestion that a hot water bottle will somehow make this journey okay angry

deptfordgirl Sat 17-Mar-18 06:56:26

She sounds very hard work but I would go as you risk damaging your relationship further. Your dh sounds lovely planning all the comfort breaks. I also get bad travel sickness which is worse in pregnancy (am 39 weeks and had to travel for 2 hours last week) so can totally sympathise.

shushpenfold Sat 17-Mar-18 06:56:27

The more I think about this, the more I realise that this is all about your MIL and very little to do with you. FIL ringing to push the agenda is truly terrible....they’re all (inc DH) dancing to her tune and you’re being expected to dance along with them. Stand up to it now; send an email to them and explain that
•you’re not coming (as already said on several occasions)
•you’re in much pain and travelling is appallingly difficult (as also already explained)
• just because they’ve organised something (which you knew nothing about) several hours journey away, it doesn’t miraculously make your pain disappear.
•therefore you won’t be attending (as already discussed)
• this is final.

Keep it factual, stay strong and enjoy the snow (outside!)

crikeycrumbsblimey Sat 17-Mar-18 06:57:06

I had sympathy for the MIL up to “make her look stupid” and “means a lot to her”. She is throwing a granny shower! Doesn’t need you there for that does she.

Point out to your OH how much you would resent him and feel let down if he put his mothers wishes for a party (which you don’t need to attend) over your comfort and wellbeing. Nobody travels that far, that pregnant without good reason.

SilverBirchTree Sat 17-Mar-18 07:01:21

@deptfordgirl her husband sounds lovely?! Really? Subjecting his heavily pregnant wife to a painful journey against her will because his mother’s ego demanded it? I don’t care how many ‘comfort’ breaks he packs in, he’s failing his DW here. My husband would never even suggest such a thing, would yours?

Herewegoagainagain Sat 17-Mar-18 07:01:46

deptfordgirl I don't think it's the OP who risks damaging the relationship further confused

Also, her DH does not sound lovely planning comfort breaks on an unwanted journey he is prepared to force her to go on to placate his mother who wants to show off

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »