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To not want to hang out with friend's OW?

(188 Posts)
SachaStark Fri 16-Mar-18 20:02:39

Husband and I are very close friends with another couple. The men know each other from school, we met through them and subsequently became very close friends. He was our best man, she was our maid of honour, that sort of thing.

Last summer, they told us that they were separating for a while as he was having doubts about their marriage. They said they were going to attend counselling and try to make it work again in the new year.

A few weeks ago, we went out for my husband's birthday, and the husband, Rick, came down for it (they live 300 miles away, he still lives with Sally) to our home town. When we arrived in the pub, Rick announced that he'd brought a date, Tara, whom he's been seeing when he comes back to our home town. He informs DH and I that Sally doesn't know about her yet.

Well, fucking hell, Sally is 300 miles away assuming you will be getting back together at some point!

I was upset on the night out, as I felt I'd been blindsided a bit by this, and I hated the thought of hanging out, playing nice to the OW whilst my good friend has absolutely no idea this is happening. Husband just shrugged it off, his decision to make and all that.

Tomorrow, my BIL is having an early evening birthday party, and then we are all going into town to celebrate Paddy's day. Rick is coming down for this. He and DH will also be watching the rugby at our place in the afternoon tomorrow. He has messaged this evening to ask if he can bring Tara, the OW, with him to our place to watch the rugby. DH is fine with this, and I won't say she can't come over, as it's his house too, his old friend, and it should be perfectly fine to have his friend's girlfriend over.

However, I intend to be out at the time, as I still can't stand the thought of sitting, the four of us, in my living room, playing couples hanging out like everything is completely fine. I feel like that wouldn't be good behaviour towards my friend. I'm also considering bailing on the evening out.

AIBU to react like this, and avoid spending time with the OW?

crunchtime Fri 16-Mar-18 20:04:34

you are NOT unreasonable. God your friend would be devastated!

I would no tbh-he doesn't get to bring his ow along while he's stringing his wife along

Quantumblue Fri 16-Mar-18 20:05:16

Yanbu. I would tell him that you don't see it as a couples friendship going forward and he is free to hang out with your DH.

crunchtime Fri 16-Mar-18 20:05:33

Really-i am stunned that he and your husband think this is ok. It is absolutyely NOT ok-have you pointed out to your husband how disloyal to your friend this is?

restingbemusedface Fri 16-Mar-18 20:06:19

I would be tempted to tell Sally, if she finds out that you had been hanging out with them she will be devestated.

Bloomed Fri 16-Mar-18 20:07:30

I'd tell Sally too!

IncyWincyGrownUp Fri 16-Mar-18 20:07:39

I’d tell his wife, she has a right to know her husband is living two lives.

What an asshole.

Mouthfulofquiz Fri 16-Mar-18 20:07:49

It is so unreasonable. I would actually be very cross about this and both of them wouldn’t be coming into my house at all. If it was a legitimate relationship then I would put up with it, but it isn’t by the sounds of it.
Why should you go out?

ThePinkOcelot Fri 16-Mar-18 20:08:07

I think he either tells his wife or you do. I couldn’t go along with this. She will feel so betrayed.

greendale17 Fri 16-Mar-18 20:08:08

*I would be tempted to tell Sally, if she finds out that you had been hanging out with them she will be devastated*

^Yes OP please tell her before she finds out from someone else.

SachaStark Fri 16-Mar-18 20:08:19

Husband is so laid back he's nearly horizontal (actual quote from my dad's wedding speech) so naturally, he thinks I'm overreacting and being rude to Tara.

SweetMoon Fri 16-Mar-18 20:08:23

What?? This is not fine. I think you need to tell your friend so that she can decide whether to continue trying to save her marriage or kick the arsehole out. Talk about having his cake and eating it.

Bananamanfan Fri 16-Mar-18 20:09:25

I think I would want to know if I was your friend; she will be devastated when she finds out and even more so if you've been 'double dating' and keeping quiet. It's not your friend's decision whether you tell his wife or not. What a dick!

Bodicea Fri 16-Mar-18 20:10:26

I think you are being too nice about it. It’s your home. I would say you are not happy about socialising with her while he is still married to Sally and she is not welcome in your home.
Why should you have to go out?

KittenBeast Fri 16-Mar-18 20:11:09

Please OP, tell your friend.

SachaStark Fri 16-Mar-18 20:11:57

I had considered telling Sally the first time, but gave Rick the benefit of the doubt, hoping that since he was going "public" with his new relationship, and said he hadn't told Sally "yet", that meant he would break the news to her soon.

Thankfully, the last time we were out it was a big group, but I agree with a previous poster, just the four of us in the house sounds a bit too much like a double date to my mind.

NotAllTimsWearCapes Fri 16-Mar-18 20:11:58

shock Well you can allow it but you certainly can’t call yourself sally’s Friend if you do.

OutyMcOutface Fri 16-Mar-18 20:12:14

YANBU. I know that strictly speaking Tara and Rock aren’t doing anything wrong but it’s not exactly kosher either. Given that Rock has essentially asked you to keep his secret he probably knows that it’s not fair on sally to do this.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom Fri 16-Mar-18 20:12:28

If I'm being really honest I'd be extremely bothered if DH had this attitude, doesn't say much for your husband does it?

LanguidLobster Fri 16-Mar-18 20:14:01

Actually you might be saving her a lot of pain in the long run if you tell her now

HiggeldyPigsinblankets Fri 16-Mar-18 20:15:01

you are being dragged into deceiving his wife, that is not acceptable, nor is it fair to expect you to do that to a friend.

Maybe ask your husband how he would feel if Sally came down with a man in tow and asked him not to mention it to Rick?

GreatThingsWork Fri 16-Mar-18 20:15:29

If you don't get him to tell her or tell her yourself you will loose her as a friend.

LoveInTokyo Fri 16-Mar-18 20:15:43


He has put you in a really difficult position by introducing you to his new woman without any warning and without coming clean to his wife first. It’s not your job to tell her that he is seeing someone else, but now you know, she will probably be very upset with you if she finds out that you knew and didn’t tell her.

I think I would tell him that you don’t appreciate being put in this position and that you intend to tell Sally about what happened, so if he wants her to hear it from him first, he’d better do it quickly.

19lottie82 Fri 16-Mar-18 20:15:55

Do you speak to Sally often? Not that it makes a difference, I’m just curious.

gamerchick Fri 16-Mar-18 20:17:19

Tell him that you’re going to tell his wife if he doesn’t. Make a stand, she’s your friend.

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