To be upset about parent's evening

[Witchesandwizards]

DS is 5 and in reception.
Last night we had parent's evening and I came away feeling very deflated as nothing positive was said about him. He's a lovely little boy - boisterous at home but caring and kind, and quiet at school but also kind and considerate (we have been told by school staff outside this parent's evening). He's also bloody funny and loves to put on an accent to entertain or during role play etc.

Learning - he is behind in writing and fine motor skills. We know this - we have only just been able to pursuade him to pick up a pencil (he would rather play), but he has recently started to and we are encouraging him. He often refuses to do homework and we can't force him, although we are quite forceful. I know that teachers have enormous pressure, and I can't see how he is going to meet 'target' and be able to write a sentence by July, but he is still a baby and I feel guilty about the pressure we have to put on our kids at such a young age - "sorry DS, we can't go to the park, we need to do your homework". I know for a fact from DD's class (now yr 4) that he is pretty normal for a boy of this age and that they are all reading and writing by yr 4.

Socially - he apparently needs to have more friends. He is very close to a girl who is the DD of a family friend and they went to nursery together. The teacher is trying to separate them and encourage them to play with other people. I don't mind being told this but not as a critisism. He is slightly less social than DD 8 (the second child thing where you just don't hang out with as may of his peer's families etc) but he goes to breakfast club and after school club where he has friends in different years and tennis/dance and swimming lessons where he has friends.

Personal care - he is messy - flings his stuff around when he gets changed for PE and is always the last to get ready. Probably our fault - his think is to do a 'striptease' and kick his pjs into far flung corners of the room. We can address this. But he can dress without help and is verging on obsessive cleanliness - never makes a mess in the toilet, always wases his hands and cleans his teeth without being told.

We were told at DDs meeting that she was a pleasure to have in the classroom. As a person. And I'm sure the same can be said for DS as he is very well behaved - his TA also does holiday and afterschool club and can't believe how quiet and good he is in class in comparison - but nothing like this was mentioned.

Anyway, we are going to action what we can, but it would have been good to come away feeling that his teacher actually likes him.

[RickOShay]

He sounds lovely
What does he say about school? I wouldn’t worry too much as long as he’s ok. You will struggle to remember his teacher’s name in a few years. The important thing is your son.

[PrettyLittIeThing]

Sounds like my sons parents evening. She just literally listed off all negative things she could think of about him.

[mikesh909]

Maybe she doesn't? They don't have to like everyone, just teach them and treat them equally surely.

It sounds like the teacher was descriptive rather than judgemental. She's told you what she has observed. You know your son to be funny, kind, considerate etc and have heard this said by others. Why not focus on those rather than the lack of affection from the teacher which you inferred from her comments.

If there is a problem with the teaching and learning, then I think that is different but it doesn't seem there is really. Like you said, he's still so young, and does it really matter to you whether or not he can write a sentence by July? Someone in the clsss has got to be the last to learn these things after all, but they generally all do in the end!

[ForgetMeNotCat]

Ha ha at striptease
Could you say to her that you are going to work on the negatives she brought up at PE at home and would it be ok for you to ask for an update on progress made on the negatives in a couple of months and also for any positives.

[pallisers]

He sounds like a perfectly normal, lovely 5 year old. I feel sad at the idea of a 5 year old being forced to do homework by his teachers. There is absolutely no benefit to it at that age (and for many years to come).

[Hillarious]

Don't under-estimate the importance of play and gross motor skills in helping a young child with their fine motor skills. The Deputy Head at my DCs nursery school was forever encouraging children to be out climbing the trees in the nursery garden or playing with the large toys outside. There is so much more to play than just playing.

As for the parents' evening, some teachers just got and understood my DC, some didn't. Don't let last night's parents' evening get you down.

[Madmarchpear]

My dd started reception last September and I am finding it a strange mix of pride in the progress being made and depressing they have so be on the treadmill so young. He sounds like great fun!

[TheFaerieQueene]

I think it is horrific to label a five year old child like this. School should be fun at his age, not an obstacle course set up to ensure some will fail.

[CruCru]

Out of nosiness, what homework does he get? I can’t see the point of homework for Reception children, unless it is 15 minutes of reading.

You may be tempted to start spending longer on it but please don’t. Set a timer for 5/7/10 minutes (or however long they are meant to take) and then write in his book that this is what he achieved in the time set. Then get the Lego out.

[Trumpetboysmum]

I think he sounds just fine and lovely for a 5 year old boy . I totally agree that we put too much pressure on them too soon and you are totally doing the right thing with fine motor skills and homework- if you turn it into a big deal you will put him off . Ds has always sailed through everything including Reception. And so maybe there was an expectation for his younger sister but she hated Reception and really didn't fulfill her potential or get the best end of year report ( and finished the year struggling with literacy skills even though she started the year doing well for her age ) . This was all about maturity not about her ability and like you said by Year 4 it was all fine . I'm an early years teacher btw

[CarefullyDrawnMap]

I think he sounds lovely too and I hope they don't squash out all his enjoyment for life and characterfulness.

[OracleofDelphi]

Parents evening in primary school is very short in ours 5 minutes. So ive found (DS Yr 5 / DD Yr 4) that sometimes they try to get out all the salient points in that time frame, which might mean, more focus / needs to concentrate on maths / easily distracted / etc etc. This as a result can feel quite negative.

Now I always try to say to them - tell me something they are good at, as then it quite often starts of chain of things like kind / patient / really creative that leaves you coming away not full of doom and gloom.

FWIW DS was a little tinker at nursery / reception and even into year 1. Really struggled to pay attention, sit still, went through a right hitting phases, got all worked up when he didnt get his own way. He goes to a wonderfully inclusive school but it wasnt until the end of Yr2 I had a vaguley encouraging parents evening as he did have behaviour that needed to be discussed and addressed. He has turned inot the most lovely boy now age 10 and his parents evening are glowing. I still sigh a little sigh of relief that I dont go into them anymore feeling like Ive been naughty myself.

So most children mature into their personalities, and come to learn what is needed behaviour wise at school. Just because they feel he has these issues now doesnt mean he will when he is 10

[SweetMoon]

He sounds lovely op. I'm surprised the teacher didn't have any nice things to say, that's pretty out of order actually.

Even if she doesn't like your child you should be blissfully unaware of this. However he sounds like a very likeable little chap so just be reassured that you're doing a good job and he's fine. Perhaps his next teacher won't be so negative

[Tinty]

I am a bit hmmm at the teacher trying to separate him from his little friend, why can't they be friends if they get on well together. There is plenty of time for them to mix and make other friends as they get older. Is it because she is a girl? Would she separate him from his friend if it was a boy?

The rest will come naturally I had homework refusers (well whiners anyway) right up until secondary and one is in Grammar school now.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

He sounds lovely. And you know he is, no matter what his teacher might say.
Yr 5 is a difficult year, they can start off being quite young, it may seem like nothing is changing but suddenly they can do extra things.
In my own experience Schools and Teachers put pressure on in Year 5 because they are thinking about their Year 6 SATs. They have a checklist of things that the child is supposed to conform to. Don't let this get you down. This is more the school's hangup than yours and don't let your lovely individual boy feel bad about it, he will get there in his own time and will get there more quickly if he's happier and more confident. You sound like a lovely mum too.
I've seen children be completely demoralised and their confidence knocked for six by this treatment in year 5/6. If he's not getting enough positive encouragement from the school (in our case, never picked for anything, continually told off although not actually naughty but "dreamy") because he's not meeting the checklist - make it up to him at home. Are there things he likes to do, any afterschool activities he can just enjoy and feel proud of. These are just as important as school for self esteem.
Some children do find it hard to be organised. I had to label coat hangers and coat pegs, and individual laundry baskets etcc.. have a "launch pad" for their daily belongtings, a written coming home routine and getting up routine and so on. Anything to prevent or minimise the continual drip feed of negative criticism at school, implimenting these things step by step and with positive encouragement. Year 5 is a very tough year, my DC said to me once "Stop always talking about school" so we had to fix that. Good luck to you both x

[DrEustaciaBenson]

I am a bit hmmm at the teacher trying to separate him from his little friend, why can't they be friends if they get on well together. There is plenty of time for them to mix and make other friends as they get older.

Perhaps the little girl wants to make other friends now?

[endofthelinefinally]

I think you have to develop a very thick skin as a parent.
I would never condone bad or inappropriate behaviour, but I do feel there is little room for individuals in today's education system.

As long as he is kind and reasonably well behaved, I can't see a problem. 5 is very young. Sometimes teachers do just take a dislike to a child.

There was a teacher at my DC's school who just didn't like boys. Everyone knew this. Why she was teaching in a mixed school I don't know.

[OutwiththeOutCrowd]

I’m sorry you had to go through this. I had a similar experience when my DS was 6. It’s very demoralising when the teacher has nothing positive to say, particularly when they’re so very young.

I suspect that an entirely negative review says more about the teacher’s state of mind and lack of rapport with your DS than your DS’s progress and behaviour.

My DS is at secondary school now but the reports I got of him during primary school parents’ evenings did vary from one teacher to another. I don’t think he essentially changed from one year to the next. It was just that sometimes he bonded with the teacher and sometimes not.

We tend to think that teachers can compensate when they don’t gel with a particular pupil. Experience has shown me that this isn’t necessarily the case. In the workplace, people don’t always get on and sometimes can't hide it! I don’t think it’s magically different in the classroom, even if we are talking about the relationship between a child and adult.

All this is to say, please, don’t take it too seriously. It’s the judgement of one person on one day, and that person might not ‘get’ your DS.

[Lizzie48]

I really wouldn't take this to heart, your DS sounds lovely. And you're clearly on the ball where his writing and motor skills are concerned. The teacher doesn't seem to like him much, which is sad. But she's only teaching him this year.

I do understand what they mean about him making other friends though. My DD2 used to be glued to the hip with my friend's youngest DD, they've been together through nursery, but they have now both made lots of new friends through gentle encouragement, though, not making a big thing out of it.

[Technonan]

At 5, he is too young be 'behind' with skills like writing or holding a pencil. He's still developing and all they will do is put him off. As for writing a sentence by July - that's way off the mark. Most 5-year-olds can't, just a few can. Tell them to back off.

[DuckbilledSplatterPuff]

Sorry I misread that he was in Year 5 and not 5. Please don't worry too much about their comments. He will catch up with himself in his own time. He sounds like a lovely lad. Positive encouragement all the way. Teachers go on and on about PE changing for some reason. The only thing I can suggest is doing some fun practice runs at home, making it a game with rewards and get him into a 1,2,3 step routine with it because it will take the pressure off him at school.

[ittakes2]

I have twins and after their first parent meeting in reception (different teachers) I burst into tears as I felt my son's teacher was giving me a huge list of things he needed to work on and I assumed he wasn't doing very well in school. By contrast, my daughter's teacher was telling me she was great and there was nothing my daughter needed to work on. But then I compared my twins grades and they were exactly the same. I realised that some teachers at parent evenings are just trying to be helpful of things for that child to work on. And over the years, I have actually come to the conclusion the teachers who take the time to prepare for parents evening a list of examples the child needs to work on - are the teachers who know their individual children well and are very committed to them helping them progress. Telling me my child is doing well and is lovely is great - but telling me what they need to focus on to move forward is more valuable to me.

[lljkk]

I don't understand what exactly was said about OP's son. What are his issues while in the classroom.

[Pinkvoid]

My DD initially went to a different school at the start of reception and I recall the parents evening there being very similar. She is a summer baby so she had only just turned four when she started. The teacher was laying into how she couldn’t use scissors yet and was struggling to socialise beyond two of the girls she was close to. I was so confused afterwards thinking what is wrong with having two friends?? Are they expected to socialise with 30 people every day? It’s just ridiculous.

Now she’s at a different school and they’re totally different! All of the teachers focus on the positives. She isn’t the most academic out of my DC but her teacher just went through all the areas she had improved hugely on rather than ripping into her.

The teachers do have high targets to reach and it probably puts pressure on them but they have to learn a little perspective. I’d say your DS is absolutely normal. It’s not as if he’s seven and still entirely illiterate!