Caught husband watching porn

[cnrm]

Hi, I’m new to mumsnet and this is my first post. As the title says I caught my husband watching porn, I will expand a little...

I Have two children to a previous relationship, my husband loves my children and is very good to them. We’ve had our fair share of problems as all couples do but we have always managed to come through them together. Last year I fell pregnant accidentally but unfortunately lost the baby at 18 weeks. Since then we have had such a massive mix of emotions and have been desperate to conceive again, sadly it isn’t happening easily for us. Every month when I get a negative pregnancy test, he treats me like his enemy, almost like it’s my fault why I’m not pregnant.

At the weekend I again got another negative test, he packed some of his things and left. I was devastated and spoke to him, asking him to come home to work it out.

So he came back home after two days apart and he bought a home kit to test our fertility (all normal) I was out with my children while he took the test. Obviously I know he would have to masterbate which I am 100% ok with - I presumed he fantasised about me using certain pictures and videos he has. I came home and everything was fine. The next day I turned the tv on and the adult Chanel came on, straight away I knew what had happened. I spoke to him and he lied saying “maybe your kids stumbled across it and turned the tv off, I would never watch porn” I knew this was a lie so I kept pressing him to tell me the truth. He then went on to say “I tried all the channels and they wouldn’t work so I used your pictures and videos in the end”

Eventually he told me that because he left the house at the weekend he had in his heart given up on our relationship, he only came back because I was sad. He said that our relationship has come to the state where he will watch porn and that Iv pushed him to this. I think my concern is that, he was masterbating to check his sperm count, so that we can continue to try to have a baby, but I wasn’t his first choice of pleasure, I was literally his 11th choice (10 adult Chanels) it makes me feel sick to my stomach and I feel like Iv been mentally cheated on. Is my body no longer good enough for him, doesn’t he enjoy having sex with me, am I ugly, and more importantly if you want to have a child with me it’s because you love me, so does he now no longer love me? And if I’m being honest, I can’t deal with the fact he lied about it and tried to blame my children (age 10 & 7) it’s an insult to my intelligence.

I want to know if I’m over reacting and being silly, should I easily get over this and let it slide? What can I do? I also feel like he so easily lied, can I trust him now? Iv never ever experienced this in my life.

[Ihatemyclients]

I think the porn is much, much less of an issue than the fact that he has been so unsupportive in your attempts to conceive. I think it's a huge red flag that he acted as though he blamed you and left you. Are you really sure it's a good idea to have a baby with this man?

[OutyMcOutface]

Just end the relationship ffs. He’s being a real cunt. What kind of man treats his wife badly for not conceiving? The porn is a red herring.

[LittleMyLikesSnuffkin]

I get you’re pissed off about the porn especially as it was on the tv and your children could have found it but.... he left you. At a horrible vulnerable time. Because you happened to not be pregnant. Are you sure you want to have a child with someone who can walk out on you when you need them the most?

[isthismummy]

Agree that the porn is a red herring. Your real issue is a DH that is cruel and unsupportive over such a difficult sensitive issue.

Home testing fertility kits are a waste of money btw. You need to go to your GP if you've been trying for a year at under 35 and six months if over.

Although I think you need to put ttc on hold while you have such issues with your husband

[StarShapedWindow]

A man watching porn to become aroused and ejeculate to test his sperm wouldn’t bother me at all. Your relationship sounds horrible, why is he angry with you for not being pregnant? He doesn’t sound like someone you should be trying for a baby with, he sounds so unsupportive.

[troodiedoo]

Agree with pp you are focusing on the wrong issue. The main problem is that he is an unsupportive twat.

[Talith]

Agree with the majority so far. He's just not very nice. Weaselling out of being honest, being emotionally cold and punishing you are reasons to get rid.

[Ivebeenaroundtheblock]

This is not the man you want by your side for the next 50 yrs or more.

[WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue]

The porn here is a red herring; it isn’t the issue. Watching porn is normal.

In our relationship I am the porn watcher, while DH rarely, if ever, uses it. Regularly watching it does not mean I don’t find DH attractive (I love his body), it doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy sex with him either, because I do, and it doesn’t mean I don’t love him, because I absolutely do with all my heart.

You are projecting your marital issues onto the porn, when that isn’t the issue here.

[Calvinlookingforhobbs]

As all the wise posters have said, porn is not the issue your horrible partner is. You’ve already had children with one man and ended up alone. Do you really want to choose that this time?

[AnyFucker]

This is a first for me, but I agree the porn is not the issue

You skipped over the fact thst he punishes you for not conceiving. What kind of man does that ?

[toolonglurking]

Another voice in the 'the porn is not the issue' chorus - why the hell do you want to have a baby with this guy?
Leave, don't look back.

[WhyBeDennyDifferent]

^ what they all said ^

[WhyBeDennyDifferent]

Oops I didn’t mean to go all fancy with italics!

[Idontdowindows]

The porn is not the issue.

He sees you as a broodsow and is pissed off you're not breeding.

He's not with you for you, but for whatever offspring he can breed with you.

[Shoxfordian]

Ffs

Look after the children you have. Why do you need more?

[SweetMoon]

Please do not have a baby with this man.

For all the reasons stated above (and below I expect)

[g1itterati]

Regardless of the porn, he has told you that when he left over the weekend he had given up in the relationship and only came back because you were sad.

He is trying to deflect from the porn issue by making you feel so insecure that you'll take him back on any terms. He is a wanker of the highest order. Also, he sounds demented because the normal reaction to a negative pregnancy test is definitely not to flounce off for a few days.

[Dontwantanicknamethanks]

I'm not sure he's angry because you can't conceive. More that he doesn't want a baby or a relationship with you hence the leaving and getting angry with you but blaming the conception. That is the real red herring not the porn. I'm sorry. 💐

[Kestant]

I'm going further here.

It's not about porn. It's not about you. It's about your existing kids. You have a kid with him and your own kids will take second place. The only way you can guarantee not to enter that at best stalemate scenario is to dump him. Now.

Think of the kids you have.

[LeighaJ]

As others have said the porn is the least of your problems. He treats you like it's your fault you're not pregnant and said he only came back because you're sad.

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

He punishes you for not being able to get pregnant? That's a much, much bigger issue than watching porn. He sounds horrible.

[coconuttella]

The porn really is the least of your issues... Even as someone who’s clearly anti-porn, I’m struggling to see why you’ve elevated this over all the other problems you have with him.

[AnyFucker]

Op has fucked off ?

[Pastaforlunch]

Pretty much all men watch porn. Porn is not the real problem here